Just a joke

[babywhales]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and whispered, 'guess Who?'  I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.  The room had candles and rose petals all over.  On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!   
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.  And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

Soooo, here I am.

[NYSPORTS]

I'm too ADD to read these jokes which are like short stories.   

[St Marys]

Was walking down the High Street with my wife the other day when we passed this new restaurant.
"Aw, that smell was delicious", "we should go there some time".
Ever the good guy, I thought I should treat her.
So we walked past it again.

[drakew]

Man calls 911 and says  "I think my wife is dead"!  The operator says how do you know? He  says "The sex is the same, but the laundry is piling up!"       
             
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the  biggest penis that she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling  my leg." 
             
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly  my girlfriend yet.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this  morning, can you believe that...2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still  up playing my Electric Guitar. 
                         
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going  fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt to check  my prostate!  Do you think I should change dentists? 





A farmer in Saskatchewan has  successfully grown a field of vibrators. Unfortunately, he now has a  problem with  squatters.               
             
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking  behind my back.  He says what do you expect?  You're in a wheel chair. 
             
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get  reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she  would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening.  " 
                     
The wife has been missing a  week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the  thrift shop to get all her clothes  back.

[weeze]

hey drake, ive called you about 6 times. whats up?
why does the rf modulator send the audio through no problem but if you turn tv 1 off, tv 2 picture freezes. since tv 2 is a older one non hi def, i cant tell if the signal arrivuing is hi def or not. i see commericals with the sides cut off the picture so to speak but i dont know if thats "normal' for a non hi def tv or not. makes me wonder what the signal is, hi def or not. and of course i dont own a 3rd hi def tv to check.
outside of that nothing else to report. on the medical front we got some additional meds that i dont want to bore people here with so ill save it for next time i talk to you which at this rate is 8 months from now..................
freaking toyota pimpwagon driver

[weeze]

'"well im one toke over the line sweet jesus, one toke over the line. sittin' downtown in a railway station one toke over the line.
waitin' for the train to take me home sweet mary, hoping that the train is on time. sittin' downtown in a railway station one toke over the line."
thought you were going to call me at 7 last night. what you do, sit down and toke up?

[LennG]

A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and
they proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the
pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook.

"So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose
that leg?"

"Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me
overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off
and I've had this peg leg ever since."

"Wow!" says the sailor. "And how'd you get the hook?"

"We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some
scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had
this hook ever since."

"Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?"

"Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in me
eye."

"A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.

"Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me first
day with the new hook."

[LennG]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

      'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

      The father, surprised, answers,
      'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

      In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

      In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but
      hanging a bit.

      After 50, they are like onions'.

      'Onions?'

      'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'



      This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
said,

      'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?

      The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

     'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

      In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
      hard.

      In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but
      reliable.

      After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

      'A Christmas tree?'

      'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for
      decoration.'

[drakew]

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

[LennG]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.  Inside, he finds a
couple in bed.  He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

  While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this
  guy is an escaped convict.  Look at his clothes!  He's probably spent a lot
  of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.  I saw how he kissed your
  neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do what ever he
  tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.  This guy is
  obviously very dangerous.  If he gets angry, he'll kill us both . Be strong,
  honey.  I love you!'

  His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.  He was whispering in my
  ear.  He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
  Vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey.  I love you
  too.'

[St Marys]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year blonde girl replaced all the windows in her house with those expensive triple-pane energy- efficient kind.   Today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,.............just because she's blonde doesn't nean that she is automatically stupid.   She  told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year, namely that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year!, she told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line.   
So, she hung up.

[St Marys]

Can you imagine a Num grading papers, trying to keep a straight face and her compoure.

The following come, supposedly, from a Catholic school test where kids were asked about the old and new testaments.

1.
In the first book of the bible, Guinnesis, God got tied of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.   Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built  and Arkthe animals came on in pears.

3.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. 
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6.
Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7.
Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is breas without any ingredients.

8.
The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  afterwards Moses went up to Mountcyanide to get the ten commmandments.

9.
The first ten commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. 
Moses died before he ever reached Canada then joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12.
The greatest miricle in the bible was when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. 
David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.  He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in blblical times.

14.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines

15.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. 
When the 3 wise guys from the east arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. 
Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they  do one to you.  He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22.
The epistels were the wives of the apostels.

23.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24.
St Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25.
Christians have only one spouse.  This is called monotony. 

[tomeee]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!

[Sem]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitche n and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing 
to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother !'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[drakew]

+1!