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Messages - dasher

#61
The Front Porch / Re: Just a joke
September 03, 2011, 04:51:11 PM
                                      RETARDED              GRANDPARENTS                                       
                                          (this  was actually reported by a              teacher)                             
                                                                                                     
              After  Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they              spent their  holiday away from              school.                               
                                                                                                     
                                                Len's grandchild wrote the  following:
                                   
                                                                                                     
                   We  always used to spend the              holidays with Grandma and               Grandpa.     
                                                                                                     
              They  used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got              retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay               where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't              have to  mow the grass              anymore!                             
                                                                                                     
              They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name              tags because they don't know who they are              anymore.                             
                                                                                                     
              They  go to a building called a wreck center, but they must              have got  it  fixed because it is all okay now. They do              exercises there, but they don't do them very              well.                                         
                                                                                                     
              There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it              with hats on.
                                             
              At  their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man              sitting in  it.
He watches              all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes  they sneak out, and              go cruising in their golf              carts!                                 
                                           
Nobody               there cooks, they just eat out. And,  they eat the same              thing every night --- early              birds.       
                                                                                                     
              Some  of the people can't get out past the man in the              doll  house.   
              The  ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked              center for pot              luck.                                                 
                                                                                                     
              My  Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn              his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded              someday  too.     
                                                                                                     
When               I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll               house. Then  I will let people out, so they can visit              their  grandchildren.   
                                                                                                     
                                                     
#62
Andre Ethier to take J. D. Drew slot in 2012.
Still no idea on your question..
#63
OK I missed this one - first guess was Bob Hoerner. Incorrect although he did go to ASU.
As a sidebar ASU question- who was Dustin Pedroia's roomie at ASU and a mortal lock to end up with the Bosox next year because of this friendship and his pending free agency?
#64
Another Yankster named Joe, not Rip.
#65
Earle Combs
#66
Tony Lazzeri.
#67
They are all Angels.
#68
That's the player - Gene Conley.
Thanks Big Red for the answer.
#69
Brian,
Nope to both.
The real deal I am thinking of also was the winning pitcher in a midsummer classic Allstar game.
#70
Brian,
I was not thinking dave debusschere, but I've been proven wrong by you in the past!
Assuming Dave may be correct, who is the one I'm thinking of.
Dale
#71
Hearing Bart Johnson's name , I would like to ask an addendum question. To the best of my knowledge this player of the 50's and early 60's (depending on  the sport) is the only player to have won national championships in two of the four major professional sports. This player was baseball and basketball. Who is he and what teams did we win the champioships with?
#72
Referencing the Yankee - Pirate trade, the Yankees acquired a third player as part of that trade,
Who knows, he may even be the long haired Chisox pitcher of the 70's. -  pretty good hitter for a pitcher also. Part of the family genes I guess.
#73
The Front Porch / Re: Just a joke
August 07, 2011, 04:12:07 PM
Hold My Manhood!
[/size]Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. [/size]One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"[/size]She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"[/size][/font][/size]Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" [/t][/t][/t]
[/size]"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while". [/size]"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. [/size]Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. [/size]Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. [/size]Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. [/size]She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood! [/size]Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?"[/size]Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's[/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]
#74
The Front Porch / Re: Just a joke
August 06, 2011, 02:30:50 PM
You Have to Love The Irish     
   
     Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
[/t]
ababab 
   
     Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father...'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
[/t]
ababab 
   
     Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
[/t]
ababab
   
     Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
[/t]
ababab
   
     An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
[/t]
ababab
        Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
ababab
   
     David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
[/t]
   
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#75
The Front Porch / Re: Just a joke
July 22, 2011, 03:03:49 PM
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"Donald frowned and said, "No."[font=comic               sans ms]

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.[/font]
   So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms."Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?""Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll[font=comic               sans ms]thuffocate!"[/font]