Big Blue Huddle

A young guy from MINNESOTA moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store
looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah.
I was a salesman back in MINNESOTA.
"Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one?  Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said,
"Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........."

Quote from: AYM on February 10, 2012, 07:00:03 PM

Quote from: Cr00zng on February 10, 2012, 05:57:02 PM
Look folks, you don't fire anyone who's just won the SB; got that?

Hey, Jerrah fired Jimmy Johnson right after winning the Superbowl and won it again 2 years later. 

Great idea!!! But what are the chances Barry Switzer would want to come put of retirement and move to New York.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Indianapolis- NY Jets- 33
New Orleans- Minnesota- 44

New Orleans- Arizona- 60
Indianapolis- Baltimore- 29
Minnesota- Dallas- 47
San Diego- NY Jets- 44

NY Jets At Cincinnati -  x
Philadelphia At Dallas - 50
Baltimore At New England - 46
Green Bay At Arizona - 37

Cincinatti  20
New England 8
Philly 3

Quote from: Chris on December 21, 2009, 10:30:47 PM
Mighty, thanks for sharing these threads with us. Bedl365 will be missed.

Rest In Peace.

I agree. This is a wonderful way to honor the memory of a valued member of this community.

Atlanta- 12
Miami
San Fran

Miami 5
Cincinatti
San Diego 3

Buffalo- 0
Tampa Bay 0
Baltimore 0

Oakland 27
Detroit 10
New England 3

Ed... This game is a lot of fun and I'm sure it's pretty demanding for you to do.

Thanks for the time and effort you put into it every week!

A high school senior who grew up on a small farm in Oklahoma is preparing himself to be the first member of his family to attend college. His father is hoping he will attend the local community college where he can live at home and maintain the values he was taught. The young man is quite bright and is offered a generous scholarship to a prestigious university in the big city. After much pleading the father finally relents and allows his son to leave home to attend the university.

The son dutifully writes home every week, but with each letter the father realizes that his fears are justified. His son is rapidly conforming to the big city ways. On the 7th week away from home a letter arrives and with it a picture of his son. On the back of the photo the son has written...Look father I have grown this beautiful goatee. Don't I perhaps look like a count?

The father is horrified and sends off a return letter.

All that money for college and you STILL CAN'T EVEN SPELL!!

Mickie and Minnie Mouse were having marital problems and finally wound up in divorce court.

The judge says, "So Mr. Mouse it states in the court papers that you are filing for divorce because your wife is crazy?"

Mickey answers, "Judge I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.