Just a joke

[dasher]

I just heard that Lenn G. lost the big money on Wheel of Fortune for incorrectly identifying this phrase
                                       _UCK  _E
                                         IN THE
                                         A_ _
                                      TONIGHT

Everyone knows the right answer is LUCK BE IN THE AIR TONIGHT.

[dasher]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.   It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery.   As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. 
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.  Would you like some?"  He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard".

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this xxxx but me.

[drakew]

A guy walks into a bar, empty except for a beautiful young lady at one end. He goes down the the opposite end, and asks the bartender to set up a shot of bourbon in front of every empty seat between him and the lady. He proceeds to jump into the next chair, and downs the shot, next chair, next shot until the bartender stops and asks him just what did he think he was doing?



"I am going down to the she in sips"

[LennG]

A guy walks into a bar, empty except for a beautiful young lady at one end. He goes down the the opposite end, and asks the bartender to set up a shot of bourbon in front of every empty seat between him and the lady. He proceeds to jump into the next chair, and downs the shot, next chair, next shot until the bartender stops and asks him just what did he think he was doing?



"I am going down to the she in sips"

[dasher]

A father buys a
robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test
it out at dinner one night.
The father asks
his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I
did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps
the son.
The son says, "Ok,
Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What
movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy
Story."
The robot slaps
the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok,
we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At
your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps
the father.
Mom laughs and
says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps
the mother.

Robot for
sale.

[Sem]

Not really a joke, but funny nonetheless.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAfKZUn9sZ0

[Sem]

.

[attachment deleted by admin]

[drakew]

The longer you watch, the better it gets (from BYU, BTW)
Like watching a slow motion accident! Even the fake British announcers are funny...

http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/11/soccer-goalie-penalty-shots-face   

[LennG]

Morris returns from the doctor  and tells his wife that the  doctor has told him that he  has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris  asks his wife for sex.  Naturally, she agrees, so  they make love.

About 6 hours later, the  husband goes to his wife and says,  'Honey, you know I now have  only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one  more time?'  Of course, the wife agrees,  and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into  bed, he looks at his watch  and realizes that he now has  only 8 hours left.  He touches his wife's  shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please.... just one  more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,'  and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife  rolls over and falls to sleep.  Morris, however, worried about his impending death,  tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.  'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we  could...'

At this point the wife sits  up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning.. you don't.

[bamagiantfan]

THE   WILL
   
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

"My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.

"My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks  of the river.

"The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? ... the a-hole has a paper route!"
 

[Sem]

Hmm...

[LennG]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose & Sally had been friends all of their lives.



When it was clear that Rose was dying, Sally visited her every day.



One day Sally said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives,

and we played all through High School.

Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'



Rose looked up at Sally from her deathbed and said, 'Sally, you've been my best friend for many years.

If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'



Shortly after that, Rose passed on.



A few nights later, Sally was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light & a voice calling out to her,

'Sally, Sally.'



'Who is it?' asked Sally, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'



'Sally -- it's me, Rose.'



'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'



'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.



'Rose! Where are you?'



'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'



'Tell me the good news first,' said Sally.



'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven.

Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.

Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play softball all we want, & we never get tired.'



'That's fantastic,' said Sally. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'



' You're pitching Tuesday. '

[Sem]

Real?

[babywhales]

Lol

[babywhales]

Lol