Just a joke

[T200]

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[Jolly Blue Giant]

A priest and a redneck are pulled from the audience on a televised game show. To win the grand prize, the winner must write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu"

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.

But then it's the redneck's turn, with his winning masterpiece:

"Tim and I to Nor'lins we went
We met three women who were cheap to rent
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two" 

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A 65 year old man went to the doctor? After the examination the doctor said, "Clyde, you're in remarkable shape. I don't even have any suggestions. Just curious, how old was your father when he passed away?"
Clyde surprised responded, "What, my father died?"
The doctor replied, "No, I just figured at your age, but I'm not surprised. How old is he?"
Clyde quipped, "He's 85."
Doc said,, "OK, how old was your grandfather when he passed?"
Clyde, with another look of surprise asks, "What, papaw died?"
The doctor is incredulous. "You're grandfather is alive too, amazing. How old is he?"
Well, he's 105 and he's why I'm getting my physical. I have to fly out to his wedding. He's marrying a 25 year old."
Doc intrigued now asked, "Why in the world would a 105 year old want to marry at 25 year old?"
Clyde said with a wry smile, "Who says he WANTED to?"

[Ed Vette]

 

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me, it was her beautiful younger sister:

My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived  and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said. "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said. "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.".....
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car....😉

[Jolly Blue Giant]

          

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I suspect"

[T200]

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic to find out why it wasn't working right.

Mechanic: "It'll be about an hour to diagnose it."

Penguin: "I'll be across the street getting something to eat."

Penguin goes back to the repair shop and the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "Nah, it's just a little ice cream."

[Ed Vette]

A family from  Birmingham decided to try a nudist camping resort for a cheap holiday:

On their first day there their young son went off to explore the site.

Some time later he came back to the tent and said,

"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls."

"They've got these HUGE..."

"Yes, well." His mother snaps. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again.

"Mom, You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there."

"They have these HUGE..."

"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man." Says his mother.

"Really?" The boy said, frowning and looking  puzzled. "Well it looks like we might be in trouble then, Mom."

"Why, honey?" asks his mom.

"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Two old ladies - dear friends for years - found themselves (much to their surprise) sitting on a park bench in Heaven.

"Millie, what the heck happened?" asked Betsy

"Well", said Millie, "I came home early from shopping and noticed things were different at home. I became suspicious when Bill started acting strangely so I knew I had finally caught him with another woman that I had suspected for some time. So I ran upstairs to the bedroom, ruffled through the closet, looked under the bed, then ran up to the attic. I knew that slut was hiding in there somewhere. When I couldn't find her, I started checking every other room in the house even running down in the cellar and checking the garage. When I was running back up the stairs from the cellar, I collapsed with a heart attack and...well...here I am. How'd you die Betsy?"

"Well", said Betsy, "if you had looked in the freezer neither one of us would be here"

[MightyGiants]

Don't be Emanuel 

https://twitter.com/AndrewBrandt/status/1548404638080049153

[Ed Vette]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
 SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
 THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
 THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
 THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
 HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
 HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
 "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

[Ed Vette]

Timmy takes Lassie to school and tells the class that Lassie can talk. The kids tell him to prove it.

"Lassie, what's over our heads?"
"Roof! Roof!"

"Lassie, what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Ruff! Ruff!"

"Lassie, who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
"Ruff! Ruff!"

The kids all groan and mock Timmy.


Lassie: "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LennG]

cartoon for today

[T200]

 

[LennG]

Times sure have changed