Just a joke

[Ed Vette]

Those last two were a hoot!

[Sem]

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife
has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man
just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said – my
boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks ...how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds
the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."

[LennG]

 a new bunch of 'truisms'


When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".

If Adam and Eve had been really smart, they'd have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated our anniversary last night with a couple of adult beverages ..Metamucil and Ensure.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

After watching how some people wore their covid masks, I understand why contraception devices fail.

Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they're making a male version ...it doesn't listen to anything.

Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly ...next week: Turn Signals.

Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange."  I said, "No, it doesn't."

The pessimist complains about the wind.  The optimist expects it to change.  The realist adjusts his sails.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again.

[LennG]

🌈Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

🌈When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

🌈Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."

🌈Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done

🌈If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.

🌈Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

🌈Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

🌈Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

🌈So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

 
🌈If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

🌈Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

🌈Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

🌈You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

🌈Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"🌈On time" is, when you get there.

🌈Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

🌈It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

🌈Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

"🌈One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

15 times smart people said dumb things

[LennG]

mid week funnies

[GIANTS1]

Saw a picture of Eli. Said he chose to not go to the Brady roast. He didn't want to do it a third time.

[GIANTS1]

2 men were on the morning train and one of them pulls out a picture an says this is my beautiful wife. The other fella says if you think she's beautiful you should see my wife. Why is she super hot also? No she's an optometrist.

[LennG]

Signs of the weekend

[LennG]

some mid-week chuckles

[LennG]

Subject: : Your Annual Dementia Test – for NSW Driver's license from 2024. - All the Socialist Republic States of Australia to follow.

 Your Yearly Dementia Test! (only 4 questions this year)

 This one has some different questions than last year.

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen driving test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.

If you don't use it, you will lose it !!

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've answered.

 

Q. 1. What do you put in a toaster?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: 'bread.'       If you said 'toast', just give up now and do something else.

And try not to hurt yourself:

If you said, bread,    go to Question 2.

 

 

 

Q 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.'     What do cows drink?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Cows drink water.      If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World.

 

However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question 3.

 

 

Q. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said, 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? -  PLEASE, go and lie down !  But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

 

 

 

 

 

Q. 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:

 

You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi at Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus.  At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.  At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on.  At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.  And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.  You then arrive at Changi.

Without going back to review,  how old is the bus driver ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud !

 

 

 

Don't you remember your own age?!?!    It was YOU driving the bus!

 

 

 

 



PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

[Bill Brown]

Sad but true.

[GIANTS1]

The earth is like a guy who knows exactly where to stand by the bonfire.

[LennG]

 New week funnies

[Sem]