Big Blue Huddle

Dear Penis, I Don't Think I like you Anymore

http://www.igc.be/igc/dearpenis.htm

>                                                Better than a Flu Shot!
>
>
>
>                          Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
>  eighties and had never been married.
>
>                          She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to
>  all.
>
>                          One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and
>  she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
>
>                          She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
>  tea.
>
>                          As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
>  minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
>
>                          The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
>  floated, of all things, a condom!
>
>                          When she returned with tea and scones, they began
>  to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
>                          about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
>  but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
>
>                          'Miss Beatrice,' he said as he pointed to the
>  bowl, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
>
>                          'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was
>  walking through the park a few months ago
>                          and I found this little package on the ground. The
>  directions said to place it on the organ,
>                          keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
>  of disease.  Do you know, I haven't had the flu
>                          all winter?!!'
>
>

Famous sayings to ponder:

Virginity like
Bubble, one XXXXX, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
Pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
Wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
Organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
Toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
Church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
>  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won 't stop staring at her.
>
>  She asks him why he is staring.
>
>  He replies:  'I have a question to ask you but I don ' t want to offend
>  you.'
>
>  She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you ' re as old as I am
>  and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
>  just about everything. I 'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
>  ask that I would find offensive.'
>
>  'Well, I 've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
>
>  She responds, 'Well, let 's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
>  to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
>
>  The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I ' m single and Catholic!'
>
>
>  'OK,'  the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
>
>  The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
>  make a hooker blush.  But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
>  starts crying.
>
>  'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
>
>  'Forgive me but I 've sinned.  I lied and I must confess,
>  I 'm married and I 'm Jewish.'
>
>  The nun says, 'That ' s OK.  My name is Kevin and I ' m going to a
>  Halloween party.'
>
>  HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!
>
>
>
>

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo in that location.

She responds, 'It's really cool, 
if you put your ear up against it you can smell the ocean.'

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
---------------------------------

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to
the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A little humor which we could all use these days....

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
$33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have
received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

A Florida senior citizen named Weeze drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road,  he pushed it to  80 mph, enjoying
the  wind blowing through  what little hair he had left.  "Amazing," he
thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the  pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the  state trooper behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.  He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then
120.  Suddenly he  thought, "What am I doing?  I'm too old for this," and
pulled  over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Porsche,  looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that  I've never heard before, I'll let
you go."

  Weeze paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my girlfriend ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were  bringing her back." 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper. 

INTERNATIONAL PUN CONTEST
>
> It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level
> of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International
> Pun Contest.
>
>
> 1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess
> looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
> passenger.
>
>
> 2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and
> says, 'Dam!'
>
>
> 3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
> craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it, too.
>
>
> 4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.'  The other
> says, 'Are you sure?'  The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
>
>
> 5.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
> canal?  His goal:  transcend dental medication.
>
>
> 6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
> the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
> the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why,"
> they asked, as they moved off.   'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand
> chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
>
>
> 7.  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a
> family in Egypt and is named Ahmal.  The other goes to a family in Spain ;
> they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
> birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
> wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, 'They're
> twins!  If you've seen Juan, you' ve seen Ahmal.'
>
>
> 8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a
> small florist shop to raise funds  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
> the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
> unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He
> went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival
> florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
> 'persuade' them to  close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
> saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so,
> thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
>
>
> 9  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
> produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very
> little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
> bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good...) a super
> calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
>
> 10.  And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
> friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
> No pun in ten did.
>
>

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'




(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, 'So,
Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks
the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including
her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, 'HELP
ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!''

'Tunderin' Lord Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

A wealthy retired BBH'er from Florida decides to go on a photo safari
> >>
> >>  in Africa, taking his  faithful aged poodle named Cuddles,
> >>
> >>  along for the company.
> >>
> >>
> >>  One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before
> >>
> >>  long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about,
> >>
> >>  he notices a leopard heading
> >>  Rapidly in his direction with the intention of having
> >>
> >>  lunch.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>  Th! e old p oodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep
> >>
> >>  doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close
> >>
> >>  by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with
> >>
> >>  his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
> >>
> >>  about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that
> >>
> >>  was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
> >>
> >>  around here?'
> >>
> >>
> >>  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
> >>
> >>  mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
> >>
> >>  away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard,
> >>
> >>  'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
> >>
> >>
> >>  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
> >>
> >>  from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
> >>
> >>  good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So
> >>
> >>  off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the
> >>
> >>  leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be
> >>
> >>  up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
> >>
> >>  beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
> >>
> >>
> >>  The young leopard i! s furio us at being made a fool of and
> >>
> >>  says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's
> >>
> >>  going to happen to that conniving canine!
> >>
> >>
> >>  Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
> >>
> >>  on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do
> >>
> >>  now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with
> >>
> >>  his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> >>
> >>  them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
> >>
> >>  old poodle says.
> >>
> >>
> >>  'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour
> >>
> >>  ago to bring me another leopard!
> >>
> >>
> >>  Moral of this story....
> >>
> >>
> >>  Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will
> >>
> >>  always overcome youth and skill! xxxxxxxx and brilliance
> >>
> >>  only come with age and experience.
> >>
>

Long ago, in the days of the Wild West, Weeze's great - grand daddywas a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.  He practiced every minute of his spare time but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.



Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.


'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.


The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.



The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.



'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'


'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.  That'll give you a smoother draw.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.



'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.



'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learning something here.  Got any more tips?'


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.. 'See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it.'


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'