Maybe It will make you smile or even better laugh.
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
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You got Male!
I am stunned, STUNNED I say!
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.
That ones been around for a while under several different sports and themes, but it's always good to rehash it. thanks BW.
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 19th
century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the
founder of the Mormon church.
Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the
Mormon church?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to
Utah?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian
religions as false except Mormonism?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Now she's really getting mad.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Then furiously in anger, she says.......
Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"
Brigham Young: "I am!"
Subject: Vets School
First-year students at Auburn University 's Vet School were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
you
not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the
butt of the dead cow, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked
out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a
finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on
it."
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
-- "Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid." - John Wayne
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Subject:Depressed
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them: "I am suicidal".
They got all excited and asked: "can you drive a truck?"
I still like that one Tom. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Traffic Question
Most men will get this right!
Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted,
and come upon a bicycle rider.
Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles,
or do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
Scroll down...
A: Why take unnecessary risks...
[attachment deleted by admin]
Very true - in this case, why take unnessary risks . . . but what if the one partially obstructed by the pole (right side of photo) was on the bike in front of you?
one partially obstructed ....?
What?????
pole.....?
What??????
I am confused by your comments
I can only see one thing. I must stay focused.........safety first.
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that! Found by who?
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Must not of wiped!!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works!!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Brilliant Deduction!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
Only after his peers referenced the precednet setting case of "who ever smelt it delt it"
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
One way for the Administration to cut those negitive educational numbers by 50%
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
/???
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.
The Art of Cropping
[attachment deleted by admin]
Don't let Weeze see that one.
Hey Weeze, you still hunger for those 'redneck' women??????
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for
a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to
my house, and we'll put them in the cage with my Francis and
Jobe. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no
time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution.
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with
them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one of the male parrots
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the
fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed. 'She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
Now, my friends you can see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
The box under Bill and Hillary
Man's Best Friend
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk,,,,, who is really happy to see you!
A doctor, a lawyer and a priest are on an ocean liner, which begins to sink.
"Quick" said the doctor "We must save the children"
"Screw the children" says the lawyer.
"Do you think we have time?" asks the priest...
Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp '?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
(Answering Machine announcement message, spoken very fast)
Sorry I
The whole world is backwards. I mean you've got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex,
and you've got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free
Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer.
It pays like $5,000 an hour
Apparently Gov. Spitzer was arranging his tryst with the escort service in a Washington, D. C., hotel room. I guess this is what he meant by getting crime out of New York
More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name's Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute. When Dupre asked why she slept with New York's ex-governor, she said, 'Because New Jersey's ex-governor is into guys.
when Sen. Larry Craig heard Spizter paid up to $5,000, he said 'I would've done the guy for free -- This is more government waste. We can take care of these problems internally.' Craig added 'Its just crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'
Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, 'Hillary does not go down without a fight.'
More on Eliot Spitzer, he was a Hillary Clinton superdelegate. Also, Spitzer was on Hillary Clinton's vice president list, as a possible running mate. Boy, she can pick 'em, can't she?
John McCain won the Republican nomination. He was awarded with a trip to the White House. Mike Huckabee dropped out of the race and was awarded a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
Vice President Dick Cheney is to visit the Middle East next week. Reportedly, he's invited Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to go goat
hunting. It's called 'Middle East Surge-2;
John Kerry complained Sunday that the Clintons say simultaneously Barack Obama isn't ready to be president and he should be a heartbeat away. Kerry has endorsed Obama. Kerry wants everybody to know he voted for the Clintons before he voted against them.
Speaking of Sen. Larry Craig, he has petitioned the Minnesota Court of Appeals to allow him to withdraw his plea of guilty to charges that he solicited an undercover police officer for gay sex in an airport men's room. He now claims he was tapping his feet while rehearsing for an upcoming appearance on 'Dancing With the Stars.'
Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian, said he's running for Congress. Congressmen in DC said that they didn't need him, because if they want to commit suicide they just need to be caught with a hooker.
Locally, Los Angeles drinking water was discovered to contain pharmaceutical drugs this week. There are female sex hormones in the tap water. Jack Nicholson became the last surviving leading man of his generation because for forty years he drank nothing but Scotch. Researchers also found antibiotics, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the tap water. At last Roger Clemens has a defense that can get him into the Hall of Fame.
Courtesy of an email I received this morning.
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor
is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. Shortly after take-off, the stranger turned to her and said
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
A helpless Democrat
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my owneyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know xxxx about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?
Wisconsin farmer is traveling through the north to Montana, and stops at a state fair. He watches a demonstration of dairy cows, who when hand milked fart with the manipulation of the udder! "That's fantastic, is that cow for sale?"" Why sure, speaks the other farmer, all my North Dakota cows are for sale" so he buys it and trailers it home, sure enough, one pull let's go a blast, two, then two blasts, a long pull a long blast.
So the farmer calls his neighbor, and invites him over to see his new cow. sure enough, the cow performed just right, pooting rythym like a jug band! The neighbor nods his head sagely, and says ," ayep, that's one good North Dakota cow" "How do you know, i didn't tell ya?" asked the farmer, "Well, my wife's from North Dakota"
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick."
"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, go back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there quietly once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to
:what:
=)) :laugh:
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
"Picabo, ICU."
(A good clean joke is hard to find these days)
Long ago, in the days of the Wild West, Weeze's great - grand daddywas a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learning something here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred outof town and they were talking about trying to fill out thefoursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can Ijoin the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could comeonce to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting acourse record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts andeveryone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guyshappily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'llbe here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, sheplayed left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of theprevious week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and theyasked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer aftertheir round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decideif you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, Ipull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If hismember is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it'spointed to the left, golf left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
A wealthy retired BBH'er from Florida decides to go on a photo safari
> >>
> >> in Africa, taking his faithful aged poodle named Cuddles,
> >>
> >> along for the company.
> >>
> >>
> >> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before
> >>
> >> long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about,
> >>
> >> he notices a leopard heading
> >> Rapidly in his direction with the intention of having
> >>
> >> lunch.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Th! e old p oodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep
> >>
> >> doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close
> >>
> >> by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with
> >>
> >> his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
> >>
> >> about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that
> >>
> >> was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
> >>
> >> around here?'
> >>
> >>
> >> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
> >>
> >> mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
> >>
> >> away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard,
> >>
> >> 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
> >>
> >>
> >> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
> >>
> >> from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
> >>
> >> good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So
> >>
> >> off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the
> >>
> >> leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be
> >>
> >> up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
> >>
> >> beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
> >>
> >>
> >> The young leopard i! s furio us at being made a fool of and
> >>
> >> says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's
> >>
> >> going to happen to that conniving canine!
> >>
> >>
> >> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
> >>
> >> on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do
> >>
> >> now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with
> >>
> >> his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> >>
> >> them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
> >>
> >> old poodle says.
> >>
> >>
> >> 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour
> >>
> >> ago to bring me another leopard!
> >>
> >>
> >> Moral of this story....
> >>
> >>
> >> Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will
> >>
> >> always overcome youth and skill! xxxxxxxx and brilliance
> >>
> >> only come with age and experience.
> >>
>
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been
> decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly
> drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
>
> They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they
> do their business behind a headstone or something.
>
> One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take
> off her panties and use them, then throw them away.
>
> Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear
> set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to
> salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the
> graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.
>
> They then made off for home.
>
> The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and
> said, 'These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife
> came home last night without her panties.'
>
> 'That's nothing,' said the other, 'Mine came back with a card
> stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of
> us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.'
>
Your on a roll, Lenn!!
LOL, dasher
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up
a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Hears a good one..................
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babywhales - that was funny! =))
Choosing a wife:
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed .
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
thought.....
thought.....
thought....
.
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, 'So,
Ole, how was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks
the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including
her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, 'HELP
ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!''
'Tunderin' Lord Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
This has been verified as real :
If you receive an e-mail entitled 'Bedtimes,' delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything
on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms
your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto
dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU
ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine If the 'Bedtimes'
message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and
leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub of water. It will
not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your
right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will
ignite the furniture nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this,
17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you -- you're on the computer!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the definition of a Dick Head?
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A somewhat local church
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Another one sent to me from a die hard Packer fan
[attachment deleted by admin]
=)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Excellent, BW
Got another one.
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"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us
candidates."
---Jay Leno
Tom Reed (Giantfan67) sent me this:
MAFIA'S BOOKKEEPER
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in
the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather
tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper signs
back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the God father: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don 't tell
him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney
replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
She'd been taught 'housework is a woman's job,'
but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children
bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on
the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
Turned out that Ralph had read an article that
said, 'Wives who work full-time and then had to do their own housework
were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told
her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even
cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired...'
How To Install A Home Security System In The South =============
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Think that would work, here in NY???
I loved it. =)) =)) =)) =))
Bob works hard at the plant?
and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday
L- =))
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)
I'm a Democrat but I have a sense of humor too. Some of this is ridiculous but some is pretty funny too:
2008 Democrat National Convention
Schedule of Events
7:00 pm OPENING FLAG BURNING
7:15 pm PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.
7:20 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
7:25 pm NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton
7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
8:00 pm HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET - Al Gore
8:15 pm GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
8:40 pm OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry
9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
11:05 pm COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND - Barbara Streisand
11:15 pm FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn
11:30 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
11:50 pm HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS - Howard Dean
12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am NOMINATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA - Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
1:05 am CORONATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA
1:30 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home
Some great stuff there bama.
I'll drink to that. <:-P
Thanks to Jay Leno:
Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to
> grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going
> to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women
> grow another breast, men will want another hand.'
INTERNATIONAL PUN CONTEST
>
> It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level
> of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International
> Pun Contest.
>
>
> 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess
> looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
> passenger.
>
>
> 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
> says, 'Dam!'
>
>
> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
> craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it, too.
>
>
> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
> says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
>
>
> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
> canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
>
>
> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
> the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
> the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
> they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand
> chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
>
>
> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
> family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ;
> they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
> birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
> wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're
> twins! If you've seen Juan, you' ve seen Ahmal.'
>
>
> 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a
> small florist shop to raise funds Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
> the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
> unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
> went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
> florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
> 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
> saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
> thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
>
>
> 9 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
> produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
> little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
> bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good...) a super
> calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
>
> 10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
> friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
> No pun in ten did.
>
>
"Now THAT is funny! I still think the pun is nearly the highest form of jocularity, next to the dirty Irish Limerick!"
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Got this one from my mom
The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said,
'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds,
'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter,
who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers'
Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one --
which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed,
'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but
you do have a point, and
I guess I did not specify, so
I will give you credit for that answer.'
'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter
'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but
I thunk and thunk about that, and
I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied,
'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and
I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but
I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song,
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' '
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
'Run Forrest, run!'
African tribe
A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?
'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, it's turned black.'
MATRIMONY?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
_________
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL Moments
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.. 'The
patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and
now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Cl air, Norfolk , VA.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete
confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my
husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this
morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed
on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the
grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY!!!...
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was
quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To
cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She
replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)
Not to pick on women but.........
Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother- In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Oh yea Sam, LOL
=)) =)) =))
HE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to '10'.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5...'
...at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky , Arkansas , Texas , Louisiana , Georgia , Mississippi, Missouri , Florida ,Tennessee, West Virginia and Washington DC.
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?
26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
Some I've heard before, but others are very cute. :ok: :ok: :ok:
And another
A woman sufferjet trying to convert a tribe of indians to catholocism was staying in the encampment to have a greater impact. She happens to notice an indian with a feather and inquires as to where it was from. The indian says , "Aw it because me only fuckum one squaw" A short while later she sees an indian with two and gets a similar story. So as she approaqches the chief she notices a long flowing headpiece with hundreds of feathers in it. She stops the chief and says, "Chief, where on earth did you get all those feathers?"
"Well" says the chief. "Me fuckum every squaw in the valley!"
The woman gasps and says, "How hostile"
The chief says, "Hostile,freestyle,Backstyle. Me no care." The woman says "Oh dear".
The chief quickly adds, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast!"
A small zoo in Tennessee received a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the ternaries determined the problem.
The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. 'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.' The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. 'Second', he said, 'You can't never tell no one about this.' The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. 'Third', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the chil'drun raised as Baptist.'Once again it was agreed.
4. 'And last of all', Bobby Lee stated, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.
"A TRUE southern style joke, I spewed the coffee..."
Lenn and Jim,
=)) :laugh:
A Florida senior citizen named Weeze drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he
thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then
120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and
pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Porsche, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let
you go."
Weeze paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my girlfriend ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
The 'Perfect Password'
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would
now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N...I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
(keep scrolling down)
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss'...........And before he could say 'xxxx', the Rottweiler ate him!
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: Oops...
Compliment
A woman was standing nude looking in her bedroom mirror.
She said to her husband,
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy.
'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts
'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Fred was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect
to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and
sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of
the driveway.
Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie, it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later on this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello?" the woman says.
Wow! She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."
A little humor which we could all use these days....
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
$33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have
received a $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an American!
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the
day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped
fishing!!
A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot to numb him.
'No way. No needles. I hate needles.' says the patient.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
again objects.'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking
a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't,' says the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth.'
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver
RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes--they're having a yard sale."
RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE.
The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each
> of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young
> Patrick Murphy.
>
> "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she
> asked.
>
> Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and
> my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass
> and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and
> we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
> stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for
> Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
>
> "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what
> do you do at Christmas?"
>
> "Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and
> Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
> We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up
> our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus
> to bring our presents."
>
> Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
> wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,
> "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
>
> Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad
> comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls
> Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get
> inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to
> sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go
> to the Bahamas."
>
Important things to know when traveling through the USA.
Weird and not yet repealed laws:
CALIFORNIA It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
FLORIDA It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
OHIO Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
KANSAS Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
OKLAHOMA Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.
ALABAMA It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (Really)
NEW YORK It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
"In Kentucky, when someone drives a car over a bridge, it requires someone out front waving a red lantern.
It is also illegal to walk down a public street with an ice cream cone in your pocket.
In Ft Thomas, dogs are not allowed to molest cars. In Owensboro, a woman must have her husband's permission to buy a hat!
You may not dye a duckling blue, and offer it for sale, unless you sell more than half-dozen at a time. Throwing eggs at a public speaker can get you a year in jail (I like that one)
In Indiana, it is just crazy. First, the blue laws here still keep you from buying beer, liquor, or wine by the package on Sunday or a holiday, but you can go to a bar or restaurant and live it up.
Liquor stores still cannot sell cold soft drinks, or milk!
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
You can get out of paying for a dependent
Sven and Ole go to hell
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go
to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He
says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesotta , da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up theheat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from
Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone
down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying
yourselves?'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere
at Brainerd, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis
nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in
Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are
hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable
to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the
room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas,
bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling
and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand,
when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're
still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if
hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Now THAT I like.
Could just as well insert any of a few teams in there and send it off to many fans. =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major big shots of Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn
Are you smarter than a 4th grader?????????????
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Toward the end of Sunday service, the preacher asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The preacher then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady, Mrs. Neely
The preacher asked her, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any enemies." She replied, smiling sweetly.
The preacher said, "Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived all of them."
Dealing With The Burdens Of Life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
---------------------------------
Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to
the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo in that location.
She responds, 'It's really cool,
if you put your ear up against it you can smell the ocean.'
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
> She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won 't stop staring at her.
>
> She asks him why he is staring.
>
> He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don ' t want to offend
> you.'
>
> She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you ' re as old as I am
> and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
> just about everything. I 'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
> ask that I would find offensive.'
>
> 'Well, I 've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
>
> She responds, 'Well, let 's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
> to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I ' m single and Catholic!'
>
>
> 'OK,' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
> make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
> starts crying.
>
> 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
>
> 'Forgive me but I 've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
> I 'm married and I 'm Jewish.'
>
> The nun says, 'That ' s OK. My name is Kevin and I ' m going to a
> Halloween party.'
>
> HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!
>
>
>
>
Famous sayings to ponder:
Virginity like
Bubble, one XXXXX, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
Pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
Wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
Organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
Toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
Church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal..........
They got all excited
And asked me if I could drive a truck.
What us men have to put up with
===============================================
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
> him that he has only 24 hours to live.
>
>
>
> Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
>
>
>
> Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
>
>
>
> About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
>
>
>
> 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
>
>
>
> Could we please do it one more time?'
>
>
>
> Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
>
>
>
> Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
>
>
>
> and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
>
>
>
> He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
>
>
>
> 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
>
>
>
> She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
>
>
>
> After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
>
>
>
> Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until
> he's down to 4 more hours.
>
>
>
> He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
>
>
>
> Do you think we could...'
>
>
>
> At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris,
>
>
>
> I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
> Better than a Flu Shot!
>
>
>
> Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
> eighties and had never been married.
>
> She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to
> all.
>
> One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and
> she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
>
> She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
> tea.
>
> As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
> minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
>
> The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
> floated, of all things, a condom!
>
> When she returned with tea and scones, they began
> to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
> about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
> but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
>
> 'Miss Beatrice,' he said as he pointed to the
> bowl, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
>
> 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was
> walking through the park a few months ago
> and I found this little package on the ground. The
> directions said to place it on the organ,
> keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
> of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu
> all winter?!!'
>
>
Why some women are like bowling balls:
First, they get picked up,
then fingered,
then thrown in the gutter
and they keep coming back for more!
===
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
'Get Away!' she said.
'Those are for the funeral.'
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'
Dear Penis, I Don't Think I like you Anymore
http://www.igc.be/igc/dearpenis.htm (http://www.igc.be/igc/dearpenis.htm)
The Pope in Alaska
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush T-shirt,' was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'
A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX.
IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY
ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.
EXAMPLES:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER
WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?
A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS...........
'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SH,T.'
Apparently the medical research to date has been flawed!
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than a n efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Husband and wife are shopping in Walmart when the man picks up a caseof Budweisser and sticks them into the cart
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on sale, only
$10.00 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30.00 jar of Olay face cream and sticks it into the cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'So does 24 cans of Budweisser and it
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off .'
'Could you jack off?' she says......'I feel like sh!t.'
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said,
'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever??
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
;
'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH COME ON!' St. Peter shouted.
'It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?'
A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting-firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.
She put his hoo ha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'
The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you want.'
The Muslim Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the
Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues,
but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.Then one
night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one
corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away.KABOOM!He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards
away, r ight into a chimney.KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a
passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach
said to himself. "He hasthe perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States
and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother."Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!""I
don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!""I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads.."I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here
among thousands of my adoring fans.""No! Let me tell you!" his mother
retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within
an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the
house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully
says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"
Good one Chris. You should post that on the main board also. I think many would enjoy it.
Sick Hamster ---
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: My son's hamster just got back from the vet. Here's what
happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again, I think with the more sarcasm.)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about
to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.
It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.
Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie IS a boy."
"What?" we gasped in confusion
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr.Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my
wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks...
Trip to the Vet - 30 bucks...
Mental Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's tiny wacker........
Priceless!
Black Bra Society --- (as told by a female) ---
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were
chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing
a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed
to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went. My
engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love
all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for
the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an A.
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
good one. I have not heard THAT one. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Coughlin Retires....
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/tom_coughlin_retires_from_family (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/tom_coughlin_retires_from_family)
That's pretty funny and extremely well done. =))
Funny thing is, I can see it happening. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Now I don't care who you are, this is funny!
There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since. :what: :what: :what:
One night this guy and his date were about to go into his apartment, but
before he could open his door she said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a
man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy
shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he
is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the
hole then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
"Very interesting," said the guy.
Then she asked, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick
the lock."
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah .. I see you regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.. You're going to beokay, you'll walk again and everything, but .... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is that it isn't cheap. It is $1000 an inch.
The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you go for the
nine-inch, your wife might be a bit put off. But if you had a nine-inch
before and you go for the five-inch, she might be disappointed. So it's an
important decision that you and your wife should probably talk over. The man agrees to talk to his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and says "So, have you spoken to your
wife?"
"I have" says the man.
"And she has helped you in making the decision?"
"Yes she has", the man says.
"And what is it ?" the doctor asked.
"We're getting new granite counter tops"!
Message:
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.
A benefit for NFL Quarterbacks having short names?
[attachment deleted by admin]
OH MY =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
SERVICE: "Ridge Hall computer assistance, may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
SERVICE: "What sort of trouble?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
SERVICE: "Went away?"
CUSTOMER: "They disappeared."
SERVICE: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
CUSTOMER: "Nothing."
SERVICE: "Nothing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
SERVICE: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I tell?"
SERVICE: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a sea prompt?"
SERVICE: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
SERVICE: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a monitor?"
SERVICE: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?"
CUSTOMER: "I don't know."
SERVICE: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, I think so."
SERVICE: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
CUSTOMER: "Yes, it is."
SERVICE: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
SERVICE: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
CUSTOMER: "Okay, here it is."
SERVICE: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
CUSTOMER: "I can't reach."
SERVICE: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
SERVICE: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
CUSTOMER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
SERVICE: "Dark?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
SERVICE: "Well, turn on the office light then."
CUSTOMER: "I can't."
SERVICE: "No? Why not?"
CUSTOMER: "Because there's a power failure."
SERVICE: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."
SERVICE: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
CUSTOMER: "Really? Is it that bad?"
SERVICE: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
CUSTOMER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
SERVICE: "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
Why we are in trouble in America !!!
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa '
Her response is unprintable.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, '' Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ' Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I' ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express! ''
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply:
''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal"
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails.
You hang in there sunshine....... :what:
Who is really your Friend?
Your wife or your dog?
If you not sure or maybe confused I challenge you to an experiment.
Place your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car............
Retrun in an hour or two and I assure you the answer to the question will become very clear.
Never forget who said love, honor and obey vs. who actually practices it!!!!!!!
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice
Just Enough
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I'M 96 SAID THE OLD MAN.'
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the
Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the
penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but
he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about
this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without
pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the
itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this
type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick
would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder,
which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's
itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a
hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick
couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report
this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, Looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
Would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
The best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,
But the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
Your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
Takes the drunk by the shoulders,
Looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
Never choke in a restaurant in the South...
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'HindLick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
I found a Somalia cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).
The cost is a bit high but it seems well worth it. What I found encouraging and enlightening is that the cruise line is encouraging people to bring their own high powered weapons along. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days. All the boat
does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:
$800.00 US/per day per person, double occupancy (4 day minimum) M-16 full automatic: rental $25.00/day with ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor-piercing for $15.95
AK-47 rifle: no charge. Ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com bloc ball ammo for $14.95
Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle: rental $55.00/day. Ammo at 25 rounds of 50 BMG armor piercing at $19.95
Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included). They even offer RPG's at $75 bucks and $200 for 3 standard loads Mounted mini-gun available @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire.
Free complimentary night vision equipment.
Meals are not included but seem reasonable. Coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am
They offer group rates and corporate discounts, and even offer a partial money back guarantee if not satisfied.
Text from the ad: "We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots.
"We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly.
Reserve your package before April 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."
Here are a few testimonials:
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!" ---- Stan, Denver, CO USA
"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again." ----Lars, Hamburg, Germany
"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun.
PIRATES 0, PASSENGERS 32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English." ----- Ned, Salt, Lake City, Utah USA
"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use, and their crappy aim reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam." ----"Chopper" Dan, Toledo, Ohio USA.
"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do." ---Zeke, Minnahaw, Springs, Kentucky USA
good one Jim
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest ..
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadel phia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in South Philly, they have a weekly
husband's-only marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a
her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to
Italy for our 20th anniversary!"
The priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th anniversary?"
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
He replied, "Because that's a microwave."
Hollywood Squares: If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A Paul Lynde : Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Sam, you just made my day. I'm in tears laughing. =))
forgot how good that show was, at least until Whoopie took over.
Service????
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word "service."
Internal Revenue "Service"
U.S. Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
Cable "Service"
Civil "Service"
Customer "Service"
State, City & County Public "Service"
Government "Service"
This is not what I thought "service" meant. But today, I overheard
two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to
"service" a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
I man boards a plane and he sits down next to a beautiful woman who is reading a book. The man decides to strike up a conversation. "What are you reading there?" he asks. The woman says "It's a book on how to find sexual satisfaction. It's very interesting. Right here it says that Indian and Polish men make the best lovers. By the way, my name is Jill. What's your name?" "Flying Cloud Kowalski! Nice to meet you!"
Good Advice to follow:
If you get an email titled "nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it. It could contain a virus.
If you get an email titled "nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.
:Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
> on the computer.>>
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of>
hearing all the bickering...>>
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to>
set up ? test that>>
will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does>
the better job.'>>
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They>
moused. They faxed.>>
They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded.>
They did spreadsheets!
>> They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created>
charts and graphs.>>
They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.>>
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.>>
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed> across the sky,>> '
thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..>>
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known>
in the underworld.>>
Jesus just sighed..>>
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their>
computers.>>
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE!>>
'I lost everything when the power went out!'>>
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from >
thepast>
two hours of work.>
Satan observed this and became irate.> '
Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come hehas allhis>
work and I don't haveany?'>>
God just shrugged and said,>>>
JESUS SAVES....
A New York guy dies and goes to Heaven.
The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in.
First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"
The New York guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."
The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?"
The New York guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd...."
The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?"
The New York guy replies, "Howard."
The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?"
The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."
The Nun in Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious,he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Eight most feared words (when put in a sentence) in the English language. . .
"We're from the Government - we're here to help"
John and Helen met while on holidays. John fell head over heels in ovewith her.
But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various
dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced it was true love.
And so.....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his new
found lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going
to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest,
here goes .... You need to know that I'm a hooker."
"I see," John replied. "That's a problem, for sure."
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added,
"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists
straight when you tee off."
A Well-Planned Retirement (I suspect this to be true but wasn't sure)
Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were
> >
> > THE
> > ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE
> >
> >
> > At St. lucy's Catholic
> > Church they have a weekly husbands marriage
> > seminar.
> > At the session last week, the
> > priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
> > approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a
> > few minutes and share
> > some insight into
> > how he had managed to stay married to the same woman
> > all
> > these years.
> >
> > Giuseppe replied to the assembled
> > husbands, 'Wella, I've trieda to treat
> > her
> > nicea, spenda da money on her, but
> > besta of all is, I tooka her
> > to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
> >
> > The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are
> > an amazing inspiration to all the
> > husbands here! Please tell us what you are
> > planning for your wife for your
> > 50th
> > anniversary?'
> >
> > Giuseppe proudly
> > replied, "I'm agonna go get her. "
Subject: Ambidextrous Golfing Lady
Ambidextrous Golfing Lady
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week ?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She was a fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game..
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed ?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointing straight up in the air ?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late !"
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order, the figures were:
1. A Woman
2. A Donkey
3. A Shovel
4. A Fish
5. A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock, and the figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said: "the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time:
1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew how to make tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious group of people."
A little old man in the front row raised his hand to get the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way, it reads: "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that babe!"
A man owned a small farm in Arkansas . The Arkansas Wage & Hours
Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded
the Agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has
been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room
and board. There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per
week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife, occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit", says the Agent.
"That would be me", replied the farmer.
cute one
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he should eventually make a full recovery.
**********************************************************
Not sure if these are actually true or not, but they're funny nonetheless.
**********************************************************
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTO RNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor , before you performed the autopsy , did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So , then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure , Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see , but could the patient have still been alive , nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes , it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
God recently met with
Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Brett Farve, 3 of the NFL
Great nygsem! =D>
My father actually had a similar conversation with a car insurance agent after filing a claim for hitting a deer. My dad got a lot of milage out of this story over the years.
Agent: I see you said you were travelling down Highway 33 when the accident took place. Approximately where did you hit the deer?
Father: Right in the ass.
Agent: (Chuckling) I understand but where was the car when you struck the deer.
Father: Left cheek.
Agent: Did it run out in front of you?
Father: (Sarcastically, starting to raise his voice) No, I chased it about a quarter mile through the cornfeild before I finally caught up with him. By the way, I'm fine .....not that it matters. Do you have any other questions you want to ask that aren't sitting in front of you on the police report?
Mickie and Minnie Mouse were having marital problems and finally wound up in divorce court.
The judge says, "So Mr. Mouse it states in the court papers that you are filing for divorce because your wife is crazy?"
Mickey answers, "Judge I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.
A high school senior who grew up on a small farm in Oklahoma is preparing himself to be the first member of his family to attend college. His father is hoping he will attend the local community college where he can live at home and maintain the values he was taught. The young man is quite bright and is offered a generous scholarship to a prestigious university in the big city. After much pleading the father finally relents and allows his son to leave home to attend the university.
The son dutifully writes home every week, but with each letter the father realizes that his fears are justified. His son is rapidly conforming to the big city ways. On the 7th week away from home a letter arrives and with it a picture of his son. On the back of the photo the son has written...Look father I have grown this beautiful goatee. Don't I perhaps look like a count?
The father is horrified and sends off a return letter.
All that money for college and you STILL CAN'T EVEN SPELL!!
The two lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the
football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the not hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
A mother is driving her little girl
to her friend's house for a play date. "mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weight?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, " I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and ask, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weight 135 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
"Oh, really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
While traveling thru Texas
I saw a road sign that said,
"Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787."
So I did.
Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with his tow truck.
A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot to numb him.
'No way. No needles. I hate needles.' says the patient.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
again objects.'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking
a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't,' says the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth.'
God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said ...
"What's a headache?"
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes
Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent
his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are
now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for
HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system
will only pay for these expensive tests just one time..."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"The folks at 'ObamaCare' recommend that
you drop your husband off somewhere in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
I found it funny, maybe you will too.
[attachment deleted by admin]
LOL - he was dropped by AT&T and picked up by Trojan
LOL....or this one.
[attachment deleted by admin]
During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde
receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she
was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and
include at least one capital.
A fleeing Arab desperate for water was plodding through the
> Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
> Hoping to find water, he hurried toward 'the object' only to find a
> little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
>
> The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
>
> The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
> tie? They are only $5."
>
> The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
> water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
>
> "O.K." said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not
> want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
> bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
> two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
> water you need. Shalom".
>
> Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
>
> Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your f***ing
> brother won't let me in without a tie".
" A Jewish fellow dies and enters into the realm of the Lord. 'Dear Lord, all my life I have been hassled by Gentiles, I took their abuse because they pay really well in my shop, and I accepted that they could not argue with me for the jewelry. Dear Lord , they gave me grief!'
With a booming voice, the Lord states: "Well, SOMEBODY gots to pay retail"
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Len!
All he wants is anal sex, and my XXXXXXX is now the size of a 50 cent piece
when it used to be about the size of a nickel."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live
in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
"The shrewish Jewish wife rolls over in bed and wakes up Lenn. "It's cold outside, close the window already" 'Harrumph' replies Lenn, wearily looking at the slightly cracked bedroom window. "Wake up Lenn, its cold outside, close the window!" 'herrrrmph' mutters the poor soul. "I said CLOSE THE WINDOW ITS COLD OUTSIDE ALREADY" 'Grrrr' rumbles ole Lenn as he pulls his tired harrassed old bones across the cold floor and 'Slam' 'Snick' locks down the window. "Ok Ok, so its warm outside already?"
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up he noticed Bob's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced..
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !
A woman was in a coma... she had been in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick& bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked."
For those who like puns.
1.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was
a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
16. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
17. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
18. A backward poet writes inverse.
19. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
20. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
I think most of us must have some Irish in us (my wife's name is Catherine Helen, her father was a large Irish homicide Lt. in Queens, NY and the family enjoyed drinking a hell of a lot, with cousins and other relatives who also were cops, firemen, a nun, a priest and yes, alcohol was a heaven sent drink).
IN AN IRISH FAMILY---
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IN AN IRISH FAMILY
1) You will never play professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one aunt who is a nun or uncle who's a priest.
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone.
7) Many of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin.
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.
10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
12) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.
13) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.
14) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing..
15) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.
16) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
17) There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.
18) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
19) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know Sully. Then you probably know McMurphy.
20) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
21) You have Irish Alzheimer's, you forget everything but the grudges!
22) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'
23) Your skin's ability to tan not so much. (Only in spots!)
24) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of whiskey.
25) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.
26) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other. Not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each other.
And once in your life you should experience a REAL Irish wake!
Great Sam - I need to "appropriate" this and post is elsewhere. . .
Be my guest.
And Now for the rest of the story.........
"It is all so beautiful, God," Eve replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. "
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Come on Rock, tell us the truth, that was YOU, right =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
my son sent me this, pretty funny, especially from a still sort of newlywed
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE (this is not always true!)
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man named Peter shuffled slowly into 'Scoops', an ice cream parlor
near Vanderbuilt Beach, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT :
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
A JOB,
A DRIVERS LICENSE,
A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION,
FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON ,
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY
Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2007(in the USA )
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3... Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
=)) =)) =))
Lenn that was great. But the sad part is there is a lot of truth in it. I printed it out and showed it around at work and that was pretty much the sentiment.
It made me think of my last trip to the old Yankee Stadium. My son and I went to Old Timers Day there 2 years ago. I went to get us a couple of beers. It looked like the best deal on beer was 24 oz Heineken for $12.50. So I ordered 2 and took out a twenty and a ten. The gal took the money and gave me this blank stare. Then she takes out a hunk of cardboard and writes 12.50 down twice and adds it up to get 25.00 She then writes 30.00 down and subtracts the 25 and finally gives me the $5 change. I give her credit for getting it right but it was sad to see what she had to go through to come up with it.
Quote from: Webster29 on April 28, 2010, 10:44:06 PM
=)) =)) =))
Lenn that was great. But the sad part is there is a lot of truth in it. I printed it out and showed it around at work and that was pretty much the sentiment.
It made me think of my last trip to the old Yankee Stadium. My son and I went to Old Timers Day there 2 years ago. I went to get us a couple of beers. It looked like the best deal on beer was 24 oz Heineken for $12.50. So I ordered 2 and took out a twenty and a ten. The gal took the money and gave me this blank stare. Then she takes out a hunk of cardboard and writes 12.50 down twice and adds it up to get 25.00 She then writes 30.00 down and subtracts the 25 and finally gives me the $5 change. I give her credit for getting it right but it was sad to see what she had to go through to come up with it.
Its crazy how bad math skills have gotten. That joke is funny though. Thanks.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
Hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
You today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
Tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I
Go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
And I feel Great. I be at wok soon.........You got nice house'.
(Pardon my French!)
An Old Jewish Man:
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f@#kin' wall."
An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite
your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again..
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite
your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to
that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
The first blonde guy joke?
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much.'
( Oh this
is GOOD!! )
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
As long as we are on the subject of blonde I posted this one a few years ago but not on our joke thread so here is is again:
An attractive young blonde gal was out driving around in her shiny new sports car when the weather turned nasty. It started to hail and her car was pelted with hail stones the size of golf balls. When the storm ended she got out and examined the damage and was horrified to see several sizeable dents all over her car.
She took it to a body shop to see how much it was going to cost to have the damage fixed. The manager of the body shop thought he would have a little fun with the blonde and told her she could save a ton of money by fixing the damage herself. All she had to do was wait for the tail pipe to cool down so she doesn't burn her mouth and blow into the pipe as hard as she can and the dents will pop right out.
She drove the car home and after it cooled down she knelt behind the car and commenced to blow on the tail pipe. She did this for an hour and was so disappointed when she saw it was having no effect on the damage but she kept at it. Finally her equally blonde room mate drove up and asked what on earth was she doing. After she explained what she was doing the room mate said to her " My god how can you be so stupid. Don't you know you are supposed to close the windows before you start blowing the dents out".
And one blonde joke for the road:
2 blonds came upon a set of tracks. They couldn't decide what had made the tracks.
Blonde #1 said the tracks were made by a deer.
Blonde #2 said the tracks were made by a fox
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Obama's Honeymoon...(It's over when the comedians start.)
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask .
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
My 1 Day Employment by Maxine
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, ' Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
' heck no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .
Thought it was funny...
THOSE IRISH EYES
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><> &nbs p;
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's> chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
The Company Commander and the Gunny were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the Gunny said: "Sir, Look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
The C.O.said, "I see millions of stars."
The Gunny then asked, "And what does that tell you, Sir?"
The C.O. replied, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me God is great, and that we are all small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Gunny?"
The Gunny slowly shook his head and said, "Well Sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent!"
WHY I AM DEPRESSED
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) William Lyon Mackenzie King said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now McGuinty has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, food quality, Social Security, retirement funds, HST, eco tax, enviro tax, Hydro one increases, smart meters, delivery charges, etc. . .
I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult,
but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a damn Chihuahua ?!"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn
Wre you cool in high school?
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm (http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm)
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job, anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well,.... Not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet...
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts..
(And you thought YOU had bad breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Thank you for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future,
I will be in Guam !!!!!!
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
She peels it off ... and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
"That impossible," say the waitress. "The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says to the blonde, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize."
"No, it's not a mistake," said the blonde. "I've won a motor home!"
She hands the sticker to the manager and HE reads ...
.
.
.
.
"WINABAGEL".
Four men and a woman were having coffee after mass at the Catholic church. The first man said, "My first born just became a priest. When he enters a room, people greet him with, Good Day Father. We are so proud of him." The second man says, "My son is the Bishop and when he enters a room he is greeted with Your Excellency. We could not be prouder. The next man says that his oldest son is a Cardinal and his customary greeting is Your Eminence. "It fills me with such pride each time I hear it." The last man tells the rest that his son is the Pope and is greeted with Your Holiness. "We are filled with joy."
They all look at the woman and one said "Well....."
"I have a daughter" she said.........
.
.
.
.
She's very tall.......
.
.
.
.
She blonde.......
.
.
.
She's very beautiful......
.
.
.
Her measurements are 38D-24-36.....
.
.
.
When she enters a room she is greeted with.........
.
.
.
.
OH......................MY........................ GOD
A rustic oilfield hand-type comes up to the fundamentalist preacher after the sermon, and says "Preach, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard, I just wanted to tell ya just how damn good it was."
The preacher looks the guy over and says: "Well I appreciate it, but we don't like to use that kind of language here"
Oilman goes 'It was just such a DAMN good sermon, I puit $5000 in the collection plate"
Preacher's eyebrows shoot up "NO xxxx?"
HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering .
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping , put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle , put them in Human Resources .
i. If they say they have tried different combinations , they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved , put them in Administration.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
Finally , if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, then put them in Government ..
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
It's hell to be old....
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
>
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and
> bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
>
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
> and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
> previous day.
>
> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
> it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
> I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
>
> 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
> with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
> teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
>
> 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
> first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
> between her knees, but still nothing.'
>
> The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
>
> The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
My wife and I were at home watching TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish."
A Homeless Man's Funeral
>
> As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
> director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
> back country.
>
> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
>
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
>
> I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
> of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
> know what else to do, so I started to play.
>
> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
> I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
>
> And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
> wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
> started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
>
> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
> seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
> twenty years."
>
>
> Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took eight preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Luv Ya,
MAMA
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago
Devils and Angels -- Pretty funny all the way through
Devils & Angels (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQRMvg5TAl8#)
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, we have a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He answered, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to that 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh1t but me."
If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
I'll add to that:
Sneakers? we didn't have 300 choices on the rack with some guy in a Polo shirt going in the back room to find your size. They had a bin of ProKeds or Converse in the middle of the aisle at Two Guys or Bradlees and we picked through them until we found two of the same size tied together by the shoelaces. Who needs a shoe box anyway?
Remember when MTV was a cool cable station that played music videos?
My parents drove big heavy cars and no one knew how many miles to the gallon they got but everyone knew how to fix anything that broke themselves. Today we call them gas guzzlers and hope to God that one of them doesn't run into our Prius because it would crush it like a pop top can.
Hey, remember those? They stopped making them because people kept throwing the pull tabs on the ground. Now they just drop the whole can.
Remeber when rolling down the window actually meant rolling down the window?
Remember these?
Getting up to turn the channel.
Putting a little water in the ketchup bottle and shaking it up to get the last of it out.
Fluffernutter.
Duncan Yo-yos.
Those little thin waffle creme filled cookies of bright color and unknown providence.
Wonderama.
When parkas with the fake fur around the hood, flannel shirts, and down vests were cool but tight fitting (Underarmorish) shirts were for dorks.
Tang.
The Magilla Gorilla Show.
Sun Screen....... what:
jeez, I could go on for days..........
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Petie stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Pete?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Pete watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Pete 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Pete wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Pete! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Pete quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Pete's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Pete asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Petie attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Pete asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Pete, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
An old golfer named Len comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer named Len walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers(Weeze and Whales). She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fu**ing good because I want a cheeseburger."
gee whiz, get it right for gods sake. that was NOT weeze and whales drinking beer...............................it was rum and coke!
Your darn right, ======get it right.
No self respecting Jewish guy would order a cheeseburger,
especially on Passover :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
gotta keep an eye on that DASHER guy........................
Don't you sleep??????????????????? :no: :no: :no: :no: :no:
or do you have to be first on line for the senior early bird breakfast at the hash and trash diner. :yes: :yes:
i sleep fine, the scoliosis and fibromyalgia doesnt. :(
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands
has opened in New York City ,
where a woman may go to choose
a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store
ONLY ONCE! There are six
floors & the value of the
products increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any
item from a particular floor, or
may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back
down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who
inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last
day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was
completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
"On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag
our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge cedar chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the
next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the
fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man,......."picture this, I'm buck naked
hiding in this cedar chest....."
The only cow in a small town in Tennessee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in
Kentucky for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Kentucky and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were
pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow
would move away. No
matter what approach
the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and
he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what
to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from
the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs
off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a
minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in
Kentucky ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought
the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Kentucky ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Kentucky ."
From my wife to youse guys, her twisted sense of humour:
While I sat in the reception area
Of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
In a wheelchair into the room. As she went
To the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
And silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
Small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
His mother's lap and walked over to
The wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said,
How Old Men Like Len Can Succeed With Beautiful Young Women
Len met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between them and she immediately dropped to her knees
and lay on the grass at his feet.
As they lay making love, Len thought,
"These taser guns are well worth the money".
I sure won't get any with my looks. ~X( ~X( ~X( ~X( ~X(
Talk about ME being old, here's a true story about Dasher and his little blue pills
Dale goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give Dale a shot to numb him.
'No way. No needles. I hate needles.' he says
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and
Dale again objects.'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'
The dentist then asks if Dale has any objection to taking
a pill.
'No objection,' he says, 'I am fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
Dale says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't,' says the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth.'
Now see, you are making two assumptions- my thing works and the little blue pill works.
Hey, I can only realte what Weeze told me.
yeah yeah yeah, sure , blame me. after all we dont have eds to kick around anymore! :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok:
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are
no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
"yeah yeah yeah, sure , blame me. after all we dont have eds to kick around anymore!
Now THIS is a GOOD thing!"
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.....
Today you voted.
A good ole North Carolina boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He
brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What the hell you gonna
do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100
miles of here."
Irish Alzheimers
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
From the wife:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.Goodness!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out. Why doesn't the government spend some $$ figuring out how to cross a pig and a lion??
Then in my next life, I could come back as a lion pig!! Not a lying pig, we already have them, they are called politicians!!!!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!
(and God love that pig!)
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
_____________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade,
especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced
of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open
to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.
Just WOW! :surprise:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
The Irish Christening.
Paddy
Where to Eat:
A group of 40-year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea as they have never been there before.
When their numbers dwindled from 50 down to 8 the Dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes,
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"Donald frowned and said, "No."[font=comic sans ms]
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.[/font] So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms."Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?""Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll[font=comic sans ms]thuffocate!"[/font]
A man joins a monastery. He takes a vow of silence, but is allowed to speak two words every ten years. The years go by, and the monk is granted his brief utterance: "Bed hard."
Ten more years of tending the garden, vespers and deprivation, the monk is ready to speak his mind: "Food cold."
By this time, the spartan living, the long hours and boring work have taken their toll. When the next ten years have finally passed, the monk appears again before the abbot to say his piece: "I quit."
"I'm not surprised, replied the abbot, "you've been complaining ever since you got here."
A man orders 3 beers at the bar and takes a sip from each one, in turn, until he's finished them. A week later, he's back to repeat this ritual. The bartender, dying to know what the deal is, asks the man why he drinks his beers in such a way. The man explains that he and his 2 brothers were very close growing up, but now the brothers were separated by great distances and couldn't be with each other often. They decided that whenever one of them had a drink, he would order two more for his missing brothers; it would be like they were all together again.
Week after week, the man came in and had his three beers. Then, one day, he came to the bar and ordered only 2 beers. He sat and drank them as usual. The crowd in the bar could be heard sighing, thinking that something unfortunate must have occurred. The bartender finally came over and asked him if something had happened to his brother.
The man looked up. "Oh no, nothing like that, everyone's just fine. I just quit drinking, that's all."
Mickey Mouse is in divorce court. The Judge says to him, "Mickey, you can't divorce Minny Mouse because you claim she's crazy."
Mickey replies in his high pitched squeaky voice, " Your Honor, I didn't say Minny was crazy, I said she was fuc#ing goofy!"
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug
Through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.'***
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...
You Have to Love The Irish Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'[/t] |
ababab Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father...'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'[/t] |
ababab Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'[/t] |
ababab Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'[/t] |
ababab An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'[/t] |
ababab Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
ababab David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.[/t] |
[/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]
Hold My Manhood!| [/size]Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. [/size]One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"[/size]She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"[/size][/font][/size]Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" [/t][/t][/t] |
|
|
[/size]
"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while". [/size]
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. [/size]
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. [/size]
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. [/size]
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. [/size]
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood! [/size]
Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?"[/size]
Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's[/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]
Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features. And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
"A guy goes into a bar. None there but himself and a beautiful young lady at the other end. He says 'bartender, send her a double on me!" Bartender says, hey, pal, she's a lesbian. "oh well, give me a couple of doubles' He sucks them down, and waddles to the end of the bar, and turns to the beautiful young woman and says "Shay, honey, how are things in Beirut?"
Same dumbass goes into a bar. Noone but him and a beautiful young lady at the other end. "Bartender, put a small shot o' rye in front of every chair between me and the beautiful young lady down there' Bartender does it, then the dumbass jumps into the next chair and quickly sucks down the shot 'thrip' then the next seat 'thrip' then the next seat ''thrip' "wait a second, there pal" goes the bartender, just exactly are you doing? You set up an empty bar with dsrinks, then you are gonna work your way through them?"
"NAW, I AM JUST GOING DOWN TO THE SHE IN SIPS"
< APPLAUSE, GROANS, THROWN BEERS>
BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOO :boooo: :boooo: :boooo:
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
Len's grandchild wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
she is so-o-o-o-o talented that she can write so-o-o-o-o small, no one can read it. At least I can't. even at 7 months
Sheesh.....was that an eye test? Because if so, I have an appointment to make.
Helping a brother out. . .Since I used to write so damn small :D , I was able to read what Dasher posted. If you dont mind, I will translate to bigger text for all of you. :ok:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
They go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
good job Jim.
Dale put down that magnifying glass and get a good printer.
Now I am worried. I can cut and paste the emails just fine and they look just fine after I post them. What the hell happens? Must be that Weeze screwing with me.
hilarious
http://www.nypost.com/p/sports/giants/former_giants_star_barber_devastated_zQHtZTlKmRXt4RiOtkqTJK (http://www.nypost.com/p/sports/giants/former_giants_star_barber_devastated_zQHtZTlKmRXt4RiOtkqTJK)
A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 19th
century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the
founder of the Mormon church.
Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the
Mormon church?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to
Utah?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian
religions as false except Mormonism?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Now she's really getting mad.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Then furiously in anger, she says.......
Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"
Brigham Young: "I am!"
Annual English Teachers' awards for best student metaphors/analogies
found in actual student papers:
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George,
this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.
I've heard most of these before. Just as funny the second time around. =))
Quote from: Derach on September 16, 2011, 07:34:09 PM
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
Must have been a Douglas Adams fan.
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, not by the beauty of it all, nor the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Bob, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake 'And why is everyone so quiet, So somber - give me a clue.' 'Hush, child,' He said, 'They
Awesome, Jimbo!
Thanks Drake
I realize it wasn't a "joke" per se, but those that know me should and will understand.
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
What A Coincidence A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different xxxx,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and whispered, 'guess Who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
Soooo, here I am.
I'm too ADD to read these jokes which are like short stories. :laugh:
Was walking down the High Street with my wife the other day when we passed this new restaurant.
"Aw, that smell was delicious", "we should go there some time".
Ever the good guy, I thought I should treat her.
So we walked past it again.
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"! The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same, but the laundry is piling up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis that she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that...2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Electric Guitar.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt to check my prostate! Do you think I should change dentists?
A farmer in Saskatchewan has successfully grown a field of vibrators. Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
hey drake, ive called you about 6 times. whats up?
why does the rf modulator send the audio through no problem but if you turn tv 1 off, tv 2 picture freezes. since tv 2 is a older one non hi def, i cant tell if the signal arrivuing is hi def or not. i see commericals with the sides cut off the picture so to speak but i dont know if thats "normal' for a non hi def tv or not. makes me wonder what the signal is, hi def or not. and of course i dont own a 3rd hi def tv to check.
outside of that nothing else to report. on the medical front we got some additional meds that i dont want to bore people here with so ill save it for next time i talk to you which at this rate is 8 months from now..................
freaking toyota pimpwagon driver
'"well im one toke over the line sweet jesus, one toke over the line. sittin' downtown in a railway station one toke over the line.
waitin' for the train to take me home sweet mary, hoping that the train is on time. sittin' downtown in a railway station one toke over the line."
thought you were going to call me at 7 last night. what you do, sit down and toke up?
A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and
they proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the
pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook.
"So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose
that leg?"
"Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me
overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off
and I've had this peg leg ever since."
"Wow!" says the sailor. "And how'd you get the hook?"
"We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some
scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had
this hook ever since."
"Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?"
"Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in me
eye."
"A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.
"Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me first
day with the new hook."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for
decoration.'
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do what ever he
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both . Be strong,
honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too.'
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year blonde girl replaced all the windows in her house with those expensive triple-pane energy- efficient kind. Today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,.............just because she's blonde doesn't nean that she is automatically stupid. She told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year, namely that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year!, she told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line.
So, she hung up.
Can you imagine a Num grading papers, trying to keep a straight face and her compoure.
The following come, supposedly, from a Catholic school test where kids were asked about the old and new testaments.
1.
In the first book of the bible, Guinnesis, God got tied of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and Arkthe animals came on in pears.
3.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6.
Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7.
Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is breas without any ingredients.
8.
The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards Moses went up to Mountcyanide to get the ten commmandments.
9.
The first ten commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada then joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12.
The greatest miricle in the bible was when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13.
David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in blblical times.
14.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines
15.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16.
When the 3 wise guys from the east arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19.
Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22.
The epistels were the wives of the apostels.
23.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24.
St Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitche n and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother !'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
+1! =D>
The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, then another voice in his head would whisper: "You
Father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. Father asks his son; "where were you last night?"
... Son replies; "I was at the library" *robot slaps son* "Ok I was at a friends ...house."
"Doing what?" asked the father
.
"Watching a movie." says son.
"What movie?" asks father?
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Two guys in a bar. A long-legged blnde walk in. Pointing to her, one says to the other, "see that I've had her twin". "You have done what?" "I've had her twin". "Don't believe you!". "I'm telling you the truth", says the first guy.
The second guy takes a sip of his drink.
"How do you, you know, tell the difference"
"No problem at all. Her brother has a moustache".
A true story of our favorite ladies man Dasher
Last year, Dasher and his lovely girlfriend Bessie are vacationing in the West. Dasher always wanted a pair of
authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them
back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his girlfriend, "Notice anything
different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Dasher says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good Look. Notice anything
different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Dasher storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the room completely naked except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Dasher, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Dasher yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Dasher. ....... Shoulda bought a hat.
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man replied."Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste my time fishing." tht homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at the golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS," replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years." "Will you spend the money on a women in the red light district instead of food," the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks," exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't you wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "that's OK. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Email from Len to Weeze:
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Mrs Brown and the Condom - Mrs Brown's Boys - Series 2 Episode 1 - BBC One (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqIEZCRjR_A#ws)
My wife has just this minute left me - she says it's because of my obsession with horse racing. She's at the gate now, aaaanndd, she's off......
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He
replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points
toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any
way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both
my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got
enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours
are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00
am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00
am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."
his one's been around for a while, but worth another look
Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant
[][]
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical.
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
[]
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logicalarrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
[]
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a
man with his pants down.
Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up to the porch he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Blue and Red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Giants logo flag, and in every window, a Giants towel. Tom looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super bowls." God said, "So what's your point Tom?" "Well, why does Eli Manning get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said, "Tom, that's not Eli's house, it's mine." Thanks Debs for this laugh!!!!! Go GMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
... 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
A man walks into a pschiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
Sent from my Droid Charge using Tapatalk
This message serves to prove how our minds can do amazing things! Impressive things! In the beginning it was hard but now, on this line your mind is reading it automatically without or even thinking about it, be proud! Only certain people can read this
OK- what kind of people Chris???? I know Weeze and Len tried but failed.
Quote from: dasher on February 01, 2012, 03:22:13 PM
This message serves to prove how our minds can do amazing things! Impressive things! In the beginning it was hard but now, on this line your mind is reading it automatically without or even thinking about it, be proud! Only certain people can read this
OK- what kind of people Chris???? I know Weeze and Len tried but failed.
Weeze stood on his head to see if it helped. It didn't, so Betsy read it to him. :laugh:
I got it from a freind, I was going to remove the reference to sertain types of people but didn't. I am not sure how different people actualy view it. I suspect most will get it.
I do know the mind requries little in the way accurate spelling to interpret the meaing of a word and or sentence. while this uses symbols the same can be said if a sentence or paragraph starts and finishes every word with the correct letter, as such the ones in the middle can be inaccurate and have little need other than to fill a space. This exercise is similar.
Ten humorous anecdotes about living in America:
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching theSuper Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "JesusChrist".
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old
Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollarbill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.
Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Quote from: GFICO on February 04, 2012, 09:01:55 AM
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching theSuper Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "JesusChrist".
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old
Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollarbill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.
Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
How about this:
Q. What do the Cowboys and prostitutes have in common?
A. Both spend a lot of time on their back. (or horizontal)
Here is a good one...
LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem...
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers ... and then there are educators.
My Maths teacher asked class to draw a square.
So I drew a circle.
Him: "You're an idiot, go stand in the corner"
Me: "Where's that?"
Quote from: LennG on February 09, 2012, 07:41:08 PM
LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem...
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers ... and then there are educators.
=))
My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't be enough to ruin our sex life.
That may well be the case, but I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.
Quote from: St Marys on February 16, 2012, 08:51:44 PM
My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't be enough to ruin our sex life.
That may well be the case, but I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.
That's awesome
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the
golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him
and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex
life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself
again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same
stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving
up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies,
"Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs
another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the
stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match
be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the
golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to
the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't
really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the
Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to
meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE DISCLAIMER
Dating Service Commercial (Jon Lajoie) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIM-8DT-F_k#ws)
Quote from: dasher on February 19, 2012, 11:44:24 PM
WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE DISCLAIMER
Dating Service Commercial (Jon Lajoie)
Jon Lajoje is pretty funny. He stars as Taco in the FX Network show "the League" about a group of friends who play fantasy football. He is really funny. He makes his money as a stand-up. I've seen him a couple/few times, he is very good.
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.
The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike...
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
________________________________________
Taking his seat on a plane one day, Robert was overjoyed to see a beautiful woman making her way toward the seat next to him. Eager to get her talking, he asked, "So where are you flying to today?"
"I'm heading for the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Las Vegas," she said with a smile.
Robert was even happier. A beautiful woman, right next to him on the plane, and she was going to a Nymphomaniac Convention!
"What will you do at the convention?" he asked, trying not to show his excitement.
"I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality," she explained.
"What myths are those?" he asked.
"Well, one myth says African-American males are the most well-endowed, when actually it is Native American men who are most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, but research shows that the best lovers are Jewish men." Suddenly she became embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I know this topic must sound a little strange. I don't even know your name!"
The man held out his hand to her. "It's Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
________________________________________________________
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
___________________________________________________
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
At a wine merchants, the regular taster died, so the director started looking for a new one to hire. A old drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
This wasn't the kind of person we want to hire, thought the director. But he felt sorry for the old man, so he thought he would give him a glass to drink before sending him on his way.
"It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss, clearly impressed.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''Pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room only to appear moments later with a glass of urine in her hand.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant. If you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
My wife complained that I was prone to exaggeration. "I've told you a million times, honey, that's not true", I said.
Looking to cool down, I left the room. And that's when I nearly tripped over my penis.
Two drunks are drinking in a fifth story bar. After a few drinks one drunk goes over to the window jumps up onto the window ledge and jumps out the window. A few minutes later he comes walking up the steps sits back down at the bar and has a few more drinks.
He repeats this process several times and finally the second drunk turns to the first drunk and ask- "How are you surviving? This bar is five stories up. How are you not dead from jumping out that window"?
First drunk- "Oh, the way this building is built there is a updraft and with all the gasses in your body you just float right down".
Second Drunk- "I've got to try this"! Finishes his drink. Jumps off the bar stool marches over to the window. Jumps up onto the window ledge. Jumps out the window. SPLAT!
Bartender looks at the first drunk: "You know you are a complete jerk when you drink, Superman."
Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and was ready for some R&R. On Friday afternoon he looked up his pals Batman and Spider-Man to see if they were up for going on the prowl that evening.
Both turn him down on account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on her deck.
"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie and fly away before she knows what happened."
So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman asks, "What was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"
For our "mature" members ...
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."
______________________________________________________
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
A North Carolina State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car parked in the local lovers' lane with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks up to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:
'And her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane...and nothing romantic is going on!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. Fortunately there are some exceptional people who give us hope.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
QUOTE FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm
fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is
converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "Thats nothing We were in a battle, and
I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "Thats nothing , We were in another
battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was
cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "now that was something . One day we were
at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of
them shits in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "Thats awful but you don't
lose an eye just from bird xxxx."
"You do if it was my first day with the hook."
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He t...old the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed ...out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........ !
Bill comes to work speaking in a hoarse voice. Ralph asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced his ball out of bounds and into a pasture.
However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stuck in the back end of the cow.
He lifted up the cow's tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"
That's when she hit him in the throat with a 3 iron.
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in from of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Guaranteed awful:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down..
I saw a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
Velcro ? what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist.. He has fillings, too.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
"I think congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of coffee.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," replies his brother-in-law.
"Where did it go?", asks Arthur.
"I can't remember."
"I met some girls at the bar the other night. They had a british accent, so I asked "You ladies sound like you're from London"
One of them looked at me, and says "Wales, you moron"
So I followed up with "You whales sound like you're from London"
"A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did he do?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
"A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
"A father put his 3 year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grampa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy smokes" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy, and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock, and felt if it got to midnight, he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
"BRAVE MAN JOKES
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,
what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
"At a restruant one evening the husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
"Golf Panties
The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee, As she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?!!" Ole demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." she replied.
The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."
Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, was naked.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?" She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money
to be able at affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, woman---here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
"I was in Florida in February fishin' off Weeze's dock, but after a short time I ran out of bait. Then I saw a cotton mouth water moccasin snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it into my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma, how was I to release the snake without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth. His eyes rolled back then he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog for bait.
A little while later I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. "
"At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do
you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back
to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.
""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
"A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
"On the day of her wedding, Karen was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get shoes. Drama!
Her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Karen. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Karen's feet were swollen and hurting real bad.
When she and Willie withdrew to their room, the only thing Karen could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the family crowded around the door of the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Willie say, "God, that was TIGHT."
"There," whispered Grandma. "I TOLD you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Willie say "Now for the other one." After more grunting and moaning he finally yells, "My God. That was even TIGHTER."
"That's my boy," said Grampa. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
Its been a slow news day, so here's another from the newsroom:
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
"My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears,and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month..
The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
"A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a
word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
"All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest....."
"A Crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you... What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office, and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this damn bitch giving you a hard time?"
"Two buddies were speeding through the great state of Alabama when to their surprise, out of nowhere pops a state trooper and pulls them over. The state trooper approaches the driver side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The driver rows the window down. The state trooper smacks him on the back of the head and says that in the state of Alabama a driver should have his license and registration ready when the trooper gets to the car. The trooper then proceeds to write him a ticket and has the driver sign it.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The passenger rows the window and the trooper smacks him on the back of his head.
The passenger says, "What th' hell was that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What th' hell are you talking about?"
I know, when you get down the road there a ways, you're going to say to your buddy, 'I wish he would have tried that xxxx with me!'"
"A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
>>
>> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
>> bedroom closet to watch.
>>
>> The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
>> not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
>>
>> The little boy says, "Dark in here.."
>> The man says, "Yes, it is."
>> Boy: "I have a baseball."
>> Man: "That's nice"
>> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>> Man: "No, thanks."
>> Boy: "My Dad's outside."
>> Man: "OK, how much?"
>> Boy: "$250"
>>
>> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
>> in the closet together.
>>
>> Boy: "Dark in here."
>> Man: "Yes, it is."
>> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
>> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>> Boy: "$750"
>> Man: "Sold."
>>
>> A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
>> outside and have a game of catch."
>>
>> The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
>>
>> The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>> Boy: "$1,000"
>>
>> The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
>> that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession."
>>
>> They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
>> confessional booth and closes the door.
>>
>> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The priest says, "Don't start that xxxx again; you're in my closet now."
Official Rules for Indoor Golf
Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.
Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.
For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length or girth of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course.
The experienced player will normally admire the entire course with special attention paid to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention any other course that they have played, or currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, especially on a different course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate
if they find someone else playing what they considered their own private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternative means to play when this is the case.
It is considered the outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course hole several times in one match.
Responsible indoor golfers always use a golf bag.
Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner.
Wow Drake, that a month's worth. Funny stuff!!
You'd better get back to work pretty soon, you have too much free time on your hands. :laugh: :laugh:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down..
I saw a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
Velcro ? what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist.. He has fillings, too.
"Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden? POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!.... She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred ! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD , DON'T SWING!!!'
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange
to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle
of Pinot Grigio .
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel . After the required
ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton
in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful
daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna,
the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became
a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment
banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second
home in Naples , Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.
They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables.
Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small
apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that
she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live
in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.
The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down!'
Know Your State Motto
Alabama: Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!
Arizona: Yes, But Its A Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Literacy Aint Everythang.
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Dont Ski, Dont Bother.
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grand kids And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money).
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well, Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please, Dont Pronounce the S.
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free.
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn.
Kansas: First of The Rectangle states.
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.
Louisiana: Were Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: Were Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden s and Our Senators Are More Corrupt.
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes? And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes.
Mississippi: Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State.
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,& Honest Elections
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest.
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone.
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets.
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent & To an Attorney & No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable.
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least Were Not Michigan.
Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing.
Oregon: Spotted Owl? Its Whats For Dinner.
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal.
Rhode Island: Were Not REALLY An Island..
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didnt Actually Surrender yet!
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.
Texas: Se Hable Ingles.
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.
Vermont: Too liberal for the Kennedys.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?
Washington: Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family?Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming: Where Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared. Home of Brokeback Mountain.
The District of Columbia: The Work-Free, Drug Place.*
How to Give a Cat a Pill
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance.. never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid...
