Just a joke

[Sam56]

(Pardon my French!)

An Old Jewish Man:

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f@#kin' wall."

[dasher]

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would  you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are  you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. 

He turns around, runs around the block and  gets to the corner before she does. "Would you  let me bite
your breasts for $1,000?" he  asks again..


"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish  man runs around the next block and faces her  again, "Would you let me bite
your breasts -  just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks  about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's  go to
that dark alley over there."

So they go  into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.   
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in  them - but not biting them.

The woman  finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you  gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the  little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

[LennG]

The first blonde guy joke?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much.' 


( Oh this

is GOOD!! )

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

[Webster29]

As long as we are on the subject of blonde I posted this one a few years ago but not on our joke thread so here is is again:

An attractive young blonde gal was out driving around in her shiny new sports car when the weather turned nasty.   It started to hail and her car was pelted with hail stones the size of golf balls.  When the storm ended she got out and examined the damage and was horrified to see several sizeable dents all over her car.

She took it to a body shop to see how much it was going to cost to have the damage fixed.   The manager of the body shop thought he would have a little fun with the blonde and told her she could save a ton of money by fixing the damage herself.  All she had to do was wait for the tail pipe to cool down so she doesn't burn her mouth and blow into the pipe as hard as she can and the dents will pop right out.

She drove the car home and after it cooled down she knelt behind the car and commenced to blow on the tail pipe.  She did this for an hour and was so disappointed when she saw it was having no effect on the damage but she kept at it.  Finally her equally blonde room mate drove up and asked what on earth was she doing.  After she explained what she was doing the room mate said to her " My god how can you be so stupid.  Don't you know you are supposed to close the windows before you start blowing the dents out".



And one blonde joke for the road:


2 blonds came upon a set of tracks.  They couldn't decide what had made the tracks.

Blonde #1 said the tracks were made by a deer.

Blonde #2 said the tracks were made by a fox

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[dasher]

 Obama's Honeymoon...(It's over    when the comedians start.)
 
The liberals    are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would    be appropriate.
--Jay Leno


America needs    Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask .
--Jay Leno


Q:    Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you    like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien


Q:    What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A    fund raiser.
--Jay Leno


Q:    What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One    is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other    is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman


Q: If    Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it    started to sink, who would be saved?
A:    America !
--Jimmy Fallon


Q:    What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo    has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel


Q:    What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers"    program?
A: It    took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman 
 

[dasher]

My 1 Day Employment by Maxine

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, ' Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
' heck no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .

[babywhales]

Thought it was funny...

[LennG]

THOSE IRISH EYES
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

[dasher]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 
<><>   

   
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 
- Eleanor Roosevelt 
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 
- Mark Twain 
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 
- George Burns 
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
- Victor Borge 
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 
- Mark Twain 
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; 
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
- Socrates 
 

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury 
- Groucho Marx 
 

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. 
Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
- Jimmy Durante 
 

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I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds. 
- Zsa Zsa Gabor 
 

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
- Alex Levine 
 

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, 
people would stop dying. 
- Rodney Dangerfield 
 

<><> &nbs p; 
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 
- Spike Milligan 
 

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. 
- Joe Namath 
 

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I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon. 
Then it's time for my nap. 
- Bob Hope 
 

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things 
that fish do in it. 
- W. C. Fields 
 

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to 
work its way through Congress 
- Will Rogers 
 

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, 
it will avoid you. 
- Winston Churchill 
 

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or  spread out. 
- Phyllis Diller 
 

<><>   
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, 
he's too old to go anywhere 
- Billy Crystal 



<><> 
And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

[tomeee]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's> chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Jim143]

The Company Commander and the Gunny were in the field.

As they hit the sack for the night, the Gunny said: "Sir, Look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The C.O.said, "I see millions of stars."
The Gunny then asked, "And what does that tell you, Sir?"
The C.O. replied, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me God is great, and that we are all small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Gunny?"

The Gunny slowly shook his head and said, "Well Sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent!"

[LennG]

WHY I AM DEPRESSED

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of  Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) William Lyon Mackenzie King said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now McGuinty has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!   I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, food quality, Social Security, retirement funds, HST, eco tax, enviro tax, Hydro one increases, smart meters, delivery charges, etc. . . 

I called Lifeline. 

Got a freakin' call centre in  Pakistan  .  I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.     

[LennG]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult,
but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,
"A Chihuahua? They gave  me a damn Chihuahua ?!"

[tomeee]

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!

[dasher]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. 

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.  Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 

"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."