Just a joke

[babywhales]

Lenn and Jim,

[dasher]

A Florida senior citizen named Weeze drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road,  he pushed it to  80 mph, enjoying
the  wind blowing through  what little hair he had left.  "Amazing," he
thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the  pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the  state trooper behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.  He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then
120.  Suddenly he  thought, "What am I doing?  I'm too old for this," and
pulled  over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Porsche,  looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that  I've never heard before, I'll let
you go."

  Weeze paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my girlfriend ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were  bringing her back." 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper. 

[LennG]

The 'Perfect Password'

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would
now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
(keep scrolling down)



**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Sam56]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',  she volunteered.  The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,   he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went   'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss'...........And before he could say 'xxxx', the Rottweiler ate him!

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

[Jim143]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: Oops...

[MightyGiants]

Compliment


A woman was standing nude looking in her bedroom mirror.

She said to her husband,

[LennG]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy.
'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts
'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[bamagiantfan]

Fred was  in trouble.  He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.  She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect
to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds, AND IT BETTER BE  THERE!!'
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and
sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of
the driveway.
Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Fred has been missing since Friday.  Please pray for him.

[MightyGiants]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[Jim143]

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie, it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

[Sam56]

 Investment  tips for 2008

With all  the turmoil in the market and the collapse of Lehman Bros  and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.   For  all of  you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so  that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. 

Watch for these  consolidations  later on this year: 

1. Hale Business Systems,  Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge  and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller,  Grace.

2. Polygram Records,  Warner  Bros., and Zesta Crackers  join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker. 

3.  3M will merge with  Goodyear and become:

MMMGood. 

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
 
ZipAudiDoDa . 

5. FedEx  is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
 
FedUP. 

6.  Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild. 

7. Grey  Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants. 

8.  Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will  become:

Knott NOW! 

And  finally...

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
 
TittyTittyBangBang

[LennG]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says.

Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

[dasher]

A little humor which we could all use these days....

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
$33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have
received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

[bamagiantfan]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped
fishing!!

[LennG]

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot to numb him.

'No way. No needles. I hate needles.' says the patient.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
again objects.'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking
a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't,' says the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth.'