Just a joke

[drakew]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat

[drakew]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance.. never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid...

[drakew]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem..

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

[drakew]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

, a colon followed by half a parenthesis, or maybe :-) means a smile and

, a colon followed by half a parenthesis or :-( is a frown..

Well, someone came up with 'ASSICONS:'


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an XXXXXXX


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_z_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

[drakew]

A DC DRIVER IS STUCK IN A TRAFFIC JAM ON THE HIGHWAY. NOTHING IS MOVING.

SUDDENLY, A MAN KNOCKS ON THE window. THE DRIVER ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW AND ASKS,

[drakew]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[drakew]

A widowed farmer and a single woman get into an auto accident on an old country road, and it's a bad one. Both his truck & her car are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their vehicles, the woman says, "Wow, look at our automobiles,there's nothing left!! But you and I are, fortunately & amazingly, unharmed!! This must be a sign from God that we should meet and spend the rest of our lives together."

The farmer replied, "I agree with ya' completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, yet this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands him the bottle.

The farmer nods his head, opens the bottle, hands it back to her and says, "You do the honors". The woman takes the bottle, chugs half of it, and hands it back to the farmer.

Then the woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The farmer replied, "No Ma'am, I believe I'll just wait for the Sherrif to git here."

[drakew]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[drakew]

Here's one for the older folks.

Hypnotist in a senior center....

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, " I'm here to put you into a trance. I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful,
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch.. It's been in my family for six generations." He began
to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off of its polished surface..

Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into
pieces.
*
*
*
"sxxt!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
*
*
*
*
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center !!
Claude was never invited back.

[drakew]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says SEX FROGS Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1.. Take a shower.
2.. Splash on some nice perfume.
3.. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4.. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions ... Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The dman

[drakew]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in western Ohio. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Ohio. We settle small disagreements like this with the Ohio Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Ohio three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old fart.. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old fart redneck, now it's my turn."
The old Ohio farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[drakew]

Politicians

I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been
voting for boobs long enough.
~ Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance
speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you.
~Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us,
I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically,
by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
~Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~Ronald Reagan

Politics: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"]
~Larry Hardiman

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.
~Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them.
~Author Unknown

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on
senators.
~Will Rogers

[drakew]

>One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow
> hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine
> sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
> it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a
> doctor."
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
> began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
>
> his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
> dollars, pours in
> his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
> better. Thank you for shopping at Costco!

[drakew]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[drakew]

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!

Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? What do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?