Big Blue Huddle

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He
replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points
toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any
way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both
my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got
enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours
are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00
am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00
am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."

    Father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.  He decides to test it out on his son at supper.   Father asks his son; "where were you last night?"

     

    ... Son replies; "I was at the library" *robot slaps son*    "Ok I was at a friends ...house."

    "Doing what?" asked the father
    .
    "Watching a movie." says son.

    "What movie?" asks father?

   

The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.  No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:  "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.  And you're single.  Just let it go."

But, then another voice in his head would whisper:  "You

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitche n and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing 
to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother !'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

I've heard most of these before. Just as funny the second time around.   

Quote from: Derach on September 16, 2011, 07:34:09 PM
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

Must have been a Douglas Adams fan.

Quote from: retrojint on August 31, 2011, 05:51:07 PM
Conjecture. Somebody got seriously injured or killed by the donut flying off. That's usually what happens. Insurance considerations. For example, the on-deck area for the next hitter has been banned. The kid has to stay in the fenced-off, bench area. Little League affiliates fenced off an on-deck enclosure so a kid could get his swings in there. Not too worry. Also banned. As I recall, the on-deck deal was a result of another player walking up to the side of the kid on-deck who inadvertantly hit the kid in the head with one of his practice swings. I don't see how Ellie's could have flown off the top part of the bat. As you know, those fit pretty snuggly once you worked it up from the handle.

Story time - In his last year of playing little league my son, Jeff, made the all-star team.  He played SS during the regular season, but because so many of the SS's made the all-star team he ended up playing CF.  He was a so-so hitter, but was a good athlete and that translated to a better fielder than hitter in his case.  During his final all-star game against a team from another city he was on deck waiting to face a pitcher with a pretty good fastball.  He was lazily swinging the bat, with no real purpose.  So I stepped down off the bleachers and called him over and told him he should stick a doughnut on and try to time the pitcher while waiting his turn, so he did.  Wouldn't you know it his first two ABs were with the bases loaded.  He hit two triples, both high off the wall in LF. I guess I should have given him that tip earlier in the season. 

Side note - Jeff played in the same Little League as the Baltimore Orioles' reliever Jim Johnson, back then he was known as Jimmy Johnson. Jeff still reminds of the game when Johnson no-hit my son's team, all outs except one via the strike out.  In one AB my son grounded out weakly to 1B - a moral victory. 

College in the mid 70's Retro, yes.   

Really, the only Chisox pitchers from back then that I can remember are Wilber Wood, a lefty, so he's out, and Goose Gossage, who I think pitched for Chicago around that time.  But he never gave me the impression he was over the rainbow. I'm drawing a blank.

Doc Ellis
Doc Medich

And wasn't Willie Randolph part of that trade?  That's going back to a section of my memory that's forever fuzzy.   

A man joins a monastery. He takes a vow of silence, but is allowed to speak two words every ten years. The years go by, and the monk is granted his brief utterance: "Bed hard."
Ten more years of tending the garden, vespers and deprivation, the monk is ready to speak his mind: "Food cold."
By this time, the spartan living, the long hours and boring work have taken their toll. When the next ten years have finally passed, the monk appears again before the abbot to say his piece: "I quit."
"I'm not surprised, replied the abbot, "you've been complaining ever since you got here."




A man orders 3 beers at the bar and takes a sip from each one, in turn, until he's finished them. A week later, he's back to repeat this ritual. The bartender, dying to know what the deal is, asks the man why he drinks his beers in such a way. The man explains that he and his 2 brothers were very close growing up, but now the brothers were separated by great distances and couldn't be with each other often. They decided that whenever one of them had a drink, he would order two more for his missing brothers; it would be like they were all together again.
Week after week, the man came in and had his three beers. Then, one day, he came to the bar and ordered only 2 beers. He sat and drank them as usual. The crowd in the bar could be heard sighing, thinking that something unfortunate must have occurred. The bartender finally came over and asked him if something had happened to his brother.
The man looked up. "Oh no, nothing like that, everyone's just fine. I just quit drinking, that's all."

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'



As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'



The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN....




Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'




and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'




'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes,

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.


Both result in death.

When their numbers dwindled from 50 down to 8 the Dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

Where to Eat:


A group of 40-year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea as they have never been there before.

One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

           The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.

           When she asked  me why, I replied,

           "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

           And that's how the fight started.....
           ________________________________

           My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

           I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'

           'No,' she answered. I then said,

           'Is that your final answer?'

           She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

           So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

           And that's when the fight started...
           ________________________________

           I took my wife to a restaurant.

           The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

           "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."

           He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

           "Nah, she can order for herself."

           And that's when the fight  started.....
           _______________________________

           My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

           I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

           "Yes", she sighed,

           "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

           "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

           And then the fight  started...
           _______________________________

           When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of  a clever way to make her point.

           When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

           The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.
           ______________________________

           My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

           She asked, "What's on TV?"

           I said, "Dust."

           And then the fight started...
           _______________________________

           Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would  be bad all day.

           I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is
terrible."

           My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

           And that's how the fight started...
           _______________________________

           My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

           She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

           I bought her a bathroom scale.

           And then the fight started......
           ______________________________

           After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply
for Social Security.

           The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

           I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

           The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

           So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

           She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

           When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

           And then the fight started...
           _____________________________

           My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

           She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

           "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

           I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

           And then the fight started........
           ________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.