Just a joke

[tomeee]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.


He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn

[dasher]

Wre you cool in high school?

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

[LennG]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job, anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England   - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... Not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet...

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts..

(And you thought YOU had bad breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Thank you for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future,
I will be in Guam !!!!!!

[tomeee]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
She peels it off ... and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
"That impossible," say the waitress. "The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says to the blonde, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize."
"No, it's not a mistake," said the blonde. "I've won a motor home!"
She hands the sticker to the manager and HE reads ...





.
.




.


.
"WINABAGEL".

[tomeee]

Four men and a woman were having coffee after mass at the Catholic church. The first man said, "My first born just became a priest. When he enters a room, people greet him with, Good Day Father. We are so proud of him." The second man says, "My son is the Bishop and when he enters a room he is greeted with Your Excellency. We could not be prouder. The next man says that his oldest son is a Cardinal and his customary greeting is Your Eminence. "It fills me with such pride each time I hear it." The last man tells the rest that his son is the Pope and is greeted with Your Holiness. "We are filled with joy."
They all look at the woman and one said "Well....."
"I have a daughter" she said.........
.
.
.
.
She's very tall.......
.
.
.
.
She blonde.......
.
.
.
She's very beautiful......
.
.
.
Her measurements are 38D-24-36.....
.
.
.
When she enters a room she is greeted with.........
.
.
.
.
OH......................MY........................ GOD

[drakew]

A rustic oilfield hand-type comes up to the fundamentalist preacher after the sermon, and says "Preach, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard, I just wanted to tell ya just how damn good it was."
The preacher looks the guy over and says: "Well I appreciate it, but we don't like to use that kind of language here"
Oilman goes 'It was just such a DAMN good sermon, I puit $5000 in the collection plate"

Preacher's eyebrows shoot up "NO xxxx?"

[LennG]

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering .

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping , put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle , put them in Human Resources .

i. If they say they have tried different combinations , they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved , put them in Administration.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally , if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, then put them in Government ..

[bamagiantfan]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

[LennG]

 It's hell to be old....

                 


     An 85-year-old man was requested by his
       Doctor for a sperm  count as part of his physical exam.
>
>      The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and 
>   bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' 
>
>      The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
>   and  gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the 
>   previous day. 
>
>      The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
>   it's  like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
>   I  tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 
>
>      'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
>   with  her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
>   teeth  in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 
>
>      'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
>   first  with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
>   between her  knees, but still nothing.'
>
>     The doctor was shocked!   'You  asked your neighbor?'   
>       
>     The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Sem]

My wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish."

[LennG]

A Homeless Man's Funeral
> 
> As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
> director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
> back country.
> 
> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
> 
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
> 
> I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
> of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
> know what else to do, so I started to play.
> 
> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
> I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
> 
> And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
> wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
> started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
> 
> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
> seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
> twenty years."
>
> 
> Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

[tomeee]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took eight preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya,

MAMA

[LennG]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago

[NYSPORTS]

Devils and Angels --  Pretty funny all the way through

Devils & Angels

[Sem]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, we have a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He answered, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to that 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh1t but me."