Just a joke

[dasher]

                                      RETARDED              GRANDPARENTS                                       
                                          (this  was actually reported by a              teacher)                             
                                                                                                     
              After  Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they              spent their  holiday away from              school.                               
                                                                                                     
                                                Len's grandchild wrote the  following:                                   
                                                                                                     
                   We  always used to spend the              holidays with Grandma and               Grandpa.     
                                                                                                     
              They  used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got              retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay               where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't              have to  mow the grass              anymore!                             
                                                                                                     
              They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name              tags because they don't know who they are              anymore.                             
                                                                                                     
              They  go to a building called a wreck center, but they must              have got  it  fixed because it is all okay now. They do              exercises there, but they don't do them very              well.                                         
                                                                                                     
              There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it              with hats on.                                              
              At  their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man              sitting in  it. He watches              all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes  they sneak out, and              go cruising in their golf              carts!                                 
                                            Nobody               there cooks, they just eat out. And,  they eat the same              thing every night --- early              birds.       
                                                                                                     
              Some  of the people can't get out past the man in the              doll  house.   
              The  ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked              center for pot              luck.                                                 
                                                                                                     
              My  Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn              his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded              someday  too.     
                                                                                                      When               I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll               house. Then  I will let people out, so they can visit              their  grandchildren.   
                                                                                                     
                                                     

[LennG]

she is so-o-o-o-o talented that she can write so-o-o-o-o small, no one can read it. At least I can't. even at 7 months

[bamagiantfan]

Sheesh.....was that an eye test? Because if so, I have an appointment to make.

[Jim143]

Helping a brother out. . .Since I used to write so damn small  , I was able to read what Dasher posted.  If you dont mind, I will translate to bigger text for all of you. 






We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.

They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse.  Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

[LennG]

 good job Jim.

Dale put down that magnifying glass and get a good printer.

[dasher]

Now I am worried. I can cut and paste the emails just fine and they look just fine after I post them. What the hell happens? Must be that  Weeze screwing with me.

[NYSPORTS]

hilarious

http://www.nypost.com/p/sports/giants/former_giants_star_barber_devastated_zQHtZTlKmRXt4RiOtkqTJK

[LennG]

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 19th
century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the
founder of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the
Mormon church?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to
Utah?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian
religions as false except Mormonism?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"
Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously in anger, she says.......

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"
Brigham Young: "I am!"

[Derach]

Annual English Teachers' awards for best student metaphors/analogies
found in actual student papers:


His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

[Sem]

I've heard most of these before. Just as funny the second time around.   

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

Must have been a Douglas Adams fan.

[Jim143]

 I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, not by the beauty of it all, nor the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Bob, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake 'And why is everyone so quiet, So somber - give me a clue.' 'Hush, child,' He said, 'They

[drakew]

Awesome, Jimbo!

[Jim143]

Thanks Drake

I realize it wasn't a "joke" per se, but those that know me should and will understand.

[Sem]

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

[LennG]

What A  Coincidence   A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'  'I used a different xxxx,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'