Big Blue Huddle

I returned home from work to find my wife gone and a notenailed o the door.
We have taken your wife.   
We want

My girlfriend was ticked off about something, so I decided to get her something silky.   Unfortunately, she didn't like the colour of the emulsion.

I feel like a chilled botle of Grolsch is required having just looked at that photo.

I phoned up Babestation.

"And what an I do for you tonight, honey"
"Hide!!!", I replied. 
"I can hear my wife opening the front door and I've lost the Remote!!!!"

The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher asked wee Jimmy, "Jimmy, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes Miss. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy.   When she was a pilot in the first Gulf War her plane got hi and she had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of the finest single malt Scotch, her pistol and a survival knife.   Daddy said she drank the whisky on the way down, and just before her parachute landed her right in the middle of 11 Iraqi troops.

Well, she slashed the throat of 1 with the bottle, shot 6 of them with the pistol, killed 3 more with the knife until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mummy when she's been drinking."

That's a lot of work there, thanks.   For some odd reason, in my head it read like the narrative from an episode of Seconds From Disaster.

Nice "experiment", properly received on the whole, IMHuO.   My input, a perspective from the other side of the Atlantic.   Based purely on what they have done for the world.

Clinton, Reagan, Roosevelt - Northern Ireland and the Balkans, the collapse of the Soviet Union and Communism and isolationist America enters WWII to save the world from Fascism.

For me, memory fades as my mind remembers the more recent guys.  Great players, all.  But for me there was few things sweeter than seeing Barber in 2005 and 2006 evade a tackle and hit the open field.  Complete sh1t off the park, a dream on it.  When I think of Little Joe I remember the 49ers Play Off game in '85 and him streaking upfield and me putting on the strobe effect on our new TV.  Memories.

My wife complained that I was prone to exaggeration.   "I've told you a million times, honey, that's not true", I said.   

Looking to cool down, I left the room.  And that's when I nearly tripped over my penis.

Always sad to read about the old guard passing on.  R.I.P.

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died, so the director started looking for a new one to hire.   A old drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

This wasn't the kind of person we want to hire, thought the director.   But he felt sorry for the old man, so he thought he would give him a glass to drink before sending him on his way.

"It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".   Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss, clearly impressed.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''Pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.   He winked at his secretary to suggest something.   She left the room only to appear moments later with a glass of urine in her hand.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant.   If you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't be enough to ruin our sex life. 
That may well be the case, but I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.

Keep as is would get my vote.   Stuck away somewhere else is definitely out of sight, out of mind,.

I though this was locked.   Anyways, The Twitteristas need to get a grip.