Just a joke

[LennG]

Today's funnies

[LennG]

Today's funnies require some thought

[LennG]

Hilarious



https://youtu.be/obwxVWXjVLw

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Hilarious



https://youtu.be/obwxVWXjVLw

          

[Ed Vette]

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors concerned for her safety asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"       

The wife said,  " Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

[LennG]

Weekend funnies

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A lady went to her priest one day and explained to him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you would be embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I might have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray all day, it's quite cute. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that awful phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this might very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her two female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes...wanna to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied...... 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[MightyGiants]

Want to feel old?

[Jolly Blue Giant]

For you beer connoisseurs! LOL

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for drinks.

Corona's president sat down and said, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender took a bottle from the shelf and gave it to him.

Then Budweiser's president said, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gave him one.

Coors' president said, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sat down and said, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents looked over at him bewildered and asked, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replied, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."

[LennG]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The
man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man
arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 year
sold) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition"
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are
coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling, and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"... I
just lost it."
CASE DISMISSED!

[LennG]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new Wives duties at home.

The first man had married a woman from  Illinois  and had told her
that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple
days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes
washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Georgia. He had given his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and food was on the table.

The third man had married a girl from  Iowa . He told her that her
duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself
a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

She replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

[Ed Vette]

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari.

No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a strip per at a ga y bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .

[Jolly Blue Giant]

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari.

No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .