Just a joke

[squibber]

For those who like puns.

1.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He
acquired his size from too much  pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian  .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol  was confiscated from algebra class because it was
a weapon of math  disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the  meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
6. No matter how much you push the  envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A  dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for  littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a  kitchen in France would result in Linoleum 
Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an  arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has  been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into  it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet  organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat  rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here; I'll go  on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A chicken  crossing the road is poultry in motion.
16. The  short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
17. The man who survived mustard gas and  pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
18. A  backward poet writes inverse.
19. In democracy  it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that  votes.
20. When  cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of  religion.

[Sam56]

I think most of us must have some Irish in us (my wife's name is Catherine Helen, her father was a large Irish homicide Lt. in Queens, NY and the family enjoyed drinking a hell of a lot, with cousins and other relatives who also were cops, firemen, a nun, a priest and yes, alcohol was a heaven sent drink).

IN AN IRISH FAMILY---

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IN AN IRISH FAMILY

1) You will never play professional basketball.

2) You swear very well.

3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office. And you have at   least one aunt who is a nun or uncle who's a priest.

4) You think you sing very well.

5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!

6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing  someone.

7) Many of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin.

8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.

9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.

10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.

11) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.

12) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen  and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.

13) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.

14) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing..

15) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.

16) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are,  but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.

17) There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.

18) You are, or know someone, named  Murph.

19) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know Sully.  Then you  probably know  McMurphy.

20) You are genetically incapable of keeping a  secret.

21) You have Irish Alzheimer's, you forget everything but the grudges!

22) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'

23) Your skin's ability to tan not so much. (Only in spots!)

24) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of whiskey.

25) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.

26) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other. Not fighting, mind you, just  not speaking to each other.

And once in your life you should experience a REAL Irish wake!

[Jim143]

Great Sam - I need to "appropriate" this and post is elsewhere. . .

[Sam56]

Be my guest.

[Jim143]

And Now for the rest of the story.........


"It is all so beautiful, God," Eve replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. "

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

[Rocky56]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[LennG]

Come on Rock, tell us the truth, that was YOU, right   

[LennG]

my son sent me this, pretty funny, especially from a still sort of newlywed


MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE (this is not always true!)

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.
ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[dasher]

Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man named Peter shuffled slowly into 'Scoops', an ice cream parlor
near Vanderbuilt Beach, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

[LennG]

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT :

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
A JOB,
A DRIVERS LICENSE,
A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION,
FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON ,
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY

[LennG]

Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2007(in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit  ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3... Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number  20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un  hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[Webster29]

 

Lenn that was great.   But the sad part is there is a lot of truth in it.  I printed it out and showed it around at work and that was pretty much the sentiment.

It made me think of my last trip to the old Yankee Stadium.   My son and I went to Old Timers Day there 2 years ago.  I went to get us a couple of beers.  It looked like the best deal on beer was 24 oz Heineken for $12.50.   So I ordered 2 and took out a twenty and a ten.  The gal took the money and gave me this blank stare.   Then she takes out a hunk of cardboard and writes 12.50 down twice and adds it up to get 25.00    She then writes 30.00 down and subtracts the 25 and finally gives me the $5 change.  I give her credit for getting it right but it was sad to see what she had to go through to come up with it.

[Sect122Mike]

Lenn that was great.   But the sad part is there is a lot of truth in it.  I printed it out and showed it around at work and that was pretty much the sentiment.

It made me think of my last trip to the old Yankee Stadium.   My son and I went to Old Timers Day there 2 years ago.  I went to get us a couple of beers.  It looked like the best deal on beer was 24 oz Heineken for $12.50.   So I ordered 2 and took out a twenty and a ten.  The gal took the money and gave me this blank stare.   Then she takes out a hunk of cardboard and writes 12.50 down twice and adds it up to get 25.00    She then writes 30.00 down and subtracts the 25 and finally gives me the $5 change.  I give her credit for getting it right but it was sad to see what she had to go through to come up with it.

Its crazy how bad math skills have gotten.  That joke is funny though. Thanks. 

[LennG]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

[bamagiantfan]

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
           Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
           Hurt, I no come wok.'
           
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
           You today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
           Tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I
           Go to work. You try that.   
     
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
      And I feel Great. I be at wok soon.........You got nice house'.