Press Release from Pat Hanlon: Reference Giants new team record

[MightyGiants]

This is reported with tongue firmly in cheek   

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM THE OFFICE OF PAT HANLON (CURRENTLY OCCUPYING A STOOL AT SULLY'S PUB)
DATE: DECEMBER 22, 2024

"TO THE PRESS: CUT IT OUT, YOU WEEASLY LOT"

Alright, you pack of headline-chasing vultures, I'm coming at you hot—straight from my phone, which, might I add, is balancing precariously next to my third pint of Guinness. We're gonna set the record straight right now before I lose all patience (and maybe my bar tab).

Yes, we've lost 10 games in a row. A new record, you say? Well, congratulations to you for counting to double digits. Here's your gold star. But don't even THINK about dragging the fine, hardworking men and women in our front office into your little pity parade of doom and gloom.

This management team—my management team—is full of the smartest, toughest, and most forward-thinking football minds in the business. You wanna know why we're not panicking? Because we've got a plan, and plans take time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are dynasties. So while you lot are sharpening your pens, churning out your cheap-shot op-eds, and inventing "sources," we're over here laying the groundwork for the next great chapter in Giants history.

But no, you can't see that, can you? Too busy writing stuff like "The Giants Hit Rock Bottom Again" or "Has Management Lost the Plot?" Let me tell you, if you print another line of that drivel, I'll personally show up at your press room, slam your laptop shut, and confiscate your coffee machine.

You think it's easy to rebuild a team? Let me see YOU put together a roster when half the fan base wants to draft a quarterback, the other half wants to trade for a receiver, and some lunatic on Twitter is demanding we sign Tom Brady's clone. It's chaos! And yet here we are, grinding every day, ready to turn this ship around.

To the press, consider this your one and only warning: stop kicking us when we're down, or I swear to all that is sacred (including my pint of Jameson) that I'll revoke your press passes faster than you can say "Eli Manning is a legend."

To the fans, we love you. We know it's tough right now, but we're building something special—you'll see. Stay loyal. Don't let the media twist your love for this team. When we rise, and we will, you'll remember who stood by us.

And finally, to anyone thinking of printing the phrase "dumpster fire" in reference to this franchise—don't. I'm watching you.

Signed with passion,
Pat Hanlon
VP of Public Relations
New York Football Giants

P.S. This message was crafted under the influence of emotion and possibly a wee bit of whiskey. Don't test me, though. I mean every word.

[TDToomer]

Unreal. Wow...that's the tone to set? Bobby and Justin will take it up, Pat.


As should others in the loop. cmon.

You're not taking this seriously right?

Sounds like Vic DiBetitto should narrate this rant.

[kartanoman]

Hi Rich @MightyGiants .

To quote one of the old Guinness commercials:

BRILLIANT!

You talked me into another pint, since Hanlon's still got the tab. If he kicks us out, my bar fridge has plenty Extra Stout to keep things rolling along!

Peace!