Just a joke

[Sem]

 Every once in a while you receive an email that "warms your heart" and you
just can't wait to pass it along...   

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It is opened
by a little ten year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of
whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
 
Little boy: "What the f$@k do you think?"

[bamagiantfan]

Only pet lovers will understand this.




We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted
back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver
that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-by to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I
hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!
She'd better not take a dump in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

[dasher]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Dang autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[bamagiantfan]

Fun for this time of year

[Sem]

I thought this was funny.

[drakew]

   
HOUSTON - A vehicle involved in a traffic accident careened into a Houston-area Cadillac dealership and struck a row of Escalades, triggering a fire that destroyed six of the pricey SUVs.
   
The general manager of the dealership, Steven Hainline (hay-LINE'), says the loss of the SUVs amounts to about $700,000.
   
He says the episode began early Tuesday morning when two vehicles collided on the Interstate 45 frontage road just north of Houston. A Toyota Scion left the road, traveled through fencing and became wedged among three Escalades. The Scion then caught fire and the flames spread to the SUVs.
   
Authorities say the two motorists involved in the initial wreck suffered injuries not considered life-threatening.
   
Hainline says the fire made "for a really long day."

EDIT TO ADD: i WOULD HAVE PUT THIS IN ODD NEWS. BUT TO HAVE A $15K TOYOTA TAKE OUT $700k OF CADDIES IS TOO FUNNY!

[drakew]

 Jewish woman gave birth to a baby boy.  It was a difficult birth and she was given something to help her sleep.  While she was out, the doctor came in and spoke with the father.  "Sir, your little boy is healthy and normal except for one thing.  He was born with no eyelids.  Not to worry, though, we can do a skin graft from another part of his body and nobody will ever know the difference.  He has to be circumcised anyway, so we are going to use some of the foreskin."  The father agreed and the minor surgery went fine, but he decided not to tell his wife all the details.  Back home a few days later, the bandages were removed and the father said,  "See.  I told you the doctor said it would be fine.  I think he did a great job, don't you, honey?".   The mother examined the boy, turning his head one way and then the other, and said, "I don't know.  Looks a little cockeyed to me."

[Sem]

Funny...

[vette5573]

Funny...

The symbolic crucifixion and end of the innocence.

[Sem]

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[drakew]

Now THAT'S FUNNY! 

[Sem]

Wow, nothing else I can say would do this picture justice.

[Sem]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

[Sem]

Wasn't sure where else to put this. So.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkZGg0qNdCc#t=61

[Sem]

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