Just a joke

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A 67 yr old man of significant wealth was sitting with a drop-dead gorgeous 19-year-old girl and holding hands. A fella walked up to him and asked, "how did you get a girlfriend like that?" he asked.
The man replied, "oh she's not my girlfriend, she's' my wife".
Stunned, the fella asked, "How did you get her in the first place?", to which the man replied, "I lied my age".
The fella laughed and asked, "what age did you tell her you were?".
The man replied, "I told her I was 97"

[Sem]

If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?

[squibber]

I sing in my car but only when it's in reverse. I'm a backup singer.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A hitchhiker had been trying to get a ride for hours with no luck. Finally, a car pulled to a stop. The hitcher ran up, threw his backpack in the back seat and climbed into the passenger seat.

"Hitching long? " the driver asked.

"Hours and no one even slowed down," was the reply.

"Boy, society has changed," the driver said. "People are so worried and scared now."

"I hear you," the hitcher said. "I think they're afraid of picking up a serial killer."

When the driver laughed, the hitcher asked, "Didn't you think about that when you picked me up?"

While still laughing, the driver said, "No way. I mean what are the odds of two serial killers being in the same car?"

[LennG]

In tribute to our late Weeze, I had this joke stashed away and thought about posting it, and then said why not? When it was put up many years ago, Weeze loved it.

Long ago, in the days of the Wild West, Weeze's great - grand daddywas a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.  He practiced every minute of his spare time but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.  That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learning something here.  Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.. 'See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'

[GIANTS1]

Lenn i loved that joke. i told that to my son in laws group at a party a few years ago. nobody really laughed. in my group when i told it people were cracking up. later i talked to my son in law. he said most of us dont who wyatt earp is. generation thing i guess.

[GIANTS1]

True story.  In the 80s i use to coach youth hockey, i coached squirts which is 9 an 10 year olds.  I had one of the kids riding with me to an out of town game. back then when you got so far from town you would lose the local radio station. so when it started fading i went in my casette box an said do you like The Doors. he looked at his door an then mine an said yeah there ok. laughed my butt off.

[LennG]

Lenn i loved that joke. i told that to my son in laws group at a party a few years ago. nobody really laughed. in my group when i told it people were cracking up. later i talked to my son in law. he said most of us dont who wyatt earp is. generation thing i guess.

 I had forgotten to add that that joke was posted many years ago and our late friend John loved it. I thought about posting it again and then said why not, Joh will laugh in heaven when he reads it again.

[LennG]

Three Nuns!!

 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

 At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."

And 'poof' she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and 'poof' she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asked.

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[LennG]

POLITICAL SMILES

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

~Ronald Reagan~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~

We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.

~Kin Hubbard~

[MightyGiants]