Just a joke

[Sem]

The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.  No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:  "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.  And you're single.  Just let it go."

But, then another voice in his head would whisper:  "You

[Sem]

    Father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.  He decides to test it out on his son at supper.   Father asks his son; "where were you last night?"

     

    ... Son replies; "I was at the library" *robot slaps son*    "Ok I was at a friends ...house."

    "Doing what?" asked the father
    .
    "Watching a movie." says son.

    "What movie?" asks father?

   

[dasher]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[St Marys]

Two guys in a bar.  A long-legged blnde walk in.  Pointing to her, one says to the other, "see that  I've had her twin".  "You have done what?" "I've had her twin".  "Don't believe you!". "I'm telling you the truth", says the first guy.

The second guy takes a sip of his drink.

"How do you, you know, tell the difference"
"No problem at all.  Her brother has a moustache".

[LennG]

A true story of our favorite ladies man Dasher


Last year, Dasher and his lovely girlfriend Bessie are vacationing in the West. Dasher always wanted a pair of
authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them
back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his girlfriend, "Notice anything
different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Dasher says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good Look. Notice anything
different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Dasher storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Dasher, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Dasher yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Dasher. ....... Shoulda bought a hat.

[Jim143]

 

[tomeee]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man replied."Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste my time fishing." tht homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at the golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS," replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years." "Will you spend the money on a women in the red light district instead of food," the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks," exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't you wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "that's OK. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[dasher]

Email from Len to Weeze:

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[dasher]

Mrs Brown and the Condom - Mrs Brown's Boys - Series 2 Episode 1 - BBC One

[St Marys]

My wife has just this minute left me - she says it's because of my obsession with horse racing.   She's at the gate now, aaaanndd, she's off......

[Sem]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He
replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points
toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any
way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both
my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got
enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours
are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00
am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00
am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."

[LennG]

his one's been around for a while, but worth another look


Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant


[][]
There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical.

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

[]

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

[]
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a
man with his pants down.

[babywhales]

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up to the porch he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Blue and Red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Giants logo flag, and in every window, a Giants towel. Tom looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super bowls." God said, "So what's your point Tom?" "Well, why does Eli Manning get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said, "Tom, that's not Eli's house, it's mine." Thanks Debs for this laugh!!!!! Go GMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[babywhales]

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
... 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

[babywhales]

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