Just a joke

[LennG]

Confucius Did Not Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car
gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .
           "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[T200]

Nor did Confucius say,

"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."

"Man who go to bed with itchy bottom wake up with stinky finger."

[LennG]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an.hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be a politician."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the very first time in their lives.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an elderly lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The stunned son asked his father, "what just happened?"

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..."I don't know son, but go get your Mother."

[LennG]

Morbid but funny--Tombstones

[T200]

I like the text forwarding one!     

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A man escaped from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen honey, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes and all those prison tats! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. So if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

[LennG]

try these tombstones on for size

[LennG]

and even more

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,

"Please untie her, please, let her go!"

The thief responds with,

"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"

The man yet again pleads,

"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,

"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,

"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"

"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"

[Ed Vette]

I went down  to the psychiatric ward the other day to visit my buddy as I'm walking down the hall I hear a roomful of people yelling 14,14,14,, being curious I looked through the keyhole and a stick came out and poked me in the eye and then I heard them yelling 15,15,15

[Jolly Blue Giant]

[LennG]

Sunday humor

[LennG]

some very cute signs

[LennG]

Today's funnies