Just a joke

[LennG]

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot to numb him.

'No way. No needles. I hate needles.' says the patient.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
again objects.'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking
a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't,' says the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth.'

[LennG]

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."



Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said ...

"What's a headache?"

[Jim143]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.


        "Hello?"


        "Mrs. Sanders, please."


        "Speaking."


        "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes

        Laboratory.  When your husband's doctor sent

        his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from

        another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.  We are

        now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

        Frankly, either way the results are not too good."


        "What do you mean?"  Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.


        "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for

        Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for

        HIV.  We can't tell which is which."


        "That's dreadful!  Can you do the test again?"

        questioned Mrs. Sanders.


        "Normally we can, but the new health care system

        will only pay for these expensive tests just  one time..."


        ''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "


        "The folks at  'ObamaCare'  recommend that

        you drop your husband off somewhere in the

        middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't

        sleep with him."

[LennG]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[babywhales]

I found it funny, maybe you will too.

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[Jim143]

LOL - he was dropped by AT&T and picked up by Trojan

[Sem]

LOL....or this one.



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[Jim143]

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde
receptionist was using the following password:       

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she
was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and
include at least one capital.

[LennG]

A fleeing Arab desperate for water was plodding through the
> Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
> Hoping to find water, he hurried toward 'the object' only to find a
> little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
>
> The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
>
> The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
> tie? They are only $5."
>
> The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
> water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
>
> "O.K." said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not
> want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
> bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
> two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
> water you need. Shalom".
>
> Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
>
> Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your f***ing
> brother won't let me in without a tie".

[drakew]

" A Jewish fellow dies and enters into the realm of the Lord. 'Dear Lord, all my life I have been hassled by Gentiles, I took their abuse because they pay really well in my shop, and I accepted that they could not argue with me for the jewelry.  Dear Lord , they gave me grief!'

With a booming voice, the Lord states: "Well, SOMEBODY gots to pay retail"

[LennG]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

[dasher]

  
       A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Len!
   All he wants is anal sex, and my XXXXXXX is now the size of a 50 cent piece
when it used to be about the size of a nickel."
   
   Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live
in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
     

[drakew]

"The shrewish Jewish wife rolls over in bed and wakes up Lenn. "It's cold outside, close the window already" 'Harrumph' replies Lenn, wearily looking at the slightly cracked bedroom window. "Wake up Lenn, its cold outside, close the window!" 'herrrrmph' mutters the poor soul. "I said CLOSE THE WINDOW ITS COLD OUTSIDE ALREADY" 'Grrrr' rumbles ole Lenn as he pulls his tired harrassed old bones across the cold floor and 'Slam' 'Snick' locks down the window. "Ok Ok, so its warm outside already?"

[Sem]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.



When he bent down under the table to pick them up he noticed Bob's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced..



Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.



She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'



After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.



Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.



When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.



Jim quickly dressed and left.



As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'



With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'



Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'



Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'



Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'



Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !

[Sem]

A woman was in a coma... she had been in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick& bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked."