Just a joke

[LennG]

The  Irish Christening.
 
Paddy

[Sem]

Where to Eat:


A group of 40-year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea as they have never been there before.

[Sem]

When their numbers dwindled from 50 down to 8 the Dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

[Sem]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.


Both result in death.

[Sem]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'



As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'



The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN....




Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'




and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'




'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes,

[dasher]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"Donald frowned and said, "No."[font=comic               sans ms]

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.[/font]   So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms."Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?""Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll[font=comic               sans ms]thuffocate!"[/font]

[Sem]

A man joins a monastery. He takes a vow of silence, but is allowed to speak two words every ten years. The years go by, and the monk is granted his brief utterance: "Bed hard."
Ten more years of tending the garden, vespers and deprivation, the monk is ready to speak his mind: "Food cold."
By this time, the spartan living, the long hours and boring work have taken their toll. When the next ten years have finally passed, the monk appears again before the abbot to say his piece: "I quit."
"I'm not surprised, replied the abbot, "you've been complaining ever since you got here."




A man orders 3 beers at the bar and takes a sip from each one, in turn, until he's finished them. A week later, he's back to repeat this ritual. The bartender, dying to know what the deal is, asks the man why he drinks his beers in such a way. The man explains that he and his 2 brothers were very close growing up, but now the brothers were separated by great distances and couldn't be with each other often. They decided that whenever one of them had a drink, he would order two more for his missing brothers; it would be like they were all together again.
Week after week, the man came in and had his three beers. Then, one day, he came to the bar and ordered only 2 beers. He sat and drank them as usual. The crowd in the bar could be heard sighing, thinking that something unfortunate must have occurred. The bartender finally came over and asked him if something had happened to his brother.
The man looked up. "Oh no, nothing like that, everyone's just fine. I just quit drinking, that's all."

[vette5573]

Mickey Mouse is in divorce court. The Judge says to him, "Mickey, you can't divorce Minny Mouse because you claim she's crazy."

Mickey replies in his high pitched squeaky voice, " Your Honor, I didn't say Minny was crazy, I said she was fuc#ing goofy!"

[Jim143]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug
Through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.'***

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...

[dasher]

You Have to Love The Irish     

   

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'[/t]

ababab 

   

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father...' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'[/t]

ababab 

   

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'[/t]

ababab

   

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'[/t]

ababab

   

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'[/t]

ababab

        Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

ababab

   

David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.[/t]

[/t][/t]

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[dasher]

Hold My Manhood!

[/size]Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. [/size]One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"[/size]She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"[/size][/font][/size]Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" [/t][/t][/t]

[/size]"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while". [/size]"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. [/size]Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. [/size]Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. [/size]Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. [/size]She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood! [/size]Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?"[/size]Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's[/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]

[bamagiantfan]

Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features.  And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

[drakew]

"A guy goes into a bar. None there but himself and a beautiful young lady at the other end. He says 'bartender, send her a double on me!" Bartender says, hey, pal, she's a lesbian. "oh well, give me a couple of doubles' He sucks them down, and waddles to the end of the bar, and turns to the beautiful young woman and says "Shay, honey, how are things in Beirut?"

[drakew]

Same dumbass goes into a bar. Noone but him and a beautiful young lady at the other end. "Bartender, put a small shot o' rye in front of every chair between me and the beautiful young lady down there' Bartender does it, then the dumbass jumps into the next chair and quickly sucks down the shot 'thrip' then the next seat 'thrip' then the next seat ''thrip' "wait a second, there pal" goes the bartender, just exactly are you doing? You set up an empty bar with dsrinks, then you are gonna work your way through them?"

"NAW, I AM JUST GOING DOWN TO THE SHE IN SIPS"


< APPLAUSE, GROANS, THROWN BEERS>

[LennG]

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