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem..
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
, a colon followed by half a parenthesis, or maybe :-) means a smile and
, a colon followed by half a parenthesis or :-( is a frown..
Well, someone came up with 'ASSICONS:'
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an XXXXXXX
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_z_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
A DC DRIVER IS STUCK IN A TRAFFIC JAM ON THE HIGHWAY. NOTHING IS MOVING.
SUDDENLY, A MAN KNOCKS ON THE window. THE DRIVER ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW AND ASKS,
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
A widowed farmer and a single woman get into an auto accident on an old country road, and it's a bad one. Both his truck & her car are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their vehicles, the woman says, "Wow, look at our automobiles,there's nothing left!! But you and I are, fortunately & amazingly, unharmed!! This must be a sign from God that we should meet and spend the rest of our lives together."
The farmer replied, "I agree with ya' completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, yet this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands him the bottle.
The farmer nods his head, opens the bottle, hands it back to her and says, "You do the honors". The woman takes the bottle, chugs half of it, and hands it back to the farmer.
Then the woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The farmer replied, "No Ma'am, I believe I'll just wait for the Sherrif to git here."
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Here's one for the older folks.
Hypnotist in a senior center....
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, " I'm here to put you into a trance. I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful,
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch.. It's been in my family for six generations." He began
to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off of its polished surface..
Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into
pieces.
*
*
*
"sxxt!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
*
*
*
*
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center !!
Claude was never invited back.
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says SEX FROGS Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1.. Take a shower.
2.. Splash on some nice perfume.
3.. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4.. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions ... Please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The dman
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in western Ohio. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Ohio. We settle small disagreements like this with the Ohio Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Ohio three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old fart.. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old fart redneck, now it's my turn."
The old Ohio farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Politicians
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been
voting for boobs long enough.
~ Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII.
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance
speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you.
~Author Unknown
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us,
I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Texas Guinan
Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically,
by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
~Gore Vidal
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle
Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~Ronald Reagan
Politics: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"]
~Larry Hardiman
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.
~Doug Larson
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
~Author Unknown
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on
senators.
~Will Rogers
>One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow
> hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine
> sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
> it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a
> doctor."
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
> began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
>
> his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
> dollars, pours in
> his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
> better. Thank you for shopping at Costco!
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.
Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!
Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."
"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.
"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.
"Cake? What do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.... Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
How I learned to mind my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting,
"13...13...13."
The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick,
then they all started shouting, "14...14...14."
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
So, I rear-ended a car this morning. There we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn
"I just spewed my Gevalia all over the screen!" =)) :surrender:
From court transcripts:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
Courtesy of our good friend Tom Reed
From a teacher -- short and to the point.
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital (upper case) letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping
your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
The National Poetry Contest had come down to the
>> two semifinalists--- a Yale graduate and a Redneck.
>>
>> The judges gave them a single word that was to be
>> used in a poem.
>> They were allowed two minutes to compose a poem
>> that contained the word that they were given.
>>
>> The word they were given was --- "Timbuktu".
>>
>> The two minutes of allowed time for them to
>> compose their poems had elapsed.
>> The judges motioned for them to step forward and
>> recite their poems.
>> First to recite his poem, was the Yale graduate.
>> He stepped to the microphone and recited:
>>
>> " Slowly across the desert sand,
>>
>> Trekked a lonely caravan.
>>
>> Men on camels, two by two,
>>
>> Destination -- Timbuktu"
>>
>>
>> The crowd went crazy! They were thinking that
>> there would be no way that the Redneck could top that.
>> Next to recite his poem, was the Redneck, he
>> calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
>>
>>
>> "Me and Tim a huntin' we went,
>>
>> Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
>>
>> They was three, and we was two,
>>
>> So, I bucked one, and Timbuktu"
>>
>>
>> The Redneck won, hands down !!
The Air Force found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher asked wee Jimmy, "Jimmy, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes Miss. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. When she was a pilot in the first Gulf War her plane got hi and she had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of the finest single malt Scotch, her pistol and a survival knife. Daddy said she drank the whisky on the way down, and just before her parachute landed her right in the middle of 11 Iraqi troops.
Well, she slashed the throat of 1 with the bottle, shot 6 of them with the pistol, killed 3 more with the knife until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mummy when she's been drinking."
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
I just met a woman with a clamshell tattooed on her thigh: when you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean....
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us "almost seniors" a little clearer!
Cashier says " I need to swipe your card, I said 'you're not stealing anything from me"
Different days, different vocabulary
Economic lesson for today...
Subject:
$7.00 Sex
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
I phoned up Babestation.
"And what an I do for you tonight, honey"
"Hide!!!", I replied.
"I can hear my wife opening the front door and I've lost the Remote!!!!"
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on she went, citing neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I play golf."
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
My girlfriend was ticked off about something, so I decided to get her something silky. Unfortunately, she didn't like the colour of the emulsion.
I returned home from work to find my wife gone and a notenailed o the door.
We have taken your wife.
We want
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 26 September 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!!
The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next s**t could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough
A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
Just going shopping...
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!" T he woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.
God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone that comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?" God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?" God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?" God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years." But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So, that's why, for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
I cringed at one part but the video in this story had me in tears, especially the line at the end of the clip where I'm not sure if something shot out of the truck or shot out of him.
http://autos.yahoo.com/blogs/motoramic/jeremy-clarkson-drives-smallest-worst-car-world-180013936.html (http://autos.yahoo.com/blogs/motoramic/jeremy-clarkson-drives-smallest-worst-car-world-180013936.html)
I think he needs a windshield wiper, and a no fog mitt for the inside.
While watching that, one thing in my mind. If my DW was driving behind him on the highway, she would stay behind him no matter how slow he was going. She just doesn't change lanes and will drive behind even the most idiotic of drivers.
Married four times
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband
Your Duck is Dead!!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged,
"I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
For our friends in Scotland
Marie
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his
own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman
and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe
slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor
kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few
minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment;
she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall
off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my
best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's
got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?
Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I
work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch
waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming... that was me.'
THE GOLF LESSON
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted
beach in Boca Raton, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand
near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up
a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed
reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off
her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted??
The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Funniest story Ive seen in a long while:
MVI_3406.AVI By Jimmy Ferris Spur Texas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzabmVIU6EQ#)
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Quote from: LennG on May 31, 2013, 07:58:03 PM
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman?
Maybe :happy:
I was thinking more like Rodney Dangerfield :laugh:
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some
are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Lin. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lin
to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually
get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's
not unusual for them to s it on the table for several hours after
dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and t hen wouldn't hurt her any -- if you
know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the
yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she
may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lin. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys,
even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
John
EDITOR'S NOTE:
John died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Lin, was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10
minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow
without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Shortest fairytale.
Once upon a time there was a man who asked a woman to marry him.
She said, "No" and he lived happily ever after.
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Lenn, an old retired sailor,
puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute
and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies,
'Well Lenn, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says,
'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
I have a hard time believing this, so I'm going to post it in the Joke thread. A member of our spyder forum from Australia posted a scanned image of a newspaper article about this.
A married couple drove to a shopping center on a hot day. On the way the engine started making an odd noise. The husband told his wife to go on in and shop while he futzed around with the car to see if he could fix it.
When she returned a small crowd was around the car. To her horror she could see two hairy legs sticking out from under the car, and the man's junk was hanging out of his short pants because he didn't have underwear on.
To save further embarrassment she got down and stuffed his reproductive organs back up into his shorts.
Her husband, who had been standing behnind her said, "What are you doing?"
The tow truck driver who had been under the car had to get a few stitches on his forehead.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen.
And finally.........
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it
Lance Armstrong Defense
Quote of the Day:
A young guy from MINNESOTA moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store
looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah.
I was a salesman back in MINNESOTA.
"Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said,
"Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........."
Black Bra (as told by Mrs. Goldstein)
I recently had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went......................
Engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then Mrs. Goldstein shared her story:
When Leonard came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said:
(You are going to love this.................. as only Len could say)
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old
asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to
cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6
year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I
guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair,
tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying
his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with
every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay
there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at
the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for
breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"
MIDDLE AGE TEXTING
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
Knock, knock -
Who's There?
Owen.
Owen, who?
Oh and 6.
NYUK NYUK NYUK NYUK..... :no:
1.Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theatre& Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
For all my grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was
rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and
then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "
1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
In the midst of a firey sermon, the preacher stopped and asked the congregation "Resurrection! Do you know what the Resurrection is?"
A small boy, 4 or 5 years old, stood up and said "I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours, you should call a doctor."
ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date!
The POINT?
'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH'
We had a power outage last week. My PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, and it was raining.
I couldn't golf, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
Every once in a while you receive an email that "warms your heart" and you
just can't wait to pass it along...
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It is opened
by a little ten year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of
whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the f$@k do you think?"
Only pet lovers will understand this.
We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted
back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver
that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-by to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I
hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!
She'd better not take a dump in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Dang autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Fun for this time of year
I thought this was funny.
HOUSTON - A vehicle involved in a traffic accident careened into a Houston-area Cadillac dealership and struck a row of Escalades, triggering a fire that destroyed six of the pricey SUVs.
The general manager of the dealership, Steven Hainline (hay-LINE'), says the loss of the SUVs amounts to about $700,000.
He says the episode began early Tuesday morning when two vehicles collided on the Interstate 45 frontage road just north of Houston. A Toyota Scion left the road, traveled through fencing and became wedged among three Escalades. The Scion then caught fire and the flames spread to the SUVs.
Authorities say the two motorists involved in the initial wreck suffered injuries not considered life-threatening.
Hainline says the fire made "for a really long day."
EDIT TO ADD: i WOULD HAVE PUT THIS IN ODD NEWS. BUT TO HAVE A $15K TOYOTA TAKE OUT $700k OF CADDIES IS TOO FUNNY!
Jewish woman gave birth to a baby boy. It was a difficult birth and she was given something to help her sleep. While she was out, the doctor came in and spoke with the father. "Sir, your little boy is healthy and normal except for one thing. He was born with no eyelids. Not to worry, though, we can do a skin graft from another part of his body and nobody will ever know the difference. He has to be circumcised anyway, so we are going to use some of the foreskin." The father agreed and the minor surgery went fine, but he decided not to tell his wife all the details. Back home a few days later, the bandages were removed and the father said, "See. I told you the doctor said it would be fine. I think he did a great job, don't you, honey?". The mother examined the boy, turning his head one way and then the other, and said, "I don't know. Looks a little cockeyed to me."
Funny...
Quote from: nygsem on May 30, 2014, 06:29:55 PM
Funny...
The symbolic crucifixion and end of the innocence.
.
Now THAT'S FUNNY! :P
Wow, nothing else I can say would do this picture justice.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'
Wasn't sure where else to put this. So.......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkZGg0qNdCc#t=61 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkZGg0qNdCc#t=61)
.
.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSH..........
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27geTochXsU&feature=youtu.be (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27geTochXsU&feature=youtu.be)
That's 2 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Coming from the man with an IFart App.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Ed Vette on September 03, 2014, 09:13:46 PM
That's 2 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Sorry. :P
On vacation, I just woke her up laughing out loud, guffaws ya know! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
What's wrong with this picture?
....or this one.
Step 1: Unscrew the Yellow Wire Nut.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye-deer
Q: How do you keep fish from smelling?
A; Cut off their noses!
Three legged dog walks into a bar and says" Im looking for the son of a bitch that shot my paw"!
Ever eat at Olive Garden lately?
https://www.youtube.com/embed/Yn0ey0vePwI (https://www.youtube.com/embed/Yn0ey0vePwI)
=))
=))
How do you make a handkerchief dance?
--Blow a little boogie into it...
Redfaced
A New Diagnostic Procedure
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was
retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds,
so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the
trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman?
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels
in the trash. That was probably what was making her sick."
The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll
try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman.
She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm
feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor
told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your
diagnosis is most certainly correct; she's very active in the church, but
how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I
bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed."
What did the painter say to the wall?
I'll meet ya at the corner!
HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR....I kill me!
Do you know why Billie Jean King retired from tennis?
She had licked them all!
another har har har har har har hahahahahahaha! Im too funny!
Late in the night he regained consciousness
:laugh:
32 hilarious kids' test answers.
http://justsomething.co/32-hilarious-kids-test-answers/ (http://justsomething.co/32-hilarious-kids-test-answers/)
This made the rounds on the internet a few years ago but it still brings me to tears.
The Emperor's Phone Call | Robot Chicken | Adult Swim (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F1d3QWsyk0#)
Courtesy of our friend Tom Reed
You've seen the commercials -
sent from a friend down south:
Yesterday, I passed a newly-opened car detailing business.
They call themselves "So-So Clean".
Who wants a car cleaning that is only "so-so"???
They should have called their business "So, So, Clean".
There once was a used car lot not far from me.
They required a minimum down payment of $500, but would accept higher sums.
Their sign read "$500 down and up".
Currently, there is a used car dealer here called "Sports & Imports".
They have no sportscars, although they did have a Corvette briefly.
Mostly, they sell Jeeps, Hummers, and domestic SUVs.
Thre are some brothers named May (like James May of Top Gear) here in Chattanooga.
They own & operate several automotive-related businesses in the area.
One of the businesses sells used/worn tires.
It is called "May Pop Tires".
I like that one!
What is the motto of a Jewish cannibal?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies Kosher...
=))
JEWS SANK THE TITANIC
?L?ighten up your day.
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a
mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I
don't like Chinese.. .'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence...
'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all frucking same!!'
.
Don't remember if I posted this before, way back when, but it's worth another look
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a n old Jewish man selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
"Sorry, I have none - just ties."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...
"They won't let me in without a tie.
An elderly couple go to their doctor to ask what they can do to improve their short term memory.
In a city neighborhood surrounding an old church lived a young man who had been born with no arms. Clever and gracious, the young man had many friends, but because of his handicap, little chance of obtaining employment, which made him very sad.
One day as he sat in church he heard the minister say that the church bell ringer was retiring and a replacement was needed. After the service, the young man approached the minister and inquired about the job opening. The minister looked at him kindly, but asked how he could possibly ring the bell. The young man asked the minister to accompany him to the top of the bell tower. Once there, he backed to the edge of the tower, ran forward, and smashed his head into the bell, which responded with a deep, ringing tone. After much conversation the minister agreed to give the young man a chance and so, at last, he found his calling and for many years afterward parishioners came to church to the sound of the young man's earnest efforts.
Until the fateful winter morning when the bell tower was coated in a slick glaze of ice. The no longer quite so young man made his usual running approach, but slipped at the last minute and slid off the edge of the tower and fell to the street below. As a crowd gathered round, a policeman rushed up and asked "Does anyone know this man?" After a moment, one of the bystanders replied " I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
<heavy groan>
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated. of all
things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
Breathtaking view of the Milky Way from the surface of Mars.
Good one, Steve! A Facebook moment, I must share.
This what we call, a groaner
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
********************
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
*************************
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..
************************
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
*************************
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .. (are you ready for the groaner part?)
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
An Arab was washed up on the shore of a
deserted island after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog
were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Arab.
Soon he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the Arab man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman the Arab man had ever seen without Burkha.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Arab started to get 'those feelings' and thanked Allah for bestowing the moment to satisfy his carnal desire. He cuddled up close to the young woman and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Not technically a joke but a very funny video. Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell in a skit from the old Dana Carvey show.
Waiters who are Nauseated by Food.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3K7Qc6vW5Q#t=82 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3K7Qc6vW5Q#t=82)
This is sort of an old one...Well to me it is, and it is also pretty long. I am sure some of you may have heard it:
A PRIEST AND HIS ASS
A priest wanted to make some extra money for his church and thought it would be a great idea to purchase a horse at an auction and race him at a local track. The priest went to the auction and realized he did not have enough money for a horse and decided to purchase a donkey and to still try and enter him in horse races.
A local news paper that covered the track heard about it and took thought it would make it a good story. In the first race the donkey came in 3rd, the headline the next day:
PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS
A few weeks later he won race and the headline was:
PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Cardinal heard about it and felt the church should not be involved in gambling and ordered the priest to stop entering the donkey in races. Next day's headline:
CARDINAL SCRATCHES PRIESTS ASS
This infuriated the cardinal who ordered the priest to just get rid of the animal. He gave it to a nun from the church. Headline next day:
NUN GETS PRIEST'S ASS
The Cardinal hit the roof when he saw that and told the nun he wanted it gone and not associated with the church in anyway. The nun sold it to a local farmer. Next day's headline:
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR $10
The cardinal saw that and got so angry he had a heart attack and died. Next day the headline read:
TOO MUCH ASS KILLS CARDINAL
Some words of wisdom from esteemed athletes of the past
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye.
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"
Silly Little Irish Girl
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"Whats wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well, didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty'" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf"
A leprechaun walks into an Irish pub. Two ememies, Doley and O'Hara were having a disagreemnent of some great physical magnitude, and the little green guy breaks it up.
"Thank ye' said Dooley, picking up the green guy and puts him on the bar. 'Let me get you a stout,I was getting weary"
"Dooley me boyo, I thank ye" said the leprechaun" I be a WISH leprachaun, and for the ale, I be given you three wishes, but I be giving double to your enemy O'Hara over there"
"Ok me little green friend, for me first wish I want a three room cottage right across the street from the pub"
Pow, a cute little cottage appears, and BAM a large mansion appears right next door, twice as large as the cottage.
Oh, DOOLEY" yells O'Hara "I take back everything bad I be sayin' about ya"
Dooley grits his teeth, and says "For me second wish, I want three of the most beautiful Lassies in all Ireland to be me handservants"
Pow, three gorgeous women appear at his feet, and ZAP six women appear with O'Hara, but they are twice as comely as Dooley's.
"O'Hara, me boy we be pals for life" yells Dooley.
Dooley squints, and mutters under his breath: "And for me last wish, I want me desire for women cut 50%"
I just heard that Lenn G. lost the big money on Wheel of Fortune for incorrectly identifying this phrase
_UCK _E
IN THE
A_ _
TONIGHT
Everyone knows the right answer is LUCK BE IN THE AIR TONIGHT.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard".
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this xxxx but me.
A guy walks into a bar, empty except for a beautiful young lady at one end. He goes down the the opposite end, and asks the bartender to set up a shot of bourbon in front of every empty seat between him and the lady. He proceeds to jump into the next chair, and downs the shot, next chair, next shot until the bartender stops and asks him just what did he think he was doing?
"I am going down to the she in sips"
Quote from: drakew on February 22, 2015, 05:19:14 PM
A guy walks into a bar, empty except for a beautiful young lady at one end. He goes down the the opposite end, and asks the bartender to set up a shot of bourbon in front of every empty seat between him and the lady. He proceeds to jump into the next chair, and downs the shot, next chair, next shot until the bartender stops and asks him just what did he think he was doing?
"I am going down to the she in sips"
:boooo: :boooo: :boooo: :boooo: :boooo: :boooo: :boooo: :boooo:
A father buys a
robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test
it out at dinner one night.
The father asks
his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I
did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps
the son.
The son says, "Ok,
Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What
movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy
Story."
The robot slaps
the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok,
we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At
your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps
the father.
Mom laughs and
says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps
the mother.
Robot for
sale.
Not really a joke, but funny nonetheless.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAfKZUn9sZ0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAfKZUn9sZ0)
.
[attachment deleted by admin]
The longer you watch, the better it gets (from BYU, BTW)
Like watching a slow motion accident! Even the fake British announcers are funny...
http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/11/soccer-goalie-penalty-shots-face (http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/11/soccer-goalie-penalty-shots-face) :laugh: :laugh:
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please.... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning.. you don't.
THE WILL
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
"My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.
"My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.
"The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? ... the a-hole has a paper route!"
Hmm...
Two 90-year-old women, Rose & Sally had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Sally visited her every day.
One day Sally said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives,
and we played all through High School.
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Sally from her deathbed and said, 'Sally, you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Sally was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light & a voice calling out to her,
'Sally, Sally.'
'Who is it?' asked Sally, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Sally -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Sally.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven.
Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play softball all we want, & we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Sally. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
' You're pitching Tuesday. '
Real?
Lol
Lol
Funnient banned commercials
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNf0-zod6_Y (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNf0-zod6_Y)
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homosexual.'
Laws not taught in our physics class !
1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Just got this one in my email today...
No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing the course when she suffered a bee sting. As the pain was so intense, she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said "you're back early, what's wrong?" "I got stung by a bee" the young lass responded. "Where?" queried the pro, "Between the first and second hole " answered the girl. The pro thought a minute, and said "your stance is much too wide"
FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS:
TSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results
December Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls at all.
what we call, a groaner
Alabama Hillbilly Striptease?
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,
followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,
and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
:crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy:
Ya know why fireworks are banned now from Giant Stadium?
So JPP won't have PTSD....
[groan]
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list
Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he
realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that
could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know
that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange
juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . .
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
It is said there are three stages of marital sex;
Tri-Weekly
Try Weekly
Try Weakly
Anthony played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student.
At graduation, he didn't have enough credits.
But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Anthony could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place.
It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said: "Anthony, if you can answer this one question correctly I'll give you your diploma."
"Anthony, how much is three times seven?"
Anthony looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, pondering the question.
The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then Anthony held up his hand and the auditorium became silent.
He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and then all the other students began to chant:
"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
A man walks into a bar sits down and notices at the other end of the bar is a man about a foot tall playing a piano. As the bartender is taking his order he asks, "Hey! Where'd you find that little guy playing the piano?" The bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a lamp and states, "I just gave this thing a rub!"
The man snatches it out of his hand and starts rubbing the lamp. All of a sudden a genie pops up. The genie looks at the man and says, "I grant you one wish!" The man thinks for a minute and says, "I know! I would love a million bucks!" *POOF* The genie dissapears and the bar is filled with a million ducks. Looking at the bartender the man says,"What the hell is this!? I asked for a million bucks NOT a million ducks!!!"
The bartender says, "Did you actually think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!?"
Courtesy of Tom reed (Giantfan67)
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this
I think Giants Fans at this point can use a few laughs.
How many Running Backs does it take for the Giants to hit the century mark?
Five, because four ain't getting it done.
Q: What's the difference between the New York Giants and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: How do you keep a New York Giant out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
"My wife was about to put my son in a New York Giants jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard."
"Giants Fan On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Giants fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Giants fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?' Because I'm not a Giants fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Giants fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Patriots fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you are a Patriots fan?' "Because my mom is a Patriots fan, and my dad is Patriots fan, so I'm a Patriots fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Patriots fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?' "Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Giants fan.'
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/nfljokes/newyorkgiantsjokes.html (http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/nfljokes/newyorkgiantsjokes.html)
When you marry an Italian
http://safeshare.tv/v/ss564899c87c19e (http://safeshare.tv/v/ss564899c87c19e)
LOL
Three couples showed up at a church and expressed an interest in joining. The Parish priest explained that he would be happy to have them but that a prerequisite would be that they'd have to abstain from sex for three months.
First couple looked at each other and said "Fine - we understand." Secnd couple replied "That shouldn't be a problem." Third couple paused and said "We''ll give it a try."
Couples came back after three months and the priest said "How did we do?" The first couple smiled and said "We sailed right through - seemed like three days not three months." Priest congratulated them on joining the church. The second couple replied "Well, have to admit we were tempted a time or two but we hung in there and made it." Priest congratulated them as well. The priest then turned to the third couple and the husband explained "Well, father it was tough. We were going along OK for a while there but two and a half months in I had a moment of weakness - my wife bent over to pick up a can of beans and I lost control."
The priest sadly said "Well I'm sorry but you'll not be permtted to join our parish." The husband replied "That's alright. We're not allowed in the supermarket anymore either."
JJM
A Fishing Story
Q: Why did the Eagles fire Chip Kelly?
A: So they could play without a head coach and general manager, just like the Giants.
Quote from: bamagiantfan on December 30, 2015, 03:17:58 PM
Q: Why did the Eagles fire Chip Kelly?
A: So they could play without a head coach and general manager, just like the Giants.
ouch
Quote from: LennG on December 31, 2015, 03:53:14 PM
ouch
Don't shoot the messenger. I thought it was clever though less than accurate.
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were
married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile
about the next time you see a bottle of wine...
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in
Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on
the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car
and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod
of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit
of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently,
looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little
detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle
of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two...
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he
said: "Good trade ..!!!"
My father traveled a lot for his job and had some stories that were often very funny.
Once when he was flying home to Newark he boarded the plane and found himself sitting next to a very attractive young lady with an infant in her arms. As he told it to my mother; "The plane started to take off and the baby started crying. After several minutes the baby was screaming with tears rolling down his face. There seemed to be no consoling the child and everything they tried failed to calm the baby down. Finally, the young lady unbuttoned her shirt, pulled out one of her breasts from her bra and began nursing the child in full view."
"There's nothing wrong with that." my mother replied. "What did you do?"
My father replied, "I started crying too."
I nearly became a Doctor .
When I was young in the late 1960's, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into
the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Four friends, who hadn
Bob a young journalism graduate from the University of Arkansas had gone to work
for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest
story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew
of in his home state of Arkansas .
Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good
place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there.
The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.
Bob asked farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Dick replied,
This might be the case for most husbands.
(http://s24.postimg.org/b2b9qc6ud/hear.jpg)
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him
An older lady went to visit her son and daughter in law. No one answered the bell, but finding the door unlocked she entered to see the daughter in law lying on the couch completely naked. She was surrounded by candles and soft music was playing.
The older lady inquired, "What on earth are you doing?"
Her daughter in law replied, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home. This is my love suit, when ever I wear it, as soon as he sees me he ravages me and we make mad passionate love."
The older lady left and hurried home. She filled the living room with lit candles and put on soft music, she took off all her clothes and laid on the couch to wait for her husband.
The old man came in to find her laying there in the nude. He asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
She replied in a soft sexy voice, "This is my love suit."
He responded, "Well it needs ironing. What's for dinner?"
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public
office.
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to
heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
~Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
I'm a newbie and I've read several pages of jokes, but I haven't read all 39 pages, so maybe this one has already been told. The joke of Paddy McCoy reminded me of one. So here goes:
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick
Some new answers to the old question; Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Who knows? Why do chickens do anything they do!?
To prove to the possum that it can be done.
Because sitting in the middle of it seemed like a bad idea.
Crack.
I don
Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do You stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.'
The woman thought to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...' Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'
'Denise,' said the doctor. The new mother was somewhat relieved. 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, Perhaps I was wrong about my brother,' she thought....'I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, 'What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replied, 'Denephew.'
An Italian Joke. Disclaimer, I'm Italian...
Why Italians make bad medics.
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal
grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "Yo, I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay...
Now what?"
Is this a joke?
(https://s18.postimg.org/iymask0x5/alarmheroinsets-425.jpg)
One liners that made me laugh:
"My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she isn't exactly my girlfriend yet"
"My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM.
Can you believe that? 2:30 in the morning!
Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes"
"Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy"
"I was at an A.T.M. yesterday.
A little old lady asked if I would check her balance, so I gave her a shove.
She didn't have any"
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on July 09, 2017, 09:58:47 AM
One liners that made me laugh:
"My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she isn't exactly my girlfriend yet"
"My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM.
Can you believe that? 2:30 in the morning!
Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes"
"Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy"
"I was at an A.T.M. yesterday.
A little old lady asked if I would check her balance, so I gave her a shove.
She didn't have any"
Da-Da-Dum
I can just see Henny Youngman or Rodney Dangerfield saying those lines. :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok:
Quote from: LennG on July 09, 2017, 10:57:48 AM
Da-Da-Dum
I can just see Henny Youngman or Rodney Dangerfield saying those lines. :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok:
I was thinking Steven Wright as he is (was) the king of one liners at one time. I don't know if he's still around or not.
Bill: Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike
Dan: No kidding. I didn't even know you liked Mike let alone thought of him as your best friend. When did he become your best friend?
Bill: Yesterday
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/21151368_10155516550420295_8633060637011962887_n.jpg?oh=5528abb4fbe046d2a4afd5586e71fac2&oe=5A60C3E5)
East Rutherford, NJ (AP) -A seven-year old boy was at the center of a New Jersey courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York Giants, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
My son, Gareth, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Gareth discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.
Gareth was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22730596_1962853370706339_783386883676427647_n.jpg?oh=d6edbc194df5e40874b1333584ed03cd&oe=5A714A98)
????????????????????????????
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22885893_1686207254759289_7805315326722983219_n.jpg?oh=05fefbb35248fbfc7f13c69260e2da10&oe=5A765E0A)
Our local police yesterday arrested two kids. One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks.
They charged one, and let the other one off.
Little by having a discussion with her mommy in the morning...
Boy: Mom, why were you bouncing last night on daddy naked?
Mom: Son, your daddy has a big belly and tried pushing it back...
Sounds reasonable explanation, but not for the little boy...
Boy: It's no use mom, our neighbors wife keeps blowing it up during the day....
I wish it weren't true
(https://scontent.fewr1-3.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/24176640_992116817586685_105809237967613758_n.jpg?oh=3deb6032a8cbf07f63540fc8de2cb811&oe=5A99208D)
Lol
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/25550064_1002097183255315_8050650333080049653_n.jpg?oh=b72f0da2952758636ea4bd33d3276abe&oe=5AC69E56)
(https://scontent.fewr1-4.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26047042_1006573716140995_60503243111432707_n.jpg?oh=1a49562f997ca7007a4e507b944f3105&oe=5AB4AC89)
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26166922_1009506229181077_2338708602108464102_n.jpg?oh=0f23246e86eefbddf618802309fe589b&oe=5AF92B98)
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26167572_1974302495920693_5433284767409065469_n.jpg?oh=a6fe479adab1d2aedcefb9835d95f2a1&oe=5ABF361D)
Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender sez "Say, fellow, why the long face?"
Celine Deion walks into a bar.
Bartender sez "Say, fellow, why the long face?"
Descartes walks into a bar.
Bartender sez "Ya wanna beer?"
Descartes says, "I think not"
Descartes disappears,,,,
~X(
WEEZE walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: "Do you serve lawyers here?".
The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!"
WEEZE says, "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
(Sorry, an engineering joke)
.
(Sorry, as a lifelong musician...)
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to xxxx that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I already told you, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says,"HEY DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, WE WILL NEVER HAVE GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR ORANGE BEAK TO THE BAR!"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Got any grapes?"
An elderly Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of beer. The bartender asks, "why 3?" The man replies, "I'm drinking for myself and my 2 brothers, who live far away." He does this every day for several weeks. One day he comes in and orders only 2 pints. The bartender is concerned, and says, "I'm sorry for your loss." The man replies, "Nobody died." "Then why only 2 beers today?" asks the bartender. "Oh that. Well, you see, I quit drinkin'."
Watch out for the pun::::
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother.
A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"
This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, will he get a free beer? The bartender says alright. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley. Well, a man at the end of the bar said, "That's amazing, I'll give you $1,000 for the frogs." The man agreed and the guy took off with the frogs. The bartender said to him, "You're mad, you could have gotten heaps more for the frogs !!" The man said, "frogs are easy to come by but the hamster's a friggen ventriloquist."
For you Scots like me.....
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started wailing away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizzy Gillespie. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna f_ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
A nun walks into a bar, and a drunk suddenly staggers right up and punches her, knocking the nun out cold. As the bouncers drag the drunk away, the drunk shouts at the nun, "Not so tough NOW, are ya, Batman?!"
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.
"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."
"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.
The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.
"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.
Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.
He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.
The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
A rabbi, a priest, and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says "Is this some sort of joke?"
A man walks into a bar and yells "All lawyers are jerks!"
A guy at the end of the bar says "I object to that remark."
The bartender rolls his eyes and says "And I suppose you're a lawyer?"
The guy at the end of the bar says "No - I'm a jerk."
Quote from: drakew on January 06, 2018, 04:32:08 PM
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I already told you, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says,"HEY DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, WE WILL NEVER HAVE GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR ORANGE BEAK TO THE BAR!"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Got any grapes?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q
Sem yu are an awesome Binghamton Beast.
I am an Maine Endwell;kid
Great thread, thanx bud
REALLY OLD JOKE...
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"
One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."
The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me."
He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?"
The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."
The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."
The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again."
He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."
The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it."
He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.
The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.
The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills with a smile on his face, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100, you just LOST $100, why are you smiling??"
The drunk says, "you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time?
just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face."
,
A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him, a look at the steering wheel, and says "Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate response, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Quote from: drakew on January 06, 2018, 05:04:36 PM
Sem yu are an awesome Binghamton Beast.
I am an Maine Endwell;kid
Great thread, thanx bud
:ok:
Actually went to Union-Endicott, and I did date a girl from M-E when I was in high school.
Ran xcountry for Jennie F Snapp for 2 yrs, lived on Rivder Terrace just down from Pat's iced cream store, rode sleds down roundtop....
Drake, I went to JFS, Kindergarten through 9th.
Caught a bad case of poison ivy on Roundtop.
Probably ate my weight in Pat Mitchell's ice cream over the years. The best I've ever eaten, easily better than Ben and Jerry's.
Used to tube down the "Susquey" with my fishing pole and a six-pack.
Accidentally burned down 25 acres of the woods above West Corners in 1970.
Thanks for the memories.
Q: What cost 45 cents?
A: A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickleback
A blonde was sitting in the bar watching the late news. There was one other patron . On the news was a story of a man who was standing on the ledge of a 4 story building threatening to jump. The guy also watching says "I bet $50 you he'll jump", and the blonde says "ok I bet $50 you he won't ".
The man jumped, so the blonde pulls out her purse and says "here's your $50", and the guy said "no I can't accept it. I watched the early news and heard that he jumped".
Then the blonde replied "So did I but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
(https://s17.postimg.org/55ew6n0zz/8675309.jpg)
AND.... I can still quote "Invictus" by William Earnest Henley absolutely perfectly....thanx to my English teacher at JFS.
Quote from: drakew on January 07, 2018, 10:01:55 PM
AND.... I can still quote "Invictus" by William Earnest Henley absolutely perfectly....thanx to my English teacher at JFS.
Mr. Hines? I never had him, but a friend of mine did. I remember Mr. Miller (math teacher) used to be in on it too because he used to corner kids with the Invictus demand. Later in life I became friends with Mr. (Mike) Miller whose daughters and our daughter became good friends. He lost one of his girls in a tragic car accident.
To make it even worse, Hines was my crosscountry coach.....he nailed me in the furniture department of the Grand Way, behind the old McDonalds
The handsome man with the big blue tie walks into a bar and orders a Gevalia dark roast.
Why
because he just has too much free time on his hands.
Moral--Go back to work.
BLONDE IN
ALABAMA CHURCH
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,
*Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she
used to and he thought *
*she might need a hearing aid.*
*Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family
Doctor to discuss the problem. ;*
*The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the *
*Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.*
*'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40
feet away from her, and in a normal *
*conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and *
*so on until you get a response.' *
*That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he was In the den. He says to himself, *
*'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then
in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, *
*what's for dinner?' *
*No response. *
*So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30
feet from his wife and repeats, *
*'Peg, what's for dinner?' *
*Still no response. *
*Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20
feet from his Wife and asks, *
*'Honey, what's for dinner?'*
*Again he gets no response. *
*So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?'*
*Again there is no response.*
*So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' *
*'For God sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'*
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29101631_1868456169867729_195015343716958208_n.jpg?oh=1440a36a87f02360350a8bf2f81bbecd&oe=5B376282)
Father:
Bob picked up a hitchhiker last night. The hitchhiker seemed surprised that he would give a complete stranger a ride and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
Bob replied, "the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time would be astronomical"
A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot to numb him.
'No way. No needles. I hate needles.' says the patient.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
again objects.'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking
a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't,' says the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth.'
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the
smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
Kids are smart... ;)
A young New York City woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River. Just before she could throw herself from the bridge, a handsome young man stopped her.
>
> "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
>
> With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
>
> That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
>
> >From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
>
> Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
>
> "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
>
> "I see," the captain said.
>
> Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
>
> "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely, I can't look that old ?
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my school class some 40 years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man, with the deeply lined face, was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
You
(https://scontent.fewr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/43335419_2425762584108013_37635265111523328_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&oh=119a651dda4554ee1f003d4cffc09a68&oe=5C55A641)
(https://scontent.fewr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/43354646_10156866275464664_1465938643829915648_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&oh=31ce156916dbec8b32be6f8771af9759&oe=5C538E75)
Seniors and guns
Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a 9mm handgun for
home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip
down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she
was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me
a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more
often.
I went on a pleasure trip yesterday. I drove my mother in law to the airport.
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Jim and his wife Kay listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched Kay's arm gently, and whispered,
"Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Jim's life of celibacy...
(https://i.postimg.cc/hjYtyrx1/destiny.jpg)
An Irishman's first drink with his son!
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so xxxx-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
(https://i.imgur.com/Md31hqA.jpg)
A woman walks into a bar....
with a duck under her arm. Bartender says: " What are you doing with that pig?"
Woman says:" that is NOT a pig, that is a duck"
Bartender says "I was talking to the duck"
(drum roll)
What do you call a teacher that never passes gas in public?
A private tutor.
Dogs can
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/57183816_10219620571611884_8510167394226798592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_ht=scontent-lga3-1.xx&oh=e86737209892f12a0a58377b842f79d5&oe=5D49E0FE)
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69695887_1009667126076436_3115050977044987904_n.png?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQmGXpnjaJo_nly3gEAQjnVy4JgDoj0acKRh4EkBdBGxLWQLMc8Lb-brNZIF3plFBQ8&_nc_ht=scontent-lga3-1.xx&oh=78a82dc5b7b909659b779ba663e96f90&oe=5E046D6E)
(https://scontent.fewr1-6.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73309386_2852861578093845_4624618426948648960_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQkJvvNo7Qc4h33HoTCR8_noGDTUsw53ovONWCkRgV7yOp146J8wbj4VKZeXerhOnrU&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-6.fna&oh=4e04e9df832463273b7a225ff45bee75&oe=5E4D34A6)
(https://scontent.fphl2-4.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72772498_1078282952548186_8805309845931556864_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQlRQ5bDvjZVSr9UetceDmunHNfZj7PG89Kt4SzZ3xB-TzSsUEochl3j1L5kLNO6-B4&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-4.fna&oh=adea782e567f940fe8537ca6d5f5f527&oe=5E575608)
(https://i.imgur.com/6KDz9AK.jpg)
Got a text reply from someone the other day that said IDK. What
Quote from: eilasidogruoy on February 02, 2020, 03:51:01 PM
Got a text reply from someone the other day that said IDK. What
Quote from: T200 on February 03, 2020, 10:56:32 AM
Seems like civilians are trying to be like the military and creating acronyms for everything. IDK is an acronym for "I Don't Know"
To be fair, acronyms make sense when you are texting
Quote from: MightyGiants on February 03, 2020, 10:57:36 AM
To be fair, acronyms make sense when you are texting
For brevity's sake, I get it. I'm old school though... I spell everything out. I'm a Grammar Grump, but just not on JimV's level ;) ;)
QuoteFor brevity's sake, I get it. I'm old school though... I spell everything out. I'm a Grammar Grump
Me too. I even go to extremes. Some of my texts are like War and Peace. It probably would have been faster and easier to just call the person, but I so hate talking on the phone.
Quote from: Jim143 on February 04, 2020, 07:35:49 AM
Me too. I even go to extremes. Some of my texts are like War and Peace. It probably would have been faster and easier to just call the person, but I so hate talking on the phone.
Good thing text messages are free now! ;) ;)
I can relate to this
(https://i.postimg.cc/NfH5SQV5/good1.jpg)
and another
(https://i.postimg.cc/Z59N6kZP/sports.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/NftDMRTq/football-game.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/3xNwQGzh/toilet-paper.jpg)
Employee Notice
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much xxxx (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of xxxx they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough xxxx, please bring this to the attention of your manager, who has been trained to give you all the xxxx you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he's pretty much urinated all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head into his hands.
"Are you OK?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Near the tomb of King Tut-an-khamen, archeologists found the tomb of his ex-wife, Nothin'-in-khamen.
I tried to donate blood today. Never again. There were too many stupid questions. "Who's blood is it?", "Where did you get it?", "Why is it in a bucket?"
I was walking past a farm when I saw a sign that read, "Duck, eggs." I thought that was an unnecessary comma. Then it hit me.
"Do you have that new self-help book about small penises?" the man asked the librarian.
"I don't think it's in yet," the librarian answered.
"Yes," the man said. "That's the one."
I watched a documentary on marijuana last night. From now on, that's how I'm watching all documentaries.
I'm selling off all my old chiropractor magazines. I've got lots of back issues.
The inventor of velcro died. RIP.
My doctor prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
Someone has been stealing the wheels off police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now, we wait.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 o'clock in the morning. Can you believe that? Good thing I was still up, playing my drums.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian," is a fun thing to say whenever someone tries to hand you their baby.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries a photo of one of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
I make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
My wife saw a cockroach in the bathroom. She freaked out and started scrubbing and cleaning everything thoroughly. Tomorrow I
(https://i.postimg.cc/PrYSfwFN/anti-virus.jpg)
I'm sure given the current situation there's a lot of these floating around. Anyway...
Day 1
(https://i.postimg.cc/jjcqg12x/2020.jpg)
Why we need to drink more beer
One night at Cheers , a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Normy, it's like this .. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!
One of my favorite shows, and one of my favorite "Cliff-isms."
Quote from: Sem on April 28, 2020, 12:03:59 PM
One of my favorite shows, and one of my favorite "Cliff-isms."
And you have to read it, as you know Cliff would say it.
The National Origami championship is on this weekend. It
People laugh at mountains because they are hill areas
Does anyone have any raunchy jokes so terrible that you have to pick and choose who you
...gourd head.....
Quote from: eilasidogruoy on May 01, 2020, 01:41:25 PM
Does anyone have any raunchy jokes so terrible that you have to pick and choose who you
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on May 02, 2020, 09:47:27 AM
Not raunchy, but I have offended people with my jokes before. One of them got people cracked up while told, but in another setting, people (one woman to be exact) was deeply offended and said, "there is nothing funny about that."
Here tis:
Question: What does a hurricane in Florida, a tornado in Kansas, and a divorce in Kentucky have in common?
Answer: Someone's about to lose a trailer!
I can see (barely) why someone could be offended by that but that joke is Sesame Street compared to the 2 I've heard. I'm telling you when I say Raunchy I mean RAUNCHY. I want to post them just so you'd see what I'm talking about but I guarantee there will be blow back.
Quote from: eilasidogruoy on May 02, 2020, 03:01:35 PM
I can see (barely) why someone could be offended by that but that joke is Sesame Street compared to the 2 I've heard. I'm telling you when I say Raunchy I mean RAUNCHY. I want to post them just so you'd see what I'm talking about but I guarantee there will be blow back.
Just my own opinion, since it might really upset some people,. you would be wise NOT to post it. We aren't here to offend anyone and you have stated a couple of times it will do that.
Just a side note. Most know, I am a baseball umpire. My partner for over 10 years was a good friend of mine who was Black. We WERE good friends and we used to kid each other all the time. He had some good 'Jewish' humor (I am Jewish) and I had some good jokes about African Americans. We were friends and we both grew up in an era when we could kid each other. And we laughed all the time with our private humor. But, when others might have heard this and offered their own rendition of say some Jewish Humor, from someone I really didn't know, I never found that funny and I did find it insulting. Same for the other way around. My point is what is between two friends and their take on humor may not be for everyone.
Let it lie.
Thanks LennG and I made my mind up already that it's better to let it drop. It wouldn't be good and I'd regret it as soon as I clicked Post.
I agree with your sentiments regarding what's funny between friends may not be funny coming from someone less. Kinda like I can make fun of my brother but dont you dare make fun of my brother.
Quote from: eilasidogruoy on May 02, 2020, 08:18:16 PM
Thanks LennG and I made my mind up already that it's better to let it drop. It wouldn't be good and I'd regret it as soon as I clicked Post.
I agree with your sentiments regarding what's funny between friends may not be funny coming from someone less. Kinda like I can make fun of my brother but dont you dare make fun of my brother.
Exactly :yes: :yes: :yes: :yes: :yes:
Getting back on track with the original intent of this thread, let me share a couple more "offensive" (to some) jokes. Let me preface it with, I am blonde (or used to be, now it's pretty much bald and gray with some streaks of blonde left), my girlfriend is blonde, my ex-wife is blonde, my daughters are blonde, and 5 out of 7 of my grandchildren are blonde.
A young blonde hottie was sitting in the audience enjoying a show that was headlined by a well-known ventriloquist. After going through a few jokes, the ventriloquist started in with a couple of blonde jokes. The blonde hottie started getting really upset and couldn't take it anymore and decided to walk up to the stage and let her protest be known. She got on the stage and said, "I am deeply offended by your blonde jokes and I want you to stop right now". The ventriloquist was somewhat taken aback and replied, "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, it's just in good fun", to which the blonde replied, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to him" as she pointed to the dummy!
Okay, another perhaps offensive to some.
A 36 year old single school teacher stopped at the grocery store after school. She bought a quart of milk, small packages of fruits and vegetables as well as several single-serving types of food in containers. As she was checking out, a dirty, bedraggled old homeless man got in line behind her and watched her closely as she checked out. When she was done the man said to her, "yer single ain't ya". Smiling inside, the woman thought that he must have surmised that by looking at the items she bought and was pleased to see his mind at work. So she replied with a smile, "why yes I am...how could you tell?" The homeless man replied, "Cuz yer ugly"!
ouch!
Always love a good Blond joke
Blondes are not stupid convention
80,000 Blondes Meet For A 'Blondes Are Not Stupid' Convention in Met Life Stadium
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Confucius says, "Man who walks through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
Q: Why do husbands die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.
Q: Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
A: It's an evolutionary thing that allows them to get closer to the sink.
Yes, I'm married and I've told my wife those... while wearing a helmet and a cast iron pan covering the jewels =))
What does it mean when a woman is outside the kitchen?
Her chain is too long.
A drummer had triplets recently. All girls.
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
How do chocolate, Graham crackers and marshmallows communicate?
S'mores code
For Golfers
A woman comes storming into the pro shop demanding to speak to the Pro.
A longtime boyfriend and girlfriend planned an evening at the bfs house consisting of dinner, a movie, and uh.........
The bf had bought a bunk bed set and wanted to show it to his gf after the movie. The bf told the gf not to go into the bedroom until after the movie was over.
Right after the movie ended the gf hurried into the bedroom while the bf was cleaning up the living room.
When the bf entered the bedroom he wasn't aware the gf had not noticed the bunk bed set.
The gf was totally naked and excitedly said to the bf "I wanna be on top." The bf said "Ok I'll get the ladder". The gf replied, "Well you think a lot of yourself don't you."
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentioned: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo".
"Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But, it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he was about to deliver the coup de grace, the Greek pointed out with a note of finality:
"Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved...
Funny but true
Along the same lines...
(https://i.postimg.cc/ht66W1sm/100635340-2794196780705932-423369215722913792-n.jpg)
Some Virus humor -- we do need to laugh more these days
People keep asking
An assistant to Donald Trump told him she
had a fantastic dream last night. There was
a humongous parade down Pennsylvania
Avenue celebrating Trump.
MILLIONS lined the parade route, cheering
when the President went past. Bands were
playing; children were throwing confetti into
the air; there were balloons everywhere.
It was absolutely the BIGGEST
CELEBRATION
WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!! Trump was
very impressed and said, "That's really great!
By the way, how did I look in your dream?
Was my hair okay?"
His assistant said,
....... "I couldn't tell, the casket was CLOSED".
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering," said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Donald Trump?" asked Pinocchio.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don
(https://scontent.fewr1-5.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/106528675_1286654791711000_3659119749436744360_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQnasn6FUnmkE_hIQB8C1yH2ibmfzt0CZ_qGKCnRc8c5w90Hse5g0bf1Eye7FPAMeXI&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-5.fna&oh=4f4498ee081ee6d9fee0ba95e05935c2&oe=5F2B85B5)
O would say pretty true
To see this spoof (which I really like) you must do this: (1) press the "Quote" button (sometimes called "Insert Quote") as though you want to reply to my message with a copy of my post included; (2) you will now see the actual link for the Instagram containing the spoof; (3) copy the link into the search area of your browser and go to that link (4) you will now see the link. I don't know how to do it the easy way, but my instructions will work. Bob
https://www.instagram.com/p/CCq7adjHyFT/?igshid=11qq9vutscp5g
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus
closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"
"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
enjoy
(https://i.postimg.cc/x8n9hspw/555.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/C5hVmRzY/559.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Monica Lewinsky has a pretty good sense of humor.
0
This was a genuine ad from 1964, when WD-40 was first released
star trek
(https://i.postimg.cc/DZwbrnsD/556.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Heaven Or Hell
While walking down the street one day President Trump was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St... Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says Trump.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really ? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says Trump.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before Trump realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So, 24 hours passed with Trump joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns."Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
Trump reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers Trump. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened ?"
The Devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted !"
(https://i.postimg.cc/wMfzH5JV/52694965-2675272069179450-7294008569270108160-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on July 26, 2020, 12:25:10 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/DZwbrnsD/556.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
In this case, the electrician does not have OCD (which is a misnomer - a true obsessive compulsive person would never say "OCD". . .they couldn't. It would be "CDO") :)
But, back to this picture - being OCD, the blue wires are not together and the would drive me up a wall. Same with some of the yellow, but they don't stand out as much as the sole blue wire off to it's self.
(https://i.postimg.cc/c4k2zfbc/1596085853729.png)
Quote from: Sem on July 30, 2020, 09:05:30 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/c4k2zfbc/1596085853729.png)
I'm usually quick with these things but I had to read it a couple of times before it came back and hit me... ba dum bum! :ok:
(https://i.postimg.cc/Kjq5ttX8/funny-tattoo-flying-horse.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on August 02, 2020, 09:13:49 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/Kjq5ttX8/funny-tattoo-flying-horse.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
And that is why I never got one. My son, though, has a very impressive one.
It took a long time but Abbott and Costello got it right
Donald took a quick trip to Rome to show his concern for the Pope:
"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope
That
Trump supporter
Remember
remember
Heady advice
Thoughts to ponder on
Quote from: LennG on August 13, 2020, 04:02:13 PM
Thoughts to ponder on
For the eggs and batteries, I say it's psychological.
If the eggs were in a sturdier, more durable container, people would be less gentle with them. Having them in flimsy containers forces people to pay attention to how they handle them.
The batteries is more of a loss prevention/anti-theft mechanism. Most of our devices use AA or AAA batteries nowadays. They're small and undetectable in a pocket without the packaging.
We need to move the Blackened Chicken to the Recipe thread. That is dead on! :)
Quote from: Jim143 on August 13, 2020, 05:36:27 PM
We need to move the Blackened Chicken to the Recipe thread. That is dead on! :)
You got it Jim
Pretty intelligent
cute one
cute
Found another
Quote from: LennG on August 25, 2020, 01:14:49 PM
cute
Porky Pig at a Spelling Bee :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Another Blonde joke
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his wife."
That is hilarious Lenn - I about spilled my coffee =))
I have a friend who lives just outside Chernobyl in Ukraine.
He watched that drama and says he counted 9 historical inaccuracies on one hand! (https://i.postimg.cc/m2rxY1WY/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
A few quick ones....
Did you ever get to see Mt Rushmore before it was carved? I hear its beauty was unpresidented.
A man's wife decided to become a whiskey maker. He loved her still.
When my kleptomania starts acting up, I take something for it.
The police arrested a mafia hit man for killing someone in a rice field with a porcelain figurine.
It was the first known case of a knickknack paddy whack
I sang into a colander. Shouldn't have done that.
Strained my voice.
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.
The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this. Because?
A coo sticks.
Why did the girl take the toilet paper roll to the party?
She was a PARTY POOPER!
When do they review the table of elements?
Periodically
As I was driving by the prison yesterday I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused, I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, "well that
Some Pandemic Humor
The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...
cute, but probably true
We need more humor
Think about this one for a minute
more truisms
Quote from: LennG on September 03, 2020, 02:15:05 PM
more truisms
=)) no kidding...I wonder if life will ever be the same again :-??
more virus humor
kids say the darndest things
good one
Lucy says it all
really
more pandemic humor
(https://i.postimg.cc/nccj8FSh/NFC-East-Oct10-2020.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Paddy the irishman fell into a vat at the brewery where he worked an drowned. They sent mickey to tell his wife. I hate to tell this but Paddy fell into a vat at work and drowned today. Oh dear god i hope he didnt suffer. He said i dont think so they said he got out twice to pee.
More virus humor
Some election day humor
A priest was riding the early morning subway train. At one of the stops a disheveled man in a business suit got on. His tie was undone and coat unbuttoned with a bottle of whiskey hanging out of the pocket. He was unshaven and had lipstick on his collar. He sat down next to the priest and began reading his newspaper. A few minutes later he asked the priest how do you get arthritis? the priest let loose and said " Ill tell you how you get arthritis by staying up all nite drinking an chasing wild women. Thats how you get arthritis" The man replied " Ill be darned" About 5 minutes later the priest started feeling bad an put a hand on the mans shoulder and said "Im sorry son how long have you been suffering from arthritis? The man replied "Father i dont have arthritis but this here paper says the pope does"
When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sitting at home sending jokes via email.
A Newly ordained Priest takes a walk downtown to get to know the area. As he is in one of the not so nice sections, a woman approaches him saying, "Father, head 50 bucks". He continues on his way trying to figure out what she meant and comes across another woman scantily dressed, "Father, head 50 dollars".
He gets back to the Church and thinking about the unusual experiences asks a passing Nun, "Sister, what's head?"
She replies, "50 bucks, just like downtown".
funnies
(https://i.imgur.com/T3xwdFH.jpg)
A husband and wife go to the mall to Christmas shop. They soon get separated and she calls him on the cell phone. Where are you we have alot to do. Well do you remember that jewelry shop we were in when we first got married and you fell in love with that diamond necklace and i said i cant afford it but i will get it for you someday. She tears up and gets emotional. He says well im in the gun shop next door.
A few more quickies
Quote from: LennG on December 05, 2020, 11:36:16 AM
A few more quickies
I don't know how I'm alive because I don't have guts or balls! :ok:
a few more 'sayings'
Paddy had long heard the story of an amazing family tradition. He Had been told
that his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather all were able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
When Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!! Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!"
a few more for laughs
Holiday humor
THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY. BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS IN TRYING TO RESPOND TO ONLY ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.
Wife: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
Husband: YES
Wife : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
Husband: USUALLY ABOUT THREE.
Wife: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
Husband: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)
Wife: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
Husband: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.
Wife: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?
Husband: CORRECT!
Wife: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?
Husband: CORRECT!
Wife: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?
Husband: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
Wife: NO.
Husband: WHERE'S YOUR AIRPLANE?
good advice
Great message
Quote from: LennG on December 16, 2020, 07:08:21 PM
a few more for laughs
Len, that last pic looks like my brewery logo.
a few more funnies
Best Senior Joke EVER
som,e more funnies
And a few more to laugh at
And still some more very cute pix
One for the ages
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Great jokes, Lenn!
So we need MORE humor
(https://i.postimg.cc/8khRJfZR/50934632722-bc306111e3.jpg)
More
a few more funnies
good one
(https://i.postimg.cc/Y95qkL88/fried-chicken.png)
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
...... but all men...are men!
a few more funnies
Brilliant!
Look closely at the picture first and then read the story:
(https://i.postimg.cc/nrgvhtW7/post-162-0-94501700-1465468629.jpg)
This actually happened to an Englishman, travelling in France, who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stopped the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and consumed many single malt scotches there-after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed completely inebriated, far beyond tolerable standards for public safety.
The French Policeman asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side?
A skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little Irish guy says, 'What exactly did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."
If any of these have been here before, my apologies--still funny though
And a few more
Everyone can use a little
1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through.
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. HEROES
What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. PARADOX
Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring.
12. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife.
13. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does.
14. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official.
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man standing at a small, makeshift display rack, selling neckties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only five dollars."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only five dollars."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two kilometres, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace".
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie."
more funnies
MORE
Different generations
Is this a joke?
(https://i.postimg.cc/VL5CnH5b/1617342085984.png)
todays funnies
Quote from: LennG on April 03, 2021, 12:57:00 PM
todays funnies
I've had the dead/stupid one posted in my office for some time. One of my faves lol
Airplane humor
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
Later, the priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
todays funnies
The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter, and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
THE FIRST BLOND MAN JOKE
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
going
to jump off this building."
The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch."
A circus owner runs an add for a
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely... God asked him,
"What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you
discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision
you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle
of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you
love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
So Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And....the rest is history!
The old timers used to talk about a guy who owned a bar far out of town, years ago, who tried to start a whorehouse. According to the story, he couldn
Retirement
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
A few more 'funnies???"
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Some things to ponder on
Grandpas are special
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single XXXXXXX, piece of xxxx, horse's ass, motherfucker, socialist left-wing XXXXX, bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around, and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Funnies
some new funnies
Nowadays it's not a gynecologist on the other end of that screen... it's a bunch of $$$$$ signs.
still a few more
A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife,
Todays funnies
been a while but some new ones
more laughs
weekend funnies
MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.
Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
MONEY. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs . A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 5 of these items.
ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. .Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Mostly groaners, but what the heck here goes.
I had a nice conversation with some dolphins today and now we're friends. We just clicked.
Someone keeps anonymously sending me celery. I think I'm being stalked.
An archeologist threw a party after discovering the largest lower leg bone ever recorded. It was quite the shindig.
Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Back in my day, I could walk into a store with $20 in my pocket and walk out with a case of beer, 6 bottles of whiskey, 4 loaves of bread, and 2 gallons of milk. Can't do that today. Too many cameras.
I can't believe some people don't eat the crust. It's still food. So what if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon.
Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. It's a little fit bunny.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis, but without the racket.
The sweater I bought online keeps shocking me with static electricity. So I returned it for another one free of charge.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected prime minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
Patient: "I'm having trouble hearing lately."
Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms?"
Patient: "Homer is a fat, dumb guy and his wife, Marge, has big blue hair."
Remember the Sunday funnies?
A goodie
This is such a touching story, I thought you would enjoy it.
The Last Kiss
Back on April 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Baby... Whatcha doin'up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed..
Enjoy these
this guy was at the pearly gates and st. peter asked him if he had done any good deeds in his life. Well he said i did try to save a girl from getting raped. i was driving down the road an saw a biker gang accosting this poor girl. So i stopped and got out my car and walked up to the biggest biker there and ripped both his earrings out and kicked him in the groin. St peter was flabbergasted and said wow when did this happen and he said "about 20 minutes ago."
Monday morning funnies
Humor to think about
We need some laughs today
Getting Old
a few new ones
Twelve Commandments for Seniors
Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
"In Style" are the clothes that still fit.
You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
"On Time" is when you get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
Growing old should have taken longer.
Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
...And one more:
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
More 'oldies'
Old but still relevent
A New York attorney representing a very wealthy art collector called
and asked to speak to his client.
"Mr. Cohen I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so
let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that
she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
The collector replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.
It's been a while since we laughed together, so let's start now
A few more to help us thru this day
I thought these are really funny, and true
It snowed last night......
We received about 2 inches of snow yesterday and
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man.. women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Then accused of using a black face on the snowperson.
8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBS showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
Moral: There ain't no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes.
Words that are truly wise
A few more quotes that need to be thought about
Lenn, just so you know - I love your jokes. For some reason (security software on my PC) I can't hit "Like" because the button doesn't even show on my computer...otherwise, I'd have hit "Like" many times for your jokes.
Anyway, I'll try to find a few oldies to post:
(https://i.postimg.cc/Vk6WpNZT/12279221-10153760463599394-1929821591450606977-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8j2vrTSB)
(https://i.postimg.cc/43RntLc5/10325219-10152416073777027-9035652221402818300-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/sDB2Ld9m/14089024-164582727313507-3246866086273975592-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/x13qvGPV/manufactured-consent.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on December 24, 2021, 09:47:10 AM
Lenn, just so you know - I love your jokes. For some reason (security software on my PC) I can't hit "Like" because the button doesn't even show on my computer...otherwise, I'd have hit "Like" many times for your jokes.
Anyway, I'll try to find a few oldies to post:
(https://i.postimg.cc/Vk6WpNZT/12279221-10153760463599394-1929821591450606977-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8j2vrTSB)
(https://i.postimg.cc/43RntLc5/10325219-10152416073777027-9035652221402818300-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/sDB2Ld9m/14089024-164582727313507-3246866086273975592-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/x13qvGPV/manufactured-consent.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
I agree. I enjoy Lenny's jokes and have shared some of them on Facebook, always giving credit to my friend Len. Your first one brought back memories of my College Macro Economics Professor. He asked a question to the class and when someone raised their hand to answer, he asked him "How are you doing today Mr. .... and he replied "I'm doing good'. He then responded, "You don't don't do good, you do well!.
Thanks for the kind words. I get many of these thru emails but, each of us has our own definition of what's funny. So I just post the ones I feel as am, using and so-o-o true.
As I said we were on a cruise last week. They had one comedian who told this great joke, let me see if I can relate it here.
Thre men were out golfing, a Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer.
While they were playing the party just ahead of them seemed to be taking forever to play each hole. As time went on, the 3 men became more and more frustrated and at the 9th hole decided to approach the 4some right in front of them and see what was taking them so long for each hole. When they got to where the 4some was playing, they saw that the men were blind and all were ex firefighters.
Feeling a bit foolish now, the Priest said to the blind firefighters, "Thank you all so much for your gallant service and I will pray for you every night"
The Doctor then said " I know the best optimologist anywhere and I will call him to see if he can help any of you, at no charge"
The engineer stepped forward and said (Ready for this)
'Why don't you guys play at night?"
A few new ones (or maybe old ones depending on if you've seen them before)
Ponder these:
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters include a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp
no one would eat?
f Wile E.Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
couldn't he just buy dinner?
And finally, this has been asked for centuries and still no answer
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him,
is he still wrong?
(https://i.postimg.cc/sDwzCQBJ/BC4-F3073-AEAE-4036-8-A23-A3-EB2-E14-A069.jpg)
My thought for the New Year
True story. I highly doubt it
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.. you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, , you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become
an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You
told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride
to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would
never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is
a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Quote from: LennG on January 05, 2022, 03:02:36 PM
True story. I highly doubt it
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.. you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, , you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become
an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You
told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride
to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would
never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is
a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
=)) =)) =))
Sorry I can't laugh. It's been a rough week. My wife left me for a tractor salesman and I got a John Deere letter in the mail. (groan)
Then I took my car to a mechanic and asked him for a rough estimate. He punched me in the stomach and said $450.
Redneck Birth Control
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford any more kids. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3"
Quote from: LennG on January 07, 2022, 12:55:32 PM
Redneck Birth Control
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford any more kids. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3"
Count me in that column also. I hope I didn't offend anyone living in those states. :surrender: :surrender: :surrender:
Who was the comedian who made a living doing those redneck jokes?
Quote from: LennG on January 07, 2022, 04:31:21 PM
Count me in that column also. I hope I didn't offend anyone living in those states. :surrender: :surrender: :surrender:
Who was the comedian who made a living doing those redneck jokes?
Jeff Foxworthy - he has a net worth north of 100 million telling those corny jokes
Quote from: LennG on January 07, 2022, 04:31:21 PM
Count me in that column also. I hope I didn't offend anyone living in those states. :surrender: :surrender: :surrender:
Who was the comedian who made a living doing those redneck jokes?
Part of the country's problems today is we have forgotten how to laugh at each other without someone being offended.
Bill
Quote from: ps11yat14 on January 07, 2022, 05:30:13 PM
Part of the country's problems today is we have forgotten how to laugh at each other without someone being offended.
Bill
Good to see you again Bill, and your words are so true.
Quote from: ps11yat14 on January 07, 2022, 05:30:13 PM
Part of the country's problems today is we have forgotten how to laugh at each other without someone being offended.
Bill
It made me realize that laughing at these jokes and having conflicted feeling at the same time is just wrong. Thank for this.... :ok:
Quote from: ps11yat14 on January 07, 2022, 05:30:13 PM
Part of the country's problems today is we have forgotten how to laugh at each other without someone being offended.
Bill
So true. Comedians and comedy movies/tv series, etc., are handcuffed these days so we end up bored instead of having a good laugh. Imagine if "All in the Family" debuted this year - it would never be shown. Or some of the old SNL skits where offending people was the heart of their comedic sets (think back at some of the old Richard Pryor / Chevy Chase skits or "Jane, you ignorant slut"...LOL). Or one of the most obvious offensive movies, "Blazing Saddles" which would never ever be made in today's WOKE environment. Heck, I'll probably get a warning or expulsion for posting this:
(https://i.postimg.cc/kgm3zT8Q/Clipboard01.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
In today's world--Don Rickles--Who??????
We need a laugh today
A few more
Funnies for a cold day
Truisms
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on January 09, 2022, 10:19:01 AM
So true. Comedians and comedy movies/tv series, etc., are handcuffed these days so we end up bored instead of having a good laugh. Imagine if "All in the Family" debuted this year - it would never be shown. Or some of the old SNL skits where offending people was the heart of their comedic sets (think back at some of the old Richard Pryor / Chevy Chase skits or "Jane, you ignorant slut"...LOL). Or one of the most obvious offensive movies, "Blazing Saddles" which would never ever be made in today's WOKE environment. Heck, I'll probably get a warning or expulsion for posting this:
(https://i.postimg.cc/kgm3zT8Q/Clipboard01.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Consider this your warning :P :P :P
Easily one of my favorite movies of all time. I learned the nuance of quick-wit and double entendres from Mel Brooks.
Quote from: LennG on January 11, 2022, 12:07:49 PM
We need a laugh today
That "angel" was a photoshop fail =))
Let's see how dirty your minds are.. .
Roses are Red, Nuts are brown,
Skirts go up, Pants go Down,
Body to Body, Skin to Skin,
When it is Stiff, Stick it in,
The longer its in, the stronger it Gets,
It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet,
It comes out dripping, and it starts to Sag,
Its not what you think...
its a Teabag.
Still a few more--things to ponder about
I may have read this here or perhaps posted it before, but in case I didn
Hope this doesn't offend anyone. Most thought it was pretty funny
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God
Courtesy of our good buddy JimV
I already knew I was dumber than the fifth
graders...
But now it's the pre-schoolers!!
A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU.
Which Way is the bus below travelling?
(https://i.postimg.cc/LXQJsgPj/bus.jpg)
To the left or to the right?
Can't make up your mind?
Look carefully at the picture Again.
Still don't know?
Pre-schoolers all over the United States
were shown this picture and 92% of the pre-schoolers gave This answer.
"The bus is travelling to the left."
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is
travelling to The left?"
They answered:
"Because you can't see the door to get
On the bus."
How do you feel Now???
I've always wondered what my parents did in their spare time before the internet. I've asked all 19 of my brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
An older couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
T shirts that maybe you might wear
A few oldies.....
A man and a woman are on a first date.
"What do you do?" the woman asks.
"I race cars," the man answers.
"Do you win many races?" the woman asks.
"No," the man answers. "The cars are much faster."
I just discovered that the word NOTHING is a palindrome. Spelled backward, it is GNIHTON, which also means nothing.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxI was at a bar the other night when a waitress hollered very loudly, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I hollered back, "Heck, I know the entire alphabet!"
Everybody there laughed...
Except this one guy
I've been a limo driver for 25 years and haven't had a single customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I've just found out that I'm color blind. What a surprise ... it came right out of the purple.
Alexa technology has been ported over to automobiles. You just say "Car, accelerate" or "Car, turn left" and it follows your command.
But they're working on an even newer model that will respond to your thoughts. It goes without saying.
How long did Cain beat his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
I read a book about World War II that only had 4 pages. It was "Abridged Too Far."
The opening of the new Lego store was a huge success. People were lined up for blocks.
Teen: "I love Eminem."
Old man: "I prefer Skittles."
Teen: "I mean the rapper."
Old man: "Why would you eat the wrapper?"
Ophelia: "Hey, babe. Come over."
Hamlet: "I can't. I'm hiding a body."
Ophelia: "But my dad isn't home."
Hamlet: "I know."
Near the tomb of King Tut-an-khamen, archeologists found the tomb of his ex-wife, Nothin'-in-khamen.
I tried to donate blood today. Never again. There were too many stupid questions. "Who's blood is it?", "Where did you get it?", "Why is it in a bucket?"
I was walking past a farm when I saw a sign that read, "Duck, eggs." I thought that was an unnecessary comma. Then it hit me.
I watched a documentary on marijuana last night. From now on, that's how I'm watching all documentaries.
I'm selling off all my old chiropractor magazines. I've got lots of back issues.
The inventor of velcro died. RIP.
My doctor prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
Someone has been stealing the wheels off police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now, we wait.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 o'clock in the morning. Can you believe that? Good thing I was still up, playing my drums.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian," is a fun thing to say whenever someone tries to hand you their baby.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries a photo of one of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
I make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal in minute detail while the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why would you be so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What's your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Service Department; "Do we have a client named John H. Smith?
"Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, " he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting to tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could all learn something from your life's experience."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
Mr. Smith began his story. "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.
Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.
A few years ago, when the very up-market shoe shiner on the main corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great superior location, which I promptly did.
And then, finally, a year ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked
back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and
found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved, I love you,
Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the
money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, we've got to give it back. Sally said,
so true
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220203/cf3b450d5c1dbcd267dae194f2e0c660.jpg)
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An ad we will never see again.
You guys are cracking me up =))
Ed's joke reminds me of a guy who was stranded on an island in the Pacific and stumbled across a genie and got one wish. "All I really want is....."
When he was finally rescued, he returned home with a tiny head on his shoulders. I'll let you guys fill in the blanks...LOL
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on February 04, 2022, 11:54:51 AM
You guys are cracking me up =))
Ed's joke reminds me of a guy who was stranded on an island in the Pacific and stumbled across a genie and got one wish. "All I really want is....."
When he was finally rescued, he returned home with a tiny head on his shoulders. I'll let you guys fill in the blanks...LOL
That's actually a spin off on that old joke. He had one wish and wanted to make love to the beautiful Genie but she said it was against the fraternization rules. So he then asked, How about...?
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on February 04, 2022, 11:54:51 AM
You guys are cracking me up =))
Ed's joke reminds me of a guy who was stranded on an island in the Pacific and stumbled across a genie and got one wish. "All I really want is....."
When he was finally rescued, he returned home with a tiny head on his shoulders. I'll let you guys fill in the blanks...LOL
I guess yesterday was my slow day because I totally didn't get it...
"Make my head smaller." :-?? ~X(
I'm on board now =))
Regarding the "I Dream of Barbara Eden" graphic... I always admired people who come up with stuff like that; it's a great joke... I admire comedy writers and bet it would be a hoot to be in the room while they work. Bob
Quote from: Bob In PA on February 04, 2022, 12:25:10 PM
Regarding the "I Dream of Barbara Eden" graphic... I always admired people who come up with stuff like that; it's a great joke... I admire comedy writers and bet it would be a hoot to be in the room while they work. Bob
I was stuck in Chicago for a week one day (https://i.postimg.cc/KvwwYVxf/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Anyway, I stayed at a hotel on Michigan Ave and needed a haircut. The lady at the front desk said, "we have a barber downstairs you can use". Anyway, I went downstairs to this hole in the wall barber shop. The walls were adorned with signed pictures from JFK, Humphrey Bogart, to you name it. Apparently, the barber shop was for celebrities who wanted privacy. As I admired the dozens of pictures of famous people I asked the barber who was his favorite. He said, "that's easy - Dom DeLuise" I replied, "oh really, how come?" He said he was the funniest man he ever met in his life and the entire time he was in there everyone was laughing so hard they almost fell out of their chairs. Great comedian. I miss the old style comedians :(
Jonathan Winters was also a funny guy. Most people don't know how he got started, but he was the television voice of two beer steins named Schultz and Dooley
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqXLFWIuLNE
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on February 04, 2022, 12:41:44 PM
Jonathan Winters was also a funny guy. Most people don't know how he got started, but he was the television voice of two beer steins named Schultz and Dooley
Jolly: I did not know that; I also play the piano (from age four - against my better judgment I got a degree); we have many erstwhile musicians here; maybe we should have a musicians thread on the Front Porch. Bob
You know, I like Johnathon Winters, but after a while, his 'comedy' kind of became annoying to me. Truly a great comedian and a , master at his craft, but we each know what makes us laugh, and Winters does for a while and then I need to find something else.
Quote from: LennG on February 04, 2022, 02:23:56 PM
You know, I like Johnathon Winters, but after a while, his 'comedy' kind of became annoying to me. Truly a great comedian and a , master at his craft, but we each know what makes us laugh, and Winters does for a while and then I need to find something else.
Len: I agree. I remember Johnny Carson being completely unable to contain himself when Winters was on, but I never "got it." Maybe you had to know Winters personally (and off-camera) to really "get" him? Bob
I'll join your club fellas. Jonathan Winters was funny to me in small doses. Too much screen time and I found him to get kind of annoying.
I know Robin Williams looked up to him and considered him a hero, and I put him in the same class as Winters.
Those guys had brilliant minds that never shut off, but to me that was their problem. Always coming at you over the top and at 100 MPH.
Quote from: ozzie on February 04, 2022, 05:29:31 PM
I'll join your club fellas. Jonathan Winters was funny to me in small doses. Too much screen time and I found him to get kind of annoying.
I know Robin Williams looked up to him and considered him a hero, and I put him in the same class as Winters.
Those guys had brilliant minds that never shut off, but to me that was their problem. Always coming at you over the top and at 100 MPH.
Very well put Lou. You expressed my thoughts exactly.
I was never a big fan of Winters myself - a little to over the top with exaggerated facial expressions and weird voices. Just found it interesting that he got his start as the voice of Shultz and Dooley which I remember well as a little kid in front of a black and white (closer to brown and white) 36" console TV with a 12" tube. He had his moments I guess, but I never recall laughing as I watched him as a kid
When I say I miss some of the old style comedians, I mean like Jackie Gleason, or not so old like Leslie Nielsen, Eddie Murphy, Chevy Chase (for which I'll get roasted), John Candy, Chris Farley....(I'm old, but not so old that I remember comedians from the 50's)
There are some comedians I just don't like and atop the list is Will Ferrell. Again, he's had some moments (like in "Old School"), but for the most part, if I see his name in the credits I skip the flick. Dittos with Adam Sandler. Never found John Belushi funny even though a lot of people did.
Movies that I'll watch simply because there is an actor who makes me laugh is Ben Stiller (and his dad of course), Melissa McCarthy, Vince Vaugn, etc.
Since I have kinda sabotaged this page, I'll try to get it back on track with a joke
Last one I heard:
"Why is everyone in NYC so miserable?"
"Because the light at the end of tunnel is New Jersey" (https://i.postimg.cc/vTvxLBbt/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Most comedians are funny and entertaining in moderation. I like comedy teams and the one that
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220205/937ac990a9567c9c8dbb9a16f433c5ca.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220205/41e30313c27e4d0f4957be2ac26e0362.jpg)
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Back to humor
And a few more for good measure (for us older generation guys)
(https://i.redd.it/1glezfkft5g81.jpg)
Quote from: Ed Vette on February 05, 2022, 09:32:44 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220205/937ac990a9567c9c8dbb9a16f433c5ca.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220205/41e30313c27e4d0f4957be2ac26e0362.jpg)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I think my favorite line from the Honeymooners was when Ralph asked "Hey Norton, have you ever seen a picture of me when I weighed 180 pounds?"
To which Norton replied "No Ralph, I never did see none of your baby pictures!" =))
Quote from: ozzie on February 06, 2022, 05:51:43 PM
I think my favorite line from the Honeymooners was when Ralph asked "Hey Norton, have you ever seen a picture of me when I weighed 180 pounds?"
To which Norton replied "No Ralph, I never did see none of your baby pictures!" =))
If you
My favorite:
Ralph and Norton hatch a scheme to make some money. They decide to get people to watch them as "mind readers". Norton would sit on stage and be the Swami while Ralph would go through the crowd and pick an item to see if the blindfolded Norton could guess what was in his hand.
Ralph asks a lady if she could borrow her ring and she complied.
Ralph then says, "Swami oh great Swami...you will RINGGG the bell on this one" (with a drawn out and louder use of the word RING)
Norton replies with a stoic face as though it's easy for him: "it is a bell"
Ralph says, "No Swami...you will RRIINNNGG, you will RIINNGG the bell on this one"
Norton replies: "it is a bathtub"
Ralph blows his top of course. Just a ridiculous and funny scene that I never forgot even though it was probably 60 years ago that I saw it. Even though I was only 8 or 9, I laughed so hard that I couldn't stop. Just hit me right. I'd love to find a YouTube of that scene
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on February 06, 2022, 07:04:04 PM
My favorite:
Ralph and Norton hatch a scheme to make some money. They decide to get people to watch them as "mind readers". Norton would sit on stage and be the Swami while Ralph would go through the crowd and pick an item to see if the blindfolded Norton could guess what was in his hand.
Ralph asks a lady if she could borrow her ring and she complied.
Ralph then says, "Swami oh great Swami...you will RINGGG the bell on this one" (with a drawn out and louder use of the word RING)
Norton replies with a stoic face as though it's easy for him: "it is a bell"
Ralph says, "No Swami...you will RRIINNNGG, you will RIINNGG the bell on this one"
Norton replies: "it is a bathtub"
Ralph blows his top of course. Just a ridiculous and funny scene that I never forgot even though it was probably 60 years ago that I saw it. Even though I was only 8 or 9, I laughed so hard that I couldn't stop. Just hit me right. I'd love to find a YouTube of that scene
I can
Do you think the guy who coined the term "one hit wonder" ever came up with any other popular phrases?
Since you are talking Honeymooners, I'll give you the ultimate trivia question on it, and without googling it, answer this
Ed Norton has a middle name. It was mentioned ONCE, in, I believe the second show.
If you google it you will get it, but does anyone know?
Getting back to humor
This is an old joke, obviously pre-COVID, but it has an amusing punch line.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant
Quote from: LennG on February 07, 2022, 12:07:25 PM
Since you are talking Honeymooners, I'll give you the ultimate trivia question on it, and without googling it, answer this
Ed Norton has a middle name. It was mentioned ONCE, in, I believe the second show.
If you google it you will get it, but does anyone know?
That
You just gotta love these
We are off again, for another week, so I don't know if I'll have much to put up but here are a few really good ones to tide you over
Quote from: LennG on February 10, 2022, 06:41:26 PM
We are off again, for another week, so I don't know if I'll have much to put up but here are a few really good ones to tide you over
Love the last one... =)) =)) =))
I was reading through some Walther Matthau quotes:
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more."
"I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it."
:D :laugh: =))
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FL4ewP5XIAgenZT?format=jpg&name=large)
a few new ones
New day a few more cartoons that sort of say a lot
I remember those cap guns like it was yesterday. I went through dozens (if not hundreds) of cap rolls. They have to be an antique by now and I can't imagine any store carrying them in the last 40 years or so. They were fun!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on February 21, 2022, 12:45:36 PM
I remember those cap guns like it was yesterday. I went through dozens (if not hundreds) of cap rolls. They have to be an antique by now and I can't imagine any store carrying them in the last 40 years or so. They were fun!
I was coming to post the same thing. I loved those cap guns and had hours of fun with them!
And yes, I could smell that photo. What a distinct smell those burnt caps produced.
I remember as a kid my friend and I once put two or three rolls of caps on the sidewalk and dropped a large flat rock on them. The blast was deafening, and caused an old man to come out of his house bitching at us.
That was the great thing about caps. You didn't need the gun to have fun with them or to make them work!
We must have popped off hundreds of them with rocks too. But usually just one at a time.
I knew that would get a few comments. We are showing our age, but who cares.
Ah, that smell. Close your eyes and take a whiff-full of memories.
Bill was running late for a very important meeting. When he pulled into the parking lot he could find no parking space. Becoming a nervous wreck now, he decided to pray. "Dear Lord, this meeting is very important to me. If you give me a place to park my car I promise to stop drinking and chasing women, and I will go to church every Sunday". At that very moment, a car pulled out right in front of the main entrance making a parking spot available. Bill said, "never mind, I found one. Amen"! (https://i.postimg.cc/kGrqqct6/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
I preface my jokes with a sincere apology to our beloved resident lawyer, Bob. He has a good sense of humor and has probably heard these so I'm pretty sure he won't be offended ;)
A man went to a lawyer. He asked, "what's your fee?" The lawyer replied, "$100 for three questions," "Geesh, isn
Retirement in Arizona vs. Florida
four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price . . ."
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says
A savvy businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The businessman complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The businessman then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The businessman then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, se
Today's funnies
Some thing that are wise to live by
The Russian Way
Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?
A few chuckles
A few about gas
A balding, elderly white haired man from Sherman Oaks, California walked into a jewelry store in a local mall on a Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a very special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $6,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something even more special...money is no object"
At that statement, the jeweler hiding a smile went back to his special stock and brought another ring to show the man and his girl friend.
"Here's a stunning ring reduced to only $50,000...it's worth much more" the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man said, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and then I'll be back to pick up the ring that afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."
"Yeah, I know", said the old man, "but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
A proud father took his young daughter to work on "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day"
As they walked around the building and was telling her about the business, she started to cry
His fellow employees gathered around wondering why the girl was crying
She finally got ahold of herself enough to explain... "where are all the clowns you said you work with? I wanted to see clowns"
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Teacher addresses a student and asks:
This is my once a year (pre-Easter) posting that I used to use when I was on Facebook - which I use about once a month now just to see pictures of my grandkids and great grandson...anyhooooo
(https://i.postimg.cc/tTM7RSg7/57303967-10216833473502037-5543613803339448320-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
It's been a while but here are a few relevant funnies
Quote from: LennG on April 02, 2022, 02:03:53 PM
It's been a while but here are a few relevant funnies
All good ones but the third one had me in stitches!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Funny
https://youtu.be/dURP5JBytHg
Tenjooberrymuds
I promised myself that I will learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem. Yep, by the time you read this, you too will be able to understand the 1st line.
In order to continue getting-by in Canada (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language!
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old Canada today.......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I 'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... Don 't think so."
Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don 't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
Room Service: "Toes! Toes!... Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I 've got it! You were saying 'toast '... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say.."
Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS ' ".......and you do, don't you!
https://fb.watch/cjQmXTOdkK/
I hope everyone can view this video. Pretty clever. Bonus: there's a NY Giant in one of the clips he does.
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A few more funnies
That last one made me laugh like crazy. Great name for a used chair store =))
Time for some new ones (or, I hope then are new)
Never too many blonde jokes (note, I'm blonde - well used to be, two of my children are blonde, my granddaughters are blonde, my mother is blonde, and my girlfriend is blonde...but what the hey
A ventriloquist was making blonde jokes along with his dummy. A stunning blonde was seething and stormed onto the stage.
She said with anger, "I've had enough of this crap...it so happens that blondes are very smart"
The ventriloquist replied, "I'm so sorry...these are just jokes and should not be taken seriously. I'm sorry you were offended"
She replied angrier than ever, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to him (pointing to the dummy)" (https://i.postimg.cc/VNt32qTp/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
A blonde asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?"
"Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
The blonde said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
A blonde calls an airline and asks, "How long are your flights from America to the U.K.?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute
good one
Some 'serious' funnies
Hope I don't get banned for this :o
A family went to a nudist camp for vacation
A young boy came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
Let's laugh today
Those are hilarious Lenn =))
Gas jokes
Senior Humor
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
I
Quote from: LennG on May 02, 2022, 07:40:29 PM
Senior Humor
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
I
You know I had that same exact thought and was going to highlight it so it would stand out above the rest.
You did it instead. =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
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A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher
(https://i.postimg.cc/02ydfV8z/0-01.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answer given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
(https://i.postimg.cc/zfFrqz42/dfd3aedf9043d58f878199b71de71078.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer was quite taken aback and requested collateral.
"Well, then, here's a clean title and the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal and $15.40 in interest."
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a very rich millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow such a small amount of money?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
I've been away but have been amassing a few funnies
I got distracted reading that last one and had to go back and reread it a few more times...LMAO
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on May 16, 2022, 12:28:41 PM
I got distracted reading that last one and had to go back and reread it a few more times...LMAO
Now THAT is funny. =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
2. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
A few to really ponder about
Food for really 'deep' thought
Good ones Lenn
(https://i.postimg.cc/h4w5mp1P/image044.png) (https://postimages.org/)
I read this twice and said to myself, "that isn't funny". Third time I read it I laughed, not only because it's funny, but because I'm soooo slow sometimes :doh:
Forgive me if I posted this sometime in the past...I can't remember if I did or not and don't feel like going through 65 pages of past jokes. It's still worth it even if I posted it a few years ago
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, 'Well ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.'
The woman thought to herself, 'Oh suffering Jehosaphat, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...'
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'
'Denise,' said the doctor. The new mother was greatly relieved. 'Whew.....Wow, that's a beautiful name, Perhaps I was wrong about my brother,' she thought....'I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, 'So what's my boy's name?'
The doctor replied, 'Denephew.'
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on May 27, 2022, 12:21:04 PM
Good ones Lenn
(https://i.postimg.cc/h4w5mp1P/image044.png) (https://postimages.org/)
I read this twice and said to myself, "that isn't funny". Third time I read it I laughed, not only because it's funny, but because I'm soooo slow sometimes :doh:
Ha, I said it was food for DEEP thought. I sort of did the same thing with the camouflage one.
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on May 27, 2022, 01:35:33 PM
Forgive me if I posted this sometime in the past...I can't remember if I did or not and don't feel like going through 65 pages of past jokes. It's still worth it even if I posted it a few years ago
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, 'Well ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.'
The woman thought to herself, 'Oh suffering Jehosaphat, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...'
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'
'Denise,' said the doctor. The new mother was greatly relieved. 'Whew.....Wow, that's a beautiful name, Perhaps I was wrong about my brother,' she thought....'I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, 'So what's my boy's name?'
The doctor replied, 'Denephew.'
I do remember this one and it is good to laugh at it all over again. Thanks
Today's Reality
Maybe not so funny but in reality.................
Little old lady goes to the doctor
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on May 31, 2022, 03:58:48 PM
Little old lady goes to the doctor
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn
(https://i.postimg.cc/6QdvTkrP/282065932-139719201971394-5634303575171069556-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Ty3w4HHj)
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls
Funnies
Good stuff on today's opinion of reading. Several things I've read about in the past that stick out to me
1 - there is nothing you can learn in college that you can't learn by reading a book from the library
2 - you want to expand your mind, your vocabulary, you sense of well-being: read a book
3 - no movie has ever been as good as the book from which it was taken
4 - if you want to bore someone to tears, tell them in detail about the book you are reading :yes:
One of my many faults, is coming home with a few new books and realizing I already read one and have one of them. Happens all the time. I'm getting senile I think
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on June 03, 2022, 12:21:43 PM
Good stuff on today's opinion of reading. Several things I've read about in the past that stick out to me
1 - there is nothing you can learn in college that you can't learn by reading a book from the library
2 - you want to expand your mind, your vocabulary, you sense of well-being: read a book
3 - no movie has ever been as good as the book from which it was taken
4 - if you want to bore someone to tears, tell them in detail about the book you are reading :yes:
One of my many faults, is coming home with a few new books and realizing I already read one and have one of them. Happens all the time. I'm getting senile I think
Ric
#3 is mostly true, but many years ago, I read Jaws by Peter Benchley and it doesn't even compare to the movie for sheer terror, excitement and so many other things. This time the movie was 1,000 X better.
Remember the Sunday funnies
Quote from: LennG on June 05, 2022, 12:39:24 PM
Ric
#3 is mostly true, but many years ago, I read Jaws by Peter Benchley and it doesn't even compare to the movie for sheer terror, excitement and so many other things. This time the movie was 1,000 X better.
Funny, but I've never seen "Jaws" nor have I read the book. For some reason, there's some blockbuster movies that I have never seen simply because the subject matter didn't pique my interest. Like "Rocky" and all the sequels - never seen a one of them and man do I get criticized by some people for admitting that...LOL
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on June 05, 2022, 12:52:23 PM
Funny, but I've never seen "Jaws" nor have I read the book. For some reason, there's some blockbuster movies that I have never seen simply because the subject matter didn't pique my interest. Like "Rocky" and all the sequels - never seen a one of them and man do I get criticized by some people for admitting that...LOL
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/wZtDFAQxPzuQi3nDN2/giphy.gif)
Holy crap!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on June 05, 2022, 12:52:23 PM
Funny, but I've never seen "Jaws" nor have I read the book. For some reason, there's some blockbuster movies that I have never seen simply because the subject matter didn't pique my interest. Like "Rocky" and all the sequels - never seen a one of them and man do I get criticized by some people for admitting that...LOL
WHAT, never seen Jaws, the original summer blockbuster which started it all. You should see it just for the heck of it. Jaws were simply one of the best movies of all time, Jaws II was just OK and after that, I don't remember how many they made but they were all 'A' type movies that should have been 'B' movies and maybe even 'C' if there is a category for that.
Rocky, on the other hand, held up pretty well thru most of the sequels. Like Rocky 5 was every bit as good as some of the previous ones. The original Rocky was probably the start of all those 'feel good' movies where you just had to root for the underdog. Made Stallone a star. He wrote it and starred in it.
I found NJ's real state flag :D
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FUlw-YRWIAASLKo?format=jpg&name=large)
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."
Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head and said: "Pay him no mind to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
I saw THAT one coming from the first lines.
Funny though. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
https://youtu.be/PAkkLQr2Kjc
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Well...the joke was new to me =))
Seems to have been around for awhile - LOL
Cinderella was 75 years old after a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said:
=)) =)) =)) =))
Saturday funnies
For Father's Day--Mens dream things
And a few more
And this one needs to have a page of it's own.
The links from Lenn are not loading
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Ed Vette on June 11, 2022, 06:09:10 PMThe links from Lenn are not loading
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
yeah, uploaded attachments are one of the one things lost in the transition. I am mildly hopeful that at some point I can restore them, but I am not 100% sure. It's on my to-do list
So how would one post something like I usually do?
Quote from: LennG on June 13, 2022, 08:51:23 PMSo how would one post something like I usually do?
Change the look and layout to the one I suggested and try it again.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: LennG on June 13, 2022, 08:51:23 PMSo how would one post something like I usually do?
The way I do it Lenn is to use a free image hosting site, in particular:
https://postimages.org/The site will come up like this: (you never have to login even though there's a button there to do so)
(https://i.postimg.cc/wTwRfw8z/Post-1.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Then click:
CHOOSE IMAGES and it will take you to your own computer where you store pictures...for me, it's usually on my desktop because pictures I post are usually temporary
DOUBLE CLICK (or
OPEN) the picture you want to share
It will come back with a grid of characters and 10 options for posting that you will add to your writeup. Ignore the "DON'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT YET" because you don't need an account. It's free hosting so sign up for nothing
(https://i.postimg.cc/263j1P76/Post-2.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Then
click on the little blue file folder on the right side of the line "
Hot Link For Forums" (7th one down, 3rd from the bottom)
Then post the URL by going back to your post and right click mouse and "
PASTE"
When you preview your post, you won't see the string of letters and instead get a picture like this (I used my bike as an example)
(https://i.postimg.cc/1tz3qQXN/01a.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Takes a little practice and then it's easy as pie.
Hope this helps
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next-door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he give the $800 he owes me?" (https://i.postimg.cc/pTR6KL7x/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
A politician was out campaigning a couple days before the big election that was going to be close. Having spent weeks going around to every city and large town in the state, he decided to visit a rural town where the people had little faith in government and thought most politicians were a bunch of liars. The election was going to be very close so he needed the rural vote. The rather cocksure portly politician knew how to work a crowd having having spent years getting good at tickling the ears of a gullible public and saw this particular crowd as more gullible than the usual suckers he dealt with in the city
So the politician with great confidence, sticking his belly out and with a big smile asked the crowd, "what is it that I can do for you to make your town better?" A guy in the audience raised his hand and said, "we sure could use a real doctor in this town because we haven't had one in years". The politician grabbed his cell phone, dialed some numbers and proceeded to talk animatedly into the phone. When he hung up he said, "I'm all on it - you will have a doctor setting up in this town by the end of the month, this I guarantee!"
The politician filled with confidence now and still smiling and sticking his belly then asked the crowd, "what else can I do for you fine folks to make this town better for your". Again, the same guy raised his hand and said, "we sure could use cell phone service out here".
a few new ones
A teacher decided to ask the old question to her young students, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny raised his hand jumping up and down so she called on him first
Little Johnny: "I want to be a billionaire and spend my nights in the hottest clubs around, have a yacht, a hot 'b--ch', a fleet of sports cars, buy my b--ch a Maserati, an apartment in Paris with a view of the Eiffel Tower, and multiple mansions around the country, and sex whenever I want with my b--ch"
The teacher exasperated tried to downplay his remarks by ignoring the kids' laughter after what he said and decided to go on as though he never said anything
Teacher: "And Suzie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Suzie: "I want to be Johnny's b--ch" (https://i.postimg.cc/G26HS5zC/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office.
"Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals.
We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "What!
Son, where is your left pinky?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Funnies for Friday
I put this one up and it never took, so here it is again.
Hilarious
.
Getting old
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZRW786Kq/11145116-971010566265619-7989164045399022761-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Saturday food for thought
Lenn, you could add:
(https://i.postimg.cc/qqjS0QmK/s-l500.png) (https://postimages.org/)
Elmer Fudd and Daffy Duck were getting ready to rob a distillery. Daffy asks Elmer "is this whiskey?" Elmer replies "Yes. But not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
Some funnies for July 4th
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with a naked woman who happened to be the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
😊
A guy walks past and sees an older dog with a sign around it's neck - For Sale - Talking Dog - $10.00.
The guy was dubious and said to the dog, "Can you really talk?"
The dog said, "Yes I can. In fact I have been talking for years since I was a puppy. Because of my skills I became a spy and flew all over the world on secret missions. I eventually retired and settled down with the family and kids. Now everyone has moved on and here am I by myself"
The man was amazed and spoke to the owner, "$10.00! Why would you sell a talking dog for just $10?"
The owner replied,"He's a liar, he never did any of that crap."
Izzy and Abe go out to dinner with their wives every Saturday night, they've been doing it for years. Izzy and Abe are in the front seats, their wives in the back. Izzy turns to Abe.
"Where should we eat tonight," says Izzy.
"I don't know," says Abe. "How about that one Italian restaurant? The one with the great Lasagna?"
"What's the name of the restaurant?" asks Izzy.
"I don't know! You know I can't remember anything," says Abe. "Wait, what's the name of a flower?"
"Tulip?" says Izzy.
"No, no, that's not it," says Abe.
