Just a joke

[Sem]

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!


But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! 

2) There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!   



     
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!




      And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! 




      See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970   or any time before!

[bamagiantfan]

I'll add to that:

Sneakers? we didn't have 300 choices on the rack with some guy in a Polo shirt going in the back room to find your size. They had a bin of ProKeds or Converse in the middle of the aisle at Two Guys or Bradlees and we picked through them until we found two of the same size tied together by the shoelaces. Who needs a shoe box anyway?

Remember when MTV was a cool cable station that played music videos?

My parents drove big heavy cars and no one knew how many miles to the gallon they got but everyone knew how to fix anything that broke themselves. Today we call them gas guzzlers and hope to God that one of them doesn't run into our Prius because it would crush it like a pop top can.

Hey, remember those? They stopped making them because people kept throwing the pull tabs on the ground. Now they just drop the whole can.

Remeber when rolling down the window actually meant rolling down the window?



Remember these?
Getting up to turn the channel.
Putting a little water in the ketchup bottle and shaking it up to get the last of it out.
Fluffernutter.
Duncan Yo-yos.
Those little thin waffle creme filled cookies of bright color and unknown providence.
Wonderama.
When parkas with the fake fur around the hood, flannel shirts, and down vests were cool but tight fitting (Underarmorish) shirts were for dorks.
Tang.
The Magilla Gorilla Show.
Sun Screen....... what:


jeez, I could go on for days..........

[LennG]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM



A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'



*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:




1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.






FEMALE PROCEDURE:




1. Drive up to cash machine.


2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[dasher]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'



After a few seconds, Little Petie stood up.



The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Pete?'



'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'












Pete watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.



'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.



'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,

who then began removing the cream with a tissue.



'What's the matter, asked Pete 'Giving up?'









The math teacher saw that Pete wasn't paying attention in class.



She called on him and said, 'Pete! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'



Pete quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'









Pete's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.



One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and

asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.



'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' 



Pete asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "









Little Petie attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,

running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.



After a few minutes, Pete asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'



His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,

I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.



Pete, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

[dasher]

An old golfer named Len comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer named Len walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers(Weeze and Whales). She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fu**ing good because I want a cheeseburger."

[weeze]

gee whiz, get it right for gods sake. that was NOT weeze and whales drinking beer...............................it was rum and coke!

[LennG]

Your darn right, ======get it right.

No self respecting Jewish guy would order a cheeseburger,
especially on Passover

[weeze]

gotta keep an eye on that DASHER guy........................

[LennG]

Don't you sleep???????????????????

or do you have to be first on line for the senior early bird breakfast at the hash and trash diner. 

[weeze]

i sleep fine, the scoliosis and fibromyalgia doesnt. 

[dasher]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands

has opened in New York City ,

where a woman may go to choose

a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store

ONLY ONCE! There are six

floors & the value of the

products increase as the

shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any

item from a particular floor, or

may choose to go up to the next

floor, but you cannot go back

down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Sem]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who
inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last
day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was
completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

"On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag
our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge cedar chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the
next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the
fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man,......."picture this, I'm buck naked
hiding in this cedar chest....."

[dasher]

The only cow in a small town in Tennessee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in
Kentucky for $200.00.


They bought the cow from Kentucky and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were
pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow
would move away. No
matter what approach

the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and
he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what
to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from
the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs
off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a
minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in
Kentucky ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought
the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Kentucky ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Kentucky ."

[drakew]

From my wife to youse guys, her twisted sense of humour:

While I sat in the reception area

             Of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man

             In a wheelchair into the room.  As she went

             To the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone

             And silent. Just as I was thinking I should make

             Small talk with him, a little boy slipped off

             His mother's lap and walked over to

             The wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the

             man's, he said,

[dasher]

How Old Men Like Len Can Succeed With Beautiful Young Women



Len met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between them and she immediately dropped to her knees
and lay on the grass at his feet.
As they lay making love, Len thought,
"These taser guns are well worth the money".