Just a joke

[dasher]

Famous sayings to ponder:

Virginity like
Bubble, one XXXXX, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
Pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
Wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
Organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
Toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
Church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

[LennG]

I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal..........

They got all excited
And asked me if I could drive a truck.

[LennG]

 What us men have to put up with

===============================================

Morris  returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has  told
> him that he has only 24 hours to live. 
>
> 
> 
> Given  the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. 
>
> 
> 
> Naturally,  she agrees, so they make love. 
>
> 
> 
> About 6  hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 
>
> 
> 
> 'Honey,  you know I now have only 18 hours to live. 
>
> 
> 
> Could we  please do it one more time?' 
>
> 
> 
> Of  course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. 
>
> 
> 
> Later,  as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch 
>
> 
> 
> and  realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. 
>
> 
> 
> He  touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 
>
> 
> 
> 'Honey,  please... just one more time before I die.' 
>
> 
> 
> She  says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. 
>
> 
> 
> After  this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. 
>
> 
> 
> Morris,  however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns,  until
> he's down to 4 more hours. 
>
> 
> 
> He taps  his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. 
>
> 
> 
> Do you  think we could...' 
>
> 
> 
> At this  point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, 
>
> 
> 
> I have  to get up in the morning... you  don't.' 

[dasher]

>                                                Better than a Flu Shot!
>
>
>
>                          Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
>  eighties and had never been married.
>
>                          She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to
>  all.
>
>                          One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and
>  she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
>
>                          She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
>  tea.
>
>                          As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
>  minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
>
>                          The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
>  floated, of all things, a condom!
>
>                          When she returned with tea and scones, they began
>  to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
>                          about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
>  but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
>
>                          'Miss Beatrice,' he said as he pointed to the
>  bowl, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
>
>                          'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was
>  walking through the park a few months ago
>                          and I found this little package on the ground. The
>  directions said to place it on the organ,
>                          keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
>  of disease.  Do you know, I haven't had the flu
>                          all winter?!!'
>
>

[LennG]

Why some women are like bowling balls:

First, they get picked up,
then fingered,
then thrown in the gutter
and they keep coming back for more!
===

[Jim143]

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

'Get Away!' she said.

'Those are for the funeral.'

[Jim143]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench  outside the local town hall where a flower show was in  progress.

The thin one  leaned over and   said, 'Life is so boring.  We never have any fun any more.  For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked  (as fast as an old  lady can)   through the front door of  the flower show.

Waiting  outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the  hall,  followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked  Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What  happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

[dasher]

Dear Penis, I Don't Think I like you Anymore

http://www.igc.be/igc/dearpenis.htm

[dasher]

The Pope in Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing.  He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush T-shirt,' was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!  By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

[dasher]

A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX.
IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY
ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.
EXAMPLES:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER
WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A   SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?
A   NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS...........
'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SH,T.'
 

[Sem]

Apparently the medical research to date has been flawed!

     

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than a n efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[LennG]

Husband and wife are shopping in Walmart when the man picks up a caseof Budweisser and sticks them into the cart






'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife






'They're on sale, only
$10.00 for 24 cans', he says






'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...






A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30.00 jar of Olay face cream and sticks it into the cart.






'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,






'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.






The man replies... 'So does 24 cans of Budweisser and it

[Sem]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off .'

'Could you jack off?' she says......'I feel like sh!t.'

[dasher]

 On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.                                                       

                                                                           

  The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven?                                                   

                                                         

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said,                                                   

                                                                             

  'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.' and he left.                                                       

                                                                           

  The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever??                             

                                                                             

  Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.                                                               

                                                           ;                 

  'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'           

                                                                           

  'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?                                                           

                                                                           

  Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'       

                                                                           

  St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.     

                                                                             

  'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.                             

                                                                           

  'OH COME ON!' St. Peter shouted.                               

                                                                           

  'It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?'                   

[LennG]

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting-firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his hoo ha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'

The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you want.'