Author Topic: Just a joke  (Read 56247 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8202
  • Liked: 139
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #30 on: August 06, 2008, 09:03:28 AM »
 :what:

=)) :laugh:
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

Sam56

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3352
  • Liked: 15
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #31 on: August 06, 2008, 07:26:23 PM »
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an  athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
 
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
 
"Picabo, ICU."
 
(A good clean joke is hard to find these days)

dasher

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2832
  • Liked: 27
  • Ladies of my life
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #32 on: August 08, 2008, 12:53:54 PM »
Long ago, in the days of the Wild West, Weeze's great - grand daddywas a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.  He practiced every minute of his spare time but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.



Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.


'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.


The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.



The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.



'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'


'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.  That'll give you a smoother draw.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.



'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.



'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learning something here.  Got any more tips?'


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.. 'See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it.'


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'

 


LennG

  • Mod. Emeritus
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 16388
  • Liked: 493
  • My Man YA
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #33 on: August 08, 2008, 09:07:43 PM »
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred outof town and they were talking about trying to fill out thefoursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can Ijoin the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could comeonce to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting acourse record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts andeveryone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guyshappily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'llbe here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, sheplayed left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of theprevious week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and theyasked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer aftertheir round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decideif you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, Ipull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If hismember is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it'spointed to the left, golf left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

dasher

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2832
  • Liked: 27
  • Ladies of my life
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #34 on: August 12, 2008, 04:13:01 PM »
A wealthy retired BBH'er from Florida decides to go on a photo safari
> >>
> >>  in Africa, taking his  faithful aged poodle named Cuddles,
> >>
> >>  along for the company.
> >>
> >>
> >>  One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before
> >>
> >>  long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about,
> >>
> >>  he notices a leopard heading
> >>  Rapidly in his direction with the intention of having
> >>
> >>  lunch.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>  Th! e old p oodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep
> >>
> >>  doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close
> >>
> >>  by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with
> >>
> >>  his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
> >>
> >>  about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that
> >>
> >>  was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
> >>
> >>  around here?'
> >>
> >>
> >>  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
> >>
> >>  mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
> >>
> >>  away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard,
> >>
> >>  'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
> >>
> >>
> >>  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
> >>
> >>  from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
> >>
> >>  good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So
> >>
> >>  off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the
> >>
> >>  leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be
> >>
> >>  up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
> >>
> >>  beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
> >>
> >>
> >>  The young leopard i! s furio us at being made a fool of and
> >>
> >>  says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's
> >>
> >>  going to happen to that conniving canine!
> >>
> >>
> >>  Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
> >>
> >>  on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do
> >>
> >>  now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with
> >>
> >>  his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> >>
> >>  them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
> >>
> >>  old poodle says.
> >>
> >>
> >>  'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour
> >>
> >>  ago to bring me another leopard!
> >>
> >>
> >>  Moral of this story....
> >>
> >>
> >>  Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will
> >>
> >>  always overcome youth and skill! xxxxxxxx and brilliance
> >>
> >>  only come with age and experience.
> >>
>

LennG

  • Mod. Emeritus
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 16388
  • Liked: 493
  • My Man YA
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #35 on: August 12, 2008, 09:57:41 PM »
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been
> decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly
> drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
>
> They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they
> do their business behind a headstone or something.
>
> One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take
> off her panties and use them, then throw them away.
>
> Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear
> set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to
> salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the
> graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.
>
> They then made off for home.
>
> The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and
> said, 'These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife
> came home last night without her panties.'
>
> 'That's nothing,' said the other, 'Mine came back with a card
> stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of
> us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.'
>
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8202
  • Liked: 139
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #36 on: August 12, 2008, 10:03:10 PM »
Your on a roll, Lenn!!

LOL, dasher

“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

Sam56

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3352
  • Liked: 15
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #37 on: August 13, 2008, 01:08:53 PM »
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up
a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8202
  • Liked: 139
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #38 on: August 14, 2008, 09:02:37 AM »
Hears a good one..................

[attachment deleted by admin]
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

Sam56

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3352
  • Liked: 15
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #39 on: August 17, 2008, 02:55:52 PM »
babywhales - that was funny!   =))


Choosing a wife:
 
A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.    He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
 
The first does a total make over.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
 
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.
 
The third invests the money in the stock market.  She earns several times the $5,000.
 
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.  She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed .
 
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
 
thought.....

thought.....

thought....
.
thought.....

thought.....

thought.....
 
thought.....
 
thought.....
 
thought.....
 
thought.....
 
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
 
 
 
Men are like that, you know.

dasher

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2832
  • Liked: 27
  • Ladies of my life
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #40 on: August 20, 2008, 11:53:09 AM »
A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
 
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, 'So,
Ole, how was your day?'
 
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
 
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
 
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
 
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks
the doctor.
 
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including
her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, 'HELP
ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!''
 
'Tunderin' Lord Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
 
'I put drops in her eyes.'

 

Sam56

  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3352
  • Liked: 15
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #41 on: August 26, 2008, 12:23:40 PM »
This has been verified as real :

If  you receive an e-mail entitled 'Bedtimes,' delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it.  Apparently this one is pretty nasty.  It will not only erase everything

on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your

computer.  It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.  It reprograms

your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field

harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.  It will program your phone auto

dial to call only 0898 numbers.  This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU

ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine If the 'Bedtimes'

message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and

leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub of water.  It will

not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill

your skim milk with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your

right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will

ignite the furniture nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!! 

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!  Right now, as you read this,

 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you -- you're on the computer!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8202
  • Liked: 139
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #42 on: August 27, 2008, 08:16:18 AM »
What is the definition of a Dick Head?

































[attachment deleted by admin]
« Last Edit: August 27, 2008, 08:38:24 AM by babywhales »
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8202
  • Liked: 139
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #43 on: August 27, 2008, 10:22:34 AM »
A somewhat local church

[attachment deleted by admin]
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S

babywhales

  • Administrator
  • Hall of Fame
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8202
  • Liked: 139
    • View Profile
Re: Just a joke
« Reply #44 on: August 27, 2008, 10:31:14 AM »
Another one sent to me from a die hard Packer fan

[attachment deleted by admin]
« Last Edit: August 27, 2008, 11:12:18 PM by babywhales »
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”– G.B.S