Big Blue Huddle

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR  EVERYONE

One day, while going to the  store, I passed by a nursing home.  On the front lawn were six old ladies  lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit  unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed  the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the  lawn.

This time my curiosity got the  best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.   "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front  lawn?"

"Yes," she said.  "They're  retired prostitutes--they're having a yard sale."

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR  EVERYONE.

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot to numb him.

'No way. No needles. I hate needles.' says the patient.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
again objects.'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking
a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't,' says the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth.'

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says.

Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

Just can't get enough of these two

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy.
'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts
'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

Glad to have another member of the 'senior' division here. There are several of us who go back to the 'old' stadium. I never saw a Giants game in Yankee Stadium LIVE, but my memories of those days are as clear now, as they were back then. (or, at least I think they are  )

The 'Perfect Password'

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would
now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
(keep scrolling down)



**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

A woman sufferjet trying to convert a tribe of indians to catholocism was staying in the encampment to have a greater impact. She happens to notice an indian with a feather and inquires as to where it was from. The indian says , "Aw it because me only fuckum one squaw" A short while later she sees an indian with two and gets a similar story. So as she approaqches the chief she notices a long flowing headpiece with hundreds of feathers in it. She stops the chief and says, "Chief, where on earth did you get all those feathers?"
"Well" says the chief. "Me fuckum every squaw in the valley!"
The woman gasps and says, "How hostile"
The chief says, "Hostile,freestyle,Backstyle. Me no care." The woman says "Oh dear".
The chief quickly adds, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast!"

Some I've heard before, but others are very cute. 

HE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to '10'.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5...'

...at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky , Arkansas , Texas , Louisiana , Georgia , Mississippi, Missouri , Florida ,Tennessee, West Virginia and Washington DC.

MATRIMONY?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________



                     At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
           'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
                  'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.   
__________   


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'



_________
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE!!!




Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.

African tribe

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turned black.'

Thanks to Jay Leno:


Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to
> grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going
> to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women
> grow another breast, men will want another hand.'

Some great stuff there bama.

I'll drink to that. 

Bob works hard at the plant?
and spends two nights each week bowling and  plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she  know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday