Wedding Aggravations/Frustrations

[squibber]

How did your wedding or your child's wedding go? What ticked you off or made you shake your head?

I got a funny one for you. My son is getting married next June. Luckily our future in-laws have money and they are paying for the reception which will be about 250 people. Only about 50 will come from our side. We are responsible for the rehearsal dinner. Traditionally it's for whoever is a part of the wedding ceremony. Our future in-laws told us to plan for, get this, 90 people! They want to include our of town guests and close family members. The cost to us will be about $12K to $13K.

That takes a big bite out of our savings. Me and my wife decided we need to accept it to keep the peace but wow what nerve.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

How did your wedding or your child's wedding go? What ticked you off or made you shake your head?

I got a funny one for you. My son is getting married next June. Luckily our future in-laws have money and they are paying for the reception which will be about 250 people. Only about 50 will come from our side. We are responsible for the rehearsal dinner. Traditionally it's for whoever is a part of the wedding ceremony. Our future in-laws told us to plan for, get this, 90 people! They want to include our of town guests and close family members. The cost to us will be about $12K to $13K.

That takes a big bite out of our savings. Me and my wife decided we need to accept it to keep the peace but wow what nerve.

That's extreme for a rehearsal dinner. Typically, traditionally, and logically, it includes only the people who will be "in the wedding", and the families of the bride and groom. I've never heard of opening it up to guests. It's awkward to tell the bride's family that you want to keep it to family and those in the wedding, but that's what I would do, even if it ruffled the other family's feathers. You could have people coming off the street for a free 50.00 meal...that is nuts. The meal at the reception is for everyone not directly involved with the wedding. A rehearsal dinner is a more intimate time for the two families to get to know each other better - and it's for the benefit of both the bride and groom. Personally, I'd attack it in a concialatory manner; however, my ex-wife would turn it into a huge ordeal and wouldn't back down to the other family, even if it led to bad blood for the rest of their lives

Good luck

[LennG]

I would agree that you need to say something, even if it might cause some friction. Maybe you can get your son to say something to his future bride and ask her to say something to her parents. Unless, of course, this might be her idea also. There is no reason to 'empty your bank account' for something that is so unreasonable.

[Ed Vette]

Say nothing and do it for your son. I had friends that did the same thing for their son, knowing it was a southern wedding and guests flying in and the wedding was buffet style and no assigned seating. (Cheap)

You're going to do it anyway so what purpose does it serve to stir up xxxx with the parents of your Daughter in Law.

If you really can't afford it, then that would be the approach to take and ask them to cut it down in half. I would talk to the Bride's father. 

[squibber]

The bride to be knows about 90 will go to the rehearsal dinner. She is fine with it. Her comment was "I can't help it if I have a large family". Lame excuse.

We can afford it but it's not like we have a huge nest egg. The wedding reception will be at a country club and it will cost her father a lot of money so I guess we'll stay quiet about it.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

The bride to be knows about 90 will go to the rehearsal dinner. She is fine with it. Her comment was "I can't help it if I have a large family". Lame excuse.

We can afford it but it's not like we have a huge nest egg. The wedding reception will be at a country club and it will cost her father a lot of money so I guess we'll stay quiet about it.

You're going to need quite a venue to serve 90 people. I don't know where you live, but there isn't a restaurant within 30 miles of me that could handle that large a crowd. I'd have to rent a banquet hall or something...either that, or bus everyone to Syracuse, but I'm not sure even there, they'd be able to accommodate that many people in a restaurant setting. Wherever you choose, the restaurant (banquet hall/a special purpose room at a hotel, etc.) will need lots of notice so they have enough food to feed the crowd. They'll also need to bring in extra staff as well as that truckload of extra food. Good luck and enjoy your son's big day and give him all the support he needs. Weddings can be stressful...thankfully it's your son and not a daughter 

[EDjohnst1981]

Have you guys always had a rehearsal dinner for weddings or is this a recent phenomenon?

I've never been to a rehearsal dinner in my life and I've been to numerous weddings.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Have you guys always had a rehearsal dinner for weddings or is this a recent phenomenon?

I've never been to a rehearsal dinner in my life and I've been to numerous weddings.

I've been to four rehearsal dinners when my children got married (all of them after 2006). There was no such thing when I got married ('72 and '82), so maybe it's a more recent phenomenon. It's far more intimate than the reception IMO

[Sem]

I have no idea how long, but my parents paid for the one we had one right before our wedding back in 1978. Ours consisted of strictly the wedding party, their spouses or significant others, and the bride's and our immediate families.

Interesting note from our daughter's wedding reception. We had it at a country club in Southern California near where they are now living. As people were still arriving a bunch of us were standing with our drinks, chatting, out on the large patio overlooking the 18th green. I'm watching a foursome pulling up in a couple carts and I'm thinking to myself....that looks like...I think...IT IS - Michael Jordan. Someone called out to him and he gave a brief, half-hearted wave and went about his business. To this day I occasionally remind our daughter that Michael Jordan attended her wedding reception. 

[AZGiantFan]

I really dislike big expensive weddings.  Too much emphasis is put on the wedding when the marriage is what really counts.  I don't think there is any correlation between the size and cost of the wedding and the quality and length of the marriage.  Both my sisters had large expensive weddings.  One produced a lousy failed marriage and the other produced a pretty good marriage.  I had 15 people at my wedding and my bride and I paid for it.  And the marriage lasted 35 years and then she passed away, and it was an ideal 35 years.

Which really doesn't help @squibber at all, but gave me a chance to vent a pet peeve.  My two unwavering principles about weddings and marriages are 1) its the marriage that counts, not the wedding, and 2) the key to a long and successful marriage is never let it become a power struggle.

Funny story about my dad and weddings.  At each of my sisters' weddings, as he got ready to walk them down the aisle he said to each of them, "Sweetie it's not too late to change your mind".  I was the last to get married and before the wedding "my" side were hanging out outside, and my dad went off to seek the bride.  I later learned that he found her and said "Sweetie it's not too late to change your mind".  When I found out about this I said to him, "hey, you're supposed to be on my side - you should have that to me."  He said something along the the lines of, "you're lucky to have her.  You'd be an idiot to change your mind."  I was not only blessed with a great wife, but a great dad.

I continued the tradition, and right before I led my own daughter down the aisle I turned to her and said, "Sweetie it's not too late to change your mind".  She and her groom paid for their own wedding but we chipped in a fair amount.  While much bigger than mine it was about 50 people with nice, but not extravagant food.  Everyone had a great time and ten years later they have a rock solid marriage and have given me 2 grandkids that I dote on.

Again, I know this doesn't help @squibber, but it gave an excuse for a nice walk down memory lane.  Hopping down from the soapbox.