Just a joke

[LennG]

> >
> > THE
> > ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE
> >
> > 
> > At St. lucy's Catholic
> > Church they have a weekly husbands marriage
> > seminar.
> > At the session last week, the
> > priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
> > approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a
> > few minutes and share
> > some insight into
> > how he had managed to stay married to the same woman
> > all
> > these years.
> >
> > Giuseppe replied to the assembled
> > husbands, 'Wella, I've trieda to treat
> > her
> > nicea, spenda da money on her, but
> > besta of all is,  I tooka her
> > to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
> >
> > The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are
> > an amazing inspiration to all the
> > husbands here!  Please tell us what you are
> > planning for your wife for your
> > 50th
> > anniversary?'
> >
> > Giuseppe proudly
> > replied, "I'm agonna go get her. "

[LennG]

 Subject: Ambidextrous Golfing Lady



Ambidextrous Golfing Lady




A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week ?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She was a fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.

She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game..

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed ?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,

"But what if it's pointing straight up in the air ?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late !" 

[LennG]

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order, the figures were:

1. A Woman
2. A Donkey
3. A Shovel
4. A Fish
5. A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock, and the figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said: "the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time:

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew how to make tools.

4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5. The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious group of people."

A little old man in the front row raised his hand to get the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way, it reads: "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that babe!"

[LennG]

A man owned a small farm in Arkansas . The Arkansas Wage & Hours
Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded
the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has
been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room
and board. There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per
week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife, occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.

[LennG]

cute one

[LennG]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[Sem]

**********************************************************

Not sure if these are actually true or not, but they're funny nonetheless.

**********************************************************

These are  from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.




ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your  husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I,  Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:  My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY:  What gear were  you in at the moment of the  impact?
WITNESS:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:  No, I just lie  there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does  it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it  affect your memory?
WITNESS:  I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give  us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter  has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:  We both  do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:  We do.
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:  Yes,  voodoo..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true  that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did  you actually pass the bar  exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the  20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:  He's 20, much  like your  IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your  picture was taken?
WITNESS:  Are you shitting  me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of  the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTO RNEY:  And what were you doing at  that time?
WITNESS:  Getting  laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:  Yes..
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:  None.
ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a  different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage  terminated?
WITNESS:  By death.
ATTORNEY:  And  by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Take a  guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:  He was about  medium height and had a  beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:  Unless the Circus was in town  I'm going with  male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this  morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to  your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to  work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your  autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:  All of them.. The live ones  put up too much of a  fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be  oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that  you examined the body?
WITNESS:  The autopsy started  around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the  time?
WITNESS:  If not , he was by the time I  finished..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a  urine sample?
WITNESS:  Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And  last:
ATTORNEY:  Doctor , before you performed the autopsy , did you check for  a pulse?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for  blood pressure?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check  for breathing?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  So , then it  is possible that the patient was  alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure , Doctor?
WITNESS:  Because his  brain was sitting on my desk in a  jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see , but could the patient have still been alive , nevertheless?
WITNESS:  Yes , it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[babywhales]

God recently met with
Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Brett Farve, 3 of the NFL

[bamagiantfan]

Great nygsem! 


My father actually had a similar conversation with a car insurance agent after filing a claim for hitting a deer. My dad got a lot of milage out of this story over the years.

Agent: I see you said you were travelling down Highway 33 when the accident took place. Approximately where did you hit the deer?

Father: Right in the ass.

Agent: (Chuckling) I understand but where was the car when you struck the deer.

Father: Left cheek.

Agent: Did it run out in front of you?

Father: (Sarcastically, starting to raise his voice) No, I chased it about a quarter mile through the cornfeild before I finally caught up with him. By the way, I'm fine .....not that it matters. Do you have any other questions you want to ask that aren't sitting in front of you on the police report?

[Rocky56]

Mickie and Minnie Mouse were having marital problems and finally wound up in divorce court.

The judge says, "So Mr. Mouse it states in the court papers that you are filing for divorce because your wife is crazy?"

Mickey answers, "Judge I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.

[Rocky56]

A high school senior who grew up on a small farm in Oklahoma is preparing himself to be the first member of his family to attend college. His father is hoping he will attend the local community college where he can live at home and maintain the values he was taught. The young man is quite bright and is offered a generous scholarship to a prestigious university in the big city. After much pleading the father finally relents and allows his son to leave home to attend the university.

The son dutifully writes home every week, but with each letter the father realizes that his fears are justified. His son is rapidly conforming to the big city ways. On the 7th week away from home a letter arrives and with it a picture of his son. On the back of the photo the son has written...Look father I have grown this beautiful goatee. Don't I perhaps look like a count?

The father is horrified and sends off a return letter.

All that money for college and you STILL CAN'T EVEN SPELL!!

[LennG]

The two lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.



I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.


It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,

[LennG]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the
football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the not hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[LennG]

A mother is driving her little girl
to her friend's house for a play date. "mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"


"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weight?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, " I know how old you are. You are 32."

The mother is surprised and ask, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weight 135 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

"Oh, really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[LennG]

While traveling thru Texas
I saw a road sign that said,
"Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787." 
So I did. 
Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with his tow truck.