Just a joke

[LennG]

I sure won't get any with my looks.

[LennG]

Talk about ME being old, here's a true story about Dasher and his little blue pills


Dale goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give Dale a shot to numb him.

'No way. No needles. I hate needles.' he says

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and
Dale again objects.'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having
the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'

The dentist then asks if Dale has any objection to taking
a pill.

'No objection,' he says, 'I am fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

Dale says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't,' says the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto while I'm pulling your tooth.'

[dasher]

Now see, you are making two assumptions- my thing works and the little blue pill works.

[LennG]

Hey, I can only realte what Weeze told me.

[weeze]

yeah yeah yeah, sure , blame me. after all we dont have eds to kick around anymore! 

[dasher]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
             
'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are
no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[drakew]

"yeah yeah yeah, sure , blame me. after all we dont have eds to kick around anymore!

Now THIS is a GOOD thing!"

[vette5573]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. ' I don't understand,'  stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..... 

Today you voted. 
 

[Sem]

A good ole North Carolina boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He
brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What the hell you gonna
do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100
miles of here."

[LennG]

Irish Alzheimers


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

  Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." 

     The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

     Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

     With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

[drakew]

From the wife:

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
             (Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    (Now that's more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
       (O.M.Goodness!)

    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
            (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
    (I'm still not over the pig.)


    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    (Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)


    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
    (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)


    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
    (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)


    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Something I always wanted to know.)


    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
              (Hmmmmmm.......)


    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
    (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)




    A cat's urine glows under a black light.
    (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.  Why doesn't the government spend some $$ figuring out how to cross a pig and a lion??
    Then in my next life, I could come back as a lion pig!!  Not a lying pig, we already have them, they are called politicians!!!!)


    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish have no brains.
    (I know some people like that, too.)

    Polar bears are left-handed.
            (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

    Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.


    In other words, send it to everyone!
              (and God love that pig!)

[Sem]

One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

           The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.

           When she asked  me why, I replied,

           "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

           And that's how the fight started.....
           ________________________________

           My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

           I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'

           'No,' she answered. I then said,

           'Is that your final answer?'

           She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

           So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

           And that's when the fight started...
           ________________________________

           I took my wife to a restaurant.

           The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

           "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."

           He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

           "Nah, she can order for herself."

           And that's when the fight  started.....
           _______________________________

           My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

           I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

           "Yes", she sighed,

           "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

           "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

           And then the fight  started...
           _______________________________

           When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of  a clever way to make her point.

           When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

           The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.
           ______________________________

           My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

           She asked, "What's on TV?"

           I said, "Dust."

           And then the fight started...
           _______________________________

           Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would  be bad all day.

           I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is
terrible."

           My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

           And that's how the fight started...
           _______________________________

           My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

           She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

           I bought her a bathroom scale.

           And then the fight started......
           ______________________________

           After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply
for Social Security.

           The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

           I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

           The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

           So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

           She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

           When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

           And then the fight started...
           _____________________________

           My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

           She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

           "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

           I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

           And then the fight started........
           ________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

[LennG]

           GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade,
especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.
 
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all-conquering past.


Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
 
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open
to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.

[drakew]

Just WOW!

[LennG]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"