Just a joke

[drakew]

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."

"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.

The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.

"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.

Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.

He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.

The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[drakew]

A rabbi, a priest, and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says "Is this some sort of joke?"

[drakew]

A man walks into a bar and yells "All lawyers are jerks!"
A guy at the end of the bar says "I object to that remark."
The bartender rolls his eyes and says "And I suppose you're a lawyer?"
The guy at the end of the bar says "No - I'm a jerk."

[Sem]

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes."

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I already told you, we don't have any grapes."

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says,"HEY DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES"

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, WE WILL NEVER HAVE GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR ORANGE BEAK TO THE BAR!"

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Got any grapes?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

[drakew]

Sem yu are an awesome Binghamton Beast.
I am an Maine Endwell;kid

Great thread, thanx bud

[drakew]

REALLY OLD JOKE...

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"
One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."
The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me."
He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?"
The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."
The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."
The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again."
He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."
The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it."
He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.
The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.
The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills with a smile on his face, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100, you just LOST $100, why are you smiling??"
The drunk says, "you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time?
just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face."
,

[drakew]

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I

[drakew]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him, a look at the steering wheel, and says "Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate response, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"

[Sem]

Sem yu are an awesome Binghamton Beast.
I am an Maine Endwell;kid

Great thread, thanx bud

Actually went to Union-Endicott, and I did date a girl from M-E when I was in high school.

[drakew]

Ran xcountry for Jennie F Snapp for 2 yrs, lived on Rivder Terrace just down from Pat's iced cream store, rode sleds down roundtop....

[Sem]

Drake, I went to JFS, Kindergarten through 9th.
Caught a bad case of poison ivy on Roundtop.
Probably ate my weight in Pat Mitchell's ice cream over the years. The best I've ever eaten, easily better than Ben and Jerry's.
Used to tube down the "Susquey" with my fishing pole and a six-pack.
Accidentally burned down 25 acres of the woods above West Corners in 1970.

Thanks for the memories.

[Sem]

Q: What cost 45 cents?

A: A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickleback

[Sem]

A blonde was sitting in the bar watching the late news. There was one other patron . On the news was a story of a man who was standing on the ledge of a 4 story building threatening to jump. The guy also watching says "I bet $50 you he'll jump", and the blonde says "ok I bet $50 you he won't ".

The man jumped, so the blonde pulls out her purse and says "here's your $50", and the guy said "no I can't accept it. I watched the early news and heard that he jumped".
Then the blonde replied "So did I but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

[Sem]

[drakew]

AND.... I can still quote "Invictus" by William Earnest Henley absolutely perfectly....thanx to my English teacher at JFS.