Just a joke

[LennG]

Some with a good message

[LennG]

 Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of the
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently
humorous. 






1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an
emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and
harder for me to find someone older than me.

[LennG]

mid week funnies

[LennG]

an oldie but still pretty funny


An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.                                                   


She said that first she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the

President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.

Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she answered.

"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.

"No," she replied.

He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.

"I bet," she stated.

"As in horses?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day—how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

 

At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer, and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.

 

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.  His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

[LennG]

weekend funnies

[bamagiantfan]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of the
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently
humorous. 

Some of my favorites.

1. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

2. A fool and his money, were lucky to get together in the first place.

3. A bird in hand, is better than two in the tree above your new hat.

4. If the shoe fits, see if there's another one just like it.

5. The lesser of two evils, is still evil.

6. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

[LennG]

FASCINATE

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated". The teacher said, "well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."

[LennG]

weekend funnies

[LennG]

More weekend goodies

[LennG]

Weekend funnies don't know if these are really Irish, but I got them for St. Paddy's Day

[LennG]

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

 We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

 The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

 When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

 It's weird being the same age as old people.

 Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond "CLOSE ENOUGH."

 Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family.  They seem like good people.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

 Some of my friends exercise every day.  Meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

 For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version; it doesn't listen to anything.

 I just got a present labeled, 'From Mom and Dad,' and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what's inside.

 Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly...next week...Turn Signals.

 The pessimist complains about the wind.   The optimist expects it to change.  The realist adjusts his sails.

 There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

 Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

 I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

 My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true.  I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again

 Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

[LennG]

Mid week funnies

[LennG]

mid week funnies

[Sem]

A cop pulled me over the other day, approached my car and said, "papers."
Excitedly, I said, "scissors!" and drove away thinking I'd won.
He must have wanted a rematch or something because he then followed me for 45 minutes.


I asked my wife last night if I was the only one she'd ever slept with. She said yes.
Then she said most of the others were 7's or 8's.


I've been thinking about robbing my local grocery store using telekinesis.
I'm not sure if I'll actually go through with it, but it's food for thought.