Just a joke

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Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender sez "Say, fellow, why the long face?"

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Celine Deion walks into a bar.
Bartender sez "Say, fellow, why the long face?"

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Descartes walks into a bar.
Bartender sez "Ya wanna beer?"
Descartes says, "I think not"
Descartes disappears,,,,

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WEEZE walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: "Do you serve lawyers here?".
The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!"

WEEZE says, "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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(Sorry, an engineering joke)

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(Sorry, as a lifelong musician...)

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the   monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did  just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to xxxx that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

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A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes."

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I already told you, we don't have any grapes."

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says,"HEY DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES"

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, WE WILL NEVER HAVE GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR ORANGE BEAK TO THE BAR!"

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Got any grapes?"

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An elderly Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of beer. The bartender asks, "why 3?" The man replies, "I'm drinking for myself and my 2 brothers, who live far away." He does this every day for several weeks. One day he comes in and orders only 2 pints. The bartender is concerned, and says, "I'm sorry for your loss." The man replies, "Nobody died." "Then why only 2 beers today?" asks the bartender. "Oh that. Well, you see, I quit drinkin'."

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Watch out for the pun::::

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother.

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A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"

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 This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable,  will he get a free beer? The bartender says alright. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley. Well, a man at the end of the bar said, "That's amazing, I'll give you $1,000 for the frogs." The man agreed and the guy took off with the frogs. The bartender said to him, "You're mad, you could have gotten heaps more for the frogs !!" The man said, "frogs are easy to come by but the hamster's a friggen ventriloquist."

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For you Scots like me.....

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started wailing away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizzy Gillespie. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna f_ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

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A nun walks into a bar, and a drunk suddenly staggers right up and punches her, knocking the nun out cold. As the bouncers drag the drunk away, the drunk shouts at the nun, "Not so tough NOW, are ya, Batman?!"