Author Topic: Just a joke  (Read 52572 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

LennG

  • Mod. Emeritus
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 16305
  • Liked: 626
  • My Man YA
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #15 on: January 23, 2008, 09:24:00 PM »

 Don't let Weeze see that one.

 Hey Weeze, you still hunger for those 'redneck' women??????
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

LennG

  • Mod. Emeritus
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 16305
  • Liked: 626
  • My Man YA
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2008, 09:26:39 PM »
    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
            I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
            know how to say one thing."

            "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

            "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
            fun?'"

            "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for
            a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
            problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught
            to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to
            my house, and we'll put them in the cage with my Francis and
            Jobe. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
            and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no
            time."

            "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
            solution.

            The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
            house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
            were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
            Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with
            them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
            unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

            There was stunned silence. Finally, one of the male parrots
            looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the
            xxxxing beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


                   
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8147
  • Liked: 140
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #17 on: February 07, 2008, 08:46:38 AM »


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

Yes,' I sighed. 'She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since.'   

'My God!' said my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
   
Now, my friends you can see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

MightyGiants

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 47319
  • Liked: 988
    • View Profile
    • Giants Fans
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #18 on: February 08, 2008, 01:36:44 PM »
The box under Bill and Hillary’s bed…


When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, ‘I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it’

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special Anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, ‘I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?’

Bill thought for a while and said, ‘I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.’

Hillary was shocked, but said, ‘Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.’

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, ‘So why do you have all that money in the box?’

Bill answered: ‘Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.’
"THE 2007 and 2011 GIANTS WERE NEVER PERFECT, NOR MEANT TO BE.  THEY WERE FIGHTERS, SCRAPPERS, NOW THEY CAN BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE....WORLD CHAMPIONS!"

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8147
  • Liked: 140
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #19 on: March 06, 2008, 09:48:35 AM »
Man's Best Friend
 
 
 
 
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
 
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. 

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
 
When you open the trunk,,,,, who is really happy to see you!
 
 
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

drakew

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4156
  • Liked: 82
  • ready to rock n roll...
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #20 on: March 09, 2008, 12:00:03 AM »
A doctor, a lawyer and a priest are on an ocean liner, which begins to sink.
"Quick" said the doctor "We must save the children"

"Screw the children" says the lawyer.
"Do you think we have time?" asks the priest...
"The future ain't what it used to be-" Yogi Berra

Sam56

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3352
  • Liked: 15
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #21 on: March 11, 2008, 10:50:16 AM »
Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp '?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

bamagiantfan

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 11890
  • Liked: 219
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #22 on: March 17, 2008, 04:24:11 PM »
(Answering Machine announcement message, spoken very fast)

Sorry I’m not here and you’re there which is why you are calling here to see if I’m here but I’m not, which is neither here nor there. Please leave a message here and I’ll call you there when I get back here, unless I’m on my way there and therfore not here.
(Beep)
Go Giants!

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8147
  • Liked: 140
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #23 on: March 18, 2008, 11:46:51 AM »
The whole world is backwards. I mean you've got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex,
and you've got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free
 
Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer.
It pays like $5,000 an hour
 
Apparently Gov. Spitzer was arranging his tryst with the escort service in a Washington, D. C., hotel room. I guess this is what he meant by getting crime out of New York
 
More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name's Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute. When Dupre asked why she slept with New York's ex-governor, she said, 'Because New Jersey's ex-governor is into guys.
 
when Sen. Larry Craig heard Spizter paid up to $5,000, he said 'I would've done the guy for free -- This is more government waste. We can take care of these problems internally.' Craig added 'Its just crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'
 
Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, 'Hillary does not go down without a fight.'
 
More on Eliot Spitzer, he was a Hillary Clinton superdelegate. Also, Spitzer was on Hillary Clinton's vice president list, as a possible running mate. Boy, she can pick 'em, can't she?
 
John McCain won the Republican nomination. He was awarded with a trip to the White House. Mike Huckabee dropped out of the race and was awarded a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
 
Vice President Dick Cheney is to visit the Middle East next week. Reportedly, he's invited Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to go goat
hunting. It's called 'Middle East Surge-2;
 
John Kerry complained Sunday that the Clintons say simultaneously Barack Obama isn't ready to be president and he should be a heartbeat away. Kerry has endorsed Obama. Kerry wants everybody to know he voted for the Clintons before he voted against them.
 
Speaking of Sen. Larry Craig, he has petitioned the Minnesota Court of Appeals to allow him to withdraw his plea of guilty to charges that he solicited an undercover police officer for gay sex in an airport men's room. He now claims he was tapping his feet while rehearsing for an upcoming appearance on 'Dancing With the Stars.'
 
Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian, said he's running for Congress. Congressmen in DC said that they didn't need him, because if they want to commit suicide they just need to be caught with a hooker.
 
Locally, Los Angeles drinking water was discovered to contain pharmaceutical drugs this week. There are female sex hormones in the tap water. Jack Nicholson became the last surviving leading man of his generation because for forty years he drank nothing but Scotch. Researchers also found antibiotics, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the tap water. At last Roger Clemens has a defense that can get him into the Hall of Fame.
 
Courtesy of an email I received this morning.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2008, 10:10:27 PM by babywhales »
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

Jim143

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2592
  • Liked: 58
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #24 on: March 19, 2008, 04:47:37 PM »
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he 

asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money

from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased  and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his

bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm

doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank

you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when

he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept

money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor

is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank

You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your  Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

 

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay

his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.I'm

doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and  leaves the shop.

 

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen

Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

 the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

"I'm just a nobody looking to stand in GOD's shadow" and try to live up to what is right and moral, I'm not Left or Right or any position, I believe in in the power of the holy spirit and prayer. I am not an angel, however I try to be as true to the rules of GOD and his son."

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8147
  • Liked: 140
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #25 on: July 18, 2008, 08:31:01 AM »
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. Shortly after take-off, the stranger turned to her and said ‘Let’s talk.  I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiled.
‘OK,’ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic.  But let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thought about it and said, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replied, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know xxxx?’
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

LennG

  • Mod. Emeritus
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 16305
  • Liked: 626
  • My Man YA
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #26 on: July 18, 2008, 04:09:43 PM »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8147
  • Liked: 140
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #27 on: August 04, 2008, 08:58:34 AM »
A helpless Democrat

 The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
 
 A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
 
 As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
 
 As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my owneyes that this is not true.'
 
 As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
 
 'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know xxxx about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

drakew

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4156
  • Liked: 82
  • ready to rock n roll...
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #28 on: August 04, 2008, 03:45:39 PM »
Wisconsin farmer is traveling through the north to Montana, and stops at a state fair. He watches a demonstration of dairy cows, who when hand milked fart with the manipulation of the udder! "That's fantastic, is that cow for sale?"" Why sure, speaks the other farmer, all my North Dakota cows are for sale" so he buys it and trailers it home, sure enough, one pull let's go a blast, two, then two blasts, a long pull a long blast.

So the farmer calls his neighbor, and invites him over to see his new cow. sure enough, the cow performed just right, pooting rythym like a jug band! The neighbor nods his head sagely, and says ," ayep, that's one good North Dakota cow" "How do you know, i didn't tell ya?" asked the farmer, "Well, my wife's from North Dakota"
"The future ain't what it used to be-" Yogi Berra

LennG

  • Mod. Emeritus
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 16305
  • Liked: 626
  • My Man YA
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #29 on: August 05, 2008, 04:36:27 PM »
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick."

"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big xxxxing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, go back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to £700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, voodoo dick my ass!"
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss