Author Topic: Just a joke  (Read 52415 times)

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Vette

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #570 on: February 03, 2016, 08:12:45 AM »
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
"There is a greater purpose...that purpose is team. Winning, losing, playing hard, playing well, doing it for each other, winning the right way, winning the right way is a very important thing to me... Championships are won by teams who love one another, who respect one another, and play for and support one another."
~ Coach Tom Coughlin

drakew

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #571 on: February 10, 2016, 11:04:23 PM »
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
"The future ain't what it used to be-" Yogi Berra

Sem

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #572 on: March 26, 2016, 05:02:27 PM »
An older lady went to visit her son and daughter in law. No one answered the bell, but finding the door unlocked she entered to see the daughter in law lying on the couch completely naked. She was surrounded by candles and soft music was playing.

The older lady inquired, "What on earth are you doing?"

Her daughter in law replied, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home. This is my love suit, when ever I wear it, as soon as he sees me he ravages me and we make mad passionate love."

The older lady left and hurried home. She filled the living room with lit candles and put on soft music, she took off all her clothes and laid on the couch to wait for her husband.

The old man came in to find her laying there in the nude. He asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

She replied in a soft sexy voice, "This is my love suit."

He responded, "Well it needs ironing. What's for dinner?"

The Chief

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Jokes
« Reply #573 on: May 06, 2016, 11:42:29 AM »
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~

 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public
office.

~Aesop~
 

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to
heaven.

~Will Rogers~

 

Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~ 

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~ 

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~   

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~

 

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.

~Tex Guinan~

 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 

Jolly Blue Giant

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #574 on: May 06, 2016, 09:03:12 PM »
I'm a newbie and I've read several pages of jokes, but I haven't read all 39 pages, so maybe this one has already been told. The joke of Paddy McCoy reminded me of one. So here goes:


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, "You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off and falls flat on his face.

"Damn," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn, damn, I can't believe I drank so much!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he’ll be fine. So he belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and says, "Ahh, much better". So he takes a step out onto the sidewalk and again falls flat on his face.

"By Jeebers… I guess I am a little more crocked than I thought," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls down the sidewalk on his belly to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No damn way". But he forces himself to crawl up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can walk to the bed!" So he stands up and takes a step into the room, but again falls flat on his face.

He says "Damn it!" and belly crawls to his bed and pulls himself up enough to get on the mattress and falls fast asleep.

The next morning, his wife Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. I guess you had a bit too much to drink last night, huh?"

Paddy says, "yeah, I guess I did, what makes you say that?"

"Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub".

bamagiantfan

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #575 on: July 13, 2016, 10:27:07 AM »
Some new answers to the old question; Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Who knows? Why do chickens do anything they do!?

To prove to the possum that it can be done.

Because sitting in the middle of it seemed like a bad idea.
 
Crack.

I don’t know, but if the chicken crosses the road and no one sees it, does it give a cluck?

To prove it wasn’t chicken.

Have you smelled the chicken poop coop on this side of the road?

Because he couldn’t hitchhike to migrate south from this side.
Go Giants!

LennG

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #576 on: February 01, 2017, 04:35:51 PM »
Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do You stay in such great physical condition?'
 
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
 
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
 
"Who said he was dead?"
 
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
 
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
 
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
 
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
 
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
 
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
 
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
 
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
 
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
 
 
'Who said he wanted to?'
 
 
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

LennG

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #577 on: March 21, 2017, 10:05:50 AM »
 Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby. 
  
The doctor replied, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.'
  
The woman thought to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...'   Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'
  
  'Denise,' said the doctor. The new mother was somewhat relieved.  'Wow, that's a beautiful name, Perhaps I was wrong about my brother,' she thought....'I really like Denise.'
  
  Then she asked, 'What's the boy's name?'
  
  The doctor replied,  'Denephew.'

I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss