I lost a friend of 50 years. Am I wrong?

[squibber]

Either my friend is  mentally ill, a jerk or both.  Maybe I'm the jerk.  You decide.

Bob didn't have the best of childhoods. His mother was mean to him. She once threw him into a chair and he broke his arm. When he wouldn't stop crying, she slapped him and told him to shut up.  His two brother didn't treat him well. He grew up with a chip on his shoulder.

If someone wrongs him or does something bad, he/she is a jerk for the rest of his life. He holds grudges and regularly brings up stories about the time so and so did something to him. He is often bitter and is a woman hater.

Something set him over the edge several months ago.  He became very enamored with a waitress. They were flirty with each other for a few months. Bob asked her out and she said she is going through a divorce and shouldn't date until her divorce is finalized.  He kept pushing the issue of dating but she was elusive.  One day he pushed the issue and asked her to play golf.  She said her boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable with that.  Bob became furious because she lied about not being able to date and he felt led on. He was led on. As a matter of fact she flirted with him to make her cook boyfriend jealous.

This threw him into a serious depression and it brought back out repressed hurt feeling towards a girl that he loved in his twenties.  She broke up with him and did it in a cold way.

Since the incident with the waitress, I saw Bob about 20 times. Every time I saw him he would talk about the waitress and the girl that broke up with him 40 years ago. He would repeat stories about them over and over. I patiently listened to him.

Now the part about me and my wife. About 7-8 years ago my wife and I decided to scale back on my son's birthday parties. He was getting older and it was a lot of work. Bob was regularly invited to my son's birthday party but his interest was lukewarm. I don't think he liked one of my in-laws. Sometimes he came but sometimes he didn't.  I told Bob that we are only going to have family for his next birthday. I'm not sure what else I said. I thought he wouldn't care that much. He didn't react negatively but he was really mad inside. He was mad at my wife for not inviting him and he was mad at me for delivering that message. I think he was hurt because he felt he was part of the family. He dog sat our dog. He taught my son some car stuff and how to trade stocks.

Bob held onto these feelings for 6-7 years until he talked on the phone with my son. He told my son the story about how my wife stopped inviting him to his birthday parties and made my wife sound like a jerk.  I talked to Bob and told him we didn't mean to hurt his feelings and we explained the situation. I didn't have much of an effect.

Two weeks ago, my wife and I went to a funeral home to pay respects to someone. Bob was there and gave my wife the cold shoulder.  I felt bad about that and I didn't like him disrespecting my wife.

A few days later I texted Bob to try to resolve the situation. I should have done it in person but he is cranky and I didn't feel comfortable talking face to face with him. I probably should have. So he sends back a blistering text and brings up situations in the past where I supposedly did him wrong. He was mad that I didn't take him for his colonoscopy last fall. I couldn't because I was leaving for vacation that morning. He said "You could have delayed your vacation a couple hours to take me.". I said to myself, how does he know it would only delay me a couple hours?  We would have gotten to the hotel late and the day would have been lost.

He then brings up the fact that the last time I gave him a ride was 2010. Three times since then, he said he asked me for a ride and I wasn't available. I would have given him rides if I could. I worked full time and he was retired. He also accused me of asking him for rides when my wife and son were available. I never did that.

Bottom line is he will never forgive my wife for no longer inviting him to my son's birthday party and he will never forgive me for delivering that news.  Maybe it was dopey of me to do that but I meant no harm. He however thinks I'm a jerk because of that.

So basically he told me the friendship is over. So what does he do the next day? He calls our other friend and recounts what me and my wife did as well as recounting the waitress and ex-girlfriend story to him....for over an hour!

[Ed Vette]

He did you a favor. High maintenance people with a persecution complex are a drain of energy and their intent is to suck the life out of you to uphold their self esteem. It never ends with people like this. Walk away and wipe the dust off your feet. 

[DaveBrown74]

Squibber,

First off, I have a lot of sympathy for anyone who was abused as a child. That is a horrible thing to go through, and it often leaves scares and impacts behavior for the rest of a person's life.

I think Bob has made it very hard, if not impossible, to remain close friends with him. For him to get that upset about something as trivial as a kid's birthday party when you had a perfectly good reason for not including him is fairly extreme. Moreover, you explained yourself and continued to put up with his bitterness and neediness for many years. And finally, he is the one who stated that the friendship is over, not you.

I wouldn't worry about him telling your other friend about the situation. You did nothing wrong, so there is nothing to be ashamed of. Obviously Bob could lie or exaggerate things, but people do that all the time.

I don't know how long term and close a friend Bob was, but if we're talking about a friend of several decades, I would not necessarily give up on him for good. If he was just an acquaintances, then screw it, it's not worth it, he has not treated you very well. But if it is someone going way back whom you were very close to, I probably would still take his call if he called back with an apology. And I might even allow for a cool-down period and reach out to him sometime in 3-6 months. The reason I say this is because true close friends are valuable, and everyone goes through difficult periods. But if you were to reconcile, it would have to be his behavior that changes, not yours.

Just my two cents.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

He sounds like an overly emotional person with issues. Great friends are really hard to find. I consider my friend (also named Bob) one of those rare people who is always there for me and me for him and we share virtually the same sense of humor and the same degree of intellectual/spiritual/political things that interest us... as well as we golf together and fish together. The only thing we disagree on is sports - he being a huge Mets' fan and bone fide hater of Yankees - and he thinks football is the dumbest game ever and the same with basketball. He is a professional squash player (worked for the Olympics committee in the 80's traveling the world demostrating the game and to get the sport added...he failed) and he thinks all racquet games trump sports except baseball...with the exception of racquetball which he considers an unworthy racquet sport when squash is available. Says that a squash player playing racquetball is like a chessmaster having to play checkers. We are also the same age (3 weeks apart), and both got our degrees at Binghamton University in the same subject no less, etc. But I digress. I'm just very lucky to have such a friend

In your case - it's complicated to say the least. You value friendship, but your "friend" has high expectations that are beyond "normal" (whatever normal is anymore). Seems very one-sided to me, but I don't know all the details of both your backgrounds. If you feel he is a friend you want to keep, you should talk it out and be straight with him and solve all the issues you both have. Otherwise, slowly drift away and come up with good excuses until he's no longer a part of your life. I've done that with numerous relationships over the years. Some girl told me once that that was a crappy way to move on from a relationship...called it "passive aggressive" and I said, "oh well" and we don't have much or anything to do with each other now

[squibber]

Dave,

yeah, friends are valuable particularly at an older age. After I retired, I tried to rekindle a couple of old friendships from my twenties, early thirties.  They just weren't interested.

I think everyone should put in the effort to maintain their good friendships because once you let those ties go, it's not easy to reconnect.

[Bob In PA]

squib: The very nature of your post indicates to me that the problem is not on your end.

It's tough to lose a friend, and I'm sorry to hear about it.

IMO all you can do is hope some day he'll come to his senses... if not, then IMO re-read Ed's post.

A Different Bob

[LennG]

Squib

With friends like that, you need no enemies.

I also had a so-called 'friend' who did similar things, like bring up things from 20 years ago that have been festering inside him. Why wait 20 years to let the hate grow? When it finally came out, I was stunned that he harbored this resentment for all these years and could never be honest enough to say something.

I also, like the rest, say a good friend is worth their weight in gold, but this person is NOT a good friend. His life is probably miserable and needs someone to blame for it, when, in reality, he is the cause of it.
Friendships are like a marriage, things seem to be going smoothly, but there are always bumps in the road. Caring about someone means you overlook trivial mistakes and do not let them fester. Like a marriage, when things can't be fixed, divorce this guy and move on and PLEASE, don't ever think this was your fault. It surely wasn't and knowing you, it is his loss to not have you as a friend.

[MightyGiants]

I could see how being told that a party you go to every year is downsizing and you didn't make the cut could sting a little.   Still, it's how one reacts that one can control.  Bob's reaction was over the top.   It's sort of sad; I feel sorry for the guy.  It seems like in his life; he never learned the truly toxic nature of resentment.   How resentment harms yourself far more than the target of the resentment.  The biggest gift one can give one's self is to forgive others even if they didn't ask or even feel sorry because it frees you of the soul-corrupting and happiness-robbing nature of resentment.

[squibber]

Mighty Giants, He didn't go every year so I had the sense my son's birthday wasn't a big deal to him. I don't remember exactly the conversation I had with him 6-7 years ago when I told him we were cutting down the party to just relatives. I hope I was sensitive enough. I think so. Maybe he saw me as the brother he wish he had and my son as kind of a son. I don't know.

The way he handled himself recently is immature and disrespectful to me and my wife. He couldn't explain why he was so mad and none of my explanations mattered to him. I think he is selfish as he talks about himself a great deal and rarely asked me about myself.

I came to the conclusion that his friendship is not worth it any more. I appreciate everyone's perspective and it made me feel better. I was questioning myself for a while there.

[squibber]

One more thing to reveal his attitude.

He would come over to let the dog out once in a while. My wife wanted to leave him something as a nice gesture. He is diabetic so my wife bought him sugar free cookies from the supermarket once in a while. He recently griped about those cookies calling them cheap cookies. What were we supposed to to? Look for a fancy bakery that made delicious sugar free cookies? Is there such a place?

Oh and he holds a grudge against my sister in law because she wasn't interested in him. "She thinks I'm not good enough for her".

[DaveBrown74]

One more thing to reveal his attitude.

He would come over to let the dog out once in a while. My wife wanted to leave him something as a nice gesture. He is diabetic so my wife bought him sugar free cookies from the supermarket once in a while. He recently griped about those cookies calling them cheap cookies. What were we supposed to to? Look for a fancy bakery that made delicious sugar free cookies? Is there such a place?

Oh and he holds a grudge against my sister in law because she wasn't interested in him. "She thinks I'm not good enough for her".

The more you reveal about this guy the less I like him (haha). Sounds like a royal pain in the ass who is all about himself.

I'll stand by what I said before: If he is/was a close friend, say one of your top five or six friends, then I would not completely write this whole thing off just yet. I'd maybe give it a 3 month cooling down period and then see if it's worth revisiting.

If this is just a less serious friend that you saw from time to time, then the hell with it. Not worth it, I agree.

[MightyGiants]

Squibs,

Best to just move on.  You made your decision and there is nothing positive in looking back.  Of course if he comes to you, then it's worth revisiting.  Otherwise, best to not waste any more time or energy on the issue

[Slugsy-Narrows]

Squib

A true friend is friends with you unconditionally!  They take you on as a friend in spite of your faults!  They don't judge!  They support you through good times and bad!

Although there is only one side to this story being told, and I'm sure a lot more history it seems it is obvious that this guy never fit the profile of a friend.

I too was friends with someone who came from an abused home   It's tough to watch!  So I can get where he came from, BUT it doesn't justify his behavior and actions.

Tomorrow I am burying a friends step father that I have known for over 35 years (since I'm 14/15).  Over these 30+ years this friend and I have been through everything together   There have been times I was not invited to their parties and same on my end.  Never a gripe was held and it was always understood.  You can't always invite everyone   Time and money sometimes play a factor.  If you are friends you understand that!  You don't hold it against the other person!  No one has to invite anyone to anything the have.  You should be honored when they do and understanding when they don't!  To often today people feel they are owed things that they aren't!  A true friend understands.

To me this man has a lot of hang ups (probably from his childhood) that he never got help for or sorted out himself and now and an older age isn't going to change no matter how much help he got as he is set in his ways.

Although it's never easy to walk away, in this situation you are probably better off!  He isn't the childhood friend you grew up with!  Time has changed him and you!  He was probably around for years more out of habit then friendship.  Anyone that treats someone as you described he treated you and your family is NOT a TRUE FRIEND.

Although painful it is best you walk away, remember the good times and don't look back.


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