Just a joke

[Sect122Mike]

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.
The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike...

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

________________________________________

Taking his seat on a plane one day, Robert was overjoyed to see a beautiful woman making her way toward the seat next to him. Eager to get her talking, he asked, "So where are you flying to today?"

"I'm heading for the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Las Vegas," she said with a smile.

Robert was even happier. A beautiful woman, right next to him on the plane, and she was going to a Nymphomaniac Convention!

"What will you do at the convention?" he asked, trying not to show his excitement.

"I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality," she explained.

"What myths are those?" he asked.

"Well, one myth says African-American males are the most well-endowed, when actually it is Native American men who are most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, but research shows that the best lovers are Jewish men." Suddenly she became embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I know this topic must sound a little strange. I don't even know your name!"

The man held out his hand to her. "It's Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

________________________________________________________

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

___________________________________________________


Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[St Marys]

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died, so the director started looking for a new one to hire.   A old drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

This wasn't the kind of person we want to hire, thought the director.   But he felt sorry for the old man, so he thought he would give him a glass to drink before sending him on his way.

"It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".   Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss, clearly impressed.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''Pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.   He winked at his secretary to suggest something.   She left the room only to appear moments later with a glass of urine in her hand.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant.   If you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[St Marys]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[St Marys]

My wife complained that I was prone to exaggeration.   "I've told you a million times, honey, that's not true", I said.   

Looking to cool down, I left the room.  And that's when I nearly tripped over my penis.

[Sect122Mike]

Two drunks are drinking in a fifth story bar. After a few drinks one drunk goes over to the window jumps up onto the window ledge and jumps out the window. A few minutes later he comes walking up the steps sits back down at the bar and has a few more drinks.

He repeats this process several times and finally the second drunk turns to the first drunk and ask- "How are you surviving? This bar is five stories up. How are you not dead from jumping out that window"?

First drunk- "Oh, the way this building is built there is a updraft and with all the gasses in your body you just float right down".

Second Drunk- "I've got to try this"! Finishes his drink. Jumps off the bar stool marches over to the window. Jumps up onto the window ledge. Jumps out the window. SPLAT!

Bartender looks at the first drunk: "You know you are a complete jerk when you drink, Superman."

[dasher]

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and was ready for some R&R. On Friday afternoon he looked up his pals Batman and Spider-Man to see if they were up for going on the prowl that evening.


Both turn him down on account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on her deck.


"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie and fly away before she knows what happened."


So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.


Wonder Woman asks, "What was that?"


The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

[Sect122Mike]

For our "mature" members ...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Sect122Mike]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

______________________________________________________

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[LennG]

A North Carolina State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.  He sees a couple in a car parked in the local lovers' lane with the interior light brightly glowing.  He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.  He notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks up to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.  The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:

'And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused.  A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane...and nothing romantic is going on!


The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: 'And her... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."                                                           

[bamagiantfan]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.    Fortunately there are some  exceptional people who give us hope.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:
                                     "I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm
                                        fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is
                                       converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

[Sem]

        A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I
        haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
        "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
        "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
        "Well," said the pirate, "Thats nothing We were in a battle, and
        I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

        The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
        happened to your hand?"

        The pirate explained, "Thats nothing , We were in another
        battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was
        cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

        "What about that eye patch?"

        "Oh," said the pirate, "now that was something . One day we were
        at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of
        them shits in my eye."

        "You're kidding," said the bartender. "Thats awful but you don't
        lose an eye just from bird xxxx."

        "You do if it was my first day with the hook."

[babywhales]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He t...old the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed ...out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........ !

[murderhill]

Bill comes to work speaking in a hoarse voice. Ralph asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced his ball out of bounds and into a pasture.

However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stuck in the back end of the cow.

He lifted up the cow's tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"

That's when she hit him in the throat with a 3 iron.

[LennG]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in from of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
 
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."


The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[dasher]

Guaranteed awful:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down..

I saw a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Velcro ? what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist.. He has fillings, too.