Just a joke

[drakew]

I have a hard time believing this, so I'm going to post it in the Joke thread. A member of our spyder forum from Australia posted a scanned image of a newspaper article about this.

A married couple drove to a shopping center on a hot day. On the way the engine started making an odd noise. The husband told his wife to go on in and shop while he futzed around with the car to see if he could fix it.

When she returned a small crowd was around the car. To her horror she could see two hairy legs sticking out from under the car, and the man's junk was hanging out of his short pants because he didn't have underwear on.

To save further embarrassment she got down and stuffed his reproductive organs back up into his shorts.

Her husband, who had been standing behnind her said, "What are you doing?"

The tow truck driver who had been under the car had to get a few stitches on his forehead.

[LennG]

[The Chief]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen.

And finally.........
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it

[The Chief]

Lance Armstrong Defense
Quote of the Day:

[Rocky56]

A young guy from MINNESOTA moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store
looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah.
I was a salesman back in MINNESOTA.
"Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one?  Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said,
"Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........."

[dasher]

Black Bra (as told by Mrs. Goldstein)

I  recently had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were  chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a  mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange  notes.

Here's how it all went......................
Engaged  friend:
The  other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black  leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You  are the woman of my  dreams...I love you.' Then we made  passionate love all night long.

The Mistress:
The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a  raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to  tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then Mrs. Goldstein shared her story:
When Leonard came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said:


(You  are going to  love this.................. as only Len could say)






"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[dasher]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.  The 6 year old
asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to
cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.  The 6 year old
continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
hell and you say something with ass."  The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.  When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6
year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I
guess I'll have some Cheerios."  WHACK!  He flies out of his chair,
tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying
his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with
every step.  His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay
there until I let you out!"  She then comes back downstairs, looks at
the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for
breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

[MightyGiants]

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

[dasher]

Knock, knock -
Who's There?
Owen.
Owen, who?
Oh and 6.

[drakew]

NYUK NYUK NYUK NYUK.....

[LennG]

1.Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.





7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theatre& Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

[LennG]

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was
rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and
then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "
1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

[drakew]

In the midst of a firey sermon, the preacher stopped and asked the congregation "Resurrection! Do you know what the Resurrection is?"

A small boy, 4 or 5 years old, stood up and said "I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours, you should call a doctor."

[LennG]

ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN:


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:


First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

MEXICAN WOMEN:


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.



JEWISH WOMEN:



First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.

ARAB WOMEN:


First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.

No third date!

The POINT?

'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH'

[Sem]

We had a power outage last week.  My PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, and it was raining.

I couldn't golf, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.