"Magnolia?" says Izzy.
"No! Something simpler," says Abe
"Rose??" says Izzy.
"Yeah, that's it!" says Abe, turning to the backseat, "Hey Rose! What's the name of that restaurant?"
A few new ones
And one more, for good measure
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."
And still more funnies
It's 1933 and President Roosevelt is taking the country off the gold standard. Everyone is directed to turn in their gold coins and certificates at any bank and exchange them for paper money. After 90 days it will be illegal for American citizens to possess gold coins
Mae West has a large number of gold coins but she has no intention of handing them over. She decides to hide them in a safety deposit box for awhile, so she gathers them up and heads for the bank
The clerk is impressed by how many she has, and says to her, "Miss West, it looks like you've been hoarding"
Mae replies, "Never mind how I got them, just give me the receipt"
.
A priest and a redneck are pulled from the audience on a televised game show. To win the grand prize, the winner must write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu"
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then it's the redneck's turn, with his winning masterpiece:
"Tim and I to Nor'lins we went
We met three women who were cheap to rent
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two" (https://i.postimg.cc/BQYgcYZN/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
A 65 year old man went to the doctor? After the examination the doctor said, "Clyde, you're in remarkable shape. I don't even have any suggestions. Just curious, how old was your father when he passed away?"
Clyde surprised responded, "What, my father died?"
The doctor replied, "No, I just figured at your age, but I'm not surprised. How old is he?"
Clyde quipped, "He's 85."
Doc said,, "OK, how old was your grandfather when he passed?"
Clyde, with another look of surprise asks, "What, papaw died?"
The doctor is incredulous. "You're grandfather is alive too, amazing. How old is he?"
Well, he's 105 and he's why I'm getting my physical. I have to fly out to his wedding. He's marrying a 25 year old."
Doc intrigued now asked, "Why in the world would a 105 year old want to marry at 25 year old?"
Clyde said with a wry smile, "Who says he WANTED to?"
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me, it was her beautiful younger sister:
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said. "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said. "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.".....
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car....😉
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I suspect"
A penguin takes his car to the mechanic to find out why it wasn't working right.
Mechanic: "It'll be about an hour to diagnose it."
Penguin: "I'll be across the street getting something to eat."
Penguin goes back to the repair shop and the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "Nah, it's just a little ice cream."
A family from Birmingham decided to try a nudist camping resort for a cheap holiday:
On their first day there their young son went off to explore the site.
Some time later he came back to the tent and said,
"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls."
"They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well." His mother snaps. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again.
"Mom, You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there."
"They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man." Says his mother.
"Really?" The boy said, frowning and looking puzzled. "Well it looks like we might be in trouble then, Mom."
"Why, honey?" asks his mom.
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
Two old ladies - dear friends for years - found themselves (much to their surprise) sitting on a park bench in Heaven.
"Millie, what the heck happened?" asked Betsy
"Well", said Millie, "I came home early from shopping and noticed things were different at home. I became suspicious when Bill started acting strangely so I knew I had finally caught him with another woman that I had suspected for some time. So I ran upstairs to the bedroom, ruffled through the closet, looked under the bed, then ran up to the attic. I knew that slut was hiding in there somewhere. When I couldn't find her, I started checking every other room in the house even running down in the cellar and checking the garage. When I was running back up the stairs from the cellar, I collapsed with a heart attack and...well...here I am. How'd you die Betsy?"
"Well", said Betsy, "if you had looked in the freezer neither one of us would be here" (https://i.postimg.cc/j5qyd3Hw/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Don't be Emanuel :laugh:
https://twitter.com/AndrewBrandt/status/1548404638080049153
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
Timmy takes Lassie to school and tells the class that Lassie can talk. The kids tell him to prove it.
"Lassie, what's over our heads?"
"Roof! Roof!"
"Lassie, what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Ruff! Ruff!"
"Lassie, who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
"Ruff! Ruff!"
The kids all groan and mock Timmy. (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220718/82b9bc0f3b6ef39efeadd04fadd6bebc.jpg)
Lassie: "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
cartoon for today
:doh:
Times sure have changed
To go along with Lenn's cell phone stuff
(https://i.postimg.cc/5yttsBfn/11889408-10153543332911489-5993831806505157652-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
It's funny, but it is also scary. I've read a few times instead of people helping someone in trouble, they take their cameras out to record it.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220722/90a4977dca5f9177b62667caa917a4b2.jpg)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
worth some thought
Found on Facebook
Meanwhile in Florida, the alligators have developed sign making skills
E957E7B8-59FA-41AE-8CC3-2876EF6A7C54.jpeg
Did she get married again?
Yeah, she remarried Ben Affleck a couple of days ago :doh:
"Marrying your ex is like going to a yard sale to buy your old crap back"
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on July 23, 2022, 12:41:48 PMYeah, she remarried Ben Affleck a couple of days ago :doh:
"Marrying your ex is like going to a yard sale to buy your old crap back"
I could be wrong, but I don't think they were ever actually married before.
Quote from: DaveBrown74 on July 23, 2022, 01:27:09 PMI could be wrong, but I don't think they were ever actually married before.
My girlfriend told me they were married before. I looked it up. She was wrong, but I have absolutely no intention of telling her she was wrong for obvious reasons. According to Google, her and Affleck were engaged to get married, but never married before breaking up. Still, it's like buying your own crap back...LOL
Some of that old crap, that we got rid of years ago, I wish I had back today. Maybe the new Mrs. Affleck thought the same thing?? <:-P <:-P <:-P <:-P
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
This starts out in a courtroom. A lawyer is grilling an old farmer and saying "Did you or did you not tell the trooper you were OK at the scene of the accident"? I did the old timer said but if i can explain. The lawyer jumped in again You did say you were, ok? Yes but if you would only listen. The judge jumped in and said let him finish. So the old timer says me an ol Bessie were going through the intersection and that young feller there went through the stop sign an hit us. Well ol Bessie went flying to one side of the road and me and my hay wagon went flying to the other side. I was in alot of pain an i could hear poor Bessie moaning across the road. Suddenly a trooper walked over to Bessie and heard her moaning and pulled out his pistol and shot her graveyard dead. Then he come over to my side of the road an asked How i was doing. Well what would you have said?
Funnies for Sunday
More stuff to 'think' about
I WON THE MEGAMILLIONS!!!! =D> =D> =D>
Today's funnies
Today's funnies require some thought
Hilarious
https://youtu.be/obwxVWXjVLw
Quote from: LennG on July 28, 2022, 04:34:50 PMHilarious
https://youtu.be/obwxVWXjVLw
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors concerned for her safety asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
Weekend funnies
A lady went to her priest one day and explained to him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you would be embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I might have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray all day, it's quite cute. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that awful phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this might very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her two female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes...wanna to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied...... 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Want to feel old?
For you beer connoisseurs! LOL
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for drinks.
Corona's president sat down and said, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender took a bottle from the shelf and gave it to him.
Then Budweiser's president said, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gave him one.
Coors' president said, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sat down and said, "Give me a Coke."
The other brewery presidents looked over at him bewildered and asked, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replied, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The
man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man
arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 year
sold) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition"
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are
coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling, and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"... I
just lost it."
CASE DISMISSED!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new Wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her
that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple
days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes
washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Georgia. He had given his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Iowa . He told her that her
duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself
a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
She replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a strip per at a ga y bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .
Quote from: Ed Vette on August 02, 2022, 10:15:15 AM4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .
=)) =)) =)) =))
Great sex quotes
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
A man was falling deeply in love with a woman whose mutual attraction was the same. Neither had slept with the other and both believed in saving themselves for marriage. Hence, they got engaged
The woman explained to her future husband that she had to make a confession: "I want you to know in advance that my breasts have never grown beyond that of a 12 year old". He responded with, "I have no problem with that because I love you just the way you are...but I have a confession to make as well. You see, my 'willie' is the same as a newborn baby"
She replied, "Oh honey...that's okay, I love you just the way you are"
On their wedding night they went to bed together for the first time. She reached over and touched his forbidden area and screamed at the top of her lungs. He tried to calm her and asked, "what's the problem". She replied, "you said it was the same size as a newborn baby and that thing is huge". He replied, "I don't understand...it's 8 pounds and 19 inches long...just like a newborn baby!" (https://i.postimg.cc/3R8HrSLt/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/zBcPm04b/main-qimg-c259db472bde30301f0a197590436185-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
Dark stuff..LOL
(https://i.postimg.cc/63Rs6swJ/main-qimg-0a1c07a8d641e7309a2394e3fc64ccbc-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/PqgcR6D6/main-qimg-d535c558a2a8763fdd87dfd620b01027-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf.
It was their favorite moment of the week.
Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It was not quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.
One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf
round in the break room.
Curious, she spoke up,
'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty
good.
Would you mind if I joined you next week?'
The three lawyers looked at each other.
They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes',
but she had them on the spot.
Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting
pretty early at 6:30 am.
He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly
be up to 15 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.
She smiled and said,
'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening two-under par round.
She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.
The guys were impressed !!!
Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her
back the next week.
She smiled and said,
'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.
By now the guys were very amazed, but wondered if she was just trying
to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They could not figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week, they all had their game faces on.
However, this week she was 15 minutes late !!!
This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the
best round of golf of his life to beat her.
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part.
Finally, she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play
that it was hard to keep a grudge against her.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out !!!
Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability.
They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up.
Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer.
He asked her directly,
'How do you decide if you are going to golf right-handed or
left-handed ???'
The lady blushed and grinned.
She said, 'That is easy.
When my dad taught me to play golf,
I learned I was ambidextrous.
I have always had fun switching back and forth.
Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered
he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him.
If his schwantz was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and
if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air ???'
She said, ...... 'Then I am fifteen minutes late.'
A guy thing
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220807/e9571e3b333ee74452b2a55e4a1195b5.png)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220807/d7fce3cb8b9ab3d9589270f97e849293.png)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
(https://i.postimg.cc/2S6qpc9n/main-qimg-15df90195d40af67341f7825ccda8793-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
I recently spent $16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days....... all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...
... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on August 08, 2022, 11:06:30 AM(https://i.postimg.cc/2S6qpc9n/main-qimg-15df90195d40af67341f7825ccda8793-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
I recently spent $16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days....... all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...
... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Maybe I'm dumb today but I had to read it several times before the proverbial light bulb went off.
=)) =)) =)) =)) =))
a few new funnies
.
weekend laughs
(https://i.postimg.cc/d1wPjW8m/croc.png)
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."
.
Confucius Did Not Say:
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car
gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Nor did Confucius say,
"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
"Man who go to bed with itchy bottom wake up with stinky finger."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an.hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be a politician."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the very first time in their lives.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an elderly lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The stunned son asked his father, "what just happened?"
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..."I don't know son, but go get your Mother."
Morbid but funny--Tombstones
I like the text forwarding one! =)) =)) =))
A man escaped from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen honey, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes and all those prison tats! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. So if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
try these tombstones on for size
and even more
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.
When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
"Please untie her, please, let her go!"
The thief responds with,
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"
The man yet again pleads,
"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."
The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"
"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"
I went down to the psychiatric ward the other day to visit my buddy as I'm walking down the hall I hear a roomful of people yelling 14,14,14,, being curious I looked through the keyhole and a stick came out and poked me in the eye and then I heard them yelling 15,15,15
(https://i.postimg.cc/BbGNTH07/main-qimg-2b5440c0cb5687a9023cbc780cb0ed44-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/Bnwghd3K/main-qimg-2da5f169d65b3ad18c217f40f19967cb-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/JhfQ8ZG7/main-qimg-636e22b5e00440ac0a9e056176e14b20-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/1XH0DdM4/main-qimg-bc419b2875d09f55e627cbd8487050ed-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/Hx1bRmhV/main-qimg-4662f182620fe58c9666f73308fdeb95-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Sunday humor
some very cute signs
Today's funnies
.
Ahhh...the religious jokes:
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, and Protestants gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids.
The Priest said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof and even bit a person.
The Protestant pastor then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
A man's beloved cat died :'(
He wanted a nice funeral for his cat so he walked down the street to the nearest church which happened to be a Presbyterian establishment. He told the preacher his dilemma and was told, "we can't have a funeral for an animal in this church, it would be sacrilegious"
So the man went to the next church and it was a Catholic one. Upon explaining his dilemma to the priest, again he was told that could not happen and would be sacrilegious. The frustrated man replied, "I don't know what to do now, I just wanted a respectful funeral for my cat and was willing to pay five thousand dollars for the service"
The stunned priest said, "now wait just a minute, you didn't tell me he was a Catholic cat" (https://i.postimg.cc/qvSGXthD/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Paddy hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with decanters of the finest Irish whiskey and Guinness on tap. Behind the bar is a huge array of the finest cigars.
As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.
Paddy says, "Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest says, "Get out, Paddy, you idiot! You're on my side."
______________________________________________________________________________
A preacher who couldn't swim was on a boat one day. He fell into the sea and sadly no-one noticed and the boat sailed away.
When another boat came past, the captain shouted out to the preacher, "Do you need help?"
The preacher replied, "No thank you, God will save me."
A short while later another boat came past and the fisherman on it shouted to the preacher, "Do you need any help sir?"
Again the preacher calmly replied, "No thank you, God will save me."
Eventually the poor preacher drowned and of course he went straight to heaven. When he got there, he asked God, "When I was drowning why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You fool, I sent you two boats!"
_______________________________________________________________________________
A man is praying to God one day and asks, "How long is a million years?" To his surprise God answers, saying "To me, it's about one minute."
The man then asks, "God, how much is one million dollars?" and God replies, "To me, it's a penny."
The man thinks and then asks, "God, may I have a penny?"
God replies, "Sure, wait a minute."
_____________________________________________________________________________
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Amish"
"Amish who?"
"You're not a shoe, you idiot" :crazy:
______________________________________________________________________________
How many Amish people does it take to change a light bulb?
A what?
(https://i.redd.it/720zszkurdk91.png)
.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was pie-eyed drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "wonderin if you could give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on the swing set."
Interesting
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk and appeared to fall over any secon.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Lol
https://twitter.com/femaleredhead/status/1566897231013318657
https://twitter.com/femaleredhead/status/1566938517313179649
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220906/cf009515b4635b0a5ad75915890a8839.jpg)
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Lol
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean.
So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"
(https://i.postimg.cc/5tBjwcXc/michigan-criminal-appeal-attorney.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
(https://i.postimg.cc/5tj0HH8r/old-woman-puts-glasses-looking-camera-granny-wearing-eyeglasses-outside-portrait-sad-grandmother-out.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
An old man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.
Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up quite a few years ago...real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and planted some apple and peach trees.
One evening the farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been down there for a quite some time.
Before setting off, he grabed a five-gallon bucket as he had decided to bring back some fruit from his trees.
As he neared the pond, he could hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, someone is having a good time.
As the farmer got closer, he could see a bunch of young women who were clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swam over to the far end.
One of the women then shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave mister!"
The farmer replied, "Ladies, I didn't come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on and have fun."
The wily old-timer then held up his bucket and said, "I just came down here to feed the alligators!"
Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.
A man went to his lawyer and told him:
"My neighbor owes me $500, and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owed you,"' said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply, and then you'll have your proof!"
Younguns won't get this, but us older chaps will :what:
(https://i.postimg.cc/fTzgdZX5/main-qimg-78a8138d0f84b6d775c653ad528d1c65-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the 2023 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you know anyone who wants to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
And think outside the box.
.
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment and then began packing his bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"
An old "Far Side" one. It's a little morbid, but it really made me laugh
(https://i.postimg.cc/2y9GrDnv/main-qimg-0b6d9282aa58e50f94bda272158002ab-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Hello?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
<Brief Pause>
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."
<Long Pause>
<Longer Pause>
<Even Longer Pause>
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
(https://i.postimg.cc/hPtvhVF7/main-qimg-b53f3b5975127a7a0fad45758a030fd6-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men....are men.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking tired and destitute, so I offered her a ride. She was starving, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you won't wear because they are out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
"And so...here we are!"
https://fb.watch/fU09DlboRv/
Saturday funnies
True that
A man walked into the ladies clothing store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around" said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable.
Actually even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple."
The Catholic type supports the masses,
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FeU_fVeXwAI05nz?format=jpg&name=small)
A man finds a wallet with $7000 in it.
A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $500 reward to anyone who returns it.
He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"
The wealthy man continues, "This wallet had $7500 in it when I lost it."
The poor man replied "I am sorry sir but when I found it up it only had $7,000"
The two men began arguing, and eventually they ended up in court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Your Honor, I trust you believe me."
The Judge says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated.
Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
"What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily.
The Judge responds, "I believe you are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $7500 in it, I'm sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, you'll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $7500 in it."
The head nun tells the two new nuns they have to paint their room...
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says,
"Hey, nice rack. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
(https://i.postimg.cc/kgT7xR6K/main-qimg-f36f0c31929e70e092836c84e628d86d-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
If you don't get this one, you don't have a computer :what:
(https://i.postimg.cc/gcHQXF66/main-qimg-d48383f9a8c781515e4a6982847de38f-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride was completed, and she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser." One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next, they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." (https://i.postimg.cc/NFwj8cPW/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
:confused:
Saturday comics
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,'
So, Here I am!"
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man.
"We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
This one is a bit X rated, so if it's not your thing, pass it by
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.
That's how you get a baby, honey."
The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear.
Jewelry."
Quote from: LennG on October 15, 2022, 02:08:55 PMSteve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,'
So, Here I am!"
Man. it sucks to get old. I just really don't remember this happening. I also wonder if I caught any fish. =))
That one joke that Lenn posted made me laugh.
(https://i.postimg.cc/j22SHB3F/00200.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/WqRVjYvG)
Reminded me of an old western I watched years and years ago - maybe more than 50 years ago, but it struck me so funny that I never forgot it.
A cowboy had gotten shot and in great pain, he went to the doctor to have the bullet removed. As the doc set up his tools and the patient was lying on the operating table, there was a bottle of whiskey on the doc's tool box. The injured cowboy grabbed the bottle and said, "thanks doc, this might help a little". The doc slapped him and grabbed the bottle away and said, "get your hands off that whiskey, that's not for you, that's for me when I'm operating" =))
Always made me laugh
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on October 15, 2022, 04:49:10 PMThat one joke that Lenn posted made me laugh.
(https://i.postimg.cc/j22SHB3F/00200.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/WqRVjYvG)
Reminded me of an old western I watched years and years ago - maybe more than 50 years ago, but it struck me so funny that I never forgot it.
A cowboy had gotten shot and in great pain, he went to the doctor to have the bullet removed. As the doc set up his tools and the patient was lying on the operating table, there was a bottle of whiskey on the doc's tool box. The injured cowboy grabbed the bottle and said, "thanks doc, this might help a little". The doc slapped him and grabbed the bottle away and said, "get your hands off that whiskey, that's not for you, that's for me when I'm operating" =))
Always made me laugh
Good to have you back Ric. :yes: :yes: :yes: :yes:
A little boy came downstairs crying.
His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said the little boy through his tears.
"That's not serious," soothed his mother, "I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something as silly as that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed the little boy (https://i.postimg.cc/QMfqSwmZ/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker stepped up next to me, grabbed my drink, and gulped it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about this?", he says, menacingly, as I started to burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting so my boss fired me today. Then I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. Got home and found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to my life, I bought a drink, dropped a capsule of cyanide in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
an oldie but still a goodie
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. "You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don't look a day over 40!" Rob exclaimed. "I feel like I'm 40 too!" replied John. "That's incredible" exclaimed Rob, "Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?" "Did I say he was dead?" asked John. "He's 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!" responded John. "Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?" "Did I say he died" asked John. Rob was amazed. "He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He's actually getting married this week!" "Getting married?!" Rob asked. If he's 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, "Did I say he wanted to?"
Mid week funnies, and maybe a few 'smart' thoughts
i dont know much about switzerland but heard their flag is a big plus
Pope Chauffeur
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I 'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!' 👀😂
Good point
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20221022/0e0756026143ac522acea1cb51f231d8.jpg)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20221023/96d39d422843d2b425e28a0b5d02e024.jpg)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Slugsy-Narrows on October 23, 2022, 09:44:18 AM(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20221023/96d39d422843d2b425e28a0b5d02e024.jpg)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Maybe I'm a little dense (no maybe about it LOL), but I don't get this at all. Still scratching my head trying to find the humor in it :-??
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on October 23, 2022, 10:04:15 AMMaybe I'm a little dense (no maybe about it LOL), but I don't get this at all. Still scratching my head trying to find the humor in it :-??
He's jacking off in the kitchen
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Quote from: Slugsy-Narrows on October 23, 2022, 10:15:21 AMHe's jacking off in the kitchen
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
(https://i.postimg.cc/m2G92pvD/sarahmcfadyen-atc.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on October 23, 2022, 10:31:56 AM(https://i.postimg.cc/m2G92pvD/sarahmcfadyen-atc.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Lmao more punny then funny
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(https://i.postimg.cc/X74YZRQr/main-qimg-f204310a5fecee5d26c9cc1e4abfa572-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/fLWhWsws/funny-walmart-meme-freaks.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Girls just wanna have fun!
Perfect timing snapshots:
(https://i.postimg.cc/NMMTynph/Suuwiiinnngg.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/NGRTKRxj/Goat-attack.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS
I was walking by a mental institute the other day, and all the patients were laughing and shouting "13...13...13.."
Curiosity got the best of me and I had to know what they were up to.
The security fence was too high to look over, but I found a gap in one of the planks
so I took a peak to see what was going on and some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then I heard the patients laugh and they started shouting"14...14...14..." :hurt:
PSA F86D2CA9-37E8-4DB6-8152-1BEAFBDF4663.jpeg
three ducks walk into a bar. The bartender says to the first duck whats your name an hows your day. I am Huey and ive been in an out of puddles all day. a great day for me. The second duck says i am Dewey an ive been in an out of puddles all day also. A great day for a duck. The bartender says to the third duck you must be Louie. The ducks winks at him an says no i am Puddles
Quote from: GIANTS1 on October 28, 2022, 08:10:16 AMthree ducks walk into a bar. The bartender says to the first duck whats your name an hows your day. I am Huey and ive been in an out of puddles all day. a great day for me. The second duck says i am Dewey an ive been in an out of puddles all day also. A great day for a duck. The bartender says to the third duck you must be Louie. The ducks winks at him an says no i am Puddles
Suitable for minors?
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I hear Eli Manning gets Tom Brady in the divorce because he owned him before the marriage :D
.
(https://i.postimg.cc/T1jHhGLb/main-qimg-51f40d3c7d820d1f092d9e32d9c3de58-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/Z5WFM4bL/main-qimg-f50922cf4bcaa6518d99228455fc1f07-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/mDjHr5ZD/funny-walmart-meme-freaks.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/q7LRc6PD/main-qimg-d7bce306881b17c7ee0618624b1f8485.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/R3W44hVw)
(https://i.postimg.cc/PfBw5YT1/main-qimg-b87c90ee2e0965021da8c20f230b3e22.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/14rtWggz)
(https://i.postimg.cc/rFn74VZG/main-qimg-824e6fac206cb3a4f0b91dfd88485429-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
A Mafia Godfather found out that his bookkeeper, Guido, had cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather went to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he took along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather told the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asked Guido, "Where's the money?
Guido signed back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer told the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to Guido's head, and said, "Ask him again or I'll blow his brains out!"
The lawyer signed to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembled and signed back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asked the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replied, "He said you don't have the guts to pull that trigger!"
Since it's Halloween
(https://i.postimg.cc/4ybNCtR7/main-qimg-b766ba7faec6618a5e1ce997dc1f5371-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/L6tZRY3V/main-qimg-dc0c6111783bbe5a02c98dfdf245d9ab-pjlq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/66fxVBWQ/00001.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/RFmbqnnL/00003.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/SsmDmFwZ/00004.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
I don't where else to post this, so here is as good a place as any.
I'm not saying which relative...but a relative just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, her brother called and told me that my relative was lying and not to give her the money. He goes on to say that the real reason my relative wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my relative and told her to come and get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the County jail. It was my relative crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
Been a while for me, so here are some saved up funnies
Weekend cartoons, some to ponder about
More things to ponder
Blonde humor
Thank John Wayne for these great 'rules'
your john wayne reminded me of one. could have saw it here earlier.
A young actor went out to lunch with John Wayne and when the bill came John said kid i will buy and wrote a check for the tab. The young actor was shocked and said i cant believe the great John Wayne writes a check for lunch. John said "They never cash em "
More for Sunday
Still more
some great signs
its just a joke. if only there were more mosquito nets in africa it could save millions of mosquito's needlessly dying of aids.
:P
Weekend funnies
More GREAT signs
For our new grandpa and all other grandpa's
True story:
One of the guys I bowled against tonight had this shirt on.
Me: "Hey Carl, why does your shirt have that hole in it?"
Carl: "I dunno, why?"
Me: "Because F*ck Dallas, that's why!"
(https://i.postimg.cc/k4GrkV37/specialc339556d036.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mcv69ggn)
Love them Yoga pants!
(https://i.postimg.cc/fTcw79MP/Alba-Baptista-hot-yoga-pants.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/RN054q61)
But there is a caveat - not every woman should wear yoga pants. As they say, "Three things that always tell the truth - innocent children, drunkards, and yoga pants"...LOL
(https://scontent.fewr1-6.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/315601156_10161549524372985_4886010844153618883_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p180x540&_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=HyQN2A4mJoYAX_pNitS&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-6.fna&oh=00_AfD4HyLoh08rnIAdid8Zu5v6szSa1tGaXz9JRcJHuY0mug&oe=637D0305)
a good one
few more funnies
(https://scontent.fewr1-5.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/316241431_10160754513356289_4091023666679483940_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p180x540&_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=8Nzin2ITLFwAX8-LaEX&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-5.fna&oh=00_AfC-7kysZjKLMsgmS5or2yZPQ_nVyz_pSsGzHBeOihjDoQ&oe=63818214)
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "NO!"
I told him, "She is Bill Gates' daughter."
He said, "OK."
I called Bill Gates and said, "want your daughter to marry my son?"
Bill Gates said, "NO."
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "OK."
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, "NO."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, "OK."
This is how politics works.
Now that I'm older... here's what I've discovered...
1. I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway through.
9. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
10. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
A beautiful blonde was on a plane to Seattle in the coach section. She got up and went forward and sat in a first class seat.
The stewardess went up to her and said, "I'm sorry ma'am, you have a coach ticket and can't sit here. You have to go back to your seat."
The blonde replied, "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, I'm going to Seattle, and I can sit anywhere I want."
Perplexed, the stewardess went to the cockpit and explained the situation. The co-pilot said, "I'll go back and deal with it."
He goes back and says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you have a coach ticket and can't sit here. You have to go back to your seat."
The blonde replied, "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, I'm going to Seattle, and I can sit anywhere I want."
The co-pilot goes back to the cockpit and tells the captain what happened. The captain says, "She's a blonde? I'll take care of it. My wife is a blonde and I speak fluent blonde."
He goes back and whispers in her ear. She says, "Oh, thank you" and gets up and returns to her seat. He goes back to the cockpit. The astounded stewardess and co-pilot ask him what he told her.
He said, "I told her that only the coach section was going to Seattle, the first class section is going to San Fransisco."
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/f7914835-c079-43cc-bcef-4ec990063584-jpeg.649907/)
I never realized that the stork delivered them fully dressed.
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/fb_img_1667257221875-jpg.649918/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/fb_img_1667341809988-jpg.649920/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/fb_img_1669651297671-jpg.649924/)
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(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/image012-jpg.649932/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/img_0384-jpg.649934/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/img_0477-jpg.649942/)
Map of NYC according to my Urologist
A redneck and a shyster were at a bakery
The redneck steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the shyster and says, "Pretty slick huh, bro? The owner didn't even see me."
Unimpressed, the shyster replies, "Typical dishonest redneck...I'll show you the honest way and still get the same result."
The redneck says, "This I gotta see"
So the shyster calls out to the owner of the shop and says, "Hey man, I want to show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner comes over. The shyster asks him for a pastry, which the owner gives him, and he eats it. He asks for another and eats that one, too. He asks for a third and eats that one as well.
The owner says, "C'mon, fella. Where's the magic trick?"
The shyster points to the redneck and says, "Check his pockets"
very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barrelling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief,
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"
After today's game, I need some humor
Sorry we need MORE humor after yesterday
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/318458347_10160697977374917_4793671759037091691_n.png?stp=dst-png_s640x640&_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=HK1E_MxquQQAX9areez&_nc_ht=scontent-lga3-1.xx&oh=00_AfBfTa4f-Wo7fjl-ktjclgcAD_pxY6MP_f40KaU5lJPEUg&oe=639DEC56)
Few more cuties
funny, funny, funny
https://youtu.be/af15bNB_OtY
(https://i.postimg.cc/sfHZjkV2/main-qimg-32ee70fb98656a977e1a4d27a5f03083-lq.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Weekend funnies--Musicals
Ouch
https://youtu.be/FFUuvGZ8OiA
Sunday funnies
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/6d1692bb-c5a0-4a6e-b717-cad23c94e97b-jpeg.651393/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/5149e42e-2aa2-488a-a7a9-2c9efddb0db2-jpeg.651394/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/319108213_5905106072845193_108323198774281009_n-jpg.651398/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/319432218_10167621415370227_7635183843953061583_n-jpg.651400/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/320077824_1322844945208166_2722146594296189487_n-jpg.651403/)
"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
He looked at the woman and laughed,
"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"
A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.
When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.
The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/offended-203-jpg.650887/)
(https://i.imgur.com/JpoQ0c7.jpg)
Holiday humor
A few more really good ones (I think anyway)
A man's father was close to death and he had a big inheritance coming. He wanted to find a women to share it with. He went to the bar and saw the most breathtaking woman he ever saw. He approached her an said I might not be much but in a week or two I'm going to inherit 12 million bucks. So she went home with him. 3 days later she became his Stepmom
Funnies
Getting close to the holiday humor
Went to the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door an asked if I could look around. The people slammed the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister.
She says, "Like hell, they're getting divorced!"
She calls their father immediately.
"You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, and don't file papers. DO YOU HEAR ME?
She hangs up the phone...
The old man turns to his wife and says,
"Okay, they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
.
Post-Chrismas funnies
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the
football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the not hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
That's what she said...
https://twitter.com/buitengebieden/status/1607296152889888771
LMAO - so much can go wrong with little kids on stage. I remember going to my grandson's kindergarten graduation, and each kid had to walk to the microphone and tell the crowd what they were going to be when they grew up. Almost every boy said a "zombie fighter" and a couple boys said "bus driver"...LOL
This clip of this pre-school girl who wants to grow up and be an American Idol winner someday always makes me laugh. Kid's got heart, I'll tell you that...LOL
.
Todays's funnies
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/crime-20scene-jpg.652594/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/de5681d4-3f70-43b3-8f9e-bfbbabe0cee0-jpeg.652598/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/e33fa237-e899-4d8a-916c-3e88819fc585-jpeg.652601/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/f61c1c8b-2092-45e0-afd9-01a4c95f2b35-jpeg.652603/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/fb_img_1671556569030-jpg.652605/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/fb_img_1671557452804-jpg.652606/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/fb_img_1671679837023-jpg.652610/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/fc6fc5c1-a65a-4782-a20c-eaa80079fd0c-png.652611/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/gift-jpg.652615/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/hated-20her-jpg.652616/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/i20home-jpg.652617/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/sue-jpg.652626/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/th-1265822210-jpg.652630/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/wife1-jpg.652631/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/wife3-jpg.652632/)
And to bring it full circle:
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/t1-356717-bad_kitty-jpg.652628/)
Get your ducks in a row
Funnies to end this year
An old guy was driving home from work when his wife called him on his cell phone.
