Just a joke

[vette5573]

Funnient banned commercials

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNf0-zod6_Y

[LennG]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the  difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if  she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a  million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money  to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad  Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
million bucks  would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between  'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three  million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homosexual.'

[LennG]

Laws not taught in our physics class !

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair -   After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity   -   Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
   
3. Law of Probability   -   The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers   -   If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law   -   If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath  - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters   -   The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result   -   When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics -   The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena   -   At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law   -   As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers   -   If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces   -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument   -   Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.                                                             

15. Law of Physical Appearance   -   If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking --  A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -   As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law   -   If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Sem]

Just got this one in my email today...

No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.   

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

[drakew]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing the course when she suffered a bee sting. As the pain was so intense, she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said "you're back early, what's wrong?" "I got stung by a bee" the young lass responded. "Where?" queried the pro, "Between the first and second hole " answered the girl. The pro thought a minute, and said "your stance is much too wide"

[LennG]

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS: 

TSA disclosed the following       Airport Screening Results


December Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From:


Terrorists Discovered                          0

Transvestites                                    133

Hernias                                            1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases                              3,172

Enlarged Prostates                             8,249

Breast Implants                                 59,350

Natural Blondes                                  3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls at all.

[LennG]

what we call, a groaner

Alabama Hillbilly Striptease?

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,

followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,

lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.

With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,





and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[drakew]

Ya know why fireworks are banned now from Giant Stadium?

So JPP won't have PTSD....

[groan]

[LennG]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list
Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he
realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that
could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know
that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange
juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . .
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

[bamagiantfan]

It is said there are three stages of marital sex;

Tri-Weekly
Try Weekly
Try Weakly

[dasher]

Anthony played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student.


At graduation, he didn't have enough credits.



But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Anthony could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.



The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place.



It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said: "Anthony, if you can answer this one question correctly I'll give you your diploma."



"Anthony, how much is three times seven?"



Anthony looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, pondering the question.



The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"



Then Anthony held up his hand and the auditorium became silent.



He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."



A hush fell over the auditorium and then all the other students began to chant:



"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

[Sem]

A man walks into a bar sits down and notices at the other end of the bar is a man about a foot tall playing a piano. As the bartender is taking his order he asks, "Hey! Where'd you find that little guy playing the piano?" The bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a lamp and states, "I just gave this thing a rub!"

The man snatches it out of his hand and starts rubbing the lamp. All of a sudden a genie pops up. The genie looks at the man and says, "I grant you one wish!" The man thinks for a minute and says, "I know! I would love a million bucks!" *POOF* The genie dissapears and the bar is filled with a million ducks. Looking at the bartender the man says,"What the hell is this!? I asked for a million bucks NOT a million ducks!!!"

The bartender says, "Did you actually think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!?"

[LennG]

Courtesy of Tom reed (Giantfan67)

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this

[Ed Vette]

I think Giants Fans at this point can use a few laughs.

[Ed Vette]

How many Running Backs does it take for the Giants to hit the century mark?

Five, because four ain't getting it done.