Just a joke

[Jim143]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."


The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.


"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.


The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.


Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.


The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.  The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"


The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[babywhales]

Got this one from my mom


      The day finally arrived. 
      Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
      He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
      Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
     
      St. Peter said,
      'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
      We have heard a lot about you.   
      I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
      for everyone.
      The test is short, but you have to pass it
      before you can get into Heaven.'
     
      Forrest responds,
      'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
      But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. 
      I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
      Life was a big enough test as it was.'
     
      St. Peter continued,
      'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
     
       
      First:
      What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
      Second:
      How many seconds are there in a year?
      Third:
      What is God's first name?'
     
     
      Forrest leaves to think the questions over. 
      He returns the next day and
      sees St. Peter,
      who waves him up, and says,
      'Now that you have had a chance to think
      the questions over, tell me your answers'
     
      Forrest replied,
      'Well, the first one --
      which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
      Shucks, that one is easy. 
      That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
     
      The Saint's eyes opened wide and
      he exclaimed,
      'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but
      you do have a point, and
      I guess I did not specify, so
      I will give you credit for that answer.'
      'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter
     
      'How many seconds in a year?
      Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but
      I thunk and thunk about that, and
      I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
     
      Astounded, St. Peter said,
      'Twelve? Twelve?
      Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
     
      Forrest replied,
      'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
      January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '
     
      'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
      'I see where you are going with this, and
      I see your point,
      though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but
      I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
      Let us go on with the third and final question.
      Can you tell me God's first name'?
     
      'Sure,' Forrest replied,
      'it's Andy.'
     
      'Andy?'
      exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
      'Ok, I can understand how you
      came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
      Andy as the first name of God?'
     
      'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
      Forrest replied.
      'I learnt it from the song,
      'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
      ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
      ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' '
     
      St.  Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
      'Run Forrest, run!'

[LennG]

African tribe

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turned black.'

[LennG]

MATRIMONY?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________



                     At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
           'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
                  'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.   
__________   


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'



_________
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE!!!




Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.

[Sam56]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL Moments
       
        1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong
one.     
       
       
        Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX         
       
       
        2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the
patient.         
       
       
        Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .       
       
       
        3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'         
       
       
        Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg       
       
       
        4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.. 'The
patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and
now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.       
       
       
        Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Cl air, Norfolk , VA.       
       
       
        5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete
confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my
husband was alive.'         
       
       
        Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR         
       
       
        6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this
        morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
        to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the
        jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'       
       
       
        Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI         
       
       
        7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
        determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed
on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the
grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'         
       
       
        Submitted by RN, no name       
       
       
        AND FINALLY!!!...       
       
       
        8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was
quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To
cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She
replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'   
       
       
        Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

[babywhales]

Not to pick on women but.........

[Sam56]

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother- In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[babywhales]

Oh yea  Sam, LOL

[LennG]

HE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to '10'.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5...'

...at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky , Arkansas , Texas , Louisiana , Georgia , Mississippi, Missouri , Florida ,Tennessee, West Virginia and Washington DC.

[Painter]

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

[LennG]

Some I've heard before, but others are very cute. 

[babywhales]

And another

[LennG]

A woman sufferjet trying to convert a tribe of indians to catholocism was staying in the encampment to have a greater impact. She happens to notice an indian with a feather and inquires as to where it was from. The indian says , "Aw it because me only fuckum one squaw" A short while later she sees an indian with two and gets a similar story. So as she approaqches the chief she notices a long flowing headpiece with hundreds of feathers in it. She stops the chief and says, "Chief, where on earth did you get all those feathers?"
"Well" says the chief. "Me fuckum every squaw in the valley!"
The woman gasps and says, "How hostile"
The chief says, "Hostile,freestyle,Backstyle. Me no care." The woman says "Oh dear".
The chief quickly adds, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast!"

[Jim143]

A small zoo in Tennessee received a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the ternaries determined the problem.

The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. 'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.' The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. 'Second', he said, 'You can't never tell no one about this.' The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. 'Third', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the chil'drun raised as Baptist.'Once again it was agreed.

4. 'And last of all', Bobby Lee stated, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.

[drakew]

"A TRUE southern style joke, I spewed the coffee..."