"Honey", she said in a worried voice, "be very careful...there's a bit on the news just now...some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the freeway".
"Oh, it's much worse than that", he replied, "there are hundreds of them!"
THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ANY CRISIS
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you'll be right.
Before any bank will lend you money, you must first prove you don't need it.
A bird in the hand is better than two in the tree above your new hat.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it can be a bitch to mow.
Some people like rain, others like snow, most like sunshine. Sleet sucks.
A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If the shoe fits, see if there's another one just like it.
Research causes cancer in mice.
The lesser of two evils is still evil.
My New Year's resolution is to become the person my dog seems to think I am.
Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
I'm guessing not everyone will get this.
(https://i.postimg.cc/6QcrYyGs/324404702-4265165046941198-3048804529710510345-n.jpg)
Took me a minute to get it. "What it is ain't exactly clear" obviously because the picture itself "ain't clear", LOL
Good one. Actually made me think for a change :doh:
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/4621f2c5b397d03c5bfcc9d78d9fdbbadc152f021e7c877e5abec5cad9557951_1-jpg.654168/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/c56ed478-b74c-4332-ad1a-498e527f1f3e-jpeg.654093/)
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(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/computer-jpg.654104/)
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(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/each-20other-jpg.654112/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/images-jpg.654118/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/put20back-jpg.654127/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/redneck-jpg.654129/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/tumblr_285b6ce91f886ca335edb292121853d3_44c66445_1280-jpg.654131/)
A well dressed gentleman was walking along the street when he ran across an old man fishing in a puddle outside a bar. Feeling sorry for the man, he invited the old man in for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman decided to humor the old man and asked him, "so, how many did you catch?"
The old man replied, "you're the eighth today" (https://i.postimg.cc/J72DqTCm/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Welcome to The Future
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That's what I'll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don't want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Chemisthouse, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Welcome to the future 🤖
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New funnies for the weekend
You should be 'old' to appreciate these
This one isn't a joke but I felt some would really enjoy reading it.
Another one to think for a sec and then laugh
(https://scontent.fewr1-5.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/325138287_860694558527823_8917347743077354702_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=g4az1A4Q3DcAX8Ewda9&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-5.fna&oh=00_AfC7EQ8zCqwBwO4VJJ4RDYEVV3_TOvkK8AVk4SKh6nhqog&oe=63C8BF19)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/1673666336020-png.654396/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/1673738609623-png.654499/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/1673738980945-png.654504/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/1673739015833-png.654505/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/1673739050104-png.654506/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/1673739437880-png.654516/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/1673739494328-png.654517/)
Quote from: MightyGiants on January 14, 2023, 02:12:48 PM(https://scontent.fewr1-5.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/325138287_860694558527823_8917347743077354702_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=g4az1A4Q3DcAX8Ewda9&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-5.fna&oh=00_AfC7EQ8zCqwBwO4VJJ4RDYEVV3_TOvkK8AVk4SKh6nhqog&oe=63C8BF19)
I'd give that girl an A+ and give her lots of latitude - wouldn't include her in collective punishment, that's for sure. That's an old military trick to get the whole squad down on a certain member
(https://i.postimg.cc/85qVQVBS/HEBILmemdk.png)
Don't speak Chinese, you will understand this anyway
https://youtube.com/shorts/kX-BbSiaMuU?feature=share
For the Baby Boomers.
Saw this and it made me laugh.
Bill
(https://scontent.fewr1-6.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/325397835_732748978147447_7832255244158115_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=tDKmSzE2tUoAX-qqV4E&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-6.fna&oh=00_AfDSgR_Sry4snME1qq4Os57c_JzTi_EySQ8u5MBzHFW6qQ&oe=63CB63D1)
After being married for 50 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey, I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now... we have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big luxurious bed, and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman."
So he said to his wife, "it seems to me you're not holding up your side of things."
His wife was a reasonable woman and replied, "you should go out and find yourself a hot 23-year-old girl. And I will make sure you will once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."
Quote from: MightyGiants on January 17, 2023, 09:04:09 AM(https://scontent.fewr1-6.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/325397835_732748978147447_7832255244158115_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=tDKmSzE2tUoAX-qqV4E&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-6.fna&oh=00_AfDSgR_Sry4snME1qq4Os57c_JzTi_EySQ8u5MBzHFW6qQ&oe=63CB63D1)
As a kid, I can still remember one thing on the Jetsons that did come true. One of the common troupes on TV, when I was a kid was characters in the army having to do KP. So they had that on the Jetsons, and I can remember they had to push a button to peel the potatoes. They were complaining about how terrible that job was. I thought to myself, "how hard is it to just push a button?" Now fast forward a few decades, and people complain about having to click a mouse button an extra time or having to click through on a hyperlink rather than landing on what they want directly.
Quote from: MightyGiants on January 17, 2023, 09:04:09 AM(https://scontent.fewr1-6.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/325397835_732748978147447_7832255244158115_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=tDKmSzE2tUoAX-qqV4E&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-6.fna&oh=00_AfDSgR_Sry4snME1qq4Os57c_JzTi_EySQ8u5MBzHFW6qQ&oe=63CB63D1)
But where's my flying car?
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/308415280_1616527418854754_3161577487262435783_n-jpg.654962/)
Quote from: AZGiantFan on January 17, 2023, 12:02:21 PMBut where's my flying car?
It's coming. Problem isn't making a flying car though (there's all kinds of prototypes) but how to control the air they would be traveling in. You think it's hard for air traffic controllers to keep passenger (and private) planes from crashing into each other, imagine the nightmare if all the cars you see on the highways were in the air without barriers and lines. It would only work if 99%+ of the traffic stuck to the highway and it would still be chaotic with crashes and harm to infrastructure everywhere, coming from the sky
funny for seniors
So we win a playoff game and we are all giddy
This is not a joke, but it's so funny I hurt from laughing and I don't feel like starting a new thread or digging through old threads where it might fit, so I'm just sharing it in the joke thread. It's a 60-second clip from the movie "Hall Pass" in which a married man is given a "freedom pass" from his wife to do anything he wants for a week, as if he was single again. He picks up a girl and brings her back to his hotel room...with no further ado:
An extra big batch to cheer everyone up after yesterday's loss:
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/312739445_1372289189972423_6428958661941510820_n-jpg.655199/)
(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/312804410_6158720254158111_3131884189732871528_n-jpg.655200/)
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Quote from: MightyGiants on January 22, 2023, 01:01:33 PM(https://scontent.fewr1-5.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/326548116_652467103548759_1576469642136278070_n.jpg?stp=cp6_dst-jpg_p552x414&_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=jjIrGAIy8KgAX9ypgVp&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-5.fna&oh=00_AfDKLcXQE_g7anDN8G9tgFbJJRtq2Esl6LimXMRaeZO0yg&oe=63D26A57)
LOL...Reminds me of an old favorite
(https://iili.io/HldlP6B.md.jpg) (https://freeimage.host/i/HldlP6B)
.
(https://i.postimg.cc/SKgyDrmM/315762570-10159547479412758-8456616808843233187-n.jpg)
.
.
.
Quote from: LennG on January 23, 2023, 08:13:31 PM.
Sorry Len...I don't get it. Maybe I'm too thick as it went right over my head
(https://i.postimg.cc/ydFW1QpK/e37.png) (https://postimages.org/)
=))
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on January 23, 2023, 08:19:22 PMSorry Len...I don't get it. Maybe I'm too thick as it went right over my head
(https://i.postimg.cc/ydFW1QpK/e37.png) (https://postimages.org/)
=))
Are you joking or not?
Quote from: LennG on January 24, 2023, 07:06:30 PMAre you joking or not?
All I got was a single dot, like a period. I kept refreshing, trying to see if there was something on your post, but nothing appeared. I see that today it's there :-??
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/327309337_515624120446958_4248744894841788129_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=ilArAA_FB-UAX9eHZCL&_nc_ht=scontent-lga3-1.xx&oh=00_AfCZOhr1cdPJYoNG7CwDZapqctl0OJ9blUMbDoZ0hTJ5OQ&oe=63D86F18)
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on January 11, 2023, 04:36:11 PMA well dressed gentleman was walking along the street when he ran across an old man fishing in a puddle outside a bar. Feeling sorry for the man, he invited the old man in for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman decided to humor the old man and asked him, "so, how many did you catch?"
The old man replied, "you're the eighth today" (https://i.postimg.cc/J72DqTCm/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Gee, sounds like certain threads.
Dolly Parton tells a joke
https://youtu.be/G1qhRV4H2sU
Quote from: LennG on January 28, 2023, 02:04:49 PMDolly Parton tells a joke
https://youtu.be/G1qhRV4H2sU
Good one!
Quote from: Ed Vette on January 28, 2023, 04:20:34 PMGood one!
Funny I knew the punch line way in advance. I had heard this joke about a frozen cat where they put gas on him to unfreeze him, lit him up, and off he went until, of course, he ran out of gas.
Sunday funnies
Lets start the week off with a smile
mid week funnies (for the 'older' set???)
.
.
Johnny Carson was always one funny dude.
Here is a hilarious skit he did on politicians who lie.
https://youtu.be/hef7v6fp_DQ
GRAMMAR LESSON
Is it "complete", "finished", or "completely finished" No English
dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between
these two words - "Complete" or "Finished"
In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by
supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man,
was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over five
minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people
say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'
Here is his astute answer
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. "When you marry the
wrong woman, you are FINISHED. "And when the right one catches you
with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
What the hell?!?!?
(https://i.postimg.cc/W4BrCvDj/752405-1675468477252.jpg)
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning It was a fine spring day in his new mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter ?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the Good Father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites !"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.........
Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
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.....the Process of Ageing.....it goes something like this....
Two guys grow up together, but after graduating from Sydney University, one moves to Brisbane and the other to Adelaide.
They agree to meet every ten years in Melbourne to play golf.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where do you wanna go?"
"Bonkers."
"Why Bonkers?"
"They have those very attractive topless waitresses."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where do you wanna go for lunch?"
"Bonkers."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and starting-price betting."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where do you wanna go for lunch?
"Bonkers.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where do you wanna go?"
"Bonkers."
"Why?"
"Chicken-wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says,"Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Bonkers."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Bonkers."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay, let's give it a try."
Suspended Coffees · Follow
Poster based in Ireland ·
4d
·
😁😁...I had to share this!
I know I shouldn't have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window
I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.🤣😂🙋�♀️
A little Valentine's Day humor
A guy walks to the post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on pink envelopes with hearts. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over.
His curiosity, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he doing.
Says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies
The Sunday funnies
Lenny and Doris watching a game.
Quote from: Ed Vette on February 20, 2023, 10:15:43 PMLenny and Doris watching a game.
How'd you know??
:ok: :ok: :ok: :ok: :ok:
(https://preview.redd.it/p6n2v94xfqja1.jpg?width=345&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=c1b4218fd770c87152ad25b4bfda0df958144646)
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/333039090_579964397482334_5344515284578670747_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s600x600&_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=vRlWydM7i7gAX9ny_S7&_nc_ht=scontent-lga3-1.xx&oh=00_AfAHObEqP0oH9j3_uEhemsM2z8mp28jcn3sxepoUrAXW4A&oe=63FCE7F1)
Not really a joke but a cool clip
John Wayne teaches people to swim
https://youtu.be/pIJrIuLwjM8
Funnies
An old I/T joke....
I was walking down a street, and noticed that the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb, 2mb....
That was a trip down memory lane.
An elderly man thinking his
wife was losing her hearing
went about 20' behind her
and asked "Can you hear me
sweetheart?' No reply. Moved
to 10' and inquired again. No
reply. 5' and not a word. A
few inches behind ear, he
asked "Can you hear me now
honey"? His wife said "For the
fourth time, yes."
We need transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you...
Thursday, 4:01pm
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
"Count on it."
(https://i.postimg.cc/hjQR5SF7/330280605-965355008169678-1048629734750562086-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/856xbtWR/330312995-734673871551404-6114775019613234150-n.jpg)
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HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST
NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.........
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you ... You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Sunday
weekend funnies==MENS addition
The more you look, the more you see
AND, don't forget next week is the start of Daylight Savings Time, so make sure you remember to change your clocks
.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"Seems to me you're bad luck."
Some real serious 'thoughts' for the day
A lady went up to silent Calvin Coolidge an said "i bet my friend a 100 bucks i could get you to say 3 words" He said "you lose"
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."🤣🤣🤣
What's better than Roses on your Piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Happy Spring!
One day you are young and full of life and then before you know it you are driving down the road and turning down the radio so you can see better.
An airplane is about to crash. A female passenger gets up an says "if im going to die i want to die feeling like a woman" and removes all her clothes an says "is there a man that is man enough on this plane to make me feel like a woman. A man gets up removes his shirt an says "here iron this!
A man was walking an spotted a frog an picked it up. The frog said "kiss me an i will turn into a beautiful princess." So he put the frog in his pocket an the frog said arent you going to kiss me. He said "at my age i would rather have a talking frog"
.
A pastor decided to skip church Sunday morning an go golfing. He told the assistant pastor he was sick. He went to an out of town course so no one would recognize him. He teed off on the first hole an a big gust of wind caught his ball for a 450 yard hole in one. An angel looked at God an said why did you do that. God said with a smile who's he gonna tell.
.
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I still love old Far Side jokes. Here's one of my favorites
(https://i.postimg.cc/C1W9RSb6/main-qimg-a233184ffb9b3fb5a5cf801f2373d7c1-lq.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/bD9mMXCQ)
What the heck, a couple more
(https://i.postimg.cc/YSNvnCCQ/Untitled-3.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
An oldie, but goodie...one of my favorites of all time
(https://i.postimg.cc/FKxKbCTZ/59064644-2325511091107425-6282139816503017472-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HJVHdzDc)
(https://i.postimg.cc/RVrNBtJw/main-qimg-37789866a82a3ea899da406e8caf06bf-lq.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MXDW0vDG)post image (https://postimages.org/)
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on May 04, 2023, 05:48:28 PMI still love old Far Side jokes. Here's one of my favorites
(https://i.postimg.cc/C1W9RSb6/main-qimg-a233184ffb9b3fb5a5cf801f2373d7c1-lq.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/bD9mMXCQ)
I love The Far Side. Larson was just brilliant!
Gary Larson was genius
(https://i.postimg.cc/G3NY4PbH/main-qimg-975cd41c4c05213ef9fc734532c8acc6-lq.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7b3bc2Gk)
.
.
I asked my doctor for some advice on how to lose weight.
He said "just don't eat anything fatty"
I said "you mean like chips, cake, etc?"
He said "No, just don't eat anything, fatty!"
I just bought a new Christmas tree.
My wife asked "are you going to put it up yourself?"
I said "no, I was thinking of putting it in the living room..."
My girlfriend's dog died yesterday. She was really sad, so I went out and got her an identical one. She said "What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs?"
My grief counselor died yesterday, but he was so good I don't even care.
Our friend Dave drowned in a boating accident. For the funeral we bought a wreath in the shape of a life preserver. It's what he would've wanted.
I was woken up last night by the sound of vomiting from my upstairs neighbor who's bulimic. I shouted "Hey, keep it down!"
My half brother and I are no longer allowed to play with chainsaws.
.
.
I liked this
Everywhere I go, the cashier now asks if I want the receipt. There must be a huge anticipated savings in receipt paper. Especially at CVS with their 3 yards of coupons. Was a law passed in NJ to ask if the customer wants the receipt?
Quote from: Ed Vette on May 14, 2023, 08:42:27 AMEverywhere I go, the cashier now asks if I want the receipt. There must be a huge anticipated savings in receipt paper. Especially at CVS with their 3 yards of coupons. Was a law passed in NJ to ask if the customer wants the receipt?
At the grocery store I always say "No, unless someone is going to accuse me of stealing as I leave the store".
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A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new maternity machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. ... But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. All was going well until they arrived home and found the milkman was lying dead on the porch..
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For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity - as well as the idiosyncrasies of English: -
1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila ...... Floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "Get Away From It All?"
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. Why do shops have signs, 'Guide Dogs Only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?
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Quote from: AZGiantFan on July 11, 2023, 03:17:47 PM(https://www.smokingmeatforums.com/attachments/347427690_645169460972716_5875759463423649055_n-jpg.670366/)
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Your finest work! =))
Quote from: Ed Vette on July 11, 2023, 03:56:00 PMYour finest work! =))
As is always the case, I get these from elsewhere and curate a selection. I enjoy them and I'm glad you do too.
12 LESSONS YOU'VE LEARNED SINCE BECOMING A SENIOR
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - "In Style" means the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
#6 - "On time" is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound..
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will..
. . . Plus one more
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
--------------------------------------------
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes
Some good stuff in there, Rich - most of it really true. It has some advantages, I suppose. For instance, I wanted to watch the second season of "Lincoln Lawyer". But I said to myself, "I need to refresh myself about the first season (which I raved about and told others to watch it) and I discovered that it was almost like watching it for the first time ~X( I barely remembered any of it. Second season seems pretty good, but they only give you the first 5 episodes. I'll probably have to watch that over again before plowing into the second half of the season when it finally drops
Getting old sucks
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on July 19, 2023, 09:53:06 AMSome good stuff in there, Rich - most of it really true. It has some advantages, I suppose. For instance, I wanted to watch the second season of "Lincoln Lawyer". But I said to myself, "I need to refresh myself about the first season (which I raved about and told others to watch it) and I discovered that it was almost like watching it for the first time ~X( I barely remembered any of it. Second season seems pretty good, but they only give you the first 5 episodes. I'll probably have to watch that over again before plowing into the second half of the season when it finally drops
Getting old sucks
That's why I only watch series that have ended.
Jack had just completed his round. He was sitting in the locker room changing when he answered a call.
"Hi honey, how was your round today?"
"Great," Jack answers. "The best round I ever played."
"That's great!" the voice on the other end said. 'The reason I am calling is there's a Prada handbag on sale. It's still expensive, but I have always wanted one.
"Get it. Put it on my credit card," Jack responds.
"Oh, thank you!" she responds.
"You know what, why don't you go to the Mercedes dealership and get that new car you want?" Jack added.
Astounded, she says, "You're in for an extra special treat when you get home."
Feeling empowered, she goes on...
"Honey, can we talk about that trip to Italy we have dreamed about since we got married?"
"I agree, call our travel agent and book it," Jack responded. "Reserve first class tickets and book 5-star hotels, too. We earned it."
The woman was astounded! They hang up and Jack continues to change and a few other members walk into the locker room.
Jack stands up and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Too soon?
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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
.
Quote from: Ed Vette on July 23, 2023, 08:57:27 AM.
Good one Ed. Boy did I hear that song a ton of times when our grandkids were younger.
Lol
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https://twitter.com/LakewoodPDCO/status/1689051245867409411?
If true, that's just crazy!!
Quote from: ozzie on August 10, 2023, 04:56:35 PMIf true, that's just crazy!!
It's true, I heard it on the news before seeing the pictures
(https://i.imgur.com/QGcmDdn.jpeg)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/FRJpMGQ6/main-qimg-d7bc4dbd1482766450a91f160253994c.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/bDp1bxr0)
Gosh it has been a long time, so try some of these on for a few chuckles
a few more
still some more
welcome back
Good ones Lenn!
Zing
I've saved up a few more
Some great words of wisdom
.
I'm emptying out the vault
more
I don't know where you find these Lenn, but they're hysterical!
.
A drunk is walking down the street and bumps into a cop.
The drunk says, "Man, they stole my car."
The cop says, "Well where was it?"
The drunk says, "Right on the end of this key."
The cop says, "You better to go down to the precinct and they'll fill out all the proper paperwork, but before you do that you better zip up your pants."
The drunk looks down and says, "Ah man, they got my girl too.
.
.
.
(https://i.postimg.cc/9M4tqnHq/main-qimg-451cf787f490f618217bc071c5c10d4e.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/Nj1nKLkw/355453119-744821054316613-3476978894833184189-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZnB74q52/67397156-2288008381266920-7822343225179373568-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Weekend funnies
words to be wise about
.
True
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Funnies for a Tuesday afternoon
More 'Words of Wisdom' ???????
.
Funnies
Is this the future?
A few more
Since the Giants aren't on, we need something else to make us laugh
We need more things to laugh about
I was arrested by the Fashion Police. They said I had criminal ties.
Did you know the guy who invented the door knocker? He won the no-bell prize.
I suffer from an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
My cell phone accidentally took 10 minutes of video of my shoes.
It was some pretty good footage.
Some wet weather funnies
(https://i.postimg.cc/PqVrxdwR/main-qimg-0a07f41b228d8ddb87f886dd3f2674da.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/cJC0PPbM/main-qimg-38c7fd616e082648fc1a614a0a3df72b.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
.
getting older Cutties
Mid week funnies
.
.
Every day I get hit by the same bicycle. It's a vicious cycle! 😀
(https://preview.redd.it/l2mg6197vltb1.png?width=894&auto=webp&s=dfccffd15c19af169a86ddda0975d0e321351db5)
.
.
pre weekend funnies
Reminds me of these three guys Lenn
(https://i.postimg.cc/rpymyZFz/Dewey-Cheatem-And-Howe-Attorneys-At-Law-The-Three-Stooges-Framed-On-Paper-Print.webp)
(https://i.postimg.cc/Hnf0mFq7/772216-1697335926862.jpg)
HAHA, you've got to be on your toes for that second one.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(https://i.postimg.cc/FKtn3RFs/LH2jrqv.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/QCbR3tHb/772712-1697900059912.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/RZQDCcJ6/773059-IMG-1456.jpg)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/GtW2Hbnm/773110-1698349074823.jpg)
Hmmm
There is a new restaurant called Karma. They don't give you a menu. You only get what you deserve.😆
An elderly man rear-ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car" he yells. You're gonna give me $10,000 right now or I'm gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!"
"Oh my", says the old man, I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he'll know what to do."
"Dolphins", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son, and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?
Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I'm gonna beat you AND your old man to a bloody pulp".
"I'll be there in 10 minutes, says the voice calmly on the other end".
Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the side of the road.
When he's finished, he walks over to his father and says: "For the LAST TIME dad... I train SEALS... NAVY SEALS... NOT dolphins"
Funny signs
Maybe a bit racy, nah, it's just fummy
Weekend funnies
More words of wisdom
A shark can swim faster than a human.
A human can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathalon, it comes down to which is a better cyclist.
A new batch
a few maybe new ones
Weekend funnies--signs we all love
Mid week funnies
I read a book on helium. I couldn't put it down.
I took a picture of a wheat field. The picture came out grainy.
A truck full of Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. The area was congestion free for eight hours.
(https://i.postimg.cc/25cyCRgK/IMG-3546.jpg)
.
A Rodney. My parents moved when i was 3 but i found them.
Quote from: GIANTS1 on December 22, 2023, 06:31:30 AMA Rodney. My parents moved when i was 3 but i found them.
Rodney was great. "I went to the doctor and told him my wife has VD and he gave himself a shot"..."I tipped the cabbie 20 bucks and said, 'take me to the easiest place to get laid' and he dropped me off in front of my house"..."I told my shrink that 'everybody hates me' and he said, 'oh nonsense, everyone doesn't even know you'"..."I was kidnapped as a kid. The kidnapper cut off my finger and sent it to my father...my father said he wanted more proof"..."I called my doctor and told him I took a bottle of sleeping pills and wanted to know what to do, he said,'have a stiff drink and take a nap'" I get no respect!
Holiday funnies
In the 'keep giving A's to students who don't deserve it' department
More 'A' students works
Some extra humor for Christmas Day
Memories of a time when things were a bit easier
(https://i.postimg.cc/R0QP19N1/IMG-3607.jpg)
More silly humor
and another
Midweek funnies.
Some of these have been around for a while, but they are good enough to laugh at them
Great advice for us older folks on the real world.
Some morning imponderables to ponder... FOR THE NEW YEAR
01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
05. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
08. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
09. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but
pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!
10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.
14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.
15. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
17. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.
18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
Last funnies of the year
More A student's work
post Christmas humor
(https://i.postimg.cc/CxhZ48zp/779091-1704646056438.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/DZknxVB4/779094-1704648022035.jpg)
Lets start the week off
This could actually go in the "What are we watching" thread
(https://i.postimg.cc/kXqK0ZVP/z-Clipboard01.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hhZXx2b2)
A man is driving down the road with a bunch of penguins in the back seat of his car. The police stop him and tell the man that he cannot drive down the road with that many penguins in his car, it's illegal. They inform him that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo right away. He is pulled over again the following day by the same police officer when the officer notices all the penguins still in the man's car. He says to the man, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" to which the man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Lenn, that joke is so corny - it's funny only because it's so bad :doh:
=))
A true oldie but still a goodie
A blonde gets on a plane bound for Chicago and leaves her seat in economy to sit in first class. When the flight attendant tells her she has to go back to economy because she didn't pay for a first class ticket, the blonde says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here in this seat." The flight attendant and the blonde repeat this process a few times before the attendant gets the pilot. The same thing happens to the pilot when he tries to talk to the blonde. He goes back to the cockpit and begins to radio the tower for assistance when the co-pilot asks him to wait just a second. "I'm married to a blonde," he tells the captain. "I speak blonde, let me handle it." He goes up to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she said, "Oh, I'm so sorry," before getting up and going back to her economy seat. "How did you do that?" his colleagues ask him. "Easy. I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on January 12, 2024, 11:54:03 AMLenn, that joke is so corny - it's funny only because it's so bad :doh:
=))
Ha, Ric. If it brought a smile to your face it was worth it. <:-P <:-P <:-P
Makes perfect sense--right?
Yeah, mnemonics never really worked very well for me either....
(https://i.postimg.cc/cC0537TL/779360-1704911331912.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/9MtLcRV5/779774-1705276705946.jpg)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/BQtBVw8G/779477-1705066462675.jpg)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/GhYxRTjM/779831-FB-IMG-1705336439572.jpg)
I don't know if this is funny or a real life reality check:-??
(https://i.postimg.cc/Ss72vtMr/zzzzzzzzzzzf0f78364f678831.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DJ0wW65J)
(https://i.postimg.cc/QCBgFBQp/zzzzzzzzzzzz.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/xjkXJPQT/779494-IMG-4190.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/Dwh0NkX8/779881-1705373578999.jpg)
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Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise
not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...
Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.
On the day of their son's 21st birthday, the father decides to take his son for his first official real drink as an adult. So they go to the local pub, where the father proudly puts the head on the bar and orders two shots of the finest. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing, but goes and gets the drinks.
The father takes the drinks, cheers the glasses together, and takes down his shot while pouring it into his son's mouth. Lo and behold, the head starts wiggling and shaking and suddenly, dramatically, it sprouts an entire torso!!
"What the hell!?", screams the dad... "Bartender!! Two more shots!!"
And they do it again, and the torso and head start wiggling and shaking and BOOM, the son sprouts two arms!!
"Unbelievable!!", screams the dad... "Two more shots!!!"
And this time, of course, the son, delirious with happiness, does his own shot... and the subsequent shaking and wiggling leads to him instantly sprouting two legs!!
"Two more shots!!", screams the dad!!
"Holy ****!! Wait!!", screams the son, "Look! I can walk!! I can run!!" -- and with that, the son goes running out the door, straight into traffic, and gets obliterated by a bus.
"Hmmm... ", says the bartender... "Should've quit while he was a head."
A few for a snowy day
Pay particular attention to the last one
Subject: Definitions for today!
�
�BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS: The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: A pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have... similar to my character lines.
OLD: I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
That, my friend, is the definition of OLD!
funnies for a very cold day
What we used to refer to as 'Groaners'
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
And a bunch of pithy thoughts to start your day
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
Humor for the new week
Got a new crop
A few more
That one with the golf club is 100% true - that is, if I was hitting it. I could buy a house with the money I've wasted hitting golf balls into the water :crazy:
I have to imagine the marketing person who chose this advertisement got fired...or should have been
(https://i.postimg.cc/90S34Wq6/Bad-place-for-their-advertising-campaign.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/g0jSnK8L/188757596-10224443170696645-2568880170037820491-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/SQCZ2R2d/84072541-10220720306947378-6474759607850893312-n.jpg)
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Some weekend funnies
saw this the other day.
The lions hate the packers so much they refuse to play for the Lombardi trophy.
(https://i.postimg.cc/ydjVVFjv/421883584-361801633324869-3594469945526694253-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/435CtXc3/417427202-10161203087809146-4645170915282883661-n.jpg)
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We all remember Peanuts and Charles Schultz.
Here are a few of his 'works' that may not be funny, but get the point across in a very cute way
(https://i.postimg.cc/9MtPRNhr/main-qimg-73d93e516829474c8624765718c1ecf8.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
Weekend goodies
No more football rehab 101
NO SPEAK ENGLISH !
A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his hometown.
The poor lady didn't speak English but was able to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose
whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to
buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her
request so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted
up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave
her chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she
didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and
unbuttoned Her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her
husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you Thinking?
Her husband speaks English....hellooo!
I worry about you!
Mid week funnies
An oldie, but goodie
(https://i.postimg.cc/Vsb59jnM/zzzzzzzzzzz-2.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
To start the weekend
The real circle of life
(https://i.postimg.cc/rpWst5rN/main-qimg-e6157281e262c302e82f0d7134de950e.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/06kPTMZz)
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Where can I get a bag like that!?!
Quote from: ozzie on February 21, 2024, 08:50:35 AMWhere can I get a bag like that!?!
Dig a large hole that fits a box about four feet high and wide enough to fit a woman. Then any bag will do.
My obese parrot died today. I miss him but it's a big weight off my shoulder.😆
Maybe not as humerous but plenty of meanings and good feelings.
(https://i.redd.it/02zeqy5fhdkc1.jpeg)
When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Oops
More weekend funnies
(https://i.postimg.cc/xjxhvcxP/428616279-6912620242198456-5366593397014747423-n.jpg)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/kML3r2Qg/429765221-7793443443999178-2918016732596614078-n.jpg)
More for the weekend
You have to be really old to appreciate these
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(https://i.postimg.cc/y8J4W1Rj/417561000-7367828873283813-650995611038134166-n.jpg)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/8zL4ZxgD/418805941-1062128541745843-7646154624209455740-n.jpg)
Subject: FW: : Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
It's always better to get a second opinion.
(https://i.postimg.cc/t4jTcQNR/430904650-752921990269483-3667673430117806003-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/VkgYHSN4/431324132-10163289202744307-7578809994708673821-n.jpg)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/DZcLv9qn/431186554-437982145461824-2166461707863214592-n.jpg)
My friend Brian's job took him to a new town. On a whim, he attended church one Sunday morning and found himself seated beside a very attractive lady who had just finished conducting Sunday School. Brian, never one to die wondering, whispered to the lady, "Would you come out to dinner with me one night?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady whispered back.
Brian was a happy man and arranged to pick her up a couple of nights later. He found the best restaurant to take her to. As they made themselves comfortable, he asked, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh gosh no," she replied, "how would I ever explain that to my Sunday School class?"
That set Brian back a bit but he left things lie until after dinner. When they went out to his car, he reached into the glovebox, produced some marijuana and asked: "Do you indulge?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
As he drove the lady home, they passed a motel. Although rebuffed on two prior occasions, Brian tried his luck again. "What do you reckon, want to spend a night with me in this motel?"
"Oh yes!" she replied enthusiastically. "Let's do it!"
Brian was mildly surprised but swung around in a U-turn and entered the motel. That night they enjoyed the most sensational sex Brian had ever known! In the morning, still in wonderment, he woke her gently and whispered in her ear, "You are incredible but I must ask you something. Whatever will you tell your Sunday School class?"
She rolled over, stretched languorously and smiled at him. "What I always tell them, 'You don't need drinks and drugs to have a good time.' "
Some new weekend funnies
Grandma stuff
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Funnies
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just saw this Following a game in which 2 streakers ran across the field Yogi Berra was asked if they were male or female. He said i dont know they had bags over their heads.
My resume
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job, and too many people hemmed and hawed about the price.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a Footwear Factory. Tried hard but found I just wasn't a shoe-in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks. But I had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. So, I tried retirement and found I'm PERFECT for the job.
2) Murphy's Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Florida would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Mid week funnies
Evolution of woman's underwear
A few weekend funnies
A doctor tells his blonde patient that she needs to lose a little bit of weight for her health. He tells her that his recommendation is that she eats regularly for two days, skips a day and then repeats the procedure for two weeks. He then tells her that she will lose at least five pounds by the time she comes to his office again. The next time he sees her, she's nearly 20 pounds lighter. "That's amazing! Did you follow my instructions?" the doctor asks. "Yes, she said. But I really thought I was going to die," she says. "From hunger?" the doctor asks. "No, from skipping," the blonde replies.
Ta-Dum
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A few more
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBZV4hkUk4E&t=41s
THE LAWYER
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home.
No one would rent a home to him when he said he had 12 children because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).
Getting ready to view other properties, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right.
The agent asked:" How many children do you have?"
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one has only to arrange the circumstances.
A real oldie
A man is driving down the road with a bunch of penguins in the back seat of his car. The police stop him and tell the man that he cannot drive down the road with that many penguins in his car, it's illegal. They inform him that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo right away. He is pulled over again the following day by the same police officer when the officer notices all the penguins still in the man's car. He says to the man, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" to which the man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Quote from: LennG on April 04, 2024, 08:01:32 PMA real oldie
A man is driving down the road with a bunch of penguins in the back seat of his car. The police stop him and tell the man that he cannot drive down the road with that many penguins in his car, it's illegal. They inform him that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo right away. He is pulled over again the following day by the same police officer when the officer notices all the penguins still in the man's car. He says to the man, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" to which the man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
😩
Yes, an oldie but a goodie :ok:
Total Eclipse
Some funny lines
He Said/ She Said
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Weekend funnies
a few 'new' ones
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,'
he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise
you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he asks her....
'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?
I get Lenn's joke, but it still reminds me of the earliest video on the internet back in the 80's, "Combo Number 5"
Today's memes and musical cartoons are far more sophisticated then way back then...can't believe we laughed so hard at something so new and creative...lol
Both yours and mine would be so politically incorrect today that there would probably be protests about them.
Still funny though.
We need some humor to take on the draft
A bit naughty so beware
Unfortunately, 3 nuns got hit by a car and died, they entered the gates of heaven. There was an angel to greet them. The angel said to the nuns you need to answer a few questions before you can enter.
So the angel asked one of the nuns who was the first woman born on earth. The nun said Eve- the angel said correct you may enter the gates of heaven.
Next question to the second nun, where did she live, the nun answered the Garden of Eden- correct please enter.
The angel said to the next nun who was the Mother Superior, your question will be a bit more difficult because you are the Mother Superior - what did Eve say to Adam when she saw him? The Mother Superior said why that is a hard one.
The angel said that is the correct answer you may enter..
Truisms
Still trying to get my head around the fact that the words 'Take-Out' can mean food, a date, or murder.
To the paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what's your plan?
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the 'cool table' of the patients' cafeteria in a mental hospital.
You know you're over 50 when you have 'upstairs Tylenol' and 'downstairs Tylenol'.
I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...and then I was born.
An Obituary printed in the London Times
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
A few more of those 'truisms'
When I lost two fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I'd still be able to write with it. He said, "Possibly, but I wouldn't count on it."
I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise daily. But that was five hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars come out at once from a vending machine.
We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.
The biggest joke on humans is that computers have begun asking us to prove we aren't robots.
Quote from: LennG on April 29, 2024, 12:26:46 PMA few more of those 'truisms'
We live in a time when intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.
That is so true, yet hardly a joke or something to laugh at...it's more like a crying shame :'(
Quote from: LennG on April 29, 2024, 12:26:46 PMWe live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on April 29, 2024, 03:29:21 PMThat is so true, yet hardly a joke or something to laugh at...it's more like a crying shame :'(
I know this stemmed from a joke, but I'm not totally on-board with this complaint. Is it really a recent thing? I know I've offended plenty of of people over the years with my jokes ;) . And while I do see a bit of a rise in people's sensitivity over the past bunch of years, I'm also seeing more and more people who are just looking for things to be mad about. And in too many cases looking to be told what to be mad about. School lunches, participation trophies, off-color jokes are all examples of largely made up wedge issues aimed to divide us, imo. Those pushing these wedge issues actually piss me off more than the "issues" themselves. I feel there's more than enough actual things to be concerned about in this world, without heaping someone else's agenda on top.
Now, I'd better shut my yap before I offend my friends here. ;)
I am so offended... =)) =))
Comedians today that DON'T tow the line, are in great demand and are thriving
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't xxxx with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I love these touching stories!
'Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.'
Brief pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and he may be dead.'
Long Pause
A Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?....Is this 486-5731?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number....'
Those last two were a hoot!
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife
has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man
just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said – my
boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks ...how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds
the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
a new bunch of 'truisms'
When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".
If Adam and Eve had been really smart, they'd have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
We celebrated our anniversary last night with a couple of adult beverages ..Metamucil and Ensure.
Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
After watching how some people wore their covid masks, I understand why contraception devices fail.
Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they're making a male version ...it doesn't listen to anything.
Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly ...next week: Turn Signals.
Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange." I said, "No, it doesn't."
The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again.
🌈Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.
🌈When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
🌈Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."
🌈Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done
🌈If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.
🌈Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
🌈Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
🌈Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.
🌈So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
🌈If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
🌈Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
🌈Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
🌈You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.
🌈Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
"🌈On time" is, when you get there.
🌈Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
🌈It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.
🌈Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
"🌈One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
15 times smart people said dumb things
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mid week funnies
Saw a picture of Eli. Said he chose to not go to the Brady roast. He didn't want to do it a third time.
2 men were on the morning train and one of them pulls out a picture an says this is my beautiful wife. The other fella says if you think she's beautiful you should see my wife. Why is she super hot also? No she's an optometrist.
Signs of the weekend
some mid-week chuckles
Subject: : Your Annual Dementia Test – for NSW Driver's license from 2024. - All the Socialist Republic States of Australia to follow.
Your Yearly Dementia Test! (only 4 questions this year)
This one has some different questions than last year.
Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen driving test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.
If you don't use it, you will lose it !!
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've answered.
Q. 1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and do something else.
And try not to hurt yourself:
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
Q 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World.
However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question 3.
Q. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said, 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? - PLEASE, go and lie down ! But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
Q. 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:
You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi at Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus. At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on. At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. You then arrive at Changi.
Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver ?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud !
Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!
Sad but true.
The earth is like a guy who knows exactly where to stand by the bonfire.
New week funnies
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and enjoyed a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
Just then, my wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "Just thinking" is because if I'd said that, she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
(https://i.postimg.cc/q7cQ6Dtg/main-qimg-edb4c9c01ec83910aa39ba90b3010661.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
A few while I was gone
(https://i.redd.it/5tgtsa6ylb5d1.jpeg)
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
After sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.
This was a public service announcement.
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What the hell happened at this beach to necessitate this sign.
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WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
... PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL or HOCKEY!!!!!.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
An old blind cowboy walks into a female biker bar one day. He then asks after he takes a shot of Jack Daniels, would anyone here like to hear a blonde joke? The bartender says to him listen man I know you're blind so let me explain something to you. I'm a 6 foot three blonde with a baseball bat, to your left is a blonde who has a black belt in karate, to your right is a 250 pound blonde with the mean attitude, over there by the pool table is a blonde with a concealed handgun, and over at that barstool across the bar is a blonde with a death wish. Now, would you really wanna tell that blonde joke? The old cowboy thinks for a minute and then responds, "No, I don't wanna have to explain it five times."
Some new funnies
Friday thoughts
But it's Thursday. Easy to tell you're retired. ;)
Quote from: Sem on June 27, 2024, 03:26:25 PMBut it's Thursday. Easy to tell you're retired. ;)
When I retired a good friend told me something I always repeat.
When you are retired everyday is a Saturday except Sunday.
Quote from: LennG on June 28, 2024, 01:05:09 PMWhen I retired a good friend told me something I always repeat.
When you are retired everyday is a Saturday except Sunday.
Yeah, I retired nearly two years ago and have come to embrace that philosophy.
OK today is Friday (right) so here are a few for TGIF
I have more
That gender studies is spot on! And it's not only boys that check out girlie mags...or the old Playgirl mags
A blonde and a redhead own a large farm and were partners in it. They discovered one day that their bull was missing so they had to replace the bull. The redhead told the blonde that she will go into town and try to find a bowl for a price that they could afford, they only had $500 and as it turns out all of the quotes were for $500 or more. The redhead went through all the resources and finally found a bull for the price of $499 so it left her with only one dollar in her pocket. She went to the telegraph office to send a telegram but found out that it's one dollar per word. She was going to send a telegram to the blonde so that she can meet her at the telegraph office with a pick up truck and a trailer to pick up the bull. However, she didn't have enough money to send a telegram. She thought for a minute and then decided that she would settle on one word , that word was comfortable. The telegraph operator said how would she know to bring the pick up truck and the trailer just by the word comfortable? The redhead said she's a blonde and she reads slow. Come for ta bull.
Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!
"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
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I posted this on another thread, but it deserves to be seen by anyone who wasn't following that particular thread. It's one of the funniest videos I've ever seen, but then again, my sense of humor might be a little warped. Anyway
Defining Occupations As They Actually Are
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go somewhere you don't like in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on July 17, 2024, 11:57:04 AMI posted this on another thread, but it deserves to be seen by anyone who wasn't following that particular thread. It's one of the funniest videos I've ever seen, but then again, my sense of humor might be a little warped. Anyway
That's a classic.
My computer was on the fritz so I couldn't get into some of my funnies, but all is well now so here are a new bunch.
The years do make a difference
A few more 'funny' ones
I guess it is all relevant)
Just got this. A real oldie but still a goodie
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Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on July 18, 2024, 03:52:04 PMDefining Occupations As They Actually Are
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go somewhere you don't like in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
I like those. Here are a couple more.
Salesman - A person who can make you buy exactly what he wants you to buy, and you think it was your idea.
Engineers - A group of people who can design a Nuclear Reactor but can't invent tangle free Christmas lights.
Athlete - A person who doesn't know any more about sports than you do but won a genetic lottery at birth.
Senator - A lawyer who's sole function is to make life better for the people. He of course, is people #1.
Accountant - A person who when asked what is 2 + 2 answers with, "What do you want it to be?"
weekend funnies
I'll be away for a week so here are a few more
Making up for lost time
(https://i.postimg.cc/QCfW3FVM/453389103-122159237330136702-3142804088398192371-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/tRk6PMDH/452308027-122156924546166878-7141765527465483585-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/pXdFBJ15/432103276-7269057439795936-2420175730624857025-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/hGVzGyh6/453630952-337788316070722-7187186415441990193-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/DZFW4rXZ/main-qimg-0e8aebc7d6bf378a5e84419aada2ec23.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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In Ancient Rome there were basically 4 types of poisons. Poisons I II & III would kill you quickly.
Poison IV would just make you itchy.
A friend purchased two goldfish.
I said "what do you call them?"
He said "one and two"
I replied "those are strange names"
He said "not really, if one dies I still have two."
What do you call babies born in a whore house?
Brothel sprouts.
I went to the "World's tiniest wind turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
I didn't do a marathon in 2020. I didn't do any in 2021, 2022, and 2023 either.
It's a running joke.
A guy bought two horses but he couldn't tell them apart so he decided to measure them. He found that the white horse was three inches taller than the black horse.
I was in the card section of the store the other day to find a nice "Get Better Soon" card for my tennis partner.
He's not sick.
I just hope he gets better. Soon.
I always promise to have just 2 beers and be home by 10.
Then my dyslexia kicks in.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Quote from: Sem on August 12, 2024, 02:20:59 PMIn Ancient Rome there were basically 4 types of poisons. Poisons I II & III would kill you quickly.
Poison IV would just make you itchy.
A friend purchased two goldfish.
I said "what do you call them?"
He said "one and two"
I replied "those are strange names"
He said "not really, if one dies I still have two."
What do you call babies born in a whore house?
Brothel sprouts.
I went to the "World's tiniest wind turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
I didn't do a marathon in 2020. I didn't do any in 2021, 2022, and 2023 either.
It's a running joke.
A guy bought two horses but he couldn't tell them apart so he decided to measure them. He found that the white horse was three inches taller than the black horse.
I was in the card section of the store the other day to find a nice "Get Better Soon" card for my tennis partner.
He's not sick.
I just hope he gets better. Soon.
I always promise to have just 2 beers and be home by 10.
Then my dyslexia kicks in.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
You're banned from telling jokes for one week.
That's fine Ed. It'll take me longer than a week to find more gems like these. ;)
We're back with a few new ones (I hope)
(https://i.postimg.cc/DZkcR0ps/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzlittle-head.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
If you think Steve had some 'groaners' try these out
Since it's that season, here's a couple
(https://i.postimg.cc/d3nXw5Bc/zzzxzzzxzzz.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/0yz31dKh/When-reality-is-worse-than-fiction.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zy1pnhjk)
funny
weekend laughs
First--Remember
i heard that the last verse of sweet child of mine was like your beatles joke. guns an roses got to last verse an said "where do we go now" and it stuck an made up the last verse.
If my Body Were a Car!
This is just so funny - scary how true it is!!!
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it.
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires !
--
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZnBzwKks/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzxzzzzzzzzzzz.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/ZYVLcFjQ/zzzzzzzzzzzzz6580606-122168603486220785-3071601392191126881-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Hj85WMq0)
This picture really needs the old floor dimmer switch to be complete, but whatever
(https://i.postimg.cc/wMmD5P28/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz56510049-122117577188390142-4069661927882123087-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
For Lenn
(https://i.postimg.cc/qvmgCtHZ/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz456451710-360869173748819-2326327355494094236-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
How many people does it take to fold up a baby stroller?
Hilarious
How about some pre Christmas humor, or not
Some 'new' humor
took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.
My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.
At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.
" The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.
" We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.
QuoteMy wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book
Classic =))
Been a few weeks or so, but here are a few new ones or, I think they are new)
I'm a VERY sentimental person (I am) and Charles Schultz got it right all the time
A few more
A great one, at least I think so,
I don't know if these qualify as "jokes", but here they are anyway
THE REAL STAGES OF LIFE
(https://i.postimg.cc/vH4dbGvp/3-stages-of-life.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/YqTBSTnj/3-stages-of-life2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/w75Gf4dd)
.
This one might be a little on the sick side
https://www.facebook.com/reel/948621833738401
When kids ask the million dollar question and unprepared, vs prepared
UNPREPARED
A little boy , ask his mom, Mom "where did I come from???" Mom thought for second,, I guess he's old enough to tell him, she started with Dad and her went to the bedroom, and 9 months later he was born!!! Then she asked, "why did you want to know?" To his reply, "cuz Billy said he was from Pennsylvania"!!
PREPARED
(https://i.postimg.cc/G2pDnSVK/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on September 29, 2024, 07:48:42 PMThis one might be a little on the sick side
https://www.facebook.com/reel/948621833738401
:surrender: :surrender: :surrender: :surrender: :surrender: :surrender:
Good one
A Jewish man decides his son isn't Jewish enough, so he pays for him to visit Israel.
When the son comes back however, he announces that he's now a Christian. The father goes to a friend and tells him the story. His friend says, "Thats funny, last year I sent my son to Israel and he too came back Christian.
The two men decide they need to speak to their Rabbi about it, but when they explain the situation, the Rabbi says, "That's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel and he also came back a Christian.
The three men decide that only God can have the answer, so they pray. The Rabbi says aloud, "Dear God, the three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all three came back Christian."
God's voice booms down, "That's funny..."
weekend funnies
Some 'older' funnies
Good one (may be old, but still funny)
A guy is walking down the streets of Vegas as he wonders upon this beautiful Hooker. He asks her how much for a hand job? She says $500. He says, no way. No hand job is worth that. She says, come here, do you see that hotel, and the one down the street and the one two blocks further? I own those hotels because I give the best hand jobs in the city. He's says wow, ok let's give it a whirl. They go to a local hotel and he's can't believe how great that hand job was. He asks, how much for a blow job? She says $1500. He again says no way. She says, come here and look out that window to the casino across the street. I own that casino by giving the best blow jobs around. He thinks about it and decides to go for it. He's in Ecstasy and asks her how much for some pussy? She says, $5000. He says, that's crazy. She says, look out that window and what do you see? He says, You own the entire city??
She says, I would if I had a pussy.
Quote from: Ed Vette on October 10, 2024, 10:35:57 AMA guy is walking down the streets of Vegas as he wonders upon this beautiful Hooker. He asks her how much for a hand job? She says $500. He says, no way. No hand job is worth that. She says, come here, do you see that hotel, and the one down the street and the one two blocks further? I own those hotels because I give the best hand jobs in the city. He's says wow, ok let's give it a whirl. They go to a local hotel and he's can't believe how great that hand job was. He asks, how much for a blow job? She says $1500. He again says no way. She says, come here and look out that window to the casino across the street. I own that casino by giving the best blow jobs around. He thinks about it and decides to go for it. He's in Ecstasy and asks her how much for some pussy? She says, $5000. He says, that's crazy. She says, look out that window and what do you see? He says, You own the entire city??
She says, I would if I had a pussy.
=))
mid week funnies
Christmas edition
Ronald Reagan can still tell a joke.
I've heard this before, only not politicians, but lawyers
Friday funnies
Politicians
A politician visits a remote northern Native American reservation. With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the politician asks the chief if there was anything they need.
"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic but no doctor to man it."
The politician whips out their cellphone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few weeks. Now what was the second problem?"
"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for dozens of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."
Once again,the politician dials a number, yells into their cellphone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"
The chief looks at the politician and says, "We have no cellphone reception up here!"
OOPS!
(https://i.postimg.cc/LsQFvht1/463949399-10236921651808857-899036488247448086-n.jpg)
Weekend humor
Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol! "Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. "If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
A farmer buys a new rooster when his old one can't perform anymore.
As soon as he gets it home, the new rooster has his way with all the hens.
The farmer is pretty impressed.
After lunch the rooster has his way with all the hens again.
The next day, the new rooster has his way with all the ducks and geese.
Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster lying on the ground with vultures circling overhead.
The farmer shakes his head and says, "You deserve it after what you've done."
The rooster opens one eye and says, "Shhhh, they're about to land."
I started carrying around a stone, so I can throw it at anyone who tries to play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
It's my jingle bell rock.
The past tense of William Shakespeare would be Wouldiwas Shookspeared.
Someone broke into my house again last night.
This time they stole 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
weekend funnies
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Florida would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Quote from: LennG on November 12, 2024, 06:12:37 PM12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
I like that one. It kind of reminds me of another one...
Show a man how to light a fire and he will be warm for a day.
Light a man on fire and he will be warm the rest of is life.
Quote6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
One of my favorite scenes
some weekend funnies (I hope)
memories
Our house was broken into and they took my limbo stick. How low can they go?
Well, I guess I'm never going caroling at the psych hospital ever again.
In hindsight, I suppose it was a poor choice to sing "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, The Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-Square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was a pretty smart cat, but the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was really good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up picked up a 500ml graduated cylinder, walked over to the fridge, took out a liter of milk, got a 300 ml glass from the cupboard, measured and poured exactly 275 ml of milk into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good too. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers comp, and went home on sick leave.
(https://i.postimg.cc/6Qhg19WZ/00000000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
I am one of those people who don't recognize this...please enlighten me. You guys are making me feel young...lol
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on November 25, 2024, 07:35:34 PM(https://i.postimg.cc/6Qhg19WZ/00000000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
I am one of those people who don't recognize this...please enlighten me. You guys are making me feel young...lol
OK YOUNGSTER, back in the day, especially from people who sold things on their own, this 'thing' dispensed coins from 4 different denominations, like pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters to make change. If you wanted a Good Humor ice cream and it was 45 cents, you gave the guy a dollar and he clicked this little gadget and got you change. Again, this was more for people who sold things, not in stores, usually clipped to your belt.
You can still buy them
https://www.amazon.com/McGill-Nickel-Plated-Changer-Quarter-Barrels/dp/B0006HX1GC/ref=sr_1_3?adgrpid=1335907193980053&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.PZFky99CZDQRIIsP-iteSPR4np3yR2r49ZUIcRDNh_0JFc7N42qV-PThqD2lJBopq-AOfFdPIWOgR5gpspFusuYHmec2pTux4K5rQvqtR77LDb64-kO0xtBcq6mMUIRMQdJhh1NAxDcFit4Iwiv7bdus5nxEzuYGSwq4ZGq8XGVlNJ0QMS0QApwCGLkclIxwsFask3P-F9yNinUDhg4WDv0ExYNsc6kdzWE0T9m1uXy18onSGjORWOEabyY5tbdO18mIDESPpfAL2KUZh2n5mlhg3Kt5-464OkbhXTLrAjs.Fci4svrxm3otUVmKrn5eOsmLfvC0qG34a97im7w4aYU&dib_tag=se&hvadid=83494438568863&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=97203&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-83494550717058%3Aloc-190&hydadcr=10679_13481959&keywords=coin+belt+dispenser&qid=1732582063&sr=8-3
Oh yeah...I remember them on the waist of waitresses at the old diner. I thought it was part of a musical instrument....duhh
My dad owned a coffee/snack truck and used one of those coin changers every day. I think I may still have some spare parts in my garage.
Didn't the folks at the drive-in restaurants use those? I'm thinking the A&W drive-ins in particular. You could hear them coming long before you saw them. :laugh:
I may have posted this quick clip before, and if so apologies. But this still cracks me up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb0kiiB3O-o
i was a paper boy and had one of those change dispensers. thought i was a big shot. lol
Pre Thanksgiving funnies
I post it every year, but I'll do it again just because :-??
(https://i.postimg.cc/jjdqS83p/5c50750bc9ecce577d44fa4024164455.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/9DKHxBhb)
Weekend humor
SEX AND THE ELDERLY....
The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual
physical examination, the Doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband, "she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a hundred Times...What we have is
Blue Cross!"
Maybe to drown our sorrows
(https://i.postimg.cc/tgz50rHr/804476-IMG-8684.jpg)
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned 'This is powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,
please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."
When you're seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of
you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table..
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy..............who cares?
To get you into the holiday spirit....
(https://i.postimg.cc/G3NS7MRF/AA3079-F5-F475-4-E6-F-908-C-41-BB10-D6-E605.png)
The housemaid Helen asked her boss lady for a raise.
(https://i.postimg.cc/N0BZqJqZ/469695129-1300485131138341-744064176146993812-n.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
The boss lady asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Boss lady: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Boss lady: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Boss lady: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Boss lady: "Oh."
Boss lady: "The third reason is that I am better in bed than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the pool boy did
I think she got the message across...and got a raise
Saw this on another site.
When Googling his name, the most important letter to remember to use is the "R"
in Gary Oldman.
.
.
A salesman tried to sell me a casket the other day. That's the last thing I need.
I used to work as a dolphin interpreter. The fringe benefits weren't good but I eeeked out a living.
I heard a banana a day helps cleanse the colon. I didn't know you had to eat the banana.
Some saved up funnies
A 67 yr old man of significant wealth was sitting with a drop-dead gorgeous 19-year-old girl and holding hands. A fella walked up to him and asked, "how did you get a girlfriend like that?" he asked.
The man replied, "oh she's not my girlfriend, she's' my wife".
Stunned, the fella asked, "How did you get her in the first place?", to which the man replied, "I lied my age".
The fella laughed and asked, "what age did you tell her you were?".
The man replied, "I told her I was 97" (https://i.postimg.cc/bvYYdV92/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?
I sing in my car but only when it's in reverse. I'm a backup singer.
A hitchhiker had been trying to get a ride for hours with no luck. Finally, a car pulled to a stop. The hitcher ran up, threw his backpack in the back seat and climbed into the passenger seat.
"Hitching long? " the driver asked.
"Hours and no one even slowed down," was the reply.
"Boy, society has changed," the driver said. "People are so worried and scared now."
"I hear you," the hitcher said. "I think they're afraid of picking up a serial killer."
When the driver laughed, the hitcher asked, "Didn't you think about that when you picked me up?"
While still laughing, the driver said, "No way. I mean what are the odds of two serial killers being in the same car?"
In tribute to our late Weeze, I had this joke stashed away and thought about posting it, and then said why not? When it was put up many years ago, Weeze loved it.
Long ago, in the days of the Wild West, Weeze's great - grand daddywas a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learning something here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
Lenn i loved that joke. i told that to my son in laws group at a party a few years ago. nobody really laughed. in my group when i told it people were cracking up. later i talked to my son in law. he said most of us dont who wyatt earp is. generation thing i guess.
True story. In the 80s i use to coach youth hockey, i coached squirts which is 9 an 10 year olds. I had one of the kids riding with me to an out of town game. back then when you got so far from town you would lose the local radio station. so when it started fading i went in my casette box an said do you like The Doors. he looked at his door an then mine an said yeah there ok. laughed my butt off.
Quote from: GIANTS1 on January 11, 2025, 09:06:46 AMLenn i loved that joke. i told that to my son in laws group at a party a few years ago. nobody really laughed. in my group when i told it people were cracking up. later i talked to my son in law. he said most of us dont who wyatt earp is. generation thing i guess.
I had forgotten to add that that joke was posted many years ago and our late friend John loved it. I thought about posting it again and then said why not, Joh will laugh in heaven when he reads it again.
Three Nuns!!
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And 'poof' she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and 'poof' she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asked.
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
POLITICAL SMILES
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~Ronald Reagan~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.
~Kin Hubbard~
(https://scontent-iad3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/472141414_1317155279414690_3085485873591865411_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296_tt6&_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=aa7b47&_nc_ohc=Pw7r4GYtYIUQ7kNvgFhq5qd&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-2.xx&_nc_gid=APsENafuzEXecR-oiQWPOOa&oh=00_AYDnm1xzd-W8lojMihd-3-e7EmCjCLX_xBuOwckwM3xXgQ&oe=67903FF9)
weekend funnies (mostly for us 'older' folks)
YOGI BERRA'S TOP 35 QUOTES:
1. "It ain't over till it's over."
2. "It's deja vu all over again."
3. "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4."
4. "Never answer an anonymous letter."
5. "We made too many wrong mistakes."
6. "You can observe a lot by watching."
7. "The future ain't what it used to be."
8. "If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."
9. "It gets late early out here."
10. "If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them."
11. "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
12. "Pair up in threes."
13. "Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel."
14. "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."
15. "All pitchers are liars or crybabies."
16. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
17. "Bill Dickey is learning me his experience."
18. "He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."
19. "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
20. "I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don't understand is how he lost five."
Modal Trigger
Joe DiMaggio and Yogi Berra in 1955.
21. "I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads."
22. "I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary."
23. "I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."
24. "In baseball, you don't know nothing."
25. "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
26. "I never said most of the things I said."
27. "It ain't the heat, it's the humility."
28. "I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."
29. "I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I'd never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field."
30. "So I'm ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face."
31. "Take it with a grin of salt."
32. (On the 1973 Mets) "We were overwhelming underdogs."
33. "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
34. "You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."
35. "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
(Sources: Los Angeles Times, Baseball Almanac, Baseball Digest, Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker), Sports Illustrated)
Rod Serling Imagine if you will an atheist being stuck at a green light behind a car with a Honk if you love Jesus sticker.
weekend funnies
Older people and phones
Its been a while
My wife has been missing for a week. Policeman said to prepare for the worst. So I went to Goodwill and got her clothes back.
I currently have a part time job vacancy, as the dude I pay to stop by once a week to pick up poop in my backyard just quit, after he realized that I don't have pets.
A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.
The doctor asks questions for five minutes and says, "You're depressed."
The man says, "I don't think so. I want a second opinion."
Doctor adds, "Okay, you're also ugly!" (https://i.postimg.cc/637wKK58/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Quote from: Jolly Blue Giant on February 15, 2025, 12:16:49 PMA man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.
The doctor asks questions for five minutes and says, "You're depressed."
The man says, "I don't think so. I want a second opinion."
Doctor adds, "Okay, you're also ugly!" (https://i.postimg.cc/637wKK58/rimshot.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Pretty sure that was a Rodney Dangerfield joke. He was the best!!
Another Rodney joke -
The other day I'm driving home from work, as I turn onto my street I see a naked man running down the street. I yell, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He says, "Because YOU came home early!!"
Quote from: Sem on February 15, 2025, 12:55:40 PMPretty sure that was a Rodney Dangerfield joke. He was the best!!
Another Rodney joke -
The other day I'm driving home from work, as I turn onto my street I see a naked man running down the street. I yell, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He says, "Because YOU came home early!!"
You're probably right.
Here's one that might have been already posted some time ago, but always makes me laugh.
I called my wife on her way home from work and said, "honey, be very careful driving home, I just heard on the radio that someone is driving the wrong way on the highway"
She replied, "that's nothing, there are hundreds of them"
Two mice proselytizers knock on the door of a mouse's residence.
The occupant answers the door.
Mouse: "Can I help you?"
Mice: "We'd like to talk to you about cheeses."
a few more signs that say a lot
A few 'new' ones, at least for me
(https://i.postimg.cc/rsnbskjM/IMG-5066.png)
just got a few more
(https://i.postimg.cc/VkhDDWGz/467883988-10235041610122674-1080042167182302936-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/CKfJtnXk/468448101-10235362196257127-7580805697764402060-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/nzbTtcf5/468444926-10235330885234371-4198938400765538249-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/sXYmfdV2/467295301-10234835323325633-1454272614165290792-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/wM9V7fvQ/466154003-10234791258824048-545676372544955486-n.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/brLRbxSc/466067380-10234668585517292-617218464141080286-n.jpg)
We are on a roll now
been away so here are a few 'newer' ones
Some with a good message
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of the
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently
humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an
emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and
harder for me to find someone older than me.
mid week funnies
an oldie but still pretty funny
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.
She said that first she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the
President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
"No," she replied.
He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day—how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer, and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
weekend funnies
Quote from: LennG on March 03, 2025, 04:31:44 PMParaprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of the
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently
humorous.
Some of my favorites.
1. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
2. A fool and his money, were lucky to get together in the first place.
3. A bird in hand, is better than two in the tree above your new hat.
4. If the shoe fits, see if there's another one just like it.
5. The lesser of two evils, is still evil.
6. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
FASCINATE
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated". The teacher said, "well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."
weekend funnies
More weekend goodies
Weekend funnies don't know if these are really Irish, but I got them for St. Paddy's Day
I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.
The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.
When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
It's weird being the same age as old people.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond "CLOSE ENOUGH."
Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version; it doesn't listen to anything.
I just got a present labeled, 'From Mom and Dad,' and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what's inside.
Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly...next week...Turn Signals.
The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
Mid week funnies
mid week funnies
A cop pulled me over the other day, approached my car and said, "papers."
Excitedly, I said, "scissors!" and drove away thinking I'd won.
He must have wanted a rematch or something because he then followed me for 45 minutes.
I asked my wife last night if I was the only one she'd ever slept with. She said yes.
Then she said most of the others were 7's or 8's.
I've been thinking about robbing my local grocery store using telekinesis.
I'm not sure if I'll actually go through with it, but it's food for thought.
(https://i.postimg.cc/SsGqSGPY/812739-1743194563488.png)
(https://i.postimg.cc/sx6rSgsV/812728-1743189019690.png)
(https://i.postimg.cc/c1XZPXYV/812724-IMG-7295.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/sx0kxH4x/812896-1743353473540.png)