Just a joke

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Subject: FW: : Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
It's always better to get a second opinion.







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My friend Brian's job took him to a new town. On a whim, he attended church one Sunday morning and found himself seated beside a very attractive lady who had just finished conducting Sunday School. Brian, never one to die wondering, whispered to the lady, "Would you come out to dinner with me one night?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady whispered back.
Brian was a happy man and arranged to pick her up a couple of nights later. He found the best restaurant to take her to. As they made themselves comfortable, he asked, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh gosh no," she replied, "how would I ever explain that to my Sunday School class?"
That set Brian back a bit but he left things lie until after dinner. When they went out to his car, he reached into the glovebox, produced some marijuana and asked: "Do you indulge?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
As he drove the lady home, they passed a motel. Although rebuffed on two prior occasions, Brian tried his luck again. "What do you reckon, want to spend a night with me in this motel?"
"Oh yes!" she replied enthusiastically. "Let's do it!"
Brian was mildly surprised but swung around in a U-turn and entered the motel. That night they enjoyed the most sensational sex Brian had ever known! In the morning, still in wonderment, he woke her gently and whispered in her ear, "You are incredible but I must ask you something. Whatever will you tell your Sunday School class?"
She rolled over, stretched languorously and smiled at him. "What I always tell them, 'You don't need drinks and drugs to have a good time.' "

[LennG]

Some new weekend funnies

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Grandma stuff

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[LennG]

Funnies

[MightyGiants]

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[GIANTS1]

just saw this    Following a game in which 2 streakers ran across the field Yogi Berra was asked if they were male or female. He said i dont know they had bags over their heads.

[LennG]

My resume

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job, and too many people hemmed and hawed about the price.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a Footwear Factory. Tried hard but found I just wasn't a shoe-in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks. But I had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. So, I tried retirement and found I'm PERFECT for the job.

[LennG]

2) Murphy's Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

3 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Florida would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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A man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[LennG]

Mid week funnies