Just a joke

[LennG]

Excellent,  BW

[babywhales]

Got another one.

[attachment deleted by admin]

[LennG]

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us   
candidates."   
     ---Jay Leno   

[LennG]

Tom Reed (Giantfan67) sent me this:

MAFIA'S BOOKKEEPER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in
the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather
tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper signs
back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the God father: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don 't tell
him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney
replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Sam56]

She'd been taught 'housework is a woman's job,'
but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children
  bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on
the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

Turned out that Ralph had read an article that
said, 'Wives who work full-time and then had to do their own housework
were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told
her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even
cleaned  up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry  and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired...'

[bamagiantfan]

How To Install A Home Security System In The South =============

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
   14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
   and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

[LennG]

Think that would work, here in NY???

I loved it. 

[LennG]

Bob works hard at the plant?
and spends two nights each week bowling and  plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she  know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday

[babywhales]

L-

[dasher]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'




(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

[bamagiantfan]

I'm a Democrat but I have a sense of humor too. Some of this is ridiculous but some is pretty funny too:


2008 Democrat National Convention

Schedule of Events

7:00 pm   OPENING FLAG BURNING

7:15 pm   PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.

7:20 pm   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST

7:25 pm   NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton

7:45 pm   CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah

7:55 pm   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST

8:00 pm   HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET -  Al Gore

8:15 pm   GAY WEDDING PLANNING -   Rosie O'Donnell

8:35 pm   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST

8:40 pm   OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry

9.00 pm   MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

10:00 pm    ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin

11:00 pm   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST

11:05 pm   COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND - Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm   FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn

11:30 pm   OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm    Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST

11:50 pm   HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS - Howard Dean

12:15 am   TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST

12:30 am   SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am   NOMINATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA - Nancy Pelosi

1:00 am   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST

1:05 am   CORONATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

1:30 am   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST

1:35 am    Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home

[LennG]

Some great stuff there bama.

I'll drink to that. 

[LennG]

Thanks to Jay Leno:


Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to
> grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going
> to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women
> grow another breast, men will want another hand.'

[dasher]

INTERNATIONAL PUN CONTEST
>
> It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level
> of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International
> Pun Contest.
>
>
> 1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess
> looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
> passenger.
>
>
> 2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and
> says, 'Dam!'
>
>
> 3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
> craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it, too.
>
>
> 4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.'  The other
> says, 'Are you sure?'  The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
>
>
> 5.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
> canal?  His goal:  transcend dental medication.
>
>
> 6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
> the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
> the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why,"
> they asked, as they moved off.   'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand
> chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
>
>
> 7.  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a
> family in Egypt and is named Ahmal.  The other goes to a family in Spain ;
> they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
> birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
> wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, 'They're
> twins!  If you've seen Juan, you' ve seen Ahmal.'
>
>
> 8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a
> small florist shop to raise funds  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
> the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
> unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He
> went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival
> florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
> 'persuade' them to  close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
> saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so,
> thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
>
>
> 9  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
> produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very
> little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
> bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good...) a super
> calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
>
> 10.  And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
> friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
> No pun in ten did.
>
>

[drakew]

"Now THAT is funny! I still think the pun is nearly the highest form of jocularity, next to the dirty Irish Limerick!"