Just a joke

[LennG]

Post-Chrismas funnies

[LennG]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the
football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the not hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Ed Vette]

That's what she said...

[MightyGiants]

https://twitter.com/buitengebieden/status/1607296152889888771

[Jolly Blue Giant]

LMAO - so much can go wrong with little kids on stage. I remember going to my grandson's kindergarten graduation, and each kid had to walk to the microphone and tell the crowd what they were going to be when they grew up. Almost every boy said a "zombie fighter" and a couple boys said "bus driver"...LOL

This clip of this pre-school girl who wants to grow up and be an American Idol winner someday always makes me laugh. Kid's got heart, I'll tell you that...LOL

[Ed Vette]

.

[LennG]

Todays's funnies

[AZGiantFan]

And to bring it full circle:

[MightyGiants]

Get your ducks in a row

[LennG]

Funnies to end this year

[Jolly Blue Giant]

An old guy was driving home from work when his wife called him on his cell phone.

"Honey", she said in a worried voice, "be very careful...there's a bit on the news just now...some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the freeway".

"Oh, it's much worse than that", he replied, "there are hundreds of them!"

[bamagiantfan]

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ANY CRISIS

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you'll be right.

Before any bank will lend you money, you must first prove you don't need it.

A bird in the hand is better than two in the tree above your new hat.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it can be a bitch to mow.

Some people like rain, others like snow, most like sunshine. Sleet sucks.

A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

If the shoe fits, see if there's another one just like it.

Research causes cancer in mice.

The lesser of two evils is still evil.

[bamagiantfan]

My New Year's resolution is to become the person my dog seems to think I am.

[Sem]

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

[Sem]

I'm guessing not everyone will get this.