Just a joke

[drakew]

"My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears,and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month..

The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[drakew]

"A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a
word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[drakew]

"All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you."



"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'

in this cedar chest....."

[drakew]

"A Crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you... What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office, and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this damn bitch giving you a hard time?"

[drakew]

"Two buddies were speeding through the great state of Alabama when to their surprise, out of nowhere pops a state trooper and pulls them over. The state trooper approaches the driver side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The driver rows the window down. The state trooper smacks him on the back of the head and says that in the state of Alabama a driver should have his license and registration ready when the trooper gets to the car. The trooper then proceeds to write him a ticket and has the driver sign it.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The passenger rows the window and the trooper smacks him on the back of his head.

The passenger says, "What th' hell was that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What th' hell are you talking about?"

I know, when you get down the road there a ways, you're going to say to your buddy, 'I wish he would have tried that xxxx with me!'"

[drakew]

"A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
>>
>> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
>> bedroom closet to watch.
>>
>> The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
>> not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
>>
>> The little boy says, "Dark in here.."
>> The man says, "Yes, it is."
>> Boy: "I have a baseball."
>> Man: "That's nice"
>> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>> Man: "No, thanks."
>> Boy: "My Dad's outside."
>> Man: "OK, how much?"
>> Boy: "$250"
>>
>> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
>> in the closet together.
>>
>> Boy: "Dark in here."
>> Man: "Yes, it is."
>> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
>> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>> Boy: "$750"
>> Man: "Sold."
>>
>> A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
>> outside and have a game of catch."
>>
>> The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
>>
>> The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>> Boy: "$1,000"
>>
>> The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
>> that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession."
>>
>> They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
>> confessional booth and closes the door.
>>
>> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The priest says, "Don't start that xxxx again; you're in my closet now."

[drakew]

Official Rules for Indoor Golf



Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.

For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length or girth of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course.

The experienced player will normally admire the entire course with special attention paid to well formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention any other course that they have played, or currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, especially on a different course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate

if they find someone else playing what they considered their own private course.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternative means to play when this is the case.

It is considered the outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course hole several times in one match.

Responsible indoor golfers always use a golf bag.

Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner.

[Sem]

Wow Drake, that a month's worth.  Funny stuff!!

[LennG]

You'd better get back to work pretty soon, you have too much free time on your hands. 

[dasher]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down..

I saw a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Velcro ? what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist.. He has fillings, too.

[drakew]

"Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!.... She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred ! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD , DON'T SWING!!!'

[drakew]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[drakew]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange

to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle

of Pinot Grigio .

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel . After the required

ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.

She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton

in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful

daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms.

They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna,

the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became

a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment

banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second

home in Naples , Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.

They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables.

Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts

out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small

apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that

she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live

in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[drakew]

A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.
The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down!'

[drakew]

Know Your State Motto

Alabama: Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!
Arizona: Yes, But Its A Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Literacy Aint Everythang.
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Dont Ski, Dont Bother.
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grand kids And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money).
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well, Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please, Dont Pronounce the S.
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free.
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn.
Kansas: First of The Rectangle states.
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.
Louisiana: Were Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: Were Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden s and Our Senators Are More Corrupt.
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes? And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes.
Mississippi: Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State.
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,& Honest Elections
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest.
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone.
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets.
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent & To an Attorney & No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable.
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least Were Not Michigan.
Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing.
Oregon: Spotted Owl? Its Whats For Dinner.
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal.
Rhode Island: Were Not REALLY An Island..
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didnt Actually Surrender yet!
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.
Texas: Se Hable Ingles.
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.
Vermont: Too liberal for the Kennedys.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?
Washington: Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family?Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming: Where Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared. Home of Brokeback Mountain.
The District of Columbia: The Work-Free, Drug Place.*