Just a joke

[eilasidogruoy]

Got a text reply from someone the other day that said IDK. What

[T200]

Got a text reply from someone the other day that said IDK. What

[MightyGiants]

Seems like civilians are trying to be like the military and creating acronyms for everything. IDK is an acronym for "I Don't Know"

To be fair, acronyms make sense when you are texting

[T200]

To be fair, acronyms make sense when you are texting

For brevity's sake, I get it. I'm old school though... I spell everything out. I'm a Grammar Grump, but just not on JimV's level 

[Jim143]

For brevity's sake, I get it. I'm old school though... I spell everything out. I'm a Grammar Grump

Me too.  I even go to extremes.  Some of my texts are like War and Peace.  It probably would have been faster and easier to just call the person, but I so hate talking on the phone.

[T200]

Me too.  I even go to extremes.  Some of my texts are like War and Peace.  It probably would have been faster and easier to just call the person, but I so hate talking on the phone.

Good thing text messages are free now! 

[LennG]

I can relate to this

[LennG]

and another

[LennG]

[LennG]

[LennG]

 Employee Notice 
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. 
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). 
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate. 
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). 
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much xxxx (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. 
The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of xxxx they give our citizens. 
Should you feel that you do not receive enough xxxx, please bring this to the attention of your manager, who has been trained to give you all the xxxx you can handle. 
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[T200]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he's pretty much urinated all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head into his hands.

"Are you OK?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[Sem]

Near the tomb of King Tut-an-khamen, archeologists found the tomb of his ex-wife, Nothin'-in-khamen.

I tried to donate blood today. Never again. There were too many stupid questions. "Who's blood is it?", "Where did you get it?", "Why is it in a bucket?"

I was walking past a farm when I saw a sign that read, "Duck, eggs." I thought that was an unnecessary comma. Then it hit me.

"Do you have that new self-help book about small penises?" the man asked the librarian.
"I don't think it's in yet," the librarian answered.
"Yes," the man said. "That's the one."

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night. From now on, that's how I'm watching all documentaries.

I'm selling off all my old chiropractor magazines. I've got lots of back issues.

The inventor of velcro died. RIP.

My doctor prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.

Someone has been stealing the wheels off police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now, we wait.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 o'clock in the morning. Can you believe that? Good thing I was still up, playing my drums.

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian," is a fun thing to say whenever someone tries to hand you their baby.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries a photo of one of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

I make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

[eilasidogruoy]

My wife saw a cockroach in the bathroom. She freaked out and started scrubbing and cleaning everything thoroughly. Tomorrow I

[LennG]