Big Blue Huddle

A New York guy dies and goes to Heaven.

The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in.
First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"

The New York guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?"

The New York guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd...."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?"

The New York guy replies, "Howard."

The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?"

The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."

Good Advice to follow:

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it. It could contain a virus.


If you get an email titled "nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

I found a Somalia cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).

The cost is a bit high but it seems well worth it.  What I found encouraging and enlightening is that the cruise line is encouraging people to bring their own high powered weapons along.  If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat.  They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon.  The cruise lasts from 4-8 days.  All the boat
does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates.  Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:

$800.00 US/per day per person, double occupancy (4 day minimum) M-16 full automatic: rental $25.00/day with ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor-piercing for $15.95

AK-47 rifle: no charge. Ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com bloc ball ammo for $14.95

Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle: rental $55.00/day. Ammo at 25 rounds of 50 BMG armor piercing at $19.95

Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included). They even offer RPG's at $75 bucks and $200 for 3 standard loads Mounted mini-gun available @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire.

Free complimentary night vision equipment.

Meals are not included but seem reasonable.  Coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am

They offer group rates and corporate discounts, and even offer a partial money back guarantee if not satisfied.

Text from the ad: "We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).  How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking?  We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia.  If an attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots.

"We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia.  At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention.  Cabin space is limited so respond quickly.

Reserve your package before April 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

Here are a few testimonials:
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!" ---- Stan, Denver, CO USA

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again." ----Lars, Hamburg, Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected.  I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun.

PIRATES 0, PASSENGERS 32!  Well worth the trip.  Just make sure your spotter speaks English." ----- Ned, Salt,  Lake City, Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM.  Don't worry about  getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use, and their crappy aim reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam." ----"Chopper" Dan, Toledo, Ohio USA.

"Like ducks in a barrel.  They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls.  Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!!  This is a must do." ---Zeke, Minnahaw, Springs, Kentucky USA

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,  their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been?  Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.  We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."  The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,  "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!   You can't be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Jim
July 10
Yulee, FL

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench  outside the local town hall where a flower show was in  progress.

The thin one  leaned over and   said, 'Life is so boring.  We never have any fun any more.  For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked  (as fast as an old  lady can)   through the front door of  the flower show.

Waiting  outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the  hall,  followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked  Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What  happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

'Get Away!' she said.

'Those are for the funeral.'

A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie, it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: Oops...

A small zoo in Tennessee received a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the ternaries determined the problem.

The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. 'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.' The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. 'Second', he said, 'You can't never tell no one about this.' The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. 'Third', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the chil'drun raised as Baptist.'Once again it was agreed.

4. 'And last of all', Bobby Lee stated, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."


The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.


"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.


The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.


Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.


The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.  The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"


The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he 

asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money

from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased  and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.



Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his

bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm

doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank

you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.



Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when

he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept

money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor

is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank

You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your  Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.



'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay

his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.I'm

doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and  leaves the shop.



The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen

Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.



And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Very true - in this case, why take unnessary risks . . . but what if the one partially obstructed by the pole (right side of photo) was on the bike in front of you?