Just a joke

[LennG]

Getting old

[Jolly Blue Giant]

[LennG]

Saturday food for thought

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Lenn, you could add:

[Rosehill Jimmy]

Elmer Fudd and Daffy Duck were getting ready to rob a distillery. Daffy asks Elmer "is this whiskey?"  Elmer replies "Yes.  But not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"

[LennG]

Some funnies for July 4th

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with a naked woman who happened to be the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Ed Vette]

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
😊

[Sem]

A guy walks past and sees an older dog with a sign around it's neck - For Sale - Talking Dog - $10.00.

The guy was dubious and said to the dog, "Can you really talk?"

The dog said, "Yes I can. In fact I have been talking for years since I was a puppy. Because of my skills I became a spy and flew all over the world on secret missions. I eventually retired and settled down with the family and kids. Now everyone has moved on and here am I by myself"

The man was amazed and spoke to the owner, "$10.00! Why would you sell a talking dog for just $10?"



The owner replied,"He's a liar, he never did any of that crap."

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Izzy and Abe go out to dinner with their wives every Saturday night, they've been doing it for years. Izzy and Abe are in the front seats, their wives in the back. Izzy turns to Abe.

"Where should we eat tonight," says Izzy.

"I don't know," says Abe. "How about that one Italian restaurant? The one with the great Lasagna?"

"What's the name of the restaurant?" asks Izzy.

"I don't know! You know I can't remember anything," says Abe. "Wait, what's the name of a flower?"

"Tulip?" says Izzy.

"No, no, that's not it," says Abe.

"Magnolia?" says Izzy.

"No! Something simpler," says Abe

"Rose??" says Izzy.

"Yeah, that's it!" says Abe, turning to the backseat, "Hey Rose! What's the name of that restaurant?"

[LennG]

A few new ones

[LennG]

And one more, for good measure

[Jolly Blue Giant]

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

[LennG]

And still more funnies

[Jolly Blue Giant]

It's 1933 and President Roosevelt is taking the country off the gold standard. Everyone is directed to turn in their gold coins and certificates at any bank and exchange them for paper money. After 90 days it will be illegal for American citizens to possess gold coins

Mae West has a large number of gold coins but she has no intention of handing them over. She decides to hide them in a safety deposit box for awhile, so she gathers them up and heads for the bank

The clerk is impressed by how many she has, and says to her, "Miss West, it looks like you've been hoarding"

Mae replies, "Never mind how I got them, just give me the receipt"