Just a joke

[Ed Vette]

.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Ahhh...the religious jokes:

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, and Protestants gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.

The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids.

The Priest said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof and even bit a person.

The Protestant pastor then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

A man's beloved cat died 

He wanted a nice funeral for his cat so he walked down the street to the nearest church which happened to be a Presbyterian establishment. He told the preacher his dilemma and was told, "we can't have a funeral for an animal in this church, it would be sacrilegious"

So the man went to the next church and it was a Catholic one. Upon explaining his dilemma to the priest, again he was told that could not happen and would be sacrilegious. The frustrated man replied, "I don't know what to do now, I just wanted a respectful funeral for my cat and was willing to pay five thousand dollars for the service"

The stunned priest said, "now wait just a minute, you didn't tell me he was a Catholic cat"

_______________________________________________________________________________

Paddy hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with decanters of the finest Irish whiskey and Guinness on tap. Behind the bar is a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

Paddy says, "Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, "Get out, Paddy, you idiot! You're on my side."

______________________________________________________________________________

A preacher who couldn't swim was on a boat one day. He fell into the sea and sadly no-one noticed and the boat sailed away.

When another boat came past, the captain shouted out to the preacher, "Do you need help?"

The preacher replied, "No thank you, God will save me."

A short while later another boat came past and the fisherman on it shouted to the preacher, "Do you need any help sir?"

Again the preacher calmly replied, "No thank you, God will save me."

Eventually the poor preacher drowned and of course he went straight to heaven. When he got there, he asked God, "When I was drowning why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You fool, I sent you two boats!"

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A man is praying to God one day and asks, "How long is a million years?" To his surprise God answers, saying "To me, it's about one minute."

The man then asks, "God, how much is one million dollars?" and God replies, "To me, it's a penny."

The man thinks and then asks, "God, may I have a penny?"

God replies, "Sure, wait a minute."

_____________________________________________________________________________

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Amish"

"Amish who?"

"You're not a shoe, you idiot" 

______________________________________________________________________________

How many Amish people does it take to change a light bulb?

A what?

[MightyGiants]

[Ed Vette]

.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.

It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was pie-eyed drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "wonderin if you could give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife.

"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on the swing set."

[MightyGiants]

Interesting

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk and appeared to fall over any secon.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[MightyGiants]

Lol

[MightyGiants]

https://twitter.com/femaleredhead/status/1566897231013318657

https://twitter.com/femaleredhead/status/1566938517313179649

[Slugsy-Narrows]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MightyGiants]

Lol

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean.

So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.

Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"

[Jolly Blue Giant]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.



He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[Jolly Blue Giant]

An old man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up quite a few years ago...real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and planted some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been down there for a quite some time.

Before setting off, he grabed a five-gallon bucket as he had decided to bring back some fruit from his trees.

As he neared the pond, he could hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, someone is having a good time.

As the farmer got closer, he could see a bunch of young women who were clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swam over to the far end.

One of the women then shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave mister!"

The farmer replied, "Ladies, I didn't come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on and have fun."

The wily old-timer then held up his bucket and said, "I just came down here to feed the alligators!"

Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A man went to his lawyer and told him:

"My neighbor owes me $500, and he won't pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owed you,"' said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply, and then you'll have your proof!"