Just a joke

[Ed Vette]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

[drakew]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him

[Sem]

An older lady went to visit her son and daughter in law. No one answered the bell, but finding the door unlocked she entered to see the daughter in law lying on the couch completely naked. She was surrounded by candles and soft music was playing.

The older lady inquired, "What on earth are you doing?"

Her daughter in law replied, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home. This is my love suit, when ever I wear it, as soon as he sees me he ravages me and we make mad passionate love."

The older lady left and hurried home. She filled the living room with lit candles and put on soft music, she took off all her clothes and laid on the couch to wait for her husband.

The old man came in to find her laying there in the nude. He asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

She replied in a soft sexy voice, "This is my love suit."

He responded, "Well it needs ironing. What's for dinner?"

[The Chief]

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~



We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public
office.

~Aesop~


If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to
heaven.

~Will Rogers~



Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~ 



When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~



Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~ 



Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~   



Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~



I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~



A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.

~Tex Guinan~



I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~



Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~





















 

[Jolly Blue Giant]

I'm a newbie and I've read several pages of jokes, but I haven't read all 39 pages, so maybe this one has already been told. The joke of Paddy McCoy reminded me of one. So here goes:


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick

[bamagiantfan]

Some new answers to the old question; Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Who knows? Why do chickens do anything they do!?

To prove to the possum that it can be done.

Because sitting in the middle of it seemed like a bad idea.

Crack.

I don

[LennG]

Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do You stay in such great physical condition?'
 
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
 
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
 
"Who said he was dead?"
 
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
 
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
 
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
 
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
 
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
 
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
 
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
 
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
 
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
 
 
'Who said he wanted to?'
 
 

[LennG]

 Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby. 
  
The doctor replied, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.'
  
The woman thought to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...'   Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'
  
  'Denise,' said the doctor. The new mother was somewhat relieved.  'Wow, that's a beautiful name, Perhaps I was wrong about my brother,' she thought....'I really like Denise.'
  
  Then she asked, 'What's the boy's name?'
  
  The doctor replied,  'Denephew.'

[Ed Vette]

An Italian Joke. Disclaimer, I'm Italian...

Why Italians make bad medics.

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal
grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "Yo, I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay...
Now what?"

[Sem]

Is this a joke?

[Jolly Blue Giant]

One liners that made me laugh:

"My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she isn't exactly my girlfriend yet"

"My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM.
Can you believe that? 2:30 in the morning!
Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes"

"Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy"

"I was at an A.T.M. yesterday.
A little old lady asked if I would check her balance, so I gave her a shove.
She didn't have any"

[LennG]

One liners that made me laugh:

"My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she isn't exactly my girlfriend yet"

"My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM.
Can you believe that? 2:30 in the morning!
Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes"

"Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy"

"I was at an A.T.M. yesterday.
A little old lady asked if I would check her balance, so I gave her a shove.
She didn't have any"

Da-Da-Dum

I can just see Henny Youngman or Rodney Dangerfield saying those lines. 

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Da-Da-Dum

I can just see Henny Youngman or Rodney Dangerfield saying those lines. 

I was thinking Steven Wright as he is (was) the king of one liners at one time. I don't know if he's still around or not.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Bill: Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike

Dan: No kidding. I didn't even know you liked Mike let alone thought of him as your best friend. When did he become your best friend?

Bill: Yesterday

[Sem